Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some flex from family on childcare

260 replies

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 08:27

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

OP posts:
AutumnWellyBootsandScarf · 10/10/2023 09:17

How bloody entitled are you??

you want family to provide free child care & be more flexible??

you seem to be forgetting THEY are doing you a favour!!

why can't you & DH go different nights?

you had the baby, you have the responsibility accepting favours of childcare is fine, but fgs appreciate them instead of being more demanding!!

MsRosley · 10/10/2023 09:28

Sounds like the relative is sick to death of your attitude, and refuses to 'flex' on your behalf any more. I don't blame them.

404usernotfound · 10/10/2023 09:30

You are being so ridiculously entitled 😂

Let your DM / MIL go back to just being granny rather than your unpaid nanny.

lillylovely1993 · 10/10/2023 09:32

MsRosley · 10/10/2023 09:28

Sounds like the relative is sick to death of your attitude, and refuses to 'flex' on your behalf any more. I don't blame them.

This I am afraid! 9pm is very different from 6pm . Fair enough if it is for an emergency ,but for an exercise class …really!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/10/2023 09:33

Book a babysitter for the hours that suit you, and tell your relative they will have to see your DC another time. They sound tricky so it is better not to get into unreliable arrangements that will suit them but not you.

traytablestowed · 10/10/2023 09:47

OP I think some of these posters have missed the point a bit. I know what you mean - DH & I had a similar situation, whereby a relative was determined to provide childcare for us, but it just didn't work for us. We were happy to pay for formal childcare, actually we paid them, so it wasn't a case of them doing us a favour - it was more about a set up that enabled them to see our DD on their terms. I was fine with it until it started causing issues for us (E.g. a few instances when they let down last minute).
In the end we just sucked it up and told them it wasn't working, we now pay for formal childcare and see them when it works for us. They were (still are!) quite annoyed with us about it. But it's so much easier. Just do it, honestly - do what works for you.

redribbonrose · 10/10/2023 09:51

To be honest, having a toddler has meant the end of evening classes for me

You need to suck that one up or do it at a time your partner can cover pick up and bed time shift

minipie · 10/10/2023 09:53

You want childcare that suits you - pay for it.

You want free childcare from family - accept it comes on their terms not yours.

that’s the long and short of it.

If family member gets upset at being dropped for paid babysitter - explain you need certain times which they aren’t able/willing to do.

Personally however I would never have left a toddler with a random babysitter (rather than family or established nanny) for the sake of a gym class. I think you don’t know quite how good you’ve had it. In your shoes I’d be trying to work around the relative’s timing.

VeridicalVagabond · 10/10/2023 09:54

The thing is, when someone is looking after your child for free, they absolutely get to do it completely on their own terms. Even if it inconveniences you at short notice.

If you want a set schedule, you need to either pay them or pay someone else to do it.

1month · 10/10/2023 10:03

This has got to be a joke surely!

bronzetomato · 10/10/2023 10:07

Family spending time with children should be primarily to create a relationship. If family members also babysit for free to enable parents to do other things then it should be on family member's terms and they need to be happy with the times/ locations etc.
if you want to decide everything then use paid childcare.

FrenchandSaunders · 10/10/2023 10:23

So you'd pick your toddler up at 9pm, what time would they be in bed? Seems very late for a tot.

IfYouDontAsk · 10/10/2023 10:35

It feels like the simple solution to this is for you and your husband to exercise at different times so that one of you is at home with your child whilst the other goes to an exercise class. Am I missing something?

Also, if your relative already announced that they wanted to reduce the number of pick ups they’re doing I don’t think it’s surprising that they weren’t happy being asked to provide childcare til 9pm (hopefully at your home so the child wasn’t being kept up til that time?).

We don’t know the backstory, but if your relative very suddenly announced a reduction in the childcare they’re willing to offer, I’m wondering if they were feeling taken advantage of. Eg if they’re already doing a pick up and providing childcare til 7pm or so (already a very kind favour) but you’re asking them to extend it to 9pm then I can see why they’d feel fed up.

thing47 · 10/10/2023 10:59

If you want free childcare, you have to fit in with them - not the other way around.

Agree with this @Zebedee55. But by the same token if said relative wants to see OP's DC, it has to be at a time which suits the parents. Relative doesn't get to dictate the times she sees someone else's child and if OP gets paid childcare then it's presumably not going to be at pickup time as relative demands wants.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 10/10/2023 11:06

You have a late meeting so therefore need to miss your exercise class. I think 9pm pick up isn’t being flexible, 6.30pm because your meeting ran over is flexible.

I collect my niece once a week at lunchtime and have her until 5pm. I am happy to help with childcare on a fixed day I am free but wouldn’t be pleased if BRO and SIL decided to treat me like nursery and add in social activities.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2023 11:07

arethereanyleftatall · 10/10/2023 08:34

I would just book a babysitter for this.

As the relative wants to see the child, I'd just invite them over when you're there anyway. Then it doesn't matter if they change their mind.

this

It sounds like it was only your 2nd week of this arrangement and you wanted to swap the pick up time to 9 pm. The relative was setting boundaries. Its clear the relative is not going to be reliable or flexible, especially if pick up is going to change.
If its free childcare then it kind of has to be on their terms. If you want something reliable, you have to book someone who will agree.

will be very handy if you can get a regular babysitter for your sport, because they may be available for other emergencies or as back up if you build a good working relationship with them and you won't then be "stuck" relying on relative's availability.
However, Keep the relative on board and try to be grateful for what they do offer because:

  1. they do want to see your DC regularly - which a lot of people on here would be grateful for and 2) if you are both working full time, you are going to need as much friendly backup who are familiar with your DC in your back pocket as possible.
  2. And the family member (GM) might be more helpful, particularly in emergencies, if they know you are not just relying on them to do everything , and at the last minute.
Riverlee · 10/10/2023 11:12

So you expect your relative to have your child for four hours longer so you can attend the gym class. How entitled are you! I’d go ballistic as well. Sports classes are a luxury, not a necessity. Look after your own child.

Riverlee · 10/10/2023 11:14

And has someone above said, having a child for an hour or so extra for a random work meeting is flexibility. Expecting to look after a child for several hours extra so you can indulge in your hobby is taking the p… .

BodegaSushi · 10/10/2023 11:15

FrenchandSaunders · 10/10/2023 10:23

So you'd pick your toddler up at 9pm, what time would they be in bed? Seems very late for a tot.

I’m pretty sure the relative would be looking after the child in the child’s own home, and putting them to bed (and doing dinner, bath, stories etc). Which is probably why they tired of it quite quickly!

Knivesandforks · 10/10/2023 11:17

Worddance · 10/10/2023 08:42

I think you're being very entitled.

You weren't left scrambling for cover with 12 hours notice. It's an exercise class, not a job. You had to face the possibility that you might not be able to go because the favour had been withdrawn.

This.

You want to exercise and you have a child- book a baby sitter and don't be so entitled abd dramatic! Be thankful you have family to do any pick ups but 9pm is too late!

CheshireCat1 · 10/10/2023 11:21

They’re doing you a massively favour. I think you need to seriously reassess your priorities.

IglesiasPiggl · 10/10/2023 11:22

I think it's natural for relatives to want to interact with your child on their own terms, which is why it doesn't also work for childcare because that requires a level of commitment lots of relatives either can't, or don't want to, give. Just for context, my DC were about ten before I had time to fit in regular exercise classes.

luckysonofagun · 10/10/2023 11:24

I'm with u op this person is messing you about. They offered to help them changed their mind to the extent that you had to cancel your class. If they didn't want to do it they shouldn't have offered

It's up to you wether you want them to have your child. Would it be easier if they had a few hours on a Saturday and give you time to get jobs done or chill out. That way if they do cancel it's less issue for you.

PinkRoses1245 · 10/10/2023 11:25

YABU. They’re doing you a favour it’s up to them if they do it or not. I’d never rely on family childcare for this reason.

LadyBird1973 · 10/10/2023 11:26

I'm torn - it depends on whether the relative pushed to have the child (when the parents were more than willing to get paid for childcare) or whether the relative was doing the OP a much needed favour.

I do think that if you commit to doing childcare, it's unreasonable to let people down at the last minute - you have to treat it with the same level of commitment that you would treat your own employment. Especially if the parents are relying on you to go to work.
An exercise class is a bit different but if it's a gp looking after a child once a fortnight, personally I don't think it's that big a deal to keep them until 9.