Mother in law says she's my responsibility

[RedoneP]

My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

YANBU. Tell her to fuck off and phone her own daughter.

YANBU, she's not your responsibility any more than anyone else in the family and they obviously have no problem with not doing anything so really why should you?

In practice though I know that's difficult, you and DH will want to help so 'grey rock' may be easier, decide what you are REASONABLY willing to do and resolve to not lift a finger beyond that, calmly referring everything else to the other children and ignoring (or at least pretend to ignore) how horrible they are about it.

"Doctors on Tuesday? Of course I'll take you."

"Mowing the lawn? No, I'm sorry, DH can't, give X a call, they have a mower. No, remember, I said DH can't, X should be able to. Oh, I don't know why X doesn't answer the phone, you'll have to try again." on and on even if it takes ages to get the message over.

YANBU.

But I don’t understand why you are doing it. She’s told you what she thinks of you and your children. So have your in-laws.

Why are you bending over backwards to be so accommodating of her needs when she has never done the same for you?

Dying or not, there is no way I’d be doing this. I’d be making it very clear to DH that it’s his problem to discuss with his siblings and if necessary, they need to proactively discuss care arrangements.

I'd start being a lot less available. Put it this way, she no doubt slags you off anyway, so you might as well give her a reason too, whilst preserving your sanity.

YANBU r.e yourself , but don’t let your DH off the hook and expect his sisters to take all the responsibility for caring for their sick mother either. Men always do this- it’s either the sisters and/ or their wives who are left to do all the care of aging parents . If your family are nearby , your DH needs to do his part,

Why should DH’s sisters have to do it all instead of DH? 😡

Your husband ought to grow a spine and tell his mother that she is not your responsibility. She might be his responsibility, TBF. He may work long shifts, but it's on him to figure out how to deal with his family's expectations. Not you.

It sounds awfully as if, because you are female, you've somehow been subsumed into the group of 'default care givers,' while your husband has not. You mention one SIL - do you have two SILs? That might be why your MIL doesn't think her sons-in-law should be stepping up, but does (wrongly) expect it of a DIL.

I agree with others that you should take a step back.

No sod that. Her own children should all equally share the burden.
Just keep saying no. You are the path of least resistance - so its you she asks.

They all sound vile.

What part of my post even hinted at DHs sisters doing it all instead of him? I literally said DH and OP should decide what they can manage and refer everything else to the other children, who are also then free to say no!!

I don’t understand why you are turning in for duty, did you think it would make them appreciate you? And now they don’t and you’ve realized they are using you? Time to stop. It’s hard at first but a division of wants and needs might be a good start. She needs a lift for a hospital appointment, but wants the grass cut.

You literally said “No, remember, I said DH can't, X should be able to. Oh, I don't know why X doesn't answer the phone, you'll have to try again." Sounds like you just expect the female siblings to pick up all the slack.

Stop doing these things.
She doesn't have a gun to your head.

Don’t cater for wants.
Don’t tolerate rudeness, calmly state that you are not giving up my time for free to listen to insults and rudeness. Ask Do you want my help or not?

Why is 'X' one of DH's female siblings? DH also has a brother, I think you're assuming things I'm not thinking! And the other siblings can be expected to answer a phone call, I don't think that's picking up the slack, if they then don't want to or can't mow the grass/do whatever it is then it's tough for MIL but she'll have to manage somehow - I'm certainly not advocating anyone to pick up all the slack.

So stop.

Silence her phone number so you don't get calls. Tell your bloke to fire a rocket up his siblings arses and stop putting all his shit on you. That you're not doing it anymore.

I swear my brain boggles sometimes.

Its difficult because presumably your dh is supporting you financially being a sahm and so I wonder if you/they feels that you then need to be doing his part of the caring contribution to his family? A kind of proxy arrangement?

Its BS and you need to discuss with dh that you shouldn't be helping someone who is so awful too you and you will be taking a big step back, Is dh part of the problem? Is he doing too much? Does his mum abuse him too? Is there an unhealthy family dynamic here, eg seeking approval for a scapegoated family member?

This is your mother in law? Just pass it off to you husband.
If you are happy for him to take that attitude for your parents. That is a real question. What does family mean to you? Decide that and you have your answer.

Why aren't you just ignoring her? You have no responsibility for her at all.

Why isn’t your husband speaking to his mother and siblings about the situation? It’s his mother, his family, his responsibility.

Kindness stops when people are rude or totally unappreciative.

Frankly, you should tell her to get fucked.

In reality: “MIL, I’m not your daughter. You are not my responsibility at all. I cannot imagine why you’d think you were. Not only that, you and SIL have been nothing but rude to me, despite what I’ve done for your family. I suggest you contact SIL and ask her to help you. I’m done.”

They already hate you, they can hardly hate you more so fuck it, give her some home truths and then block them on your phone so you don’t have to read the inevitable vitriol which will spew forth.

Honestly this has become a situation because you are a sahm and available. And presumably you feel you need to step up and take some stuff off your Dh’s shoulders.

its going to be hard for you to start putting up boundaries and barriers but I think you need to.

do you want to return to some form of work? Because that would really help you say no.

if not, you are going to have to work out what you do think is fair for you to do.

I'm raging on your behalf, OP
None of this is right

I don't know why your MIL's children aren't interested in helping her, they may be full of resentment for things when she was bringing them up, or they might just be selfish individuals. Either way, I don't see why that means you should step up, I certainly wouldn't. Why should you? You've got enough going on in your own life and she hasn't ever shown any appreciation for what you have done.

I would block her number. If she can't get your DH to do things for her, she'll have to try ringing her other dc, won't she.

Why are you bothering with her? Inform social services that if she does make any requests or statements naming you as a caregiver- you are definitely not. Distance hard.

Step up in an emergency and back off from everything else.
Change your phone number if necessary.