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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law says she's my responsibility

222 replies

RedoneP · 08/10/2023 19:32

My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

OP posts:
SauronsArsehole · 08/10/2023 21:09

Change your number in her mobile phone to that of her daughters.

Leave it up to your husband to deal with.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 08/10/2023 21:10

Don't do anything you don't want to. Don't be guilted into it. She is not your responsibility, she's her own responsibility, and if she wanted you running around after her perhaps she should have been vaguely pleasant to you instead of lying and shit stiring.

What goes around, comes around.

Comedycook · 08/10/2023 21:10

I'd slowly stop doing things...and I'd let his sister know...so I'd message her saying something like "mil needs a lift to the doctors next Friday...DH and I are busy so can you take her?"

aloris · 08/10/2023 21:13

If the other spouses are all so wealthy, why can't they hire in some help for her with their millions? Why does your husband have to use up his annual leave when they can just get an Uber to pick her up for appointments?

Pumpkinpie1 · 08/10/2023 21:14

Just stop enabling and rewarding her bad behaviour. Simple.

truthhurts23 · 08/10/2023 21:16

when she dies you're not going to be in the will
why are you spending your most precious resource, your time, on her and her horrible family? that is time away from your life and kids

Conkersinautumn · 08/10/2023 21:19

Treat them more like a clients family (with your dh as the colleague who's taken on the client). Set that boundary, you are there to support your colleague to support this family. Channel anything through him, IF they contact you directly make that boundary clear, sympathetic touch but clearly putting it over to your DH. In the background obviously you're supporting your dh, but he's the carer. You're there, but you don't need this client, if you don't have rapport you hand them over. Remember that's for the clients good too

Oioicaptain · 08/10/2023 21:22

Well if her children are wealthy I would suggest that, I lieu of them helping out more, they outsource their responsibilities. I would get your DH to have a meeting with all siblings. Set out their responsibilities and stress how much time you spend helping out and say that you expect the same from them and that, if they can't make it, they can arrange taxi lifts/gardeners etc. In fact divide a list of everything that she needs help with, Inc tasks further down the line.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/10/2023 21:23

Why on earth would you let yourself be treated like this?

MermaidMummy06 · 08/10/2023 21:23

Similar position. I am an SAHM and had 25 years of abuse from my IL's. PIL live 5 minutes away, SIL 1.5 hours away.

When MIL became ill I made it clear I wasn't doing anything. DH & SIL are her children, not me. She passed last year & FIL is now medically needy & can't even pay a bill himself. He can't drive & has appointments, needs the supermarket etc &:is very lonely because IL's drove most people away with their nasty attitude. I won't do anything. I'm not rude, but not interested in spending time with him or helping out.

If they'd been nice to me it's be a complelety different story. But you reap what you sow. No way I'm doing SIL's share of the caring (equally nasty) for people who treated me horribly when I've already got two DC & elderly parents, with a sibling who uses distance to eschew responsibility.

Grumpusaurus · 08/10/2023 21:25

Turn off your phone or block her. Worry about your own mother and fuck her. You reap what you sow. Please don't be one of those martyrs. If her family does not step up, she can pay for assistance.

Bigbrotherpropoganda · 08/10/2023 21:25

surely given the workload involved this is a discussion to be had between the siblings.
Everything to be shared out equally seems reasonable.
If some would rather responsibility’s are shared whilst others can’t be bothered to do their bit then maybe outside help needs to be looked at.

You have your own mother to think about.
They have theirs.

Only do what you can or you will forever resent it.

CountryCob · 08/10/2023 21:33

I think often expectations of daughters in law are bonkers, sorry you have to deal with this

rantinglunatic · 08/10/2023 21:35

Tell her to F the F off - she sounds utterly repulsive. Tell her to get paid care.

Peachy2005 · 08/10/2023 21:35

Well you’ve had lots of good advice, which things do you think you could take onboard?

Maybe practice saying “No that doesn’t work for me”, that’s a good thing to have ready to say.

I personally would snooze or block the MIL and toxic SIL, and get your DH to organise a sibling discussion (leaving you out of the equation) on division of tasks and/or buying in care. He may also need to practice saying “leave my wife out of it” or similar.

strawberry2017 · 08/10/2023 21:37

Just stop doing it. She's not your responsibility and she never will be. It's between your husband and his siblings to sort out.
Tell her to get a taxi or see if she's eligible for patient transport but you don't have to do it.

TiredCatLady · 08/10/2023 21:40

Why even put this in AIBU? You’re not. You and your husband need to grow a backbone and tell them to fuck off.

Billappa · 08/10/2023 21:41

practice saying no….

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/10/2023 21:42

If the others are wealthy, they can pay for the help she needs
Take a big step back, mute her messages and forward them to DH
Tell DH your Mum needs your input you won't be running around after his Mum
Or just tell MiL directly, she hates you anyway so you can't make the situation any worse

Hayliebells · 08/10/2023 21:45

Start being unavailable, stop taking her calls. Start behaving like someone who isn't related to her. Simples.

Kisskiss · 08/10/2023 21:47

yanbu. She doesn’t sound particularly nice to you so why do you have to be her maid/slave? You’re married not owned. She can start being nicer or buzz right off.

Mikimoto · 08/10/2023 21:49

It's your turn to "be busy/not even answer"!

Lavender14 · 08/10/2023 21:50

Where is your dh in this?

What I would do is get dh to speak to his mother and siblings and tell them that you and he can provide x amount of care or care on x days and they will need to cover the rest between them because you're not in a position to do everything. I'd also be expecting him to say that they need to treat you with respect or he won't have you doing anything further because their behaviour has been rude and unnecessary.

This needs to come from him. This is his mother and his family and he needs to be stepping up and putting on a united front with his wife.

Surely your dh does get certain days off if he's doing shifts on a rota so he could use some of those days off to visit or care for his mother.

At the moment it's too easy for everyone to be unpleasant to you and still land everything on your door.

I would question the people your in laws are that they've raised children who really want so little to do with them. Maybe there is a reason for that. But that doesn't make it your problem. I think you'd be well within your rights to say you're not doing any more, but I understand that ageing parents aren't easily cut off either.

Daffodilwoman · 08/10/2023 21:54

Stsrt to ignore her messages.
Don’t reply.
You don’t owe her anything.
She will get the message.
She is wealthy, she can buy in help.

Stravaig · 08/10/2023 21:55

You have a gigantic DH problem!

Why on earth has he stood by and allowed his family to take you for granted and treat you like dirt for 20 years?

It is his responsibility to sort himself and his siblings out to provide care for his mother and his father.

He should have insisted they treat you with respect from the start; you should have refused to marry if he didn't succeed. Failing that, you jointly agree to go no contact - 20 years ago!!

Better late than never.
Do either of you have the spine to do it now?
Do you have the self-love and self-respect to insist on it?

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