Mother in law says she's my responsibility

[RedoneP]

My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

Your Dh should set a what's app group with his siblings and say 'just setting this up to organise any help re caring for mum / lifts etc. we're probably going to need to be a bit more organised between us all'.

He doesn't even need to mention you.

If mum needs a lift and you can do it it becomes a 'we can do the hospital drop off / collection on the 10th but not the 20th' etc.

They are guilting you and this has been the dynamic from the beginning - make you feel bad so you don't kick up a fuss. Just refuse to play ball. I would do the minimum of things - maybe just in emergencies. Say oh you'll have to ask SiL. Oh she can't, oh dear, neither can I.

Stop being so available. Say no, you don't even have to give an explanation, just no sorry I can't. Surely the adult grandchildren can also pitch in? But if not and SIL along with her family refuse to help then she can get a taxi, pay for a gardener etc.

There seems to be an unhealthy dynamic at play in this family... I am wondering is you MIL a narcissist? it might account for her not being very nice and making false accusations, and her daughter acting similiarly. It might also account for her other child not returning home, he has cut them off.

It is absolutely strange that a woman would tell her DIL that she is her respoinsilbity - this is not normal behaviour. I would never dream of doing it.

It might be worth looking up narcissism in families and speaking with your husband (if he is open to it). You might both uncover a pattern in his family that would explain all this strange behaviour.

And if narcissism was at play, the main thing for you to focus on, would be your boundaries. YOU decide what you feel you have the energy and time to provide, (and if you even want to). Decide what you want to give, give it, and beyond that you use 'grey rock' technique to defend yourself against any toxicity from them.

Good luck x

ps. YOUR OWN FAMILY COMES FIRST! X

Just stop. She hates you already, how much worse can it be? Don’t answer the phone. Get your husband to respond. No is a complete sentence.

Say oh you'll have to ask SiL

why??? OP’s DH has every bit as much responsibility to care for his mother as his sister does: why is this always the problem of the female family members? this is a DH problem!

To be fair, my husband does do alot. It's generally me or him. He rejigs his leave and takes time off but his older sister doesn't and she works from home, my husband works 30 miles from home. Whilst I totally agree he should do his share, which he does, his younger sister does too but isn't local or driving. His brother is abroad and never came back once, even when his Dad died, stating he's busy, got a cold, it's too emotional etc.

Take a massive step back.

Stop being such a bloody doormat and just start saying no. No one else can do that for you

No, she's very kind to my husband and her other children. She wasn't happy I wasn't a wealthy match like her other in laws. She puts up with their rudeness as their wealthy (I'm talking millions).

I agree with PP that you need to take a huge step back and stop being so available.

Nothing to do with gender. I'm assuming if she's asking DiL then it's because DH is at work. The issue doesn't seem to be DH not doing his share because OP says he does, plus he sometimes takes time off work to do things, the issue is the SiL saying she can never help.

As long as you allow this family to treat you like shit they will do it. Only you can put a stop to it. Just say no.

I'm afraid I would do this, too.

If her other in-laws are wealthy, worth millions, and their spouses - her children won't help - then they use the money to help provide ubers, gardeners etc

Exactly, they can put their money where their mouths are.

Your husband needs to initiate a discussion with his siblings to plan how they as a family are going to support their mother.

This does not include you. You are not a blood relative.

@RedoneP My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me.

I'm guessing this might be a wind up? No it's absolutely not your job to take care of this woman, it's her daughters job and your husbands. You take care of your own mom, your husband and your kids. Set some firm boundaries here because you're not doing it and they're taking the piss big time.

She's an adult. She isn't anybody's responsibility but her own.

This

What InspectorGidget says. (Also if it comes up, then play on the fact that you need to put “more time in now to support your own widowed mum with issues” without going into specifics).

Delay answering calls, let them go to messages, delay responding to messages.

Her siblings need to get together on the Whatsapp group and arrange a regular weekly/fortnightly gardener that either she pays for / or the siblings pay jointly.

Tell your DH that you are no longer supporting his mother in any way at all.
He can convey this to his siblings and they can, between them, work out how best she can be supported.

Step away, and let her children handle it. And tell the mean sister to get to fuck and look after her own mother

This.

You say how nasty the family are, then detail all the things you do.

It's a complete puzzle to me why you do them in the first place.

The only one responsible for you being such a doormat is YOU. Just stop already. You don't owe them a single thing, and you are not required to do anything for them.

Tell your husband that your term as an indentured servant is over, you will no longer be doing anything for his horrible family, and you are blocking them from making contact.

Sounds like the brother has the right idea tbh.

Grow a spine and ignore her.
Tell her to contact her own children including your dh.
She is NOT your responsibility.

It’s really not your problem OP. Let the family sort it, or not!!!