Mother in law says she's my responsibility

[RedoneP]

My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

Just keep being unavailable to her.
If your partner feels that your family should take the load, then let him do that.
Older relatives do not automatically deserve our respect when they've failed to give it it us/help us in any way.
I know this is hard though, you will feel guilty perhaps, even if you shouldn't. Stay strong.

I pass all communication straight back to my husband. So DMIL called. Call her back.

I don't deal with her at all.

In my case she's lovely but I simply don't understand what's she's saying.

You don't have to speak to her if you donn't want to, let around run after her. Tell her to fuck off. If you're not good enough to marry her son you're obviously not good enough to metaphorically wipe her arse.

Yes! I was told I wasn't family by evil older sister and not allowed to attend a family funeral as "i wasn't family ". I was even accused of marrying for money as I didn't give them Grandchildren immediately! I've voiced these nasty comments of theirs before and told I imagined it, that she didn't say it blah blah blah. However, I have had enough. When I have confront them I'm gaslight. However, I would never deny my children love or my husband a relationship from his Mum so I keep the peace and swallow it but the resentment is so upsetting to carry around. I'm dreading if she moves in with us as she's lonely and voiced the idea. However, I've told my husband if she ever moves in, I'm moving out which he agrees with. We had a chat this morning and he agreed she is NOT my responsibility and that I have put up with so much nasty behaviour that if it's aired , he will point out to his siblings that she is not my mother and will remind them I was asked not to attend a funeral as they said "You're not family ".

In any case it is your husband that needs to help. His mother his problem along with his siblings.

Say no to her moving in with you, loudly and clearly. You deserve better.
(Excuse my ignorance but are you from a culture where it's expected the older relatives will move in, and is there more expectation of the son's wife than the daughters?).

@RedoneP
In spite of all of the nastiness, you and your husband were not so hurt or offended that you refused to accept MIl's financial assistance when offered. That would have been the time to have said " we won't accept money or assistance if we are not family. We are offended by your statements and actions. We cannot be bought. "

Your husband should help his mother because she is his mother and because he has accepted help from her when he needed it. It seems that he only invokes his principles at his convenience.

This with bells on

To be clear, we never asked for help or money. All siblings were given some as early inheritance and this was twenty years ago.

No we're a standard white British family, however she had her parents sell up to help them buy a bigger house and they lived next door. She then had social security pay for her mothers care as she was penniless as she'd given up her own house years earlier to give MIL money for a bigger house and signed all property over to MIL. MIL gave my husband some "early inheritance " years ago as she said she'd given the other siblings money so it was only fair. She gave him 20k but the others did get more I understand. We never asked for money but I can understand why my husband accepted it as the others did too. I later learnt it was so we'd buy a house near here to keep the family together.

Tough!

I will apologise to you @RedoneP if I'm coming across as harsh here but your thread brought to mind another thread from many moons ago on MN where the DiL was being treated appallingly by her MiL and yet she was expected to run herself ragged helping her out while her husband (MiL son, the man that the DiL was married to) was letting his wife do all of the things for his mother. As were his siblings.

When the DiL in question put her foot down and said "No more. I'm not doing it" the others had to step up, either by putting in the effort themselves or contributing financially to getting someone to do the things for their mother. It took a while for the situation to right itself but it eventually did.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and your story resonated with me and brought that other thread to mind. That other poster was also given a dose of tough-love by other MNetters (I don't know if I posted on it but it definitely made me think of my own situation at the time).

Please put your foot down and say "No more, I'm not doing it".

You might feel guilty at the beginning but that is entirely natural considering you've been covering for so many of your MiL's children's failings and now you will be focused on your own mother. Don't let it worry you though. It will get easier to go to the next day and the day after that without worrying what is happening with MiL - because her own children will have that burden now.

Just echoing what others have said - she doesn't see you as anything other than an unpaid carer, probably partly (at least) because you are a SAHM.

She won't be personally upset if you stop caring for her as she doesn't actually like you, it will just be inconvenient for all of them, including your husband who doesn't have to deal with this while you are. And seriously - fuck the lot of them including him. Don't let people treat you like this!

I'm glad your DH is understanding.
Keep in mind they told you that you're not part of their family and please try not to give the situation more headspace
Your priority is your family

You and your husband need to sit down with his family and tell them that it not your job or your husband's job to do all the driving and provide all the care their mother now needs to stay in her own home.

So you and your husband have decided they from now they have to help with their mother's care. They can either drive her to hospital/doctor appointments or pay for a taxi for this. Tell them as well that they can either come to cut her lawn and do the garden or they pay for this to be done and the same applies with cleaning your mil house.
I would also so say that it not your responsibility to look after you mil always nor can your husband give up a lot of family time or having him taking days holidays to bring her to the doctor, hospitals ect.
I would also tell them that their mother is not moving into your house either now or in the future.
They won't like hearing this but with their money they can afford to pay for help for her or put her into a nursing home since they are so busy themselves.

It hard looking after elderly parents as in time they decline both physically and mentally.

I have seen and heard from several friends dealing with this situation. Hard chats were had with family members regarding care, admin, driving, money in the parents name, wills, power of attorney ect and when a parent or parents needed to go into a nursing home.

Thank you

You need to do what a friend of mine had to do in a similar situation. He and his wife moved 100 miles away, which forced his sibling to step up and do stuff for the elderly parents instead.

As for your MIL being your responsibility, oh no she isn't, whatever she might think.

Absolutely. I cannot like you spelling it out like this enough for OP.

tell her, your DH and his siblings that you have to care for your own mother so they need to sort their mum out themselves.

She is not your responsibility but she does realise who looks after her even though she doesn't seem able to positively acknowledge it. You deserve nothing but praise ignore the flack and make sure you and your family are not compromised by this in any way.

Seriously, step back, this is ridiculous! Every time she phones, you tell her you have a previous appointment and can’t take her/do whatever/be her unpaid maid and suggest she contact her actual daughter. I’m being driven mad by dils being doormats tonight!

YANBU. She is using you. She sounds awful, they all do

IF she moves in?! Wtaf! Why on EARTH have you had a conversation where the agreed position was that you’d leave your own home in the event of her moving in? Why wasn’t the starting point “she is never moving in here”.

Nope. Just stop now before things get worse. Set boundaries. My mum did this for my Nan (her MiL) throughout my whole childhood as it just fell on her, stereotypical roles etc. My dad played golf all weekend. I was ignored. We couldn’t go anywhere as she couldn’t walk far, she’d come to stay and then make an excuse to stay longer and be there for the whole school hols. It made me so cross to see my mum just take it. And on top of that they are all rude to you? Sod that. Let your dh and siblings take responsibility and you concentrate on your kids, yourself and own mum.

Someone told me once he could be called an arsehole now, or be called an arsehole later. It was much less work to be called an arsehole now.

I’d be taking several steps back. Tell her family you have your own family to worry about and you can’t keep doing things at the level you have been doing when it is affecting your family; especially when they are so rude and abusive to you.

She is not your responsibility. Tell her to pay for help. Their are plenty of agencies who give care to older people. Or your DH can step up. Why should you care for such an ungrateful woman.