Mother in law says she's my responsibility

[RedoneP]

My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

Unless she has capacity issues, MIL is MIL's responsibility.

In fact DH and you should both be busy and unable to help regularly so that the others step up

You say your MIL has been kind to you, but you also say she has sided with your SIL who has been very rude to you and even accused you of saying things you didn't say. So has your MIL really been all that kind to you?

She's obviously not, though. Stop being available to this woman, who doesn't even like you. Stop running around after her.

I'm a 90s kid and my brother is a 00s kid and it seems like between me being born and him being born there was a social shift in what was acceptable parenting.

I was smacked, he wasn't, and I always resented that my family became self aware after I was put through it.

But, they are self aware, and they changed so I can forgive them, but I am still cross and upset deep down that this sweet little girl -with ADHD and autism- learnt to mask through corporal punishment and now I've got a son who's very much the same in behaviour as I was, I wouldn't dream of hurting him.

So yanbu Op but people are right that there's no window for discussion with it any more. We need to be the change we want to see in the world.

Be careful she doesn’t name you as her carer, make sure it’s her elder daughter’s name on any paper work.

Sorry, for some reason this post ended up on the wrong thread. Mumsnet being dodgy 🤦‍♀️

Some things you mention, like mowing the lawn and DIY, don't need to be done by family. Is your MIL short of money? I'd suggest your DH speaks to his siblings to carve up what they can each do for her and put up money if necessary for further help. You need to make yourself less available, OP.

You are being used and a complete mug.

You owe her absolutely nothing.

Tell your husband you are blocking her number.

You have your own mother to care for.

The alternative is you suck it up and allow this awful woman to use you.

Apologies if that is harsh, but these are your choices.

Stop answering your phone.

You are not the first woman this has happened to.

You can choose to mute her number and tell your husband to sort out his family.

You are choosing to be used.

You really DO have a choice here.

She's not your responsibility but you have been acting as if she is.

You can't control the other siblings or her behaviour, only your own. Give yourself some space by becoming very busy (or going away if you can swing it) for a couple of weeks. Once you've had a bit of space and interrupted the pattern of you as default skivvy, have a good think to yourself about what boundaries you need to put in place (that you will stick to - they likely won't so you need to plan how you respond in a way that maintains your boundaries).

Only do what you can do without resentment, that you believe is a fair amount to do even if his family don't suddenly become more grateful or thoughtful.

She sees you as the help.
So stop helping.

She is absolutely NOT your responsibility. The end. Stop running around after this batshit woman.

You know she is no, yet you choose to go along with it you are the only one who can say no yet you choose not too

If you don't want to be a martyr then say no

I'm all for helping with family, but in this case YANBU. She has a daughter of her own nearby, it is up to her to help out. I would be telling MIL that she most certainly is NOT your responsibility and when she asks for help, unless in an emergency and there is no other option, then I would be telling her that you are not available. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond, and you have your own family to take care of.

Be like her daughter and don't answer the phone.

I feel for you OP, my MIL was similar. It was not cultural , it was simply a massive does on entitlement on her part.

I did my best to keep at arms length, everything go through DH, and me being there to support him.

But oh my, it wears you down. The constant phone calls, ( even when ignored, the light flashing on the phone,Mir the garbled messages on the mobile) . It absolutely breeds resentment that’s hard to get rid of.

Step back, focus on those that are important to you. Say no.

Not saying this with any malice , but some people like to be seen as a martyr .
If it's difficult or inconvenient , or even if you want to step back from doing everything , then do just that , step back.
Personally I'd phone up your sis in law and tell her you stepped up when needed and how it's her turn.

This.

You say other family are well off?

You are not so much?, so you, your life, your own family are of no consequence.

You are simply of the lower orders to be used like the skivvy she believes you to be.

She can only treat you like this with your co operation.

I have had several friends whose in laws "assumed" that after they had looked after their own parents without their husbands involvement, she would spend further years now running after them.

Huge mistake on both their parts.
Both husbands and parents were told that on the death of their parents their caring duties were now OVER.

You have agency over your own life here.

You CAN find your self respect, mute her number and TELL your husband that you will NOT be used by his vile mother.

Or you can choose to be his family's skivvy and used by them until she dies.

An utterly thankless job which benefits only these awful people and will be to the detriment of your own children and parents.

If they're so rich then DH needs to have a conversation about them paying for care.

Why is a millionaire getting you to mow her lawn?

She doesn't want people in her home.

This.

Yes. This is us.

This - with bells on!

But why is it your problem? Let your husband negotiate with her about what she wants. If her own children won't help her, and she won't go into a home, she's going to have to have people in her home isn't she, or go without care. There's zero reason why you need to be worrying about what she does and doesn't want.

I used to think I was very close to my InLaws until my FIL told me I wasn’t part of the family, he was serious. I still visit but less often and I don’t volunteer to help anymore. He has tried to apologise, question other family members about why I don’t go -Thing is he meant it and I could no longer ignore his habit of favouring certain of his children , offspring and DIL.
Yes if he needs me I will help but not before he’s asked his own kids and only if I’m available.
Being emotionally detached has helped