Mother in law says she's my responsibility

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My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

I am very much not fond of my mil but I really cannot envisage a situation where I'd actually tell her to fuck off...surely no one is seriously suggesting this..

as for this

Make sure you look her in the eye when you say this, and be quite close to her, and say it quietly but deadly seriously

Pretty sinister sounding

I would never in any circumstances I can envisage overtly tell my MiL to 'fuck off'. She's my husband's mother and my child's grandparent (however all-but absent she's been in both those roles).

Nor would I resort to childish passive aggression, which has been her usual way of showing her displeasure with me. If I feel something is a problem I prefer communicating directly and as an adult. It didn't work with her; all that happened was the passive aggression ramped up tenfold.

Having put up with this crap for two decades, I'm now more than willing to show her 'fuck off', simply by removing myself from her orbit.

Women are not compensatory punching bags and nor are we vessels to accommodate others' needs. Step back. That's the only action necessary.

Well yes exactly...just remove yourself. Surely that's better than quietly whispering the words fuck off at an elderly lady?!

This

You sound like a lovely kind person. You need to speak up though and put some people in their place.

I wasn't being deadly serious about saying fuck off. Perhaps "I'm sorry, no."

But this woman is manipulative/abusive, as is the wider family, and OP does need to demonstrate that she won't be intimidated, manipulated or abused. Unless people like this are stood up to in real time, in quite a pantomime way, whole lives are wasted.

OP if you are asked to help decline and say you need to help your own mother. Emphasis that you need to spend time with your FAMILY, and your own mother now needs more support.
Your MIL can afford taxis if she is well off likewise a cleaner and gardener and in due course carers to help with her meals and personal care. The latter will probably be subsidised, anyway.
She is not reliant on your care and you shouldn’t feel guilty about withdrawing it. Give it to those that you owe it to.

100% this ^
After everything you done for your FIL, they still continue to treat you like shite! Do not allow this to continue, you owe them nothing.
If you have any free time spend it with your own DM.

I'd be telling her to sling her hook. What does your husband do to
A. Support you /stand up to his family and protect you
B. Help out with HIS mother??

I have a similar relationship with my in-laws and it wouldn't even occur to me to help with their care. Id feel no more responsible for their well-being than I would a random neighbour.

You're mad for even starting this considering how they've treated you. It's fine to not be a dogsbody to somebody who has zero respect for you - fuck being kind, not your circus...

No is a complete sentence. Stop being resentful and stand up for yourself. What will you lose if her children kick off? That's right nothing. Stop being a martyr.

THIS.

You tell your husband that she is never moving in! She can move in with her millionaire daughter who lives round the corner.

Why are you running around after her? Tell her straight out that YOUR mother and YOUR children are your responsibility and you suggest she asks a family member to look after/run her around etc…. Since you’re not considered family.

I’d be texting the nasty sister and telling her that she needs to step up as you’re too busy and won’t be doing it anymore.. you don’t need to say what you’re busy with, she’s not your mum and not your responsibility!

I’d be telling them all to piss off and telling your husband that he can simply tell the lot of them as you’re treated as an outsider you’re now prioritising your own mother and your children. also he needs to text his siblings and suggest that one of them have her live with them as she won’t be moving in with him because he works shifts and it doesn’t suit his young family! (Plus a family member needs to care for her - which you apparently are not!)

God I’d have sold up and moved away years ago…. Can see why the son buggared off and doesn’t bother… expect there’s a huge history behind that.. The whole family sound vile!

Tell husband you will not be moving out so she can move in… sod that!

You're lucky your DH turned out well, his family sound dysfunctional.

YANBU. Put your family and you first ie start saying No.

Obvs, if you have time help occasionally, but your SIL sounds like she's in the best position to help so say this.

Good luck x

Christ almighty. As she’s so wealthy she can buy in all the help she thinks she needs.
This seems to me that this MIL needs to dominate. these people have unerring ability to find and exploit weaknesses and soft spots to coerce and control.

Sounds like there is plenty of money around, for the other siblings and MIL to pick up this help and pay for it. Thus leaving you out of it, and they’re in control of who what when etc

Are you from a different culture? I do know that the expectations are there on DIL's form some cultures. Also, I've known quite a few people leg it to live in another country to escape these cultural constraints on them.

If your dh's siblings do not want to do anything for their mother (for whatever reasons) that is their prerogative.

It is also yours. You have the same choice. To point her in the direction of support and let her get on with it. Your dh has the same choice too and you should support him with his choice the same way he should not assume you are the default carer for his mum.

Nip in the bud any idea you are responsible and tell her while you will do what you can if you are free, you have your own family and they have to take priority for your time and sometimes you will not be able to help and she needs to speak to her other children and/or ask the hospital/adult services/pay for support.

It is hard, I have been there with my own mum, but sometimes you have to say no as you can only be pulled so many ways. Others will not step up until they see you step down. They will even resent you for it, but that is not your problem.

Tell her to fuck right off. You shouldn't be nasty to folk,especially if you need their help. Your husband should have been sticking up for you, stop being a doormat and tell your husband that you and your kids are his first responsibility and letting his family treat you this way, shows a total lack of respect for you.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility.

Tell her to do one.

Tell her she is not and why and then get your DH to sort everything out. Don't answer the telephone or texts or anything. It is nothing from now on to do with you.

You are being used by her and his siblings. You have your own DC and your own DM to support.

I think because you are at home and your husb is the earner, "they" see you two as having a joint responsibility which you have the time to do when he cant.
This has evolved into taking you for granted.

No need to be rude or confrontational, simply, do less. Gradually .
Sorry, I cant. Sorry we have plans (which, you dont have to expound upon). Im afriad I cant this week.
And stick to it. Not everything and obv do important or emergency stuff...

But say no more often, and tell DH youre doing it and why.
They may notice your absence, but, its not for you to fix

Fuck that.

From now on, DH is her contact in your family. He arranges between him and his siblings who will do what, or if they help financially with taxis and gardeners etc to get things done. They could easily do this with a couple of whatsapp groups.

They're basically seeing your time as worthless and not even showing you basic respect. No point being nice to people who don't return the favour.

This 👏👏👏

I think you and DH need to come to an agreement about this, put him in the lead communicating it, and then calmly, firmly, politely, stick to it.

If more tasks get piled on him he will have less time with his own family - you and the kids.

If I was him I would set up a shared msg group / Zoom meeting. Explain that now MIL is alone and also getting frailer there needs to be a team / family plan to support her.

Say you and he have been doing more and more and it is not possible due to your own kids' needs and he keeps using his holidays for her care - this is not sustainable.

Suggest you and he do what you consider reasonable - say one visit a week and emergency appointments. A kitty for ubers, gardeners, cleaner etc. Who can contribute what? How often can the 2-hours-away SIL visit?

Start the conversation with 'we know everyone will care about her as much as we do and make sure she doesn't decline health wise etc'.

With all due respect Op

Fuck that

Tell her to get fucked, your not family....remember!!!