Mother in law says she's my responsibility

[RedoneP]

My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

In case this needs saying - she isn't your responsibility. Not legally. Not emotionally. Not practically. If she says it again, just say no, she is her DCs' responsibility and you have your own family that you are responsible for.

What happens when you go away on holiday? Who picks up the slack?

Your DH and the DSIS who does get involved, need to have a family meeting. Online for the sibling who can't get home. And they all need to discuss a care plan for their DM. If they are all millionaires (there seem to be a lot of them about on MN tonight) then they can pay for carers or home helps if they can't be there themselves. Then you become the person who doesn't answer the phone and you start to say no. You need to prioritise yourself, your DC and your DH.

My husband is south Asian, and reading the title of the thread I very much assumed that this is what the thread was going to be about, as it’s quite a common mentality within certain pockets of the south Asian community.

your MIL is unreasonable. Your dh is spineless. Your siblings in law are taking advantage and you’re too easy going. To be Frank she’s not your responsibility at all

I’m the opposite of @MermaidMummy06 . I live a mile from MIL and FIL who are both 90. SIL works full time and doesn’t drive and is two bus rides away from them. My DH is lovely but not very practical so I organise MILs shopping and deliver it, pick up the laundry and drop it back and take her for coffee every Saturday I am free. FIL has advanced dementia and needs 24/7 care from MIL. BUT they are adorable, they love me very much and appreciate all I do while not wanting to be a burden. This week I am taking her to the dentist and the eye clinic and we will have a sneaky cafe trip as well. It makes me happy to help them because I am not working due to ill health and at least I am doing something useful when DH has to do all the manual Labour round our house and runs a small business.
It’s not wrong to take things on if you want to and it makes you happy but if it doesn’t just say no and step away. No guilt! They haven’t earned your loyalty.

I think you need to look after yourself and your family. Get a job /volunteering commitment and exaggerate the hours if it helps you say no. Tell dh he needs to say ask sister.

Maybe they should be funding care!

@RedoneP
When we know and declare people to be unreasonable, is it surprising that they continue to act that way? People who are unreasonable and selfish do not improve with age. They do not morph into kind and gentle elderly people.

Your husband should do for his mother because he is her son She is not 1/4 his mother even though she has 3 other children. His siblings should also assist their mother, but he should not do less because they do nothing.

It sounds as though she was helpful and generous when you and your husband were in need of financial assistance. Now she is in need. She may not have liked you when she rendered the financial assistance, but that did not stop her from helping. You may not like her, and I don't think that should stand in the way of proving any help that you are capable of providing.

I don't think that you do good only for those that you like and that the yardstick for measuring your obligation to help is what others do.

Your husband can say that he will do no more than his other siblings, and you can say"she is not my mother, and I don't have to do anything. " That will say as much about the 2 of you as his siblings' actions or lack of actions say about them.

This lady may be reaping what she showed, but do you and your husband really want to play a role in that process?

Does it really matter what she says about your responsibility? Nothing that she says alters reality in any way shape, or form. It is just the ramblings of an old lady.

I’m also assuming OP is not from a white British family and probably south Asian, in which case telling her MIL to F off isn’t an option. That expectation ( daughter of eldest/ favourite son picks up elderly care) is cultural but if you can at all OP put some distance between yourself and this woman, being her handmaiden is not going to do your mental health any good.

She's not your responsibility, but she is your husband's. If he's using his job to pass everything on to you, then you're responsible for letting that happen and he is responsible for standing back and refusing to pressure his family to step up.

This is NOT between you and your MIL. It should be between your husband and his mother and his siblings. Your husband should be taking the lead in dealing with this issue that involves his mother.

It sounds to me like everyone needs to get together with a counsellor or care professional (who can mediate) and figure out how to support your mother. My suggestion is to make a schedule of tasks and assign them to people on a weekly basis. Or split tasks between people (sibling A does the driving, sibling B does the lawns, etc).

People can either do their share or pay for a worker to do it.

You need to put your foot down with your husband. That's the problem here--that he is not involved but it's his family. His mother and siblings are not going to listen to you like they would to him.

I think that you should discount your relationship with the rest of the family and treat her as a single entity, it may be her fault but it's not in her control that two of her kids can't be arsed with her, and it's not really a reason itself why YOU can't help her, you have no power to change any of that, you can only control what you do.

Has she got money? Reason I ask is because a lot of these 'problems' you're talking about can easily solved if someone has money..

grass mowing.. pay a gardener
hospital appointment.. hire a taxi
stuff around the house.. pay a handyman.

If you actually value your relationship with her in some way then by all means help her out on your terms, but what's the worst that can happen if you tell her you're too busy or just say no? She'll only slag you off to her daughter but she hates you anyway so makes no difference to your day to day!

She has other children who could and should be stepping up to look after their mother. If they don’t want to, then it’s probably going to be up to the council or hospital to step in to arrange transport to/from appointments and anything else that needs doing.

She is most definitely NOT your responsibility and you need to remind her that you have your own mum that needs your attention and support and your kids need you too.

Time to make yourself less available to her.

This is good advice.

Nobody is obligated to look after your MIL, neither you nor her children. She needs to pay for some proper care, taxis etc.

Great advice about your DH setting up a WhatsApp group. Tell him not to include your number in it. If he does, leave the group.

This, except for the ending needs to be so you’ll have to take her”
Not asking, telling her!

Drop the rope.

Seriously.

Drop it. Tell her she'll need to look to one of her own children for support and care. REfuse to be involved. Your DH needs to back you here. It's appalling that he;s allowing his family to treat you so horribly AND sit back while you support his parents and their health issues. WTF is he?

You sound like a decent person and I don't think it would sit well with you to turn away or tell her to get stuffed. You are the bigger person for caring even though you get no thanks from her. But also, you must put your dch's needs first. So, decide what you can reasonably do for her, or want to, and stick to that. As others have suggested, let her dch dtrp up as and organise paid help for the garden, trips to hospital etc.

You know this is not on. You've been assumed to be the default caregiver because you're the most accessible woman in the family and have not put boundaries in place.

The question is what you do about it now, when a precedent has already been established and she already thinks your role is to serve her and her family.

You say you are "lucky" to be a housewife but I have to say I wonder if this is part of the problem. If you had a job it would be obvious that you weren't available at the top of a hat to do things for her and she would stop asking. Whether you want to work or not, I think it would be helpful if you could find something which clearly takes precedence over her needs.

Or just woman up (or get your DH to man up) about it. Yes you have to tread fairly carefully and not overnight drop everything but you do need to signal to her that while you will help where you can, you are not her default carer.

Not that it matters but is there a cultural aspect at play here?

Her wealthy daughter and son in laws can afford to pay for cleaners, gardeners, carers etc then. She doesn't even treat you like paid staff - you're a slave. Don't help her out ever again. Say no everytime. Her children can help her out.

In the nicest way possible, YABU for
allowing yourself to be treated like a mug.

And where is your husband in all of this, why is he allowing this?!

Put some strict boundaries in place and channel the time and energy you give to this entitled woman into your children and your own interests. As someone else said, she probably bitches about you anyway so give her something to bitch about and save your sanity.

Maybe she will start to call on your wealthy SIL to help a bit!

@RedoneP
The suggestion of using the MIL resources to pay for services that she needs is good advice. If she has money ,use it to pay for a full time caregiver; the caregiver can take her to medical appointments and any other places that require transport. If the siblings won't assist, use her resources to pay for lawn care and any other services that are required. What better use of her money than to make her comfortable in her old age.

The siblings who cannot make themselves available out of love and concern for mother, will quite likely become available if they think that their inheritance is being spent on taking care on their mother.

People who can't be motivated by care and concern are often motivated by possible loss of money.

This often happens when you’re not working, people assume you have plenty of free time and they are willing to take full advantage of it.
Horrible SIL won’t answer the phone because she knows you’re available and she doesn’t want to wipe her mothers arse.
Be less available, less accommodating. No I can’t do xxx for you, you’ll have to ring SIL or BIL or book a taxi.
DH can’t mow the lawn, he’s tired after work, here’s a number for a garden maintenance chap. MIL sounds like she can afford to pay for her care so pass the buck back to her.

Why is any of this your problem? Let your DH sort it out with his siblings.

She is most definitely not your responsibility. You need to withdraw your availability to encourage your husband’s siblings to step up. You should concentrate on your own parent not your husband’s. She is very successfully guilt tripping you, but you are not responsible for her. Anything you do is for your husband, not her, you do it to help him, but minimise it. She and her other children will learn that you are not the omnipotent caregiver and that they need to step up. You have fallen into a role that makes their lives very easy, so they will kick against you. Agree with your husband that you can devote, say, 4 hours a month to her, but that is it. Stick to it. If you waver they will be like shark smelling blood, so be strong and resolute.

Yes DH should set up a WhatsApp for all his siblings and her but not include you.

you should be busy so unable to help regularly.