Mother in law says she's my responsibility

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My husband has 3 siblings. A few years ago their father (my father in law) had a terrible accident and almost died. One sibling still hasn't been back to see the family, even when his father died and his mother got cancer.

My sister in law hates me and has since she met me over 20 years ago. She's excluded me from family events, been nasty, made false allegations etc. She snubbed our child's christening and our wedding.

My mother in law has always sided with her daughter and even made allegations I've said things I know, and my husband know, I haven't.

For the 3 years preceeding my father in laws death, I always ended up being the most practical care giver when present probably due to my experience in healthcare. I even got palliative care for my father in law as he lay dying as they didn't want medical intervention and were in denial. I fed him. I got him water. I sat with him. When I explained why I called an ambulance to get him palliative care involved so they'd avoid a coronors inquest, a post mortem, him dying in pain and them being questioned for not getting him medical attention etc, my sister in law just stormed off in a huff. She never thanked me. She's never been kind to me.0

Now my mother in law is alone. She has a myriad of health issues. She requires lifts to hospital appointments and things doing around the house from time to time. Her mean daughter who lives 10 minutes away with adult children never answers the phone, is too busy, always has plans etc. The sibling abroad does nothing - still not been back even for his fathers funeral. The other sibling does what she can but lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive. She does come to stay with her mum for a few days when her mum has operations etc.

However, all this running around seems to land on me and my husband and we have young children. Also, I have my own widowed mother nearby. I only resent it because my sister in law and brother in law have always been nasty and rude. I'm at a stage when mowing lawns, dinner invites, driving to medical appointments etc is annoying because I'm not her daughter, it's not my responsibility and it's not thanked and it's expected. Why should my husband (who is a busy shift worker) use his annual leave to do things for her or me use my own time when I get nothing but sneers and abuse from his family. They enjoy their holidays, day trips, lots of money from working. I'm too busy running around after everyone else to even consider working. I am fortunate to be a housewife but we've obviously made sacrifices to do so. My child also has high functioning neurodiversity but needs routine so I'm delighted I can be around for them.

My Mother in law voiced that I am her responsibility and my children are her Grandchildren so that make her even more my responsibility. She thinks I owe her because her son married me. She says she is my responsibility. Whilst I agree in being a decent person, am I being unreasonable to resent doing things when 2 of her children are absolved from responsibility yet she makes excuses for their selfish behaviour and thinks they're wonderful. This makes me feel angry and I feel that despite her generosity financially many years ago when we married etc and to ALL her children, I am the only in law she feels owes her for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I don't believe she is solely my responsibility. I am not her child. AIBU?

You have done more than enough for her already by the sounds of it. Say from now on you are going to have to prioritise your own mother and children's needs and pull back from all your other responsibilities - say that things have changed and everyone else needs to be involved too now. You are completely in the right - she will moan and whine for a while but ultimately this is better all round and she may end up actually appreciating and respecting you more because you refuse to be pushed around any longer! Good luck - you are a wonderful woman.

Another wet lettuce thread. Get a bloody backbone and say no. Of course she's not your responsibility.

You tell her that you are sorry but YOUR mother has asked you to do X, so you are unable to take her to appointment/shopping/whatever, perhaps she could ring HER daughter?

She is NOT your responsibility. I thought it might be a cultural issue and that as DIL you are expected to shoulder tasks but it's not, so STOP NOW. Just stop. Tell them and your DH that you have your own widowed mother to care for and that going forward you are not available to be at their beck and call.

Also, I think your DH is as much to blame as they are. He should be standing up for you and telling his wicked sister to step up and that you are not your MIL's personal slave. He's letting them abuse you, which is just awful. He should be ashamed.

Op I'm in a similar position. The more you do, the more you'll be relied on.
The only solution is to back right off. Prioritise your children and mother and your mil and family will just sort themselves out when they have no choice.
Tell them. This is exactly what I told mil - that my dc and my mum are my priority, she has other children and I can help out but only on a Friday (my day off work)
Weekends are for my family with the mil being invited occasionally.
Backing right off unsurprisingly forced mil to become more independent and is better for everyone.

I like another posters idea that your dh sets up WhatsApp group with his siblings to organise things. If mil has money why not pay for a regular Gardner, cleaner etc. If mil doesn't Llow it tough it doesn't get done then or gets done when they can so it.

I would tell my husband to deal with his mother, she’s nasty to you, hell would freeze over before I would help her. I wouldn’t help anyone who was telling lies about me and slagging me off when I hadn’t done anything wrong

Your MIL & DH will keep taking advantage of you as long as you let them because they love themselves more than they love you. If you continue to go along with this, don't wallow in self pity. Instead, accept that you're enabling this and let go of any bitterness. You can't expect them to put you first when they've made it so obvious that you are a second class citizen to them. You are your own responsibility, nobody else's. If you don't care about your own needs why should anybody else?

Either be a wet lettuce pushover and stop complaining. Or take responsibility for your own well-being and stop sacrificing your life for a bunch of wankers.

If she's happy to be your responsibility, then I say exercise that responsibility and put her in a home. Ideally a really cheap one a long way away with no mobile reception. 😜

"Oh MIL, no sorry can't help, have to do something for my own widowed mother this week, you know I have one? Just like your dds have you......."

Hell no. She is not your responsibility whatsoever op. Take a step back.

Another wet lettuce thread. Get a bloody backbone and say no. Of course she's not your responsibility.

@hot2trotter , this is so rude to someone who is trying to do the right thing in a very difficult situation. If you're a decent person, as OP clearly is, your first instinct is to help someone in need of it. If you actually have very good reasons to disengage, you are bound to feel conflicted. It's perfectly valid to seek advice.

Come kit if your comfort zone and tell your hubby and his family that you are not being lumped on anymore
this could cause you to become depressed if you do not take action now
You are enabling them all to dump over you … please don’t take anymore as I promise you it will affect you badly when you’re older. I’ve had issues to that I’ve had to voice … please take action now for your own mental health
life is too short for being used and abused ..

It's awful when you find yourself in a dysfunctional family - particularly when it's by extension !

As unpleasant and ungrateful as she is, she's fundamentally a scared old woman. Don't let the prospect of her and all she represents for you, morph into something massive. It'll make you feel ill.

Have a good think about what you feel you're able to do, and also what you want to do. You sound to me like someone who wouldn't feel comfortable with doing nothing to help, but that doesn't mean you have to tire yourself out being a dog'sbody.
I don't see how things like mowing the lawn are essential to her care. Let the grass grow etc!

I think you might feel better if you can look upon her as a bit of a daft, ungrateful old woman.

When you've calmed down, you need to express your feelings in a matter-of- fact, slightly humorous way. Keeping everything in will make you seethe with rage, and you'll end up ruminating for hours when you should be enjoying your own family at home.

To be honest, as her child, your husband should be ensuring that she treats you with respect and expresses some gratitude - has she always dominated him? You need to speak to him about his obligations to you, to fight your corner with his family, and look after you, just as you're looking after his mum.

Tell her not to talk daft, when she says something that upsets you, and say you're not doing such and such because you have other demands on your time, and other things you want to do. And if she moans, or criticises, just reply " I expect what you meant to say is thankyou, Mum....... And I'll see you tomorrow."
Ignore the siblings - You can't enlighten the unconscious.

Remember you're making a choice. You can choose to stop. It'll bother you less when you realise that you have all the control in this situation. You really do - for all she makes you feel oppressed with her demands, she's just a sad, scared old woman that's entirely depedent on your kindness. good luck.

You and your husband have to get the family together, including mother in law, and calmly and clearly both together briefly recount past bad behaviour and then lay out a way forward.

Absolutely no fucking way would I be helping any of them! And I'd not be pleased if my husband did either if they treated me that way!

What the hell is your husband - her son, doing about all this?? I think you should have a talk with him and say you are not prepared to help his mother anymore if it is not appreciated. Just stop helping and she will have to make other arrangements.

Nice fairy tale but do you really think her husband's family sound like reasonable people?

I think you should protect yourself and stay back. Don't take responsibilities that aren't yours!
Take care of your mother. Not someone else's mother, specially if she participated in all the bullying through the years.

How do you think older people manage if they have no family to help?
There is help out there, there are volunteer drivers who will take people to appointments etc. volunteer companions, gardeners,cleaners, home help, food delivery companies, volunteer shoppers etc.
I would set a boundary on what you can and cannot do in future. If you moved miles away she would have to find a way, but currently you are convenient and compliant so she is using your services.
You don't have to stop doing anything, just decide what you are willing to do. but the family could club together to pay for a gardener once a month, set up an online shop, pay for a cleaner between them (you say they have millions.

I sympathise, OP. It's much harder than some people think to stand up for your rights and refuse pleas from someone in need, when you know the people who should care for them won't do it. DH and I are in a similar situation, except that widowed FIL has always been quite nice to me. Which makes it even harder to see him lonely and neglected!

DH's siblings and their families endlessly take large 'loans' from FIL, but hardly ever do a thing for him. We often end up cancelling our own plans in order to go and look after him. Sadly, as he's got older, he's become resistant to having anyone except family in his house, which now leaves us doing a lot of housework that we'd rather pay a cleaner to do.

You and DH should look after yourselves, OP, but I know it's difficult in these circumstances. I hope you can find an answer.

It may be the convenient expectation in families from certain parts of the world but if the OP is not of that culture then it's unreasonable of her DH's family to dump this on her, it isn't her, OP's, culture. Why do some cultures get a free pass on bullying members of their extended family?

It’s for the Op, not for them. As she is a responsible and considerate person this will help her draw a line and unsaid resentment is toxic.

It’s for the Op, not for them. As she is a responsible and considerate person this will help her draw a line and unsaid resentment is toxic.

Make sure you look her in the eye when you say this, and be quite close to her, and say it quietly but deadly seriously.

Don't say anything else, just turn and leave the room.

You don't have to mean it forever, but she needs to believe that you do.