To be devastated over their break-up

[Applie]

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

It's about being the loving caring mum that you are OP. If we're lucky enough for our adult children to involve us in their lives, then this is inevitable - as is the pain of watching them match up with a wrong un.

This will pass - just support your son and your other children and hope that his next relationship is with someone as lovely as she sounds.

Totally understand this. Losing her support and friendship now is akin to thd loss of your husband again as you are now alone. I am so so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to grieve and take your time. All the posters who are being hard on you have no idea what it is like to lose your husband/ partner suddenly and how hard it is to suddenly be the only parent. And this girl helped you immensely. Don’t be hard on yourself, support your son who has lost his dad and girlfriend and be kind to the whole family. Wish I could give you a big hug.

She sounds great it’s no surprise you miss her.

Condolences, Op. I’m sorry you’re going through this. How awful. About your son’s gf….she is selfless and wonderful, that is clear. I might be wrong, but I wonder if she was beginning to feel stretched and was taking on a lot of responsibility, willingly and selflessly out of true caring, but needed to step back just a bit and travel and be young and carefree again just for a little while. Because of all the stepping up she’s done. Overwhelmed. But your son was still set on marrying, having children sooner rather then a little later, a lot of responsibility straight off the back of her doing so much for his siblings and for his mother, she saw that he would not ever be putting her first in a marriage and that her future might be too much, having children, helping take care of your children. It’s too much too soon. Even though she cares deeply. She may feel used up and needs a short break. But bf wouldn’t bend.

I could be getting this very wrong, but it is what came to my mind while reading your posts.

I'm not surprised you are upset. She sounds wonderful. Your oldest son sounds like a fine man too.

But I agree with the other posters who say your son will be feeling even worse and your other children will be missing her too, so you're going to have to dig deep and be their support.

I'm sorry that you've all had such a hard time of it recently.

You put a lot on the ex gf - you do realise she was dating your son and it your family.

Support your son and next time back off a lot and let them be a couple. Who knows if she really wanted to help your family or did it because she felt too awkward to say no

I get it OP, it’s another loss it will get easier.

She sounds really lovely.

She suggested coffee so I think you should follow that up.

It may be that you can continue a relationship with her of your own. I’m sure she would be flattered that you like her for herself and not just because she was your sons GF.

It may be that the relationship with her doesn’t last a long time, but if so it will probably slowly fade which will be easier to manage.

Although your son is upset, as it’s a mutual decision I see nothing wrong with keeping in touch with her.

Im still in touch with one of my DD’s school friends independently from my Dd. It’s been 10 years since they left school.

You need to get a grip. These two grown up people have their own lives to live and you need to let them get on with it. It probably made things worse them both going to the wedding. But you got fond of her and she became part of the family and now she isn't. I agree that you are at a low point so this is extra hard for you.

My mum is still friends with my DBro's high school girlfriend! You can definitely still have a friendship with her independently of your son - just don't talk about your son or their relationship and over time that will mellow and fade into the background of your real friendship.

It sounds like she became a big part of your life when you lost your husband. Maybe some how your grief for him eased because she helped you. Now she has gone your grieving for that. Maybe it’s related to your husband too. Sending a hug. Maybe therapy around loss could help?

My story is very similar.
She was my son’s first girl friend.
she did not have a mum and she and I developed a lovely friendship.
She lived with us for four years but had to return to her own country once her education here was over.
Unfortunately it did not work long term with my son and they went their separate ways.
It did not seem wise to continue the friendship, she needed a clean break, to forge her own way in life.
I often think of her and wish her well.
If only…..

I really don't think that's a good idea. For her son's sake and for any future partner he may have's sake.

Break ups in 20s are common and a parents role at that age is to be loyal to their child and support them if needed. Not try and string it out. Clean break.

I’m sure there are lots of things at play.
My son says she wants to move to Switzerland for a year (where her dad is from and lives), he can’t imagine leaving us now (I’ve told him to do it!). He wanted them to move in together, was looking at engagement rings and imaging being a dad in the next 5 years.
She wants to continue in her house share with her friends, travelling focusing on work, advancing her career. Then moving abroad for a little before thinking about marriage and kids.
I know they’d been arguing more lately but it’s sad and upsetting.
I really do wish her all the best but I’m heartbroken to be losing what is effectively a daughter.

People are being a bit mean along don’t cry and pull yourself together.
You’re still grieving and this person helped you incredibly so, and now she’s gone your grief is hitting you again smack in the face for everything.
I don’t agree with not letting your children see you upset. Learning it’s okay ti cry and others adults cry is actually healthy.

I think you will be surprised, for a few years, how each new loss makes you feel - people, pets, jobs etc. I don't think you will have fully grieved for your husband and maybe kept a lid on your emotions to shield your children?

So be sad for your DS and the friend you have lost but don't push yourself onto her too much. Keep in touch but let her instigate meeting up. Try not to cry too much in front of your children, your DS may think he can't tell you how he is feeling if it is going to upset you. If you haven't already perhaps look for some grief counselling

I think its really cruel to the kids actually- it will put so much pressure on their future relationships

I was so upset when my daughter finished it with her lovely boyfriend. He just fitted into our family like another son and I know he was upset that he wouldn’t see us all again. It’s then been hard to like her other boyfriends as much as I don’t want to get too invested again.

So not being unreasonable - if its any concellation I am going to the wedding of my friends who did exactly the same thing next week and for similar reasons with my friend moving to Australia. The breakup lasted a year with both more or less single. All 30 odd now and they've been together ever since. Focus on your son if you can, I'm sure it'll all work out no matter what happens x

Aaw I am so sorry to hear about this - of course it would be totally natural to feel the way you do

She sounds like a fabulous young lady.

You could stay in touch? My mum is still in touch with one of my brothers ex girlfriends (he’s now happily married to someone else) and she went to her wedding and sees her several times a year.

Wow, I’ve just read your other posts on OPs thread.
You think a long term girlfriend offering support to a bereaved family is wrong, and people shouldn’t go to a wedding if it makes the day better for everyone? That people can’t have amicable breakups?
How is it bad to know your mum likes your brothers partner and sad if that doesn’t work out because they helped out after dad died? That it’s not okay to know adults are sad after death?

okay. I’m glad you’re not my mum.

You know what it sounds like, Op? Both your son and his girlfriend feel a lot of responsibility toward their parents. Your son knows you need him and perhaps his gf feels she needs to spend time with her own parent in Switzerland, and also to travel a bit before settling down. She has seen firsthand how overwhelming it can all feel, and needs a short break before getting married and having children right away. I feel your son should bend a little, she’s done far more for him and his family than anyone in her position would be expected to do. She may feel the need to be with her own family for a bit. That is more than fair.

You are not being unreasonable at all, OP. You feel like you have lost another person on top of your DH. It probably all feels too much at the moment. Hopefully, you can still remain friends but you need to give yourself a break and feel what you want to feel. I would be careful about showing it too much around your son, though, he might need a bit more support from you right now.

Agreed. She should not have gone to the wedding.