To be devastated over their break-up

[Applie]

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

YANBU to be sad at all.

But I hope that will eventually settle into gratitude that this wonderful woman was in your lives to love you all when you really needed her, but recognising that it’s now time for her to move on and focus on herself and what she wants out of life.

I don’t think it will be helpful for you son to see you visibly upset about it, he’s going to be feeling his own loss from this relationship without worrying about anyone else’s emotional responses to it as well. But if he’s managed to find someone so kind and smart once, there’s every chance his next partner will be just as lovely.

OP I remember when my dd broke up with her first long term boyfriend, who we treated like son. I couldn’t explain it, but it blindsided me, I was devastated. I knew it was a problem with me, it took me right back to my first break up as a teenager and all those feelings came back. My dd was heartbroken and it was awful to see.

Obviously you associate this girl with the whole period of your husband passing too so it’s completely understandable that you’re devastated. Grieve and cry all you need (probably privately) I really feel for you. It’s nice to keep in touch but sadly not wise I fear, thinking of your son and any future relationships.

Sorry for your losses x

OP asked so I answered with my opinion on why it may not have been appropriate. I obviously do not know all the ins and outs of the relationships. In no way am I trying to have a go at OP. I am simply stating my opinion, which she asked for.

It might be that losing her has triggered the first loss of losing your husband. A good grief counsellor could help with this. Sending you lots of positivity that sounds very painful

It sounds like she was an amazing support to you during a really hard time. Like she become a close friend and not just your sons girlfriend.
with that context it is perfectly understandable why you are upset.

I think maintaining a relationship with her might be hard. In your shoes I’d see how things goes for the next couple of months. Let her have space from your family…she will need it as it sounds like she got very close to you all. then after that you can see if there is a way to have a friendship that doesn’t Make your son feel uncomfortable.

Given the detail that the OP posted about losing her DH suddenly and this girl being solid and dependable at a time when the OP’s life was turned upside down with loss and grief, it’s entirely natural that she should feel this way. You’re comment is at the very least ill considered, if not downright cruel.

This was me back in April.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4783731-why-am-i-so-bereft-about-my-dd-marriage-ending

I know my situation wasn’t compounded by the addition loss of a loved husband and the pain from that alone must be so hard, but similar in that I was also incredibly sad at the end of an adult DCs relationship. You’ve welcomed that person in and they become part of the family then suddenly, they’re not and their absence leaves a big hole.

I can promise you that 6 months later, I have come to terms with the finality of it and the pain does ease. I can see my DD has blossomed on her own - not that her ex was a bad person, he’ll always be part of our family ‘history’ and left many happy memories - but she has moved on and has grown in a different direction. I now appreciate even more how it actually takes courage to end a relationship that your family approves of and can almost be an additional pressure in the decision.

Be proud that your son and his ex were mature and level headed enough to recognise that the things that they were looking for in a relationship were different. Nothing worse than a couple tearing each other apart, becoming resentful of and not having the courage to break free. They both sound like wonderful people, but just not right for each other.

Between 18 and 23 I had a boyfriend to whom my family was extremely close. We went our separate ways and my prevailing memory of this time was my family’s reaction. They were all completely devastated and after a few months, I resented it massively. When I introduced them to my now (wonderful) husband, the pair of shoes he was expected to fill was palpable and he definitely got 2nd Mrs De Winter vibes.

I appreciate it’s a loss, but keep it proportionate and support your son. First loves rarely last, and this is usually a good thing as it sets young people up for mature relationships. Hopefully your son will meet someone equally great, but don’t make him feel bad over your sadness over the breakup.

Grief comes out in various ways. I expect this is just another projection of your loss of your husband which must be devastating.

It’s lovely that you have had that support but equally you can’t rely on someone of that age to take on the responsibilities. You will shake it off and move on. But it’s bound to add to what you are already processing.

So sorry.

I really do wish her all the best but I’m heartbroken to be losing what is effectively a daughter.

Bloody hell. That's way OTT.

Support your son.

Just tell your son it’s opened the flood gates and your tears are about lost loved generally. Don’t put it on him that his failed relationship has caused you huge sadness, he has also been through a lot. This is a sadness to share with friends and wider family, not your son.

They have gone their separate ways but you do not have to lose her friendship. It won’t be the same of course, but I would send the occasional text to see how she is.
My eldest sons ex from when he was a teenager is still in our lives 30 years on. She went to his wedding.

I support my youngest son’s ex as much as I can. It does not affect him, but she lost her mum in sad circumstances and always called me her second mum.

I remember being devastated when my brother broke up with his wife. She had been part of our family and was much loved. You do go through a type of grieving process for your lost relationship. Your situation is worse because of your bereavement and her being such an important element of your rebuilding your lives.
Unfortunately you’ll just have to wait for time to heal. It’s hard. At the end of the day your priority is your ds and it really does sound as if they’ve made a mature decision.

Its entirely possible for the OP to feel devastated by the loss of her own relationship with this woman AND support her son. In fact, as a widow with 5 children I'd imagine her experience of supporting her children while devastated herself is second to none.

Bonding with your daughter in law is a genuinely good idea for a number of reasons. The problem (as you have no doubt deduced) is that your emotions ran a bit ahead or reality.

Its entirely possible for the OP to feel devastated by the loss of her own relationship with this woman AND support her son. In fact, as a widow with 5 children I'd imagine her experience of supporting her children while devastated herself is second to none.

Devastated is a strong term. But to say that a woman who you've only known for a couple of years because she's dating your son, is like your daughter, is madness.

She's making it all about her so no, she won't be supporting her son whilst crying for a woman she's known hardly any time at all.

I am so sorry you are missing her so much, in some ways it must be like another bereavement, and you are the one left to pick up the pieces again.

You sound nice!

When my Son (at the time 20 years old) and his then girlfriend broke up I was very upset. She had been part of the family for 2 years, attended family occasions (my Sister's wedding for example) and was more or less a permanent fixture in my home. She would sit and chat with me, bring little gifts (crystals and suchlike) and wash dishes etc without being asked.

She was a lovely girl, but they weren't getting on and it was inevitable they would split.

I think I enjoyed having her around as I have no Daughters of my own. It was nice to have another female around, if she bought something new she'd be excited to show me, or if she was dressed up to go out she'd come in and show me what she was wearing etc.

I missed her a lot when they broke up.

She has another boyfriend now and my Son has a lovely new girlfriend. I've moved away from the area she lives in and haven't seen her or heard from her for a couple of years.

I think it's perfectly normal to miss someone who has been like a part of your family. It's ok to feel sad about it 💐

A loss triggers a loss. Doesn’t always need to mean another bereavement. It’s a well know grief trigger. Be kind to yourself x

Really? The woman is very much alive and well. Probably sad from her break up but it sounds like she has exciting plans for the future. Anyone comparing it to a bereavement really needs to think more.

Your feelings are totally understandable. I once broke up with a man who I didn't miss at all but I did painfully miss his wonderful little 5-yr-old son, who I'd fallen completely "in love" with. Cried my eyes out. But regarding this wonderful woman, do grieve her absence when you are away from your children and in a little while, get in touch with her and meet up for a coffee.

FFS this woman bonded with the gf after being suddenly widowed. And yes, devastated is a strong term, but entirely appropriate here. Grief comes in stages and it’s very possible that the loss of the relationship with this girl has triggered complex grief. She’s not ‘making it all about her’ she’s grieving and this is part and parcel of the process - it certainly doesn’t mean she can’t support her son.