To be devastated over their break-up

[Applie]

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

They may well have a different opinion, but ‘pull yourself together’ isn’t helpful in any situation.

That's really intense for her. Only in her 20s and picking up the pieces of her newish boyfriends family following his fathers death.

What about her? Who looked after her? No wonder they split and she said she wants to have some fun

Because it’s entirely possible that the two are connected. The loss of this girl as a companion may trigger another round of grief for the loss of her husband.

Nothing in the OP’s posts suggests their break up was anything to do with his fathers’ death - she said they wanted different futures. The gf supported the OP through a traumatic time and they got close as a result. The break up is clearly triggering for the OP who is struggling with it, and has posted here for advice. Instead people throw irrelevant shit. It’s becoming the norm on MN.

So you'd be happy with your 20 something daughter moving in and assuming that role? Helping with homework and running the household?

There's no advice to give other than support your son, it was his gf.

That's really intense for her. Only in her 20s and picking up the pieces of her newish boyfriends family following his fathers death.

What about her? Who looked after her? No wonder they split and she said she wants to have some fun

I agree.

She's young and seems to have gone from being in a fairly new relationship with a man that was hopefully healthy and fun, to supporting his whole family with their grief. Being OPs support person, acting like a parent to OPs younger kids by doing homework with them and taking them to activities, being a role model, shopping for the family. As well as making a career for herself. Its no wonder that she now wants some time having some fun and freedom before tying herself to marriage and children.

Without doubt, it will have impacted this couples relationship, although they may have chosen to split anyway. I feel very sad for OPs son. He's lost his dad, his new relationship as a young person turned into one of an old married couple and has now ended because the GF quite rightly wants fun and travel etc. He moved back home when all this happened, has supported his family, has now lost his GF and his mum is thinking of how this impacts her. It's mind blowing.

Of course you're upset. She was a perfect DIL. Keep in touch with her, you never know, they may reestablish their relationship in the future x

I feel for you! Unlike relationships that end with one partner not being happy, the way they've broken up leaves hope for getting together again in future.

Your DS may not meet anyone to have family with and still be young and free when she's finished exploring and ready to settle down.

I would let her know she's been an amazing help and that you're there for her anytime she needs it returned. What a wonderful person. Your sons next partner will have some real shoes to fill that's for sure.

Nowhere in the OP’s posts does it say that the gf moved in with them. She says her son moved in, and the gf became part of the family. There’s nothing to suggest that the gf was living there or ‘running the household’. And there’s also nothing to suggest the OP isn’t supporting her son. She posted looking for a bit of support for herself because she’s clearly struggling with grief, which has been triggered again by the break up.

The OP is still grieving and the break up has clearly triggered her. And nothing in any of her posts suggests that she is not supporting her son. The OP posted on Sunday. The break up happened on Friday - only two days earlier. Given that this girl was of enormous support and the OP bonded with her through her grief, I’d say it’s entirely normal that the OP is still shocked and saddened by the break up and is thinking of the impact it will have on her own relationship with her, independent of her son. She’s also clearly saddened by the loss of her hopes for their future together. It’s not mind blowing. It’s normal.

@Applie I know this thread is 2.5 years old, but I just wanted to thank you for asking the question and opening the conversation. My adult son's long-term (3.5 years, living together for the last 2.5, talking about getting married & having kids) gf just broke up with him and I'm really struggling with the unexpected strength of the feelings of sadness (which I know I have to process somehow, because the priority is clearly supporting him). Leaving aside the inevitable unthinking responses, there was a lot in your situation and in the responders' posts that I found really helpful. No idea if you'll even see this as I've not been on MN in YEARS, but I just think it's important to tell people when they've made a difference, however small or random (and I couldn't figure out how to DM you!). I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope you and your family are in a much better place now.

@NewToThis77 haha to believe it's been over 2 years since @Applie posted this - I remember it well as it chimed with my experience and feeling when my 21yo daughter split to with her bf of nearly 4 years (this was 10 years ago BTW). It was initiated by my DD but she was hoping through some health problems (mental and physical) that were only just emerging at the time (she was later hospitalised for 6 months) so quite a different situation BUT I can say that they stayed in touch and there is still a deep affection and friendship there which I have always admired them both for. They are both in new stable relationships and have met up as couples several times - my DD has 2 young children and he is married. We, as a family, are still very good friends with the family of the ex-bf (who were like and still think a lot of). With hindsight I can see that they would probably not have worked out as a couple (who can say for sure - that's just my assessment) but fundamentally my DD wants to lock down her security in life while her ex seems to float through life happily without any plans and I think that fundamental difference is why I don't think it would have worked out - 10 years on they are still financially different and I can't see how either could change their approach to life. There is still a lot of positives though - I was very sad they broke up at the time. Having said this, I think it's a shame your son couldn't embrace all the upsides of agreeing to go along with his ex-gf's ideas. In my long long relationship part of what makes it work (I think) is helping to make your partner's dreams come true - supporting and encouraging. The second thing is that don't things together before build a shared history, shared memories, shared decision making, facing and sharing the ups and down together - it could have helped build a solid platform for their future - it's a shame he was so short sighted about this - it sounds like she could have brought a lot into your son's life. It's not surprising though, I think your background shapes your appetite for embracing life and risk and perhaps this explains their different outlook. I'd be interested to hear how things have worked out - in my case, I think things worked out for the best for both of them.