To be devastated over their break-up

[Applie]

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

I don’t think you should continue a friendship with her OP in all honesty. It will not make it easy for your son to find a new partner. No one will ever match up to the wonderful girl who helped you when your husband died and to any new partner that’s impossible to live up to. Detach yourself even though it’s hard.

No they don’t - it can be exactly like another bereavement because the OP is still grieving. It’s triggering. If the OP has struggled with her own grief then this kind of emotional upheaval can trigger complex grief. Anyone who has lost a life partner and has had grief counselling will understand this.

It's normal to feel upset. When me and ex DH split, I was most upset about losing contact with his mum as she was like a mum to be. Over time, you'll move on. I wouldn't meet up with her though without checking with your DS first if he's happy with it.

Devastated is a strong term. But to say that a woman who you've only known for a couple of years because she's dating your son, is like your daughter, is madness.

She's making it all about her so no, she won't be supporting her son whilst crying for a woman she's known hardly any time at all.

I have to agree with this. She wasn't your daughter OP. She was someone who helped your family through a very difficult time but if you continue like this, you're going to make it very difficult for yourself son to move on. This is your sons heartbreak, not yours.

No one your son dates will ever match up because you're putting her on a pedestal. She just happened to be the woman your son was with at that time and it's making you think more of her than you otherwise would have. Very unfair on your son and his future relationships. He might be with someone else by next week so you need to get yourself together.

It's so sad that she's not going to be your daughter in law (not at the moment anyway- it's very likely she will want to come back and settle down with a nice bit like him in a couple of years if he's still single!) but what a wonderfully mature and thoughtful break up that's an example to all your kids

Gosh, Thankyou for that unsolicited advice. When you have had a recent bereavement it doesn’t take much to trigger similar feelings of loss.

Just wanted to say I understand as she was a big support in your life and your children's life and a good friend to you. Give it a few weeks and then text her ask does she want a coffee but as others have said do not mention your son unless she asks. Please be kind to yourself and also this could also be related to the passing of your husband as it is another loss and it has brought it all back to you. If you feel you need to it may be a good idea to have some kind of bereavement counselling as it would do you good to talk and also see what supports are out there for you and your children. Sending big hugs and ignore the people who post who are meanies, always a few.

ArtandMusic you really are missing the whole point of it all. When you lose a loved one as in her husband passing ok, you are grieving and the loss of this woman's friendship and support brings back all the loss of losing her husband and grieving is very complicated and you think you are doing fine and then wham something happens that normally in normal circumstances you are fine with but with a person grieving it brings you back to the loss and the pain and she is overwhelmed at the moment. Some people have no compassion/empathy or understanding at all.

Viques you are so right in what you said, and said it in a way so easy to understand..sorry I wrote an essay.

It's possible that much of what you're feeling is delayed grief for your DH. The mind works in peculiar ways. Best wishes OP.

I dunno.

I think it’s possible for Op to remain friendly. MIL is still close to DHs brothers ex and they split up over 20 years ago! She has her over all the time. DHs brother is fine with it and it’s not affected his subsequent relationship.

I think the trick to it is to start to see her as your friend and not DSs ex. Don’t cling to her and don’t talk about DS in any depth or betray either party’s confidence. Just see her socially from time to time and a friendship may be possible.

I don't understand why so many people are making the OP's feelings for the girlfriend about grief for the husband. I'm sure that the husband's loss is playing a part in the grief, but it is perfectly valid that the OP developed strong feelings towards a young woman who lived with her and behaved like a daughter-in-law.

OP, your feelings are normal and valid. Don't feel weird about grieving this situation.

Can't believe some people on here would be so cruel to a woman who lost her husband last year. Go and have a think about how you can be nicer

@ArtAndMusic this is really beyond the pail. You are being unessessarily cruel.
No one is comparing the loss of the daughter in law to a direct bereavement. But the OP lost her husband unexpectedly. With young children. Her son moved back in and his girlfriend became one of the family and together they all got through it. Her going makes her HUSBANDS bereavement hit freshly again, as her support has gone.
People meet and get married and have kids in a year, so of course she can feel like a DIL in that time when they were all involved.

I have no idea the pain the OP is going through, but I know to be fucking kind.

I haven’t read through all the posts but the phrase “friends or a reason, a season or a lifetime” springs to mind.

People come and go in our lives. And I firmly believe that they come and go at the right time. She brought some light to your lives during a dark time. Perhaps that was the reason. Or the season.

very sorry for your loss op

@Uggghhhh that is a really lovely way to look at it actually.

Seriously feck off, she’s lost her husband and has responsibilities with 4 children still requiring lots of time and support. A lovely girl has been there for her during a tough time so obviously she’s sad to be seeing less of her. And at no point did she say she wasn’t going to have her son’s back. Get off your high horse and look up the word empathy. Bloody hell, some people 😲

When my brother in law and his first girlfriend broke up after 9 years, my mother in law and I sobbed on the sofa for about an hour, just hugging each other and crying. We loved her so much, she was a huge part of the family. It was so sad. I think it’s normal and lovely that you’ve been so including and welcoming. You’ll move on but probably always have a place in your heart for her, that’s definitely how my MIL feels about that ex-girlfriend

Well OP did ask if she was bu. Some people will think she is. You have a different opinion. No need to be so aggressive.

The people down playing your feelings about this are nobs.

I absolutely love both of my sons' respective girlfriends. They are wonderful young women who are good for the boys, and also fierce and feisty and fucking awesome. I know for a fact that husband and I would both be genuinely devastated if either couple broke up. We consider the girls very much a part of our family, and if we are lucky, future daughter in laws.

There is nothing wrong with feeling upset, and on the back.of your recent bereavement, the emotions must surely be heightened. I'm sending hugs to you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

My dad was very upset when I broke up with an ex. I was probably of a similar age to your sons ex. My dad was convinced that we would get back together. I remember him giving me a lift to the pub, where I was going on a date. When I told him about the date (this was years after we broke up by the way), he asked ‘what about EX’S NAME?’ My ex had bought a house and was either engaged or he may well have been married to his now wife. My brothers had to have a word with my dad in the end to get him to stop bringing my ex up. In the end, he only properly stopped when my ex and his wife had their first child.

You can be upset about this break up, but please don’t hold out hope or vocalise your hope or disappointment in their break up. Be there for your son. Tell him it happens and encourage him to keep busy rather than sit and wallow. Let him talk to you about his ex. Don’t make a difficult situation awkward. You’ll have to be mindful that he will meet someone else and if you’re still meeting up with his ex for coffee, then that would also be awkward for the new girlfriend.

When your DC bring their partners into your life, you start to build you own relationship with them. My Ds' ex-girlfriend lived with us during lockdown as she is estranged from her own family. We all grew to love her, but then they split up. It's really hard. You do need to be there for your son, but your own loss is real too.

That sounds ridiculous OP. But I do ridiculous things all the time so can't judge you.

Pull your self together & stop being so rude & mean? Op has lost her partner, bringing up all the kids on her own & is upset about someone leaving her life that she drew to like. She’s not trampled on a kitten fgs.

I was the same when my daughter broke up with her ex, 3 months after my husband also passed away in 2018. They had been together 8 years. It was another loss. What I call living grief.

It's perfectly natural, and on top of losing your husband, it's bought another type of grief on, for you to deal with.

I found out a year later that her ex had cheated on her. Grief turned to fury then. If I could have got my hands on him.... She didn't tell me at the time cos of losing my husband.

Anyway, that was 5 years plus ago. She is now very happy in a relationship she has been in 3 years.

They have my youngest grandson, who is 18 months old. They also have another due at Christmas, whose a little girl.

You can't see it now, nor would I have. However, I love her partner to bits. He dotes on her, and I prefer him to her ex.

He is loyal, stable, dotes on her, and will do anything for her, so things often work out as they should, though you can't see it at the time.

Take your time to grieve, feel the loss, and it will get easier. All the best and virtual hugs