To be devastated over their break-up

[Applie]

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

Yes I do think people shouldn't go to a wedding if it makes the day better for everyone! Yes they can have amicable breakups but she's moving on and wanting to focus on different parts of her life. Let her go. And yes she can be sad but it's important not to show the kids that if they split up with a partner their mum might be devastated.

I recently burst out crying when I heard my db's ex has got engaged. I'm thrilled for her- a nicer person you couldn't meet. I wish her so much happiness. I didn't realise how much I was hoping they'd get back together though. What an eejit.

My DM also informed me fairly early on in my relationship with DH that she'd seriously consider keeping him in a break up so I might want to consider just getting married to save upset all round 😂😂😂

It's awful for them. Probably a matter of timing. He's in a different place now with his role in the family. But it will all sort itself out.

She sounds lovely and you can still keep up your friendship, independently of her relationship with your son. You don't have to dump each other! But it's time to step back a bit, she's a young woman with her own life ahead of her - she can't be your support, that's not fair. Meet once in a while for lunch/coffee and a catch-up - be glad that she came into your life when you most needed someone - but give her space to step back and be an ordinary friend.

It sounds like she was your support system after your husband passed away (I'm very sorry about that btw)

So it probably feels like another bereavement right now. It will get easier though

You have my sympathy - totally understandable especially when she’s been such a star.

Same thing happened to me after five years; she’d lived with us, gone on holiday, was really part of the family. I wanted to keep in touch but my son asked me not to. He felt it would be too hard for him and I had to respect that.

Respect your son’s feelings and maybe postpone the meetups. Some distance may be the best thing. Also there will be other girlfriends and it’s not fair on them.

What’s the issue with the wedding?

We all had a lovely night, my son wasn’t forced to tell people sooner than her liked that they have broken up, the kids loved having her there, my niece was happy to see her.
No one was harmed for it, it gives them a nice last memory. There is literally 0 issues from the wedding.

I personally feel its unfair on the neice who invited her as your son's girlfriend. Yes they had a lovely time but now presumably she's going to find out they were split up. If she'd been told discreetly, we've split up but exgirlfriend would love to come and will make sure to stay out of "family photos" then fine.

I don't have any advice but I was really touched by your post and didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry for what your family has been through. It is totally understandable how you are feeling. You are absolutely allowed to feel that way, like you say, she was part of the family. She sounds like the angel you needed at a very difficult time. I suppose I would try and reflect on the lasting positive impact she's had on the family and give yourself time 💓. Big hugs to you.

She wasn’t in any of the professional pictures, none of us were. I have 5 siblings and 2 step-siblings there was no way all the cousins and such were going to be in any pictures.

If I were the bride I would have wanted to know and said yes sure still come or hmm maybe not. The bride may never see her again now.

OP I can understand why you feel the way you do but you need to take a step back and not make their break up about you.

They are both quite young and they want different things right now. They both sound lovely and like they have a lot of respect and affection for each other despite their breakup.

Maybe they'll get back together, maybe they won't, but it sounds like they've both set the bar high for future relationships.

I think you can still be friends without it affecting anyone if you avoid talking about your son or her to him.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Go ahead and grieve all you want! This break-up affected you too. Of course you developed a relationship with her when she was living in your house and being so great.

Unfortunately, British people do tend to focus less on education and do tend to get into serious relationships and have children sooner than do people in much of western Europe. It's a pity your son can't find a goal to work towards before settling down and having kids.

As you yourself and another commenter have already said, this young woman is intelligent and engaged. Of course she wants to have adventures before settling down into a life of care. It sounds like she has had a lot of responsibility and does need a break.

Many people here are being weirdly cruel. Your son and his girlfriend clearly love and care about you and the rest of the family and did what they could to help out when you needed it. It was your son's father who died as well as your husband, so it wasn't at all a sacrifice or inappropriate on his part to get involved and of course any decent girlfriend/boyfriend in that situation would help out too. What they're dealing with now is about them.

If she grew up in Switzerland (where I've also lived), she'll think it's completely normal to stay in touch with you. Don't worry. You can continue encouraging your kids like she did and staying informed about her life.

You sound like you've got a lovely family and she was part of it. I totally get why you are so upset. You've really been through it OP. You will be alright and so will they but its obviously hard all round just now.

@Applie You sound lovely and I think going to the wedding was the right thing to do, and the bride wouldn’t have minded. I’m sorry I’ve sent the poster off on a rant.
You sound really lovely, as does your son and whole family.
Im so sorry again about your DH.

There was no issue her going to the wedding. She was being thoughtful as it sounds like she always is. She sounds lovely (could you send me her number for my son lol). Your son sounds lovely, and they both sound like they have made a mature decision. There’s nothing to say they won’t rekindle down the line, I’ve seen it happen.
You have had a massive loss with your husband and I think this one might have just tipped you a little. Yabu if you are showing it to a high level to your son and other kids tbh, as a pp says it puts pressure on them, now and in the future. I’m sure your children will miss her and of course your eldest especially as this is about him. So at risk of sounding harsh, I think you need to pull yourself together and not make it about you.

And? If the OP’s son and his girlfriend had split a month later instead of just before the wedding, the bride (and the forgotten groom!) would still have never seen her again. What were they supposed to do - say no family members could bring partners just in case they split up in the future?

I agree. Everyone involved sounds lovely. OP, it's because you're a lovely person and the girlfriend is too that you're feeling so low right now. Wish I could give you a hug and hang out with you because you really do sound like a great person to know.

I also agree that it wasn't weird to go to the wedding. Your son and the girlfriend are clearly civilized people and why not.

You've had a lot of loss recently and I hope you can invite a family member to stay for a while so you feel less alone.

I am so sorry for your loss.
You're missing her because she sounds like a wonderful human being, as does your son! If there's one thing to take away from this, you have raised a lovely gentleman who knows how to navigate a break up with kindness and dignity.
She came into your life at a very difficult time and she was there for you - that kind of stuff bonds people. Yanbu at all to feel upset, but don't be afraid to take her up on the offer for coffee and a chat.

Wedding is an irrelevant red herring and quite unhelpful to the OP to be going on about it.

OP, you've been through all sorts of grief recently. First moving which is a big one, then losing your Dh, which is massive and fairly recent. This breakup would be hard for anyone (as other parents here have said) but particularly difficult for you - and entirely reasonable. Please, please don't beat yourself up. When you have this big wounds of loss, a new one just opens up the wound again. Look after yourself, cry if you need to, don't think it's 'silly'. This is a genuine loss and it will make you grieve.

When my long-term boyfriend (7 years) split up with me, his DM was very upset. Told me that she wanted me to be her DIL. I know that it made him reluctant to invite subsequent girlfriends to meet his parents. Make sure that you don't make your DS worried about comparisons in the future - he may find someone equally nice/better suited to him.

When I broke up with my ex, I stayed friends with his mum, and called her every month or so to meet up for a coffee/day out/meal somewhere.

She passed away last year and my ex didn't tell me until after the funeral, which I was absolutely gutted about, as he knew I visited her. More than he did, by far.

Didn’t realise this thread was all about you.

OP, you suffered a terrible loss, unexpectedly. She filled the hole that was left, even if only in a small way, and now you have another loss. Of course you’re upset. It’s completely understandable and only to be expected. It’s likely to have tapped into your grief. Give yourself time.

I had a slightly similar situation when I was in my mid 20s. I had a great boyfriend, (but he was an only child, no siblings unlike in your situation OP), who lost his dad about 3 months after we first started dating. His mum was totally devastated by his death (as was he) so he and I tried very hard to help and support her, especially during the first year or so afterwards. As a result she and I became very close, very much like MIL/DIL and when, after about 3 years, my boyfriend and I mutually realised we were going in very different directions she was terribly upset. Probably more upset than we were TBH. I was also upset to lose her friendship as she had been nothing but kind, warm, open and welcoming to me right from the start.

In the end, after us both leaving each other alone for about 6 months we ended up bumping into each other in town and going for a coffee. Whilst chatting we both realised that apart from my relationship with her as her son's girlfriend, we were actually very good friends in our own right, so we continued to meet up and are great friends to this day nearly 40 years later. She has been a very much valued part of my life, and I can think of many times her words of wisdom and experience have helped me massively.

We live in different countries now, and I don't get back to the UK very much because of the cost of travel etc. But we speak every couple of weeks and both enjoy hearing about how our lives are going.

She has a wonderful DIL who I know she is very close to, but she does joke now and again that I am the DIL that got away.

I hope OP that maybe after a little space and time you might find that your son's exGF might want to keep in touch. Maybe you will find that you have a friendship with her independently. In the meantime, I do understand your feeling so upset, and I don't think you are being unreasonable. I hope you will find a way to cope with this additional sense of loss (which must be so intertwined with the grief of losing your husband) and feel better soon.