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AIBU?

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Original poster

High earner/low earner relationships

322 replies

CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 18:07

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

OP posts:
ShadowsontheHill · 07/10/2023 18:09

How do you split the basic bills?

PaminaMozart · 07/10/2023 18:10

Have you never raised this with him?

Where do you both see this relationship heading?

UsernamenotavailableBob · 07/10/2023 18:10

No that's not normal. If your salaries were swapped would you want to see him in the same boat as you find yourself?

newamsterdam · 07/10/2023 18:11

Well, I would say you're not married, you don't own property together, you're not financially tied. I don't see why he would share his money with you.

On the other hand, when I was not married, didn't own property, and had been with my now DH for a lot less than 6 years, we pooled all our money. Sometimes I earned more, sometimes less, sometimes nothing. We shared everything.

so no, he has no obligation to share with you and there is no reason he should. But I'd want the man who would anyway, and wouldn't even think about it.

Tweddle · 07/10/2023 18:11

Dh earns double what I do. Therefore he pays 2 thirds of all household expenses.

thebabessavedme · 07/10/2023 18:11

Don't marry a mean person, your life will be miserable.

Luxell934 · 07/10/2023 18:12

This is a tough one as if the sexes were reversed people would be telling the unmarried woman as the higher earner that the man was a cheeky fucker for even suggesting she gives him money. He would be told to get a better job and better himself.

Broccoliforever · 07/10/2023 18:12

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Kangarude · 07/10/2023 18:13

I suppose it depends. I am the higher earner and would pay the debt off for my DH, but if I thought he was just pissing it against the wall or it was reckless debt, then I may not be as inclined to pay.

Broccoliforever · 07/10/2023 18:13

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Doggymummar · 07/10/2023 18:14

So long as he is paying his share of the bills, my maths is crap but probably 3 quarters he doesn't need to bail you out. My oh earns 4 x what I do so he pays 4 times what I do. Although he was just made redundant so I will be paying more until he finds a new job,

Helenahandkart · 07/10/2023 18:15

I am in a relationship with a higher earner, together for 22 years, married for 16. We moved in together after 2 years and ever since that point we have split all our income down the middle, because we both work the same hours and make the same effort. My DH didn’t want to be in a position where he could do fun stuff that I couldn’t join in with because of lack of money. He felt it was unfair.

The only caveat to that is that we each keep any overtime money we make. And there have been a couple of times when I was earning similar amounts to him, but only temporarily.

Judging by what I read on Mumsnet there are many relationships that have the same set up as yours, so it must work for some people, but I’m glad my DH sees things differently.

ConnieTucker · 07/10/2023 18:16

Kangarude · 07/10/2023 18:13

I suppose it depends. I am the higher earner and would pay the debt off for my DH, but if I thought he was just pissing it against the wall or it was reckless debt, then I may not be as inclined to pay.

This for me too.

Youve no children. Why can you not increase your earnings?

HappyMavis · 07/10/2023 18:17

Well to be open £160k doesn't strike me as especially high so as long as this bit is true "We are in a happy relationship" I'm not seeing an issue!

Mylovelygreendress · 07/10/2023 18:17

Do you plan to get married and/or have DC ?

newamsterdam · 07/10/2023 18:18

You think160k isn't high? you must be then....

gerteddy · 07/10/2023 18:18

I earned more than double what dh did for many years. Even before we got married. I cld never see him struggle and me be rolling in money. The difference in your salaries is even way more. He wldnt miss £5k pretty shit of him not to at least offer to pay it off for u and u just pay it back without interest.

As soon as we got a house together it was our money not mine and his. Before that I still treated him and bought things for him as he was a student and I was working full time.

We now earn similar but I was the higher earner for miles for more than 15yrs.

Mylovelygreendress · 07/10/2023 18:18

Since when was £160k not a high salary ??

DepressionIsAMonster · 07/10/2023 18:20

I think it depends how you split your outgoings between you. When DH and I left uni, I was the only breadwinner for a couple of years, now I earn 7 times what he does.

we worked out joint costs - mortgage, bills, childcare etc - and then split it proportionally, with both of us putting that money into a joint account. Whatever’s then left in our personal accounts is ours to spend. I don’t know how much he’s left with at the end of the month, but it seems to be enough to clothe himself, go out with his mates etc. I wouldn’t be thrilled if he wasn’t managing to budget for his own leisure from his own salary

TeenLifeMum · 07/10/2023 18:20

@HappyMavis you honestly can’t see how someone earning £160k a year would have more money than someone earning £30k a year? Do you struggle with maths are or you deliberately being obtuse?

Does your partner know you’re financially struggling and if so, what’s his reaction?

GrazingSheep · 07/10/2023 18:20

What are the household outgoings?

TeenLifeMum · 07/10/2023 18:22

@Mylovelygreendress it’s a mn thing and I always assume the people saying it are unemployed and just have no concept of earnings because surely no intelligent high earners would be so unaware of average earnings in the country to say such a thing.

JumpinJellyfish · 07/10/2023 18:22

I earn a lot more than DH (7-8x his salary) and make a correspondingly much bigger contribution to household expenses. When we first got together things were a lot more equal but we didn’t open a joint account until we bought our first flat together.

I think in your position it really depends on the detail - How do you split joint expenses? Imo if he is making a fair contribution to eg rent and bills (so in a proportion equivalent to his higher earnings) I wouldn’t expect him to also pay down your debt or give you handouts. But if you go out for coffee or a meal then I’d probably expect him to pay.

Edited to say just spotted you’ve been together 6 years - I suppose at this point I’d be wondering where the relationship is going? Why haven’t you committed more to each other?

Milliondollars · 07/10/2023 18:24

What happens if you go out for a meal or to the cinema or on a day out? I would expect him to pay more.

Broccoliforever · 07/10/2023 18:24

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