Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

High earner/low earner relationships

322 replies

CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 18:07

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

OP posts:
DepressionIsAMonster · 07/10/2023 18:25

just to add, our joint pot covers things like toiletries, Netflix etc, so we only have to cover new clothes, going out with friends from our indiv accounts. We didn’t have any debts before we met each other, so any debts on CCs we consider as joint debts and pay them off as a joint expense. If he wanted to take on a new debt for something such as study, we’d treat that as a joint expense.

CanvaQueen · 07/10/2023 18:26

If he’s paying proportionally more of the bills, this is fine. Don’t have children until you’re married though.

Scaredycats · 07/10/2023 18:27

How are you sorting out the bills? If you’re not married I can see why he’s not desperate to pay off your debts. But does he see you ever getting married/do you want to?

Fahbeep · 07/10/2023 18:28

How old are you both, and do you intend to get married? Frankly, if you're struggling with £5k of debt, and he won't pay it for you after 6 years together and plans for a long term future, whether married or not, (when it's pocket money to him - probably what he would spend on a nice holiday in that wage bracket), I'm not sure he's that much of a keeper. If he is making you pay everything 50/50, what happens if/when you have kids and your income goes down? Will he support you? Only you know.

ArtAndMusic · 07/10/2023 18:29

Once we moved in together, we shared all money. I don't think you can live together happily if you live vastly different lifestyles.

I don't know what's 'normal' but this is how all my friends, who have happy relationships, have done it.

I think if you're not willing to share everything, don't bother living together.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/10/2023 18:29

It's not great that he doesn't automatically buy you a coffee when he's getting one

It's a crap set up 🤷‍♀️

AutumnAuntie · 07/10/2023 18:32

I think if you aren’t married then I wouldn’t expect him to share or help you although it would be nice if he treats you to some meals out etc.

missmollygreen · 07/10/2023 18:33

LaurieFairyCake · 07/10/2023 18:29

It's not great that he doesn't automatically buy you a coffee when he's getting one

It's a crap set up 🤷‍♀️

But OP says they dont want a hand out.....

How are all the bills split?

Absolutechaos · 07/10/2023 18:35

I think this whole "my money"/"your money" is a weird British thing! My DH and I had a single joint account from the time we were in a committed relationship ie no longer just boyfriend and girlfriend. Back then he earned slightly more than me. I now earn about 20x what he does but it's all still "our" money. This is completely normal in our home country.

RaeHitsEbSire · 07/10/2023 18:36

HappyMavis · 07/10/2023 18:17

Well to be open £160k doesn't strike me as especially high so as long as this bit is true "We are in a happy relationship" I'm not seeing an issue!

🙄here we go with the "I'm so much richer than you" brigade.

caerdydd12 · 07/10/2023 18:37

What is the debt for?

Birch101 · 07/10/2023 18:38

It's odd me and my partner had different wages and pre kids we kept everything separate, after having a kid I see it all as our family money.

I would approach this as with such a wage difference that if things are being split equally it's what you can afford e.g. going out do dinner your budget is £50 for dinner and a drink so you go to a restaurant that would cater to that, same with housing, holidays, etc. If he wants to do things that cost more I would expect him to pay the difference.

I would not like that with a 30k wage that I couldn't get out of 5k debt.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/10/2023 18:38

@CandleLight11 two things strike me OP- could he be bullshitting you on earnings? Are those in line with his job- as most high earning men I know usually like splashing the cash both on themselves and partners - also is he aware of what you earn? Does he do things that you can't possibly afford but are expected to contribute to?

What is it you want? Is he paying all the rent or expecting you to contribute a significant amount- why is it that you struggle if paying not that much on the big expenses? Or is it that he's expecting a big contribution on them

It's really hard to assess without these details

And by the way the person who thinks £160k isn't a big salary- get real!

GuardiansPlayList · 07/10/2023 18:41

DH and I have very different salaries. We have one joint account and everything comes out of that (including personal/individual treats, clothes etc).

Vistada · 07/10/2023 18:41

What is the debt? Did you have it pre relationship? Was it accumulated on things that benefit you both or just you?

CanvaQueen · 07/10/2023 18:42

RaeHitsEbSire · 07/10/2023 18:36

🙄here we go with the "I'm so much richer than you" brigade.

Show quote history

If OP’s boyfriend is footing the vast majority of the bills of a nice rented flat in London, plus investing/saving, he might not have a dissimilar amount left over each month.

If they’re paying 50/50 then of course that’s not the case, but she hasn’t replied to any of the messages asking.

GuardiansPlayList · 07/10/2023 18:44

Absolutechaos · 07/10/2023 18:35

I think this whole "my money"/"your money" is a weird British thing! My DH and I had a single joint account from the time we were in a committed relationship ie no longer just boyfriend and girlfriend. Back then he earned slightly more than me. I now earn about 20x what he does but it's all still "our" money. This is completely normal in our home country.

Same here (and I am British).
I think one joint account is normal for most British people but MN is not representative of real life - it’s a very skewed demographic.

RaeHitsEbSire · 07/10/2023 18:44

CanvaQueen · 07/10/2023 18:42

If OP’s boyfriend is footing the vast majority of the bills of a nice rented flat in London, plus investing/saving, he might not have a dissimilar amount left over each month.

If they’re paying 50/50 then of course that’s not the case, but she hasn’t replied to any of the messages asking.

Show quote history

I didn't mean OP and her boyfriend, I meant pp saying £160 wasn't high.

snickersandmarsandbounty · 07/10/2023 18:47

Stinginess is an unattractive trait and it doesn’t matter if he has 50 quid or a few million -it’s about his mindset

theduchessofspork · 07/10/2023 18:48

Given you aren’t married, I wouldn’t expect you to pool finances entirely, but given the extremity of your financial situations I am surprised he isn’t helping out more.

Have you discussed this with him and does he know how skint you are?? Also how do you split bills and rent? And do you plan to marry / have kids?!

cigarettesNalcohol · 07/10/2023 18:50

No this isn't normal.

theduchessofspork · 07/10/2023 18:51

HappyMavis · 07/10/2023 18:17

Well to be open £160k doesn't strike me as especially high so as long as this bit is true "We are in a happy relationship" I'm not seeing an issue!

@HappyMavis

Earning over 150k puts you in the top 2% of UK earners.

Don’t be a muppet

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/10/2023 18:54

theduchessofspork · 07/10/2023 18:51

@HappyMavis

Earning over 150k puts you in the top 2% of UK earners.

Don’t be a muppet

Show quote history

It's only about 7k per month take home pay. Its a pittance really.

Bumblenums · 07/10/2023 18:55

This isn't normal, it's screams red flag to me. If u are planning a life together then its not the way it is. My DH earns twice the amount I do, but you work it out so all the bills are paid, you both have enough fun money for the month and some to go in savings etc. He's gonna be the bloke who expects you to pay for all the childcare, kids stuff, shopping etc while he pisses off on a golfing holiday leaving you to decide between nappies or food

MiNombreEs · 07/10/2023 18:57

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/10/2023 18:54

It's only about 7k per month take home pay. Its a pittance really.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣