Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

High earner/low earner relationships

322 replies

CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 18:07

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

OP posts:
Original poster
CandleLight11 · 09/10/2023 13:08

AutumnAuntie · 09/10/2023 12:43

Have you actually asked him to pay off your debt or pay all the bills/food etc so you can prioritise the debt?

No. Do you think this would be reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
CandleLight11 · 09/10/2023 13:09

Hufflepods · 09/10/2023 12:43

@CandleLight11 My issue isn’t he has nice coffees and I don’t. My issue is he chooses to spend sooo much money on frivolous things (his prerogative) whilst his partner is in a small hole of debt.

You are choosing to spend soooo much sending money you can't afford to your relative! You seem to think your choices are more valid than his.

This is quite clearly the main drain on your money because the repayment of 5k debt would be quite low relative to your income.

It's interesting how he is so frivolous with his money, but you haven't mentioned where your debt as come from?

It's also very minimising to suggest he only pays £250 more than you. Once you actually factor in everything, the takeaways, holidays, socialising etc, he clearly pays considerably more than £250 in addition to what you cover.

You seem to think all your personal expenses are non negotiable, but his aren't necessary at all.

Fair enough. Thanks.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 09/10/2023 13:13

I think this just isn't a partnership, you're just flat mates. Partnership in name only.

PikachuChickenRice · 09/10/2023 13:35

CandleLight11 · 09/10/2023 13:09

Fair enough. Thanks.

Show quote history

The problem with your attitude is because he has so much money, giving it to you for your 'non-negotiables' wont' make a dent. But it's still the principles. In a truly joint partnership you wouldn't be able to unilaterally decide to get into debt and pay for a relative's care , all on your own.

If you were dating a man on 30K also and you had to be really careful then you wouldn't be able to do the above but because he has so much you think he should just help you out.

Personally I think if you are a partnership he should help you - if he doesn't want to, he should dump you. But the latter outcome, or you dumping him is never going to happen because you'd be EVEN worse off without him.

So really. You're stuck.

I also don't understand when you say you've spoken to him about the debt and he 'watches you struggle' but in reply to @AutumnAuntie you said you didn't ask him for help directly?? What's that all about?

And after 6 years if he's still in rented with you he has no intention of being serious I'm afraid.

For your own security you need a permanent commitment from him or independence because all this could end tomorrow and you'd be out on your ear.

SnakeGirl · 09/10/2023 13:40

I had this with my ex, on three times my wage and he was the tightest man walking..well until it came to himself.

I paid halves towards takeaways (which consisted of him buying the majority of the food for himself and just expecting half) I was young and just paid half.

you will never have nothing with someone like that, a relationship is joint and shared, my partner has always helped me, and I’ve always helped him. When we first got together we always helped each other even before we moved in together.

It’s baffling how he’s on so much money and leaving you to struggle. What happens if you have a child, pet? I’d seriously be evaluating this OP it’s not a fair relationship.

Hufflepods · 09/10/2023 13:56

@SnakeGirl *I had this with my ex, on three times my wage and he was the tightest man walking..well until it came to himself.

I paid halves towards takeaways (which consisted of him buying the majority of the food for himself and just expecting half) I was young and just paid half.*

So actually not like the OP's situation at all then considering the BF pays for all meals out, holidays, coffees, socialising etc.

literalviolence · 09/10/2023 14:01

CandleLight11 · 09/10/2023 10:57

For those of you saying he pays the rent/he is subsidising me. He pays £1k (rent) I pay £750 (food/utilities). So he earns 5x more than me but pays £250 more.

Meals out, coffee, holidays etc. are unimportant. They are luxuries he can afford and I would happily go without as I can't afford them. If he wants to pay for us to do this things, that's very nice of him, I'm grateful. If I had to pay for these things I simply would not be doing them.

I don't have £1250 left over, I have to pay for a car (yes I need a car for work and life), petrol, basic necessities (sorry that I may need to buy a few things throughout the month other than pay council tax and put some butter in the fridge), telephone, various insurances, care cost (fine if you don't agree, family health is a priority to me, no need to slaughter me for it I'm hardly saying I'm frittering money away on alcohol and drugs), and debt repayment. There is not much left after that so I remain in an overdraft.

I did say in the OP 'opinions please' and that I can see both sides of the coin.

I guess the verdict is my partner and I should live very opposite lifestyles. In the meantime I will try to up my salary. Thanks for all your input.

1250 is loads to pay for a car, petrol, clothes, toiletries, telephone, social life. Most people have to do those things on way less than 1250. How much are you actually paying on the car? I think you might have bought a very expensive car hoping your OH will sub you? Apologies if I'm wrong, but I can't see a car inc insurance costing more than 500. Then even if you've got an expensive phone (£35?), spend £200 on petrol, you've still got more than £500 for fun. You are welcome to choose to have less/ more free fun in order to pay for things for your relative but I think it's clear that this is a choice. You need to cut your cloth rather than assume your boyfriend should pay for things.

literalviolence · 09/10/2023 14:02

CandleLight11 · 09/10/2023 13:08

No. Do you think this would be reasonable?

Show quote history

Personally, no. Your relationship does not seem to be at that level.

PaminaMozart · 09/10/2023 14:12

literalviolence · 09/10/2023 14:02

Personally, no. Your relationship does not seem to be at that level.

Show quote history

I agree. And yet 'they' (she?) are/is apparently trying to conceive...??!!!

The whole thing is totally bonkers. I don't think he is really invested and it's all in her head.

Which isn't surprising, given that they don't actually seem to discuss their finances or their joint future.

JenniferBooth · 09/10/2023 14:13

If OP lost her job tommorrow wouldnt the DWP treat them as a couple

SnakeGirl · 09/10/2023 14:13

@Hufflepods

erm yes it is, regardless of that..someone leaving you to struggle whilst supposedly in a partnership is pretty lousy. Holidays and treats mean nothing, I’m sure she would rather live better in daily life than having a random trip.

cannaecookrisotto · 09/10/2023 14:14

Living frugally doesn't mean he's lying about his salary, I earn similar to the OPs DP but I don't upscale my living costs along with my salary.

I'd rather have the disposable. I don't need a huge house, yeah my cars flash but I bought it outright, no finance on it.

I shop at Aldi and like a bargain as much as anyone else.

I don't see the point in swallowing up my monthly earnings with higher living costs when I can save/spend on fun shit for us to do as a family.

cannaecookrisotto · 09/10/2023 14:17

In terms of bill splitting, we each pay in accordance with our earnings, so I pay the higher amount split around 70/30. Whatever is left stays in our perspective pockets.

If DP got into debt, it would depend on what he went into debt for to determine if i'd be bailing him out or not.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/10/2023 14:22

@CandleLight11 of course it's reasonable to discuss it if you are meant to be a couple. It's like when we had 2 clearly quite well off Indian couples come to look at the nice house we were renting and moving in from - the women said nothing , they asked no questions, they just trailed round and I got the impression they had zero say at all on anything- I felt extremely uncomfortable. Speak up @CandleLight11 - explain why you need either a contribution from him or if he can pay your debt off- out of interest does he even know you pay this money over for family care???

Hufflepods · 09/10/2023 14:29

@SnakeGirl erm yes it is, regardless of that..someone leaving you to struggle whilst supposedly in a partnership is pretty lousy. Holidays and treats mean nothing, I’m sure she would rather live better in daily life than having a random trip.

He isn't leaving her to struggle though. £1250 is more than enough to cover daily life, after bills rent and food. Particularly as all socialising with the BF is paid by him.
She's not being left on the bones of her arse in the slightest.

literalviolence · 09/10/2023 14:59

JenniferBooth · 09/10/2023 14:13

If OP lost her job tommorrow wouldnt the DWP treat them as a couple

I think possibly yes, but then I think they also would expect the OP to support her DP too if he was made redundant - so they'd both be living of the 30K (it may surprise them to discover that it's doable!)

thefarrierswife · 09/10/2023 15:09

Speak to him discuss how you feel a team except finances, where is the relationship going, do you plan to buy a house etc. As if so it would make sense to clear your debt. What happens if/when you have children. If he sees his money as his and you see as it joint long term it won't work out. I would strongly advise not having a baby at this point, you could be left in a very vulnerable position.

Broccoliforever · 09/10/2023 15:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/10/2023 17:05

Unless of course @Broccoliforever he's on no such money at all and has bullshitted the OP? I don't know that's the case but it's a rare person 'up north ' on that salary who wouldn't buy- and that's why I'm a bit cynical

AutumnAuntie · 09/10/2023 17:18

Maybe he has bought and he lets out a property or multiple properties?

Millybob · 09/10/2023 17:48

You sound like flatmates. Are you struggling because you can't keep up with rent/dinners/holidays etc that are pitched to his income, not yours? In which case, he's tight-fisted.

AutumnAuntie · 09/10/2023 17:54

Are you struggling because you can't keep up with rent/dinners/holidays etc that are pitched to his income, not yours? In which case, he's tight-fisted
No he pays for all that.

TedMullins · 09/10/2023 17:56

you're being hideously unreasonable IMO. Your debt isn’t his problem. If you want more money, look for a better-paid job. I’m the (female) higher earner in my relationship, but we go 50/50 on living expenses. I pay for holidays upfront but he pays me back his half in instalments. He chose a low-paying career in the creative/performing arts sector (I love creative people so this isn’t a complaint) but his low earnings are a direct result of his choices. I also used to be in a low paid creative sector but chose to jump ship into a different career which used similar skills but pays a lot better.

I do treat him sometimes of course but he WANTS to be an equal contributor. I buy myself more treats than he can afford for himself and get Ubers where he’d choose to get the bus. If he had debt and asked me to pay it off, I probably would if I could afford it, but I’d expect him to pay me back over time.

Uggtrending · 09/10/2023 17:57

@cannaecookrisotto so YOU RENT on that salary though? @Crikeyalmighty raises a good point.

Nobody would rent earning 160k.

JenniferBooth · 09/10/2023 17:59

@TedMullins what would you do if he got ill

Swipe left for the next trending thread