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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

High earner/low earner relationships

322 replies

CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 18:07

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

OP posts:
Uggtrending · 07/10/2023 18:58

@HappyMavis there's always one 🙄🙄🙄

nc14 · 07/10/2023 19:00

DP earns a lot more than me. I also used to have some debt (thankfully not anymore) we kept everything separate and sometimes I did feel a bit resentful, but since we had DS everything has changed (DP bought a house in our joint names and we split the bills but he contributes more). I think prior to children, and if you’re not married, it does make sense to keep things separate.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/10/2023 19:00

if you're just splitting everything 50-50 then you're no better than flat mates with sex thrown in. No way are you life partners. Either you sort this out now or leave him. Because if you have children your life will be horrible if he still expects you to pay 50-50. You will ALWAYS be at a disadvantage.

Try and imagine if ever you had a serious illness and you NEEDED him to step up and support you. Can you be sure that would happen? He just sounds so damned stingey.

Some people do very little for their large salary while others earn much less and work really hard with unpaid overtime and no breaks through the day. My DH works very hard and earns much more than me (nowhere near like your partner, though, OP) but he would NEVER see me struggling and has always been generous when we go out etc, paying all bills when the kids were younger etc. No questions asked. He was just brought up like that, that when you partner up with someone, you are just that. Partners. Both bringing something to the relationship and it isn't always something financial.

Gothambutnotahamster · 07/10/2023 19:01

It doesn't sound great but it depends on how you split bills. IMHO you should be splitting it whereby he pays 4/5 and you pay 1/5 but it is a bit different given you're not married & don't have children together.

FWIW, being with someone who is mean just makes for a miserable life.

PeloMom · 07/10/2023 19:02

Assuming you split rent and bills proportionally to income he doesn’t owe you anything since you aren’t married. If your split is 50/50 or more than your fair share it’s time to have a conversation.

BarelyCoping123 · 07/10/2023 19:03

I earned more than DH when we met and for many years after. For the past several years he earns way more than me.
From the day that we moved in together and became partners, we always pooled everything. We are partners, we want to share the same lifestyle, we want to support each other, regardless of who earns more or less.
Your description of a relationship is totally alien to me, it doesn't seem like a partnership.

Highandlows · 07/10/2023 19:04

No I would consider a person like that cruel and selfish. He knows that paying a debt accrue interest. I would pay your debt at least. Also, yes is his money but what would you do if you were the high earner?

arintingly · 07/10/2023 19:08

Only on here do I encounter so many couples with so much disparity in earnings. IRL the high earners are with other high earners.

In general I think before marriage and/ or children it's fine to have separate finances but really big gaps make it difficult.

I think it would depend on where the debt came from for me

honkersbonkers38 · 07/10/2023 19:09

If you were flat sharing with a friend - a good friend, a friend of ten years or more, and she earnt five times your salary - would you expect her to give you money? Of course not. But you have sex so you sort of expect it? Doesn't sit right somehow.

It changes if you get married or/and have kids. Marriage is a financial contract, so you'd get a share. And kids are a joint responsibility. But otherwise, no. YABU

Original poster
CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 19:09

We live in the North, rent is £1k. He pays £1k rent I pay £350 bills. But I also pay £400 food so although it sounds like I’m getting a good deal, I pay for the food and feel like we pay almost equal despite him earning SO much more.
Because of my lack of money, I’ve been buying a lot less food recently as my debt is getting worse and we eat more takeouts which he pays for because there’s never enough food in.
Yes I have told him and he just seems to let me carry on this way which is what I don’t understand.
I don’t know if we will marry/have kids as there are some struggles but we plan to be together forever. We are mid thirties.

OP posts:
honkersbonkers38 · 07/10/2023 19:12

Having read your update it sounds as if you're not really happy. If he doesn't marry you, then you'll always be like this - the poor relation. And that's a shame. I doubt he'll change.

Broccoliforever · 07/10/2023 19:12

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Gothambutnotahamster · 07/10/2023 19:13

Honestly @CandleLight11 it sounds like you need to cut your losses. You're not in a partnership at all and it doesn't sound like you will be.

Broccoliforever · 07/10/2023 19:14

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Original poster
CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 19:15

He travels by train to London for work for 2 days per week and the rest of the time remote.

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 07/10/2023 19:15

Do you want kids OP? Because if there is even the slightest chance you do I’d be moving on. Renting despite huge income, not married despite 6 years together in your mid 30s, allowing you to struggle on with, what to him, would be a tiny debt…None of this screams ‘this guy wants commitment’ to be honest. That’s fine if he just wants something extremely casual, but not if you aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet.

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2023 19:15

What do you spend your money on? You should have a reasonable amount left after £750 spent on food and bills.

Reugny · 07/10/2023 19:16

I'm a much higher earner than my DP I haven't paid off his debts. One of my siblings used to be a much higher earner than his wife but didn't pay off her debts.

In both our cases we pay much more for certain things but we leave/left our partners to sort out their own money.

The debts are/were from things that are nothing to go with us so why is/was there a duty to pay them off?

On the other hand one of my sister's paid of a then boyfriend's debt and he was supposed to pay her back. They all after split up. It had to go to Court because he suddenly decided to stop payments. The judge, who was a man, asked him why he thought it was ok to take money from people and not pay them back?

PaminaMozart · 07/10/2023 19:16

He doesn't see you as a team, @CandleLight11 , and he doesn't have your back.

I truly struggle to understand why you would "plan to be together forever".

Broccoliforever · 07/10/2023 19:16

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PeloMom · 07/10/2023 19:16

You need to sit down and show him that proportionally the outgoings aren’t fair. He can pay for food too or for the bills. I can see his point- if you weren’t with him what would you do? What will your rent be? Bills? How will you cover your debt? As someone else mentioned, what’s the debt related to?

Crikeyalmighty · 07/10/2023 19:18

@CandleLight11 do you think he could be bullshitting you? A guy earning that will usually rent somewhere much higher than that- (in fact up north why doesn't he own) ??

Something doesn't add up- I think he's either bullshitting you, has a ton of debt you don't know about or if not those then sadly he is plain tight as a ducksarse- and only interested in saving cash for him- is anything cultural at play here- giving money to family etc???

Ponderingwindow · 07/10/2023 19:18

I think it depends on if he is expecting you to live beyond your means. You shouldn’t just be paying a proportional rent, you should be renting a place that you truly can afford on your salary. You shouldn’t just be paying proportional bills, you should together be living a lifestyle that you as the lower earner can afford. If he is pressuring you to live beyond your means then it is a problem.

Original poster
CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 19:19

I have a sick relative that I have to (well I choose to) pay a portion of my salary to care for. I would prefer not to go into the details of this but it's a fixed, unavoidable monthly cost.

OP posts:
LorW · 07/10/2023 19:19

I’d do it for my partner/DH if we were in a serious committed relationship because nobody wants to see the person they love hard up and struggling , I mean 5k is a drop in the ocean for him really and you’ve been together 6 years and are renting? I couldn’t be with a meanie. I agree with others though that he may just be bumbling along with you and doesn’t see your relationship as a forever thing. Have you spoken about marriage/children?

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