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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

High earner/low earner relationships

322 replies

CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 18:07

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

OP posts:
minipie · 07/10/2023 19:20

What do you mean by “some struggles” re getting married?

You’re saying you plan to be together forever, but not being married, not sharing finances and not owning a place together says the opposite tbh.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/10/2023 19:20

@Broccoliforever hence my post below - and especially up north

I think he may well be lying because even if he hadn't bought-- a decent rented house or flat in a good area is way more than that and people usually rent to kind of match salary level

arintingly · 07/10/2023 19:21

CandleLight11 · 07/10/2023 19:19

I have a sick relative that I have to (well I choose to) pay a portion of my salary to care for. I would prefer not to go into the details of this but it's a fixed, unavoidable monthly cost.

Does he see it as unavoidable or as a choice?

I just wonder if this influences his attitude

Broccoliforever · 07/10/2023 19:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gothambutnotahamster · 07/10/2023 19:25

Crikeyalmighty · 07/10/2023 19:20

@Broccoliforever hence my post below - and especially up north

I think he may well be lying because even if he hadn't bought-- a decent rented house or flat in a good area is way more than that and people usually rent to kind of match salary level

Goo point. Now that you've mentioned this, i think it's more likely he's lying too.

thelonemommabear · 07/10/2023 19:26

Does he agree with you supporting the sick relative? There is obviously a huge backstory there but I wouldn't be happy with my much lower income earning partner getting into debt every month because she's voluntarily financially supporting someone else. If he starts to subsidise you he js effectively subsiding this other sick relative

ironorchids · 07/10/2023 19:26

It sounds like he could pay off your debt with one or two months of salary without too much trouble. If you're not worth that to him after 6 years then what hope is there.

Time to leave.

Janebloom · 07/10/2023 19:26

I don't think so tbh.
How do you decide on bills/meals out/trips etc
Me and DHs salaries are different as I work part time, we both put in the same percentage of our salaries into a joint account to cover the above so DH puts in a significant more than me

Fahbeep · 07/10/2023 19:28

I think it's time for the big chat about what you both want long term, marriage, kids, housing, finances. If you're just flatmates FWB, what's the point of the relationship? Not trying to be an arse but if you are mid thirties and do think you want kids, are you wasting your best years in something stagnant but comfortable?

Wtha · 07/10/2023 19:30

I would question such a relationship let alone it's happiness. My DH earns well more than me but everything is joint for us and he pays most of the bills alone.

Fahbeep · 07/10/2023 19:32

I am also wondering if his salary claim is BS. People warning that kind of money at that young age tend to have big houses, BTLs, investments and very expensive cars. Is he putting all his money into savings? Because he isn't living like someone on the top 1% of earners in £1k a month rented house. I think you need to look for a payslip to see if he has been shining you on about his wealth.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/10/2023 19:34

honkersbonkers38 · 07/10/2023 19:09

If you were flat sharing with a friend - a good friend, a friend of ten years or more, and she earnt five times your salary - would you expect her to give you money? Of course not. But you have sex so you sort of expect it? Doesn't sit right somehow.

It changes if you get married or/and have kids. Marriage is a financial contract, so you'd get a share. And kids are a joint responsibility. But otherwise, no. YABU

Edited

But a partner is quite clearly MORE than JUST flat-sharing and sex, obviously, don't be silly. You just can't compare a life partner with a friend you're flat sharing with, even leaving the sex out of it. Having a life partner is about having the same values, sharing the same dreams, supporting each other emotionally AND financially, putting the other person first sometimes, compromising. Forgiving each other sometimes, working through issues. Being there for that person through thick and thin. Helping them out when they need you and expecting that they'd do that for you.

It just doesn't sound like they are proper partners. More like boyfriend and girlfriend who flat share.

arintingly · 07/10/2023 19:37

I don't think he's necessarily lying about his salary - he is just doing the thing that is often suggested: living at a level the lower earner can afford not expecting them to keep up with a flashier lifestyle

Thinkbiglittleone · 07/10/2023 19:38

I don’t know if we will marry/have kids as there are some struggles but we plan to be together forever. We are mid thirties

On the face of it, no I wouldn't want to marry him.
If he has a lot more disposable income then you, you are helping a poorly relative, and he doesn't want to help take that stress away when he can, to me, that's not love..

yutu · 07/10/2023 19:38

DH and I were friends at the start. I remember the first time we went out (as friends) was to a social event but I didnt realise I had to buy tickets in cash ( we were living in a country where you would pay for everything by card and not common to use cash). I had to borrow cash from him to get in. After the event we went to have dinner and I offered to pay for the meal by card, I didnt care about the difference because Im from a culture you just take turns to pay and never count to the exact amount.

From then on we always take turns to pay for our outings and never calculated the amount. He earned more than me and he is very generous, not only to me but to friends and family too.

Eventually we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Since then we had one joint account where we put all our money together. When we bought our first home, I brought significantly more deposit than him, but I never hesitated. After having our son I stopped working, but we share everything. We never argued over money really. We are both generous people in nature and I love the way we are.

I honestly could not see myself in a relationship with someone who keeps everything so separate and can enjoy life where the other half is struggling. That kind of relationship sounds like roommates rather than couples/family.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/10/2023 19:47

Reugny · 07/10/2023 19:16

I'm a much higher earner than my DP I haven't paid off his debts. One of my siblings used to be a much higher earner than his wife but didn't pay off her debts.

In both our cases we pay much more for certain things but we leave/left our partners to sort out their own money.

The debts are/were from things that are nothing to go with us so why is/was there a duty to pay them off?

On the other hand one of my sister's paid of a then boyfriend's debt and he was supposed to pay her back. They all after split up. It had to go to Court because he suddenly decided to stop payments. The judge, who was a man, asked him why he thought it was ok to take money from people and not pay them back?

Then she wasn't paying off his debts, was she?! She was just lending him money!

Janieforever · 07/10/2023 19:50

I’m sorry I think it’s your responsibility to ensure you earn for your life style as a grown adult . What are you doing to increase your earnings?

Janieforever · 07/10/2023 19:51

yutu · 07/10/2023 19:38

DH and I were friends at the start. I remember the first time we went out (as friends) was to a social event but I didnt realise I had to buy tickets in cash ( we were living in a country where you would pay for everything by card and not common to use cash). I had to borrow cash from him to get in. After the event we went to have dinner and I offered to pay for the meal by card, I didnt care about the difference because Im from a culture you just take turns to pay and never count to the exact amount.

From then on we always take turns to pay for our outings and never calculated the amount. He earned more than me and he is very generous, not only to me but to friends and family too.

Eventually we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Since then we had one joint account where we put all our money together. When we bought our first home, I brought significantly more deposit than him, but I never hesitated. After having our son I stopped working, but we share everything. We never argued over money really. We are both generous people in nature and I love the way we are.

I honestly could not see myself in a relationship with someone who keeps everything so separate and can enjoy life where the other half is struggling. That kind of relationship sounds like roommates rather than couples/family.

Well honestly, I don’t get posts like this. She’s not asking you to date her partner, and good for you your partner gives you money, hers doesn’t.

it’s not room mates, is your definition of romance access to cash? It seems so or you’d not make that comment.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/10/2023 19:57

OP, maybe I'm way off the mark but I think deep down you know this relationship is not what it should be. But perhaps because you have this relative's care to pay for, you can't even think about striking out on your own at this point, because then it really would be unaffordable.

dortisa · 07/10/2023 20:00

Oh it’s mean. We both earn about 30k and DP nearly DH is constantly spending his disposable income on stuff for me that I don’t need but have mentioned I like. I couldn’t be with a mean person!! It doesn’t matter that you’re not married, I certainly wouldn’t marry him if I were you….

duchiebun · 07/10/2023 20:02

Do you split bills 50/50?

OhcantthInkofaname · 07/10/2023 20:03

That mortgage he pays increases his equity ie savings/assets. So you are contributing equally to the household. Secondly, he shouldn't help you pay your debt because YOU CHOOSE to send a portion of your income to someone else.

erlangshen · 07/10/2023 20:03

Janieforever · 07/10/2023 19:51

Well honestly, I don’t get posts like this. She’s not asking you to date her partner, and good for you your partner gives you money, hers doesn’t.

it’s not room mates, is your definition of romance access to cash? It seems so or you’d not make that comment.

Show quote history

OP has aksed for opinions from people but I didnt ask your opinion! How is your comment any help to the OP? My DH doesnt "give" me cash, we are happily married for a long time and financially everything is ours there is no his or mine.

duchiebun · 07/10/2023 20:03

Well to be open £160k doesn't strike me as especially high so as long as this bit is true "We are in a happy relationship" I'm not seeing an issue!

Classic MNs answer! 😆

Uggtrending · 07/10/2023 20:10

@Janieforever how unkind are you. OP doesn't have to increase her income to match her partners. How old are you OP? I'm sorry but speaking from first hand experience I would be very wary of a man who is tight AF (also hope your contraception is watertight too)