High earner/low earner relationships

[CandleLight11]

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

I think you need to reframe how you are looking at this, OP.

You are asking yourself " is it normal that when two people are in a life-long partnership, one of them will let the other struggle financially while having a great old time themselves?"

The answer to that from me is no it isn't normal and no he doesn't think he is in a life-long partnership. he doesn't think he is in a partnership at all. You'll get other answers from other people.

But ask yourself do you like this quality in him? Do you like that he sees you struggle and still lets you contribute more or less 50/50 to the common pot while earning 5 times what you earn? Is he someone whose values you admire.

£160k is clearly a lot higher than £30k. But we’ve now established the really crucial point which is that it’s less than you earn 🙄

Only on fucking Mumsnet.

The average uk wage is 30k, of course 160k is a high earner. Top 1%. 🙄

I think you mean you wouldn't pay off a boyfriend's debt. I wouldn't either. But surely a partner means something more? Like ... partnership? Made a commitment? In it together? Op seems to think she is in a life partnership. I suspect he thinks he lives with his girlfriend.

I wouldn’t stay with someone mean. Tbh I wouldn’t stay with someone who couldn’t pay off their debts in six years either though. Neither would be compatible with me in terms of attitude towards money. It’s a huge test of a relationship.

I don’t see it like that. I think she’s responsible for her debt and her relation that she’s paying for. I don’t see a partnership means he’s to pay her debt and pay for her relative.

i never quite get this grabby attitude, if you’re in a partnership it means you can put your hand out. It’s not for me.

The answer to your question is it’s NOT normal.

I was six years ago in the same situation as you, he earns 160k plus and I was on 32k. I had a 10k debt and after a year of being together he just paid it off, no questions nothing, just said I sent you 10k into your bank use it to pay off your debt. Getting married or having kids is completely up to you two in the future but if he is tight now with his money with you what happens if you did fall pregnant in the future and couldn’t earn as much, does he still expect you to pay your way? I understand you don’t want a hand out, but if you are questioning it now, it’s crossing your mind that this might not be normal. ESP if you guys have been together for 6 years, and are in mid 30s, married or not that’s long term commitments already.

Also agree with a lot of people on here about questioning his earns and still renting! When I met my partner he was already earning 160k plus and had a handful of properties, with the huge salary difference everything was a bit of a shock, and a lot of things he didn’t think was a problem was only a problem to me. He owned where he lived so when we moved in together I moved into his place, rent free, I paid for food only but even that was an issue, he would only eat organic or line caught fish or free range meat… basically the best of the best and I was well eating normal food, so we met in the middle, he topped up money towards food as I was spending up to £700 on just groceries a month which for me was a lot of money on just food. (6 years ago £700 a month on groceries was a lot of money, I know not it hardly buys anything )Travelling was another funny one- he travels business class and I did easy jet when we first met, when we first spoke about holiday I remember him saying let’s go to Greece, I was like yeh sure and I will pay my share… till I saw what hotels he was looking at, I was like I can’t afford that. So I paid £500 for that holiday as it was a “normal” amount of money for me to spend to go on holiday and he topped up the difference because he always stayed in 5*. I understand you don’t want hand outs but when it’s such a large difference in salary, it’s really hard to separate everything so equally. Six years down the line, we are now still not married but with a DD who is two, I stopped working during covid and he paid for us during that time as I’m people facing and was pregnant and high risk, and it was nice to just not worry about money or if he will “pay”. I was literally at hospital by myself on the phone to him as he wasn’t allowed in during covid times and I was bleeding, doctors said baby was safe but xyz issues causing the bleeding and he just said call work, quit for the time being, don’t worry about work, and I knew I can count on him.
even though my earnings is nothing compared to his, I’ve still gone back to work recently just for a bit of independence, I took 20months off just because I can and had the option. He’s never asked for me to go back to work, and has always just given me an allowance but I think it’s healthy for me to just go back part time.

I’ve also read that you spend a lot of your salary looking after a relative, which I think it’s lovely for you to do that. And it shows you have a kind heart, a good soul and it does mean you don’t have enough disposable income. If it’s a close enough relative to you, I do believe he should help too, six years together married or not he’s part of the family too.

My ex earned a lot less than me. no reason why this should make a difference and I pooled everything. he chose in practice not to work and after the kids were at school became a stay at home dad- though leaving me to do most of the cleaning and cooking as well as carrying the mental load.

Eventually he left for a younger model. Entitled of course after years of doing nothing of taking half the savings and half of my pension, which believe me I had worked had for,

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I would worn younger women in an unequal relationship to protect themselves. My ex had a great life, minimal effort and maximum return. I worked hard and would in practice have been so much better on my own. But then I loved him..

Heard of interest?

I appreciate interest has been 0-1% for a few years but prior to that when you lent people money at no interest and if they paid you back, you lost out.

My feelings exactly, I wouldn't be rushing to partner up with either of them personally.
Also as a PP pointed out after paying stuff off OP has more than a grand spare. £500 of that is 5K paid off in a year!

If you think of it another way what would she be doing without him? She'd have to pay her own rent AND essentials. nobody to buy her takeout.

Whether he's mean or not isn't the question. It doesn't look like he's forcing her to contribute to his lifestyle but she's made her choice based on him contributing to hers.

Hmmm... tricky one. He's your partner, not your husband, and you don't share children, so I don't think that there's really any reason why he should be giving you money. Presumably, if you were single then you would be even worse off paying rent and bills.

The fact that he hasn't asked you to marry him may mean that he doesn't want to be financially tied to you. To be brutally honest, I also wouldn't want to be financially tied to someone who earned less than quarter of my salary.

DH earned 12x my income when we got married and we pooled all our money as soon as we got married (only lived together once we were married). Before that we had more separate finances but we had different households so it made more sense. He has always paid when we go out together though, from our first date until now. We never discuss contributing to the household finances according to salary, or one of us paying one bills, it just seems too much hassle to work it out and it just seems easier to have it as one pot (though we have some accounts that are separate but view it as shared). It would be really strange to not have enough money to pay for groceries while DH had plenty of income. I wasn't in debt when we got married but any expenses I've needed to pay for myself come out of the household account, there's no expectation that I should cover them specifically from my own income. I think pooling incomes makes more sense than a proportional split when the income disparity is so high, because one person will be left with so much more even after paying the majority of bills.

@PikachuChickenRice Yes, it is all very peculiar and I’m not happy with the set up hence me asking for opinions because I don’t want to leave the partner I love, but it is also causing resentment. So wondering what other people think, all opinions and advice is welcome and many so far have echo’d my own feelings.
But, what do you mean where you’ve said ‘the sick relative isn’t actually sick’?

@PikachuChickenRice What do you mean ‘This isn't even me imagining it all real life scenarios that have occurred' ?

@Thanksforreading Thanks for giving so much detail in your story about you and your partner, I can relate so much to many parts and seems you understand my situation and the 'events' that unfold being in this kind of set-up.
Yes, I would rather buy Groceries than Deliveroo, but because he thinks nothing of the cost, if it's dinner time and we're hungry, he'll just order.
I really hope we can come out the other side and have more of the nicer parts of your story. He is a nice partner overall, it's just this money thing I can't get my head around.

Have you sat down and discussed it all with him?

My concern would be if you had a baby, that he'd still expect you to contribute 50% to the household when you're not earning or have taken a significant drop in earnings.

It just doesn't seem like he values you at all and that is not a good thing when wanting to stay with someone long-term.

Those were just examples of why being against caring for a sick relative is justified. Rather than just immediately assuming they lack compassion. I'm from a foreign country so have encountered all of these scenarios. 'Not really sick' is exactly that. A relative claims to need money for lifesaving operation/care, but when you eventually go back home you find out that it's not true.

That aside the relevant thing here is , if you are true 'life partners' then decisions made should be jointly - at least, the big ones. The waters here are muddied by him earning so much more that he can absorb the consequence of any decision made 'solo' by you (unless you decide to buy a Jeff Bezos yacht) but morally that doesn't mean he should have no say at all. If you didn't involve him in the decisions that led to getting into debt, and/or deciding to pay for relative you can't really expect him to bail you out now, although if he cares about you he should.

The issue here is we don't know 'why' he's acting like this. I don't know what the meaning of 'he seems to let me carry on this way' he must have said SOMETHING. Maybe he thinks you're profligate and doesn't agree with your spending decisions - even if they are legitimate. Which means you guys have different values, doesn't bode well. Maybe he doesn't trust you, maybe he has a blind spot around money. Maybe he thinks you're just coasting and could earn more but just don't want to so he doesn't want to subsidise you. We don't know. I'm giving all the negative scenarios because the 'positive' one where it's him is simple - only one - he's stingy & selfish and that's all there is to it.

After 6 years with you in your mid-thirties you should be moving towards something permanent. A house together for example. Have you had no conversations about this?

The other thing to consider is, as resentful as you are with him 'watching you struggle' you'll be even worse off if you break up. Even a flat share in a cheap area costs about £600 that's about the same as you're currently paying and on top of that you have to buy food, service your debt , pay for your relative.

What would you have done if you didn't have such a high earning partner? And if we've established that he's being unfair - then what? Are you going to leave him? Talk him around? Explore why he's being this way?

When we were in a similar but reversed position we had a joint account for rent and bills etc and put in jointly but proportionately. I paid for holidays and treats eg meals out.
Is your debt pre DP? i wouldn't expect him to pay that off - i also wouldn't have wanted my partner to go into debt to match my life style but i didn't want to miss out on things/reduce my life style to match his.
It can cause resentment both ways- i worked/work a lot more hours than my partner (his choice) and sometimes you resent them getting the benefit of your money and still having the spare time. i also know people who manage to do worthwhile/lowly paid jobs (and are holier than thou about it) - when they are not actually sacrificing anything lifestyle wise

I’m sorry to say this @CandleLight11 but he doesn’t see you as his life partner. He sees you as someone who is good enough for now, like a flatmate he has sex with.

If he was committed to you he would ensure that your lifestyle was more similar, help you out of debt, share your living costs fairly. Most people who earn £160,000 ( especially in the north ) buy and don’t rent .

So stop listening to his words and look at his actions.

You are wasting your time here if you want marriage and children . Although I note you say there are problems and of course not everyone wants this.

My husband has always earned double what I have and at times I've had debt and he hasn't (before marriage) but he did cover more of the bills. I didn't expect him to buy me stuff or pay my way, but now we're married it's equal. I sort of feel like that's how it works. If you're earning £30k a year and have half a household of bills then that's not too bad, if you were single you'd have to budget and until you're married or in a more firm legal agreement then I think it reasonable that both of you protect your financial independence.

It just doesn't sound like they are proper partners. More like boyfriend and girlfriend who flat share.

Which is exactly my point.

You are completely right about what a life partner is, or should be.

Think you need to be looking at your money £30k and your struggling to pay £750 a month your share for food rent and bills. Your helping a family member and already have £5k in debt. Not sure why would want to be contributing more to someone who can't even think of me to have food in the house. Can you get a part time job to help with paying of the debt DP or for the family member.

I think you have good set up and surely you could buy enough food for around £10 per day (£300) per month? This plus the utilities leaves a lot of your salary left over.

I simply disagree with this and think it’s horrible to post something like this.

the op has 1250 pounds a month left to spend as she chooses. That’s her disposable income. A huge amount more than other people.

I do not agree her partner should pay for her relative or debt or he isn’t a partner, and if the genders were reversed the responses would be very different , that he’s a cocklodger wanting to live for free, ltb.

as much as her choices maybe hard ones, that’s how she chooses to spend her money, proclaiming he’s not a life partner if he won’t pay her share totally or for her relative is appalling

Is your debt on the lowest interest you can get, why do you have to pay for the relative, is it to protect a property from being sold? Wouldn’t it be better to be saving for your future and not help the relative?
If you and your boyfriend split up how will you support yourself, where will you live? I doubt that he will marry you as it sounds as if he’s not into joint finances so you need a plan.