High earner/low earner relationships

[CandleLight11]

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

I think over high/low earning relationships, costs are best split in terms of percentages of earnings so I'd expect to pay around 20% towards the bills in your position. My wondering is maybe he doesn't agree (unfairly) with the support you're giving to another family member when you've debts to cover although I would see it over disposable income he has that he's being really tight. 130K a year is a LOT of money. Maybe not on Mumsnet lol but generally. Personally, I think I might lose respect for someone earning so much but doesn't really care about helping people less fortunate, especially a partner over recognising their equal hard work. It just suggests a lack of giving nature and used to money over their hard work when many people work hard and will never reap the same rewards.

So your take home pay is approx 2000 a month, your living expenses are about 750 a month, you must be sending a lot to the relative. Is that really sustainable, sending half your salary to someone else?

So he earns over 5x what you earn. 500%. But he pays only 30% more than you for basic costs, to the point where you struggle. Yes that's not right, or fair, if you are actually life partners

This OP.
Certainly he shouldn't be letting you struggle but is the struggle of your own making?
How did you come to incur the debt? Did you have issues with spending in the past?

You make around 15% of your total combined gross earnings. So shouldn't be putting much more than this into bills

Also to add idk about the life partners thing, I mean life partners should share everything but they should also make joint decisions. DH wouldn't have a 'non-negotiable relative expense'.

What did he actually say when you asked him for debt help. Did he just say 'no' outright? Or scold you? Or offer to help but then not actually do anything about it?

Why would you have to work at all. If your man is making 5 times more wouldn't it be more productive to stay at home and have kids.

I have a similar situation but why would I want my wife to spend all her time to increase the household income by 15-20%, it doesn't make any sense.

However if he is insisting that you have to work to feel equal. My advice is to run as fast as you can!

I hope I can be a little bit of use as I had the reverse situation. I earn nowhere near as much as your partner but I have always been v good with money whereas my now husband earns less and isn’t so good. He also set up his own business so was getting by on v little when we met nearly nine years ago. I knew it was the real deal so paid off his debts. He is the best man I’ve ever known - a great partner and a brilliant dad - and I consider myself very lucky to be married to him.

I think when you have been together as long as you have, you should be sharing funds and splitting bills according to earnings.

Do you think this relationship has a future? Does he?

Agree with this.

That is a very significant gap and I can see it could cause a problem. I earn a third of what my partner earns, although it’s probably half after tax. It used to be the opposite way round and I think that makes it easier for us.

I want to be in control of my money and how I spend it, but that means I can’t spend as much as him. We split bills according to income, and he does treat me to nice meals out etc.

You need to work out between you how to deal with the money issue so it doesn’t wreck an otherwise good relationship. There is no right answer, just what works in your circumstances.

OP if you’re earning 30k, you’re taking home about 2k a month. Minus £750 for bills and food, you should have £1250 left.

If you’re choosing to give a significant amount of your disposable income to a family member, I don’t see why he should indirectly fund that.

Also, what are the debts from? If it predates your relationship or is from something like bailing out a relative, that’s also not his responsibility.

This. And also on her debt. The op has plenty of disposable income , it’s not her job to pay for her relative or pay her debt.

It sounds like you are a kind person.

Your boyfriend does not sound kind. If he is such a high earner, why is he letting you pay equal bills to his rental payment when you're clearly struggling financially?

Why does he not care about your sick relative and say, "oh it's ok CandleLight11, I take home £13,333 PER MONTH, (£7923 AFTER TAX), I'll cover the rent and bills seeing as you're covering your X's care bills and still paying off your debt, actually CandleLight11, it's not fair that you're struggling so much each month when I've got so much disposable income that I actually have no idea what to do with, so let me pay off that tiny (to me) £5K of debt for you."

Your partner does not respect you.

I've paid off debt for people who were earning less than me at the time and they weren't even my partner. It's not nice to see people you love struggling. If you can afford it, then bloody help them. Who on earth would let the person they supposedly love struggle every month financially when they earn enough that they could buy a house outright with one year's of savings FFS?

It's not about pride, it's not about gold-digging, it's not about feminism, it's about loving someone and helping them when they're in need. I see no reason from the limited information shared as to why your finances are not more fairly divided. Unless you spend any spare income you have on crap, then I think he's being unfair.

I earn 3 x more than my DH, I have always earned more - I would never see him struggle when dating and as soon as we lived together we pooled money - we have one account for all the bills/ kids costs/ hobbies etc and joint savings accounts. We have been together 21 years - and are a team! So everything is equal.

It really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship if you can't tell him you're struggling. When it was noticed that there was less food in the house did he not say he'll give money for groceries?
Imagine you fall pregnant with this man...how will you cope if you're on maternity leave at a lower salary and he doesn't step up?

I think it’s mad that you are struggling and are on debt on £30k a year, even though you’re only paying half of the bills.

I’m a single parent and get less than you and pay 100% of the bills.

My initial thought was that he’s selfish because the person who earns more should pay more but it sounds like you’re really bad with money and so I understand his reluctance to do this.

I get that you've made your post based on limited information. But I can think of so many reasons why OP's partner doesn't agree with the care bill.
There are others who can and should pay but OP has taken on the bill instead.
The OP doesn't 'need' to pay but has chosen to do so example being a 'nicer' care facility instead of gov provided. The sick relative isn't actually sick and everyone around the OP thinks she's being taken advantage of except the OP. OP is funding some treatment that isn't going to work.
Etc.
This isn't even me imagining it all real life scenarios that have occurred. Even worse if people know she has a high earning partner and so all the burden is dumped onto her.

There's also the question of HOW OP incurred that much debt and whether she's been in debt before.

But the whole setup sounds very strange. OP can't afford to buy food so they run out. And then they get takeout instead - which he happily pays for? Why can he not just buy the food? Who made this rule that food = OP and takeout = DP? If you get takeout often enough it becomes like your normal groceries so really that is him paying for the food by other means.

He isn't saying 'OK OP you starve and watch me eat.' He isn't questioning the running out either?

And even more strange... someone with such a large income.. mid-thirties (well the OP - partner a similar age) is still renting and has made no move towards buying a property!

OP's in this limbo of 'not sure whether we'll marry or have kids but will be together forever' like a lovestruck teenager.

I can't make sense of any of this. It's extremely peculiar.

This

I wouldn't be able to live knowing my partner was struggling financially while I lived high on the hog.

But if he became your husband, then I think you'd really have to talk about getting your name on the mortgage and deeds and being in a true partnership.

You don't have any rights if you're not married really, especially regarding the house and pensions etc.

Is marriage on the cards, potentially?

If not, I don't think the relationship has a future. I'd be too unhappy with his blatant disregard for my poor finances, when he is in a position magic it all away.
Whatever happened to compassion?

This OP.
Really the bigger question - the future of you relationship.
But more importantly even if he did not see a future with you - you're trapped. If you're struggling now with just £750 a month to pay for out of a 2K income how is it going to be better when you're on your own?

Even after full information he turns out to be a selfish cad what are you going to do about it? You're not likely to get much benefits as a single person on 30K anyway never mind the fact that a large chunk of your disposable income is going to debt and this relative not essentials.
You need to go to StepChange, work out a DMP, do SOMETHING to manage your finances indepdently. For YOUR own sake.

I was in a reverse situation of this, so renting with a partner and I earned a lot more. First thing I did was pay off his credit cards. However, this is because we wanted to get a mortgage together and I wanted to erase the debt. We are now married with 2 kids and share everything, totally agree with PP that if you see a proper future with someone you would start to share some of the wealth but if not you’d be a bit selfish and keep it all separate. Which is it?

OP, you can't expect him to pay off his debt for you? I know if I were in a similar position, I wouldn't pay off my partner's debt (assuming it was a debt they'd incurred before they met me) and there's no way I'd expect him to pay off any of my debts. If I was with a partner who expected me to pay their debts, I'd wonder if that was the only reason they were with me.

He mean.

He's tighter than a duck's arse. Some people just hate spending money. Do you know how much is in his bank accounts/investment accounts etc.? He's probably sat on an absolute shit tonne of cash but he doesn't mind seeing you struggle. He must really value your relationship and you personally.