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Original poster

To still let 4.5 year old have dummy

178 replies

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 03:56

4.5 year old ds still has his dummies at night. He would have them all day if we let him. He loves them and they bring him great comfort. I know that ideally I should take them off him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

I also have a 3 month old baby and ds is really struggling with the adjustment. He’s lashing out a bit and nursery have even mentioned that he’s seeking a lot of 1-1 attention and comfort.

I just don’t know if this is the right time to take away something that gives him huge comfort when he’s already struggling.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on what you would do in this situation?

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 07/10/2023 04:03

Obviously it won't be good for his speech or teeth development BUT now is not necessarily the right time with a new baby. Ideally before the baby arrived but as he still has the dummies and is showing he needs comfort...I'd leave it a few months.

Has he just started school as well?

RowenaEllis · 07/10/2023 04:04

You should have removed them long before the baby was born but it's too late now. I wouldn't remove them while he's adjusting but they have to go and soon. They will affect his teeth and jaw development. I've seen kids with teeth that have grown with a round gap in the middle from dummy use, it's awful

Original poster
inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:05

@PragmaticWench We are in Scotland so he doesn't start school until next year.

OP posts:
Pantsinthewash · 07/10/2023 04:10

Sounds like it's something he needs at the moment. My son was an August birthday and started Reception aged 4 years and three weeks. He would come home from school, and grab his dummy and Teddy still wearing his school uniform! He gave up his habit when he was ready, not long after. He's 27 now!

MaryShelley1818 · 07/10/2023 04:14

With no special needs that's honestly so awful you've allowed this to happen. You're affecting your child's teeth and oral development. The whole jaw and mouth shape. It's neglectful.

Just stop talking to him about it, and parent your child and remove them. I know nobody wants to see their child upset but somethings are and should be non negotiable when it comes to your child's health and wellbeing. There are other ways to offer security and comfort.

MaryShelley1818 · 07/10/2023 04:16

RowenaEllis · 07/10/2023 04:04

You should have removed them long before the baby was born but it's too late now. I wouldn't remove them while he's adjusting but they have to go and soon. They will affect his teeth and jaw development. I've seen kids with teeth that have grown with a round gap in the middle from dummy use, it's awful

Exactly this, I've worked with children who are physically unable to close their mouth properly due to the jaw growth. Its really upsetting.

Chocolatepopcorn · 07/10/2023 04:18

I suggest waiting til after Christmas but make sure you prepare him. If he has more than one, throw out a few first, til you're left with one. When you throw out the final one, don't go on about being a big boy because if he's struggling with a new baby, he won't like that. Bring him to the shops and buy him a nice new teddy to replace it with. It could even be a special present from the baby. You might have a rough few nights initially but just stick with it. He won't like it but he'll get over it eventually.

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 04:24

Sadly you will have to ride this one out and think of your son’s future rather than your own convenience.

Original poster
inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:26

@Mariposista It's not about my own convenience. It's about me not wanting to emotionally damage my son by taking away something that gives him comfort.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 07/10/2023 04:30

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:26

@Mariposista It's not about my own convenience. It's about me not wanting to emotionally damage my son by taking away something that gives him comfort.

It is easier on you, he needs to stop

VioletPickles · 07/10/2023 04:31

Could you say we have to give the dummies up now as they are for babies? Or use school as a cut cut off perhaps? Difficult for you op, but important to be firm due to development. Surely there must be something elder that could give him comfort?

CeeChynaa · 07/10/2023 04:31

I mean this nicely but why haven’t you nipped this in the bud long before the new baby came along?

I can’t see how taking the dummy off of him during this new period will be doing him any favours but at the same time, a 4.5 year old does not need a dummy unless there’s a disability involved.

My 18 month old is severely disabled and I’ve chucked all his dummies in the bin! As a pp has said, there’s other ways for DS to find comfort. I’m sure you’ve done your research on how damaging bottles and dummies are on a child’s teeth long term so I’m not sure why you’ve allowed this to happen. Speak to him about removing the dummy in due time and just do it. Saying he doesn’t want any new toys etc isn’t a good enough reason, just take it as it’s way overdue

MrsJamin · 07/10/2023 04:33

You should have made this decision years ago. You must stop him using them.

Original poster
inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:38

@WandaWonder yes of course it's easier for me but that's not the reason I'm still letting him have them.

Thanks @Chocolatepopcorn I've ordered a book about giving up the dummy so I will read that to him in preparation of finally taking the dummies away.

Ds was diagnosed with epilepsy at 9 months old and we really struggled with how his medication affected him. He's been off the medication for about a year now but it definitely affected his development to the point that nursery are suggesting we defer him from starting school for another year.

All that to say that we had a lot going on in the first few years of ds's life and then add in a difficult pregnancy and now a newborn, there just never seemed like a good time to take the dummies away.

OP posts:
Tiredeimz · 07/10/2023 04:38

I think people are being a bit extreme here using the term neglectful. I had a dummy until I was 5 and was actually the only one in my family who didn’t need braces as I had the most straight teeth and have no jaw issues. If they were so harmful the way above posters have mentioned they would be more heavily frowned upon and that definitely isn’t the case. Yes in a perfect world it maybe would have been ideal for the dummy to be gone before baby came but that’s not always how things work. I would definitely let him keep it for a few more months anyway during this time of transition with a new baby. It’s hard enough with a new baby and small child you don’t need extra stress and neither does he x

Original poster
inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:49

Thank you @Tiredeimz I think some people just enjoy catastrophising and mum shaming.

I know that it's not ideal for ds to have his dummy which is why I'm posting for advice and I'm sure in extreme cases where children have a dummy in their mouth 24/7 it can cause big problems like some people on here have suggested.

I have taken ds to the dentist and she has said to make sure the dummy is gone before his big teeth start to come in and that's what I'm planning to do.

OP posts:
CeeChynaa · 07/10/2023 04:50

Tiredeimz · 07/10/2023 04:38

I think people are being a bit extreme here using the term neglectful. I had a dummy until I was 5 and was actually the only one in my family who didn’t need braces as I had the most straight teeth and have no jaw issues. If they were so harmful the way above posters have mentioned they would be more heavily frowned upon and that definitely isn’t the case. Yes in a perfect world it maybe would have been ideal for the dummy to be gone before baby came but that’s not always how things work. I would definitely let him keep it for a few more months anyway during this time of transition with a new baby. It’s hard enough with a new baby and small child you don’t need extra stress and neither does he x

Saying X happened to me and I turned out okay doesn’t change the scientific (or is it medical) guidance and research on dummies and the impact it has on children the longer they’re used.

Dummies are heavily frowned upon for this exact reason but social services aren’t exactly going to police dummy use now are they? Guidance is there for a reason. Parents choose whether or not they want to listen to it

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/10/2023 04:50

I would hold off until Christmas and say Santa has taken his dummy away as he's now a big boy and you can put it in a little gift pouch that hangs from the tree. Or give it to Elf if you do elf on the shelf to give to Santa Christmas Eve!

Either way, good luck!

To still let 4.5 year old have dummy
To still let 4.5 year old have dummy
CeeChynaa · 07/10/2023 04:54

Anyway OP, I think the post above regarding getting rid of it at Christmas is a good idea. I wouldn’t do the ‘the dummy has to go as the new baby needs it now’ as DS would probably dislike the baby quite strongly after that. Using Christmas and Santa should work if you celebrate Christmas.

Again, take the dummy and just stick with it

Original poster
inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:58

Thanks @justanothermanicmonday1 but I think that would just make him hate Santa Grin Ds isn't really one for bribery as he loves his dummies more than any toy i could buy him!

I do appreciate that the dummies need to go but I want to be sensitive to what he's going through at the moment with the new baby etc.

I think I will wait until just after Christmas and then just take the dummies off him cold Turkey. In the meantime I'll try to plant the seed by talking to him about it and reading some books to him.

OP posts:
babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 07/10/2023 05:03

He’s far too old for a dummy and it will be having a negative impact on his teeth. As a parent sometimes we have to do things that are difficult but in the best interest of the child. Removing the dummy is one of those things.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/10/2023 05:03

Yeah it sounds like no matter what you do or say he won't be happy so best just taking it off him and going cold turkey and just try and calm him when he cries for it!

I know it will be extremely tough but just stick to your guns and he'll soon get used to it.

Original poster
inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 05:09

@justanothermanicmonday1 Yes, he can be very stubborn and set in his ways and doesn't like change at all. I recently talked to him about giving some of his old toys away to make room for some new toys from Santa. He said he didn't want Santa to come and he would just keep his old toys!

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/10/2023 05:11

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 05:09

@justanothermanicmonday1 Yes, he can be very stubborn and set in his ways and doesn't like change at all. I recently talked to him about giving some of his old toys away to make room for some new toys from Santa. He said he didn't want Santa to come and he would just keep his old toys!

Bless him 😂 he knows what he wants lol.

Cincills · 07/10/2023 05:11

Choose another comfort object now like a teddy or whatever, a blankie, and introduce that into his night time routine along with the dummy, so it gets associated.

Where in the bedtime routine does he get the dummy? You could try delaying the getting of the dummy in the bedtime routine, so if he gets it while he has a story then say “oh not sure where It is. Let’s read another story “ and you could do a kind of phased withdrawal of it.

I think there’s never going to be a good time to get rid of it. He and you are always going to have a difficult time of it, but if you do go cold turkey it should be over in a week.

ive heard of success stories where the family went on holiday and “forgot” the dummy.