To still let 4.5 year old have dummy

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4.5 year old ds still has his dummies at night. He would have them all day if we let him. He loves them and they bring him great comfort. I know that ideally I should take them off him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

I also have a 3 month old baby and ds is really struggling with the adjustment. He’s lashing out a bit and nursery have even mentioned that he’s seeking a lot of 1-1 attention and comfort.

I just don’t know if this is the right time to take away something that gives him huge comfort when he’s already struggling.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on what you would do in this situation?

Fair enough. Maybe you could start weaning your youngest son off his dummy at 5-6 months old so your eldest doesn't feel like he's missing out. I'd say over 1 and especially over 2 is too old to use a dummy. He'll be 5 years old and starting school in 6 months or so. Dummy definitely needs to go by then!

For those criticising dummy use generally, to give another perspective, dummies have been shown in studies to reduce the risk of cot death, and using one was recommended to us by medical staff in a neo-natal unit.

OP, sounds like delaying a short while is not going to cause any major problems, while your son settles more with the new baby. Then, perhaps reading several of those books about “no more dummies” together, and try to find a good time to do it when you can give him lots of reassurance for going to sleep/if he wakes in the night etc. Good luck.

Yes baby has a dummy as I like to follow all the sids guidelines. Ds has already tried the baby's dummy and thankfully it's too small for him 😅

I don't want to add to the pile on OP, I know it is hard. My DC never used dummies but my DD sucked her thumb until she was 6. One of my biggest regrets is not tackling it more harshly. Like your son it was only ever at night because she only thumb sucked when she had one particular comfort toy wrapped around the hand with the sucking thumb! The dentist told me when she was 4 she needed to stop and we did all sorts of 'gentle' things which didn't help. He suggested a mouth guard or taping her thumb at night and we felt it was cruel and couldn't face the distress it would cause her. Well, we should have done it. At 6, the dentist was really severe with me and we went cold turkey. We had to paint nasty tasting nail polish on the thumb and she still sucked and I ended up sitting with her for hours on end at night holding the sucking thumb until she fell asleep so she couldn't do it. We eventually broke the habit. She has a high palate and narrow bite and basically even braces won't fix that. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to learn from me! Distress now when he's 4 is better than distress later when it's time for painful orthodontic work.

i recently had another baby. I am really getting fed up of this current trend on MN which is trying to make mothers of more than one child feel (and let’s be honest, exacerbate) guilty for having a baby.

In some cases, posters are trying to be helpful and I recognise that but I have to say I don’t. I read some comments yesterday I found really upsetting, even though that wasn’t the intent. But that above ^^ is just nasty and hardly helpful.

Massive apologies @captncrunch - I obviously did not mean your post!

@berksandbeyond We've always wanted another child but we decided to delay ttc due to ds's health issues so we could focus on him 100%. Hence the 4 year age gap. No he's not still in nappies although he was about 3.5 before he was fully potty trained if you want to shame me for that too.

Mine is 3 in December and isn’t potty trained either @berksandbeyond he just isn’t interested. I’m really hoping it will slot into place soon!

@captncrunch Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective and I agree that the dummy has to go now.

This isn’t particularly helpful to the OP, but it’s this level of dependence and obsession that I was worried about, so I didn’t use dummies beyond week 12. They were useful for settling during the screamy colicky days and then bang, gone.

I think you’re going to have to be tough, although the timing is pretty dire, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that. 😬

I had a dummy until I was 5. No problems with my speech and never needed braces, so obviously didn't affect my jaw or mouth development.

It’s Saturday morning. What is so wrong in your life that you feel this is fun and fulfilling thing to write to someone?

It rather suggests you have feelings of inadequacy in your own life and attempt to meter that by posting superior bollocks on Mumsnet.

It’s not ‘perfect parenting’ to follow guidance and ensure that a child who is 4.5 no longer has a dummy. I hate all these ‘oh ignore the comments OP, some people are just perfect parents’ like no. Some people just do what’s needed at the right time. There’s nothing wrong with that

I say it kindly but a fix of heroin gives an addict great comfort. It's still not good for them.

It's really hard but it's about more than just making sure your boy never has any upset feelings. It's helping him to face them, where appropriate, helping him go bear them so he can develop.

Obviously if he were 18 months or 24 it wouldn't yet be necessary or appropriate.

But he is 4.5 years old now. And it's damaging to his physical development and will hold back his emotional development if you don't help him learn to say goodbye to things and move on.

I know you've got a baby and you probably feel flooded with all sorts of feelings about having impacted your eldests life - and of course it does have an impact. He is no longer the only child in your mind.

That's painful but it's also true that coming to terms with that and the loss of his babyhood dummy - with your love and support- will help him develop into a little boy whose ready to go out into the world a little bit and make the most of school.

Good luck OP. Ignore the horrible comments. As someone who works with disadvantaged children for a living, it really pisses me off to see terms like 'neglectful' being aimed at mums like you. Parenting isn't easy and we can't get everything perfectly right every time. There will be mums who ditched the dummy at 2 but do some other thing imperfectly that you get right. You obviously care about your son and that's why you have found it such a hard habit to break.

Double check with them that you can defer. I thought the 1873 Education Act was fairly set in stone, that children need to be in school by the August after they turn 5. You might be better pushing for a special school for him.

Another way to deal with the dummy is to keep cutting bits of it to he ends up with nothing to suck.

And someone's great Aunt Betty smoked 50 a day until she was 95 and was perfecly healthy until she died in her sleep of old age. It doesn't mean other people don't get lung cancer from smoking. You wouldn't use Betty as a reason to carry on smoking so it shouldn't be used in this case. It's a risk that jaw/ teeth damage might happen and people should be aware and take the steps to prevent it. They might be one of the lucky ones like you. But they might not. I am not trying to shame anyone. Just make them aware of the risks. Then they can be informed and decide what to do for the best for their situation. In some situations it might be worth the risk. And that is fine and up to the parent to decide.

I rather think she’s being told to ignore the comments from those saying “why did you have another baby? Why does he have a dummy? I bet he’s still in nappies,” as none of them offer any of the advice the OP asked for.

She’s here for help, she didn’t post to be publicly roasted. Although that’s pretty much all Mumsnet is good for these days.

I agree a child shouldn’t have a dummy after a certain point and giving the OP advice on how to best manage this is helpful and conducive. What isn’t is laying into her for having given him the dummy in the first place, or telling her she was wrong to have another baby.

I’ve been on the thread since the beginning and most of the comments were made before the poster came along mentioning the new baby and asking whether DS is still in nappies. So I doubt that’s the case

She says she has a 3 month old in her opening post.

Scotland has the right to defer if your child is 4 when the school term begins so right back til August.

OP hindsight is a wonderful thing and the dummy should be gone but it isn't, so don't waste an ounce more of energy thinking about that.

Thinking forward is the important thing. Personally I don't think it will be as bad as you think. I would lose all the dummies gradually till there was only one.

Then whittle away at the time he has it. Sort of "dummy time now"
" now let's put the dummy away"

Keep Christmas in mind. My son said he didn't want the dummy to go but when actually presented with a shiny new scooter ( he was 3 ) it was a different matter.

It will be fine OP.

@Sugarfree23 I'll definitely double check but the meeting I had was with his nursery teacher, the educational psychologist and the assistant head of the primary school (his nursery is attached) so I think they probably know what they're talking about.