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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still let 4.5 year old have dummy

178 replies

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 03:56

4.5 year old ds still has his dummies at night. He would have them all day if we let him. He loves them and they bring him great comfort. I know that ideally I should take them off him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

I also have a 3 month old baby and ds is really struggling with the adjustment. He’s lashing out a bit and nursery have even mentioned that he’s seeking a lot of 1-1 attention and comfort.

I just don’t know if this is the right time to take away something that gives him huge comfort when he’s already struggling.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on what you would do in this situation?

OP posts:
Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 17:59

LemonPeonies · 07/10/2023 16:06

Don't mean to sound rude but my ds had terrible reflux, needed constant breastfeeding and general attention which I gave. Even my parents once said to just give him a dummy, but I never did because I knew it would be a nightmare to give up. Some parents just use them to shut their baby up and I honestly think they're never needed. If your baby needs comfort, cuddle them etc.

there are actually lots of benefits to dummies.

Jeelypieces20storeys · 07/10/2023 18:06

My 6 year old (admittedly with significant additional needs) still has a dummy, so no mum-shaming from me. How often does your son have it? My son gets his to walk up stairs with at night, to him, it's a cue that now it's "bedtime" and settles him mentally for bed. He has it 5 mins max, and we are on the last dummy - am aiming for it to be gone for Xmas. Can you reduce the amount of time your DS has it rather than take it away completely right now?

Jeelypieces20storeys · 07/10/2023 18:08

To the pp, agree that there are lots of benefits to dummies. My DS was given his in the NICU to encourage sucking in preparation for bottle feeding.

Maray1967 · 07/10/2023 18:15

MaryShelley1818 · 07/10/2023 04:14

With no special needs that's honestly so awful you've allowed this to happen. You're affecting your child's teeth and oral development. The whole jaw and mouth shape. It's neglectful.

Just stop talking to him about it, and parent your child and remove them. I know nobody wants to see their child upset but somethings are and should be non negotiable when it comes to your child's health and wellbeing. There are other ways to offer security and comfort.

Nonsense. Mine had a dummy at night at that age. I got guilt tripped by the school nurse and we did get rid of them - it was ok. However, our dentist is very clear that the shark tooth and other misalignment he has is nothing to go with dummy use. And - his older brother was a thumb sucker - what could I have done about that?

OP, do not do this while he’s adjusting to a new baby- I would not have done if we had been in that situation. Leave it for now. Maybe try next summer.

JennyDreadful · 07/10/2023 18:33

My older son had his dummies at night until he was 6 with no adverse effects. Like you I knew I should have got rid of them but I didn't. At 6 he handed them over, we binned them and that was that. His teeth and speech are fine. He definitely had his dummies too long, but there were no terrible outcomes.

Padget · 07/10/2023 20:31

My eldest had a dummy (terrible reflux) but around 2 1/2 - 3 (with a new sibling) she started to bite through the teat. I realised at that point it was dangerous and a choke hazard; that she could bite the end off in the night and choke on it. That focused my mind that however bad the nights might be without it (she only had it for sleep time), safety came first. And it was barely a night or two before it was like she never had it. No matter the comfort she got from it, how could I ever put that above her physical safety?

She has a younger brother who sucks his thumb (never had a dummy, never even considered it). Not sure how to fix that one so easily!

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/10/2023 20:40

Further to the earlier message - my son gave up chewing his clothes in Year 2 or 3 of Primary school! He was about 7 or 8

Moomieboo · 07/10/2023 20:52

I've just managed to wean my 14 year old severly disabled child off his dummy. He functions 18-24 months.

I wish I had done it much sooner but he eat so it actually helped his oral skills.

He's the only one of my 3 children who have had a dummy, but he's horrendous ill and we've nearly lost him many times.

Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 20:53

Moomieboo · 07/10/2023 20:52

I've just managed to wean my 14 year old severly disabled child off his dummy. He functions 18-24 months.

I wish I had done it much sooner but he eat so it actually helped his oral skills.

He's the only one of my 3 children who have had a dummy, but he's horrendous ill and we've nearly lost him many times.

No one could blame you for that ❤️ I’m glad it helped him for so long

Florabeebaby · 07/10/2023 21:24

Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 17:59

there are actually lots of benefits to dummies.

Show quote history

Yes there are, my two premature babies were given dummies in NICU to assist with learning how to feed...and also it helped them breathe better. Both gave them up by 2, DD was easy, DS needed a bit more encouragement!

Ratfinkstinkypink · 07/10/2023 22:07

Dummies have their place. My little one had one to keep what little swallow he has going, he has been tube fed since birth, he will never eat food, never drink a drink but having a dummy has helped him with his swallow. He functions at less than a year old in almost all areas, can't even roll yet or sit unaided and I am slowly weaning him off as I realise it is a fine line between keeping what swallow he has and producing too much saliva which he also struggles with. He no longer has one most of the time and not at night because he has dystonia which can cause him to clamp his jaw which isn't safe with a teat in his mouth but there are times when a dummy helps calm and soothe him. I would try a chewy but he doesn't understand the concept of holding a toy so there is no way he would be able to put one in his mouth when he felt the need for comfort.

GrapesAreMyJam · 07/10/2023 23:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TortillaChipAddict · 07/10/2023 23:48

Oh gosh lots of people have given OP a hard time. OP it sounds like you’ve had a really hard start to parenting with your son’s health issues, and I’m guessing it was at its height during covid given his age? My daughter now 3 had a run of seizures during that time as well as being diagnosed with another life threatening condition requiring emergency hospital visits and I don’t think unless you’ve been through it you can understand the toll it takes on you - the combination of the isolation due to covid and the trauma of witnessing seizures. I still have flashbacks. (Thankfully my daughter is now doing much better) I know I felt powerless a lot of the time and a dummy felt like something I could do to give her comfort. To those who say babies shouldn’t be given them well I thought that too until I had two babies with then undiagnosed allergies that caused constant vomiting particularly when lying down, it was the only way I could stop the reflux and get any sleep. Also, I sucked my thumb until I was 9 - much harder to take that away and a lot older than 4.5! Good luck OP, it’s not easy but he won’t still have it when he’s 18!

TheLightProgramme · 07/10/2023 23:54

Dd was 4 a couple of months back, and i can't even imagine her sucking on a dummy! Shes at school etc. As a baby she sucked on a silky cloth, but she just dropped it around age 2. 4.5 is pretty old.

pastypirate · 08/10/2023 00:25

Plenty of sensible replies here. No one has been emotionally damaged by having a dummy removed.

Literally no one.

Meanwhile I have a child with health complications. We exist somewhere between me babying her because she's been so ill and her lack of emotional resilience for her age because she's been so ill. I bloody hate dummies but I do relate to the situation you have ended up in with the absolute best of intentions x

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2023 00:31

My younger two adored their dummies. Bribery, books, fairy - it was no to everything so we just said that next week there will be no dummies. I bagged them and dh took them to work and binned them (to avoid dc going through our bin). They were upset for a week and unsettled but got over it. Then I spent the next month taking dummies off them as they had stashed them all over the house and kept appearing with them and they went to work with dh too

Original poster
inkworks273 · 08/10/2023 06:10

@TortillaChipAddict Yes, we went into lockdown literally days after he was diagnosed with epilepsy. It was an awful time of isolation and being constantly on edge waiting for ds to have another seizure. Both the lockdown and the epilepsy delayed his development so he's delayed in quite a few areas. Logically I know the dummy has to go but I just feel so mean taking his comfort from him. Some people on this thread don't seem to have any empathy for that.

OP posts:
Unicorntearsofgin · 08/10/2023 07:51

Op just a thought but I’d go against the grain and remove it before Christmas as there are lots of distractions to take his mind off if.

I totally understand feeling mean but we make
lots of decisions that seem mean but are for their well-being. Think of vaccinations- little ones don’t understand why we are allowing them to get hurt but it’s for their own good.

Could you have some special mummy son big boy time and take him somewhere just the two of you as a dummy reward?

Wishing you luck.

shakeitoffsis · 08/10/2023 07:56

Get rid of them now

CatamaranViper · 08/10/2023 08:16

Fucking hell, this thread!

OP is asking for advice in removing said dummy and half the replies are telling her she needs to get rid or she should have done it by now. I suppose she should just hop in her time machine eh?

myhusbandwantsadog · 08/10/2023 10:30

I did the dummy fairy with my daughter but I don't know that I'd want to do that with your son as I'd be wary of him associating losing his comfort object with the new baby.
Perhaps you could help him transfer to a new comfort object that is better for his oral health. I read about people taking the child to build a bear and having the last dummy sewn into a bear which was an option I also considered before going with the dummy fairy. Do you think something like that would work for your son?
As an aside I really recommend the second baby book by Sarah ockwell smith as it's really sympathetic to the older child and very understanding.
Good luck xx

Original poster
inkworks273 · 09/10/2023 09:08

Just a little update. When ds fell asleep last night I took his dummy out of his mouth and put it out of his reach at the bottom of his bed. He stirred a few times searching for it but would then quickly fall back asleep without it. He managed to get to 4am before he woke up and found it…. He would normally have it in his mouth most of the night.

I know some people won’t agree with this approach but I’m going to continue to do it for a while so that he’s more used to not having it before we take it away altogether.

OP posts:
Ididivfama · 09/10/2023 09:17

inkworks273 · 09/10/2023 09:08

Just a little update. When ds fell asleep last night I took his dummy out of his mouth and put it out of his reach at the bottom of his bed. He stirred a few times searching for it but would then quickly fall back asleep without it. He managed to get to 4am before he woke up and found it…. He would normally have it in his mouth most of the night.

I know some people won’t agree with this approach but I’m going to continue to do it for a while so that he’s more used to not having it before we take it away altogether.

That’s a great approach and very gentle

Original poster
inkworks273 · 09/10/2023 09:27

@Ididivfama Thanks. He also usually gets his dummy as soon as he gets in bed and we read a few books etc. Last night I held off giving him it until it was time to put the lights out. I know it's just a little thing but I'm hoping it will help him break the habit.

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 09/10/2023 09:49

inkworks273 · 09/10/2023 09:27

@Ididivfama Thanks. He also usually gets his dummy as soon as he gets in bed and we read a few books etc. Last night I held off giving him it until it was time to put the lights out. I know it's just a little thing but I'm hoping it will help him break the habit.

It's ridiculous you've got to this point, but hey ho, these things happen.

Great work so far, if you keep up with this you'll have him broken from it within a week. Stay strong. Keep persevering. Don't let one right night set you back. You'll do this within a week, no need for you to stretch out out till after Christmas.

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