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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still let 4.5 year old have dummy

178 replies

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 03:56

4.5 year old ds still has his dummies at night. He would have them all day if we let him. He loves them and they bring him great comfort. I know that ideally I should take them off him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

I also have a 3 month old baby and ds is really struggling with the adjustment. He’s lashing out a bit and nursery have even mentioned that he’s seeking a lot of 1-1 attention and comfort.

I just don’t know if this is the right time to take away something that gives him huge comfort when he’s already struggling.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on what you would do in this situation?

OP posts:

saythatagaintome · 07/10/2023 05:12

A dummy gives your child reassurance… what are you there for? Take the dummy away and give your child that 1-1 and comfort you’ve offloaded onto a dummy. Seriously.

You think you’re traumatizing your son by taking it away, but wait until he needs jaw surgery to correct the damage you've allowed to occur.

Take the dummy’s away. All of them, including the ones you’ve gotten for your newborn, as your older son will see them and it’ll make it harder. Throw them in the trash, and give your child affection.

febbabies2023 · 07/10/2023 05:17

Bloody hell there's a lot of perfect parents on here isn't there?!

OP my son was 3 in July and we had a baby in Feb. He was the same with his dummy, obsessed. I wanted rid a long time ago but it was comfort for him and yes easier for me when I was exhausted in pregnancy etc. didn't want to get rid when the baby came like you and for obvious reasons.
I got rid of the dummy last week. Like your son he wouldn't be bribed with toys etc so I was just quite blunt with it to be honest. I said to him a week in advance, 'on Friday after nursery the dummies have to go in the bin' and I told him this every day until the day. Then I threw them away 😂

Day 6 and whilst he has asked every single day, he's not kicked off like I expected him too.

I do agree with waiting now until Christmas time and baby gets a little bigger so your son can adjust to baby a bit more though. My youngest still has her dummy by the way and my son has not tried to take or use hers!

Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 05:19

Ignore all the stupid goady comments as usual. There are worse things op.

We were also so worried about this especially as son is possible ND. Honestly though, it worked so well! We did a LOT of prep. I agree to start once you’re ready and not with a tiny baby. Talk about dummy fairy (bit like the tooth fairy). Get a book, see what present he would like. I also got a cuddly toy as alternative (he didn’t end up wanting it though!) he might feel very proud to be grown up once it’s done. Good luck.

Lily0719 · 07/10/2023 05:37

Hi OP, I think we overthink it, well I did with my child and in the end when I removed it at 3 yrs, it wasn’t a big deal at all. There were a couple of bad nights sleep where he had to learn to self settle but that was it. His doctor told him it had to stop at an appointment, so he understood this and then the ‘dummy fairy’ came that night and left a nice present in return for all of them. Worked a treat!

MaverickSnoopy · 07/10/2023 05:52

I see two options here. 1) dummy fairy or 2) they're lost. I actually wouldn't wait any longer, regardless of what's going on, but that's me. Never tried dummy fairy with an older child, so I can't give experience of success. However, he sounds pretty adamant, and at that age (I have a 4.5yo), they're pretty willful, so I'd feel dubious as to how well it would work, vs it just being a battle.

Personally, I think I would take them away in the morning and then, perhaps after lunch, ask him where his dummy is. Say you can't find it and have a look together. I'd line up some kind of other item of comfort and say don't worry if we can't find them you can have this. He'll probably ask to buy more but you can't get to the shops. As time goes on, you say he's done so well without, etc.

You know him best, though, and perhaps dummy fairy would be a good solution.

Onceuponaheartache · 07/10/2023 06:07

If he is only having it at night then I really don't see there is such a huge issue as some of the frankly ludicrous catastrophising from some posters.

Op my dd was a horrific sleeper, she didn't sleep through reliably until she was 6. The absolute only way I got more than 1.5 hours sleep in any one go was for her to have a dummy.

She definitely still had it when she started school...we are England and she is August born so had literally only turned 4 a few days before starting school. She had it til about the Xmas of that year.

You know your son, start preparing him now and slowly swap it out for something else in a time frame you are both happy with.

Good luck, sounds like he has had a tough few years

usererror99 · 07/10/2023 06:10

Dummies are more about the parent than the child. Ridiculous you are still letting him use one at age 4

Summermeadowflowers · 07/10/2023 06:15

Mine only had it at night until recently. We did remove it because he was demanding it constantly and the tantrums when we said no were horrendous. He still keeps asking for it though, even though he hasn’t had it for about six weeks. I really wish I’d never given him one!

@febbabies2023 MN is filled with perfect parents. If it helps, @inkworks273 , if you’d posted to say you’d removed the dummy you’d have many replies saying how cruel you were to take your child’s comfort away

Original poster

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 06:41

@Onceuponaheartache Yes, he only has them at night.

@Summermeadowflowers 😂 You are so right! You just can't win with some people on here.

OP posts:

Inspirationneededplease · 07/10/2023 06:55

My DS had his dummy at night until he was 4 and I felt under pressure to stop it before he started school in September. He was very keen to get a present from the dummy fairy but didn’t really understand he was NEVER getting the dummy back. He still misses it now and I wish there was a way he could have kept that comfort.

I definitely think now is not the right time for your DC. Maybe before he starts school, once he’s settled into having a sibling? I stopped my youngest DCs dummy at 6 months so that my eldest wouldn’t have to stop the dummy but then have 2 years of seeing his younger brother have it.

Mummyboy1 · 07/10/2023 07:04

I think when you're ready you're just going to have to go cold turkey. I'm currently doing that this weekend with my near 2 year old, I need all the strength I can get 😩.

gettingolderbutcooler · 07/10/2023 07:09

It's important for children to learn how to have internalised self soothing and self regulation of emotions, rather than relying o an external 'thing'. Hence why he's not able up self regulate/soothe his own emotions and is becoming 'needy'.

Nonetheless, what's done is done.

it's time to talk to him about this and make plans to stop - and encourage him to make that plan with you. And describe how even though he might feel sad etc it's time that he learns to manage that so he doesn't feel he's not part of the process.

GameOverBoys · 07/10/2023 07:09

Some children can use a dummy long term and it won’t have an impact on their teeth, jaw or speech. For some the impact is significant. You cant predict it. Your son will not be ‘emotionally damaged’ from taking away his dummy. That being said I would wait a few months if he’s struggling currently.

PurpleWhirple · 07/10/2023 07:18

The hyperbole on this thread 🙄

OP I don't think you needed to post here. You know what you have to do. I think you're right to wait until he is more settled but then just bite the bullet and get rid of it. He's old enough to understand.

My own DS was 4 when he finally gave the dummy up. It took literally one night. I lay with him for an hour until he fell asleep. He got a new teddy to replace the dummy and all was fine. There was no damage to his teeth or jaw.

luckysonofagun · 07/10/2023 07:39

I sucked my thumb until I was 7:8 (lot harder to take away than a dummy) and my teeth and thumb are fine.

I gave my children dummies (did not want a thumb sucker) and removed them at 1 before they got too emotional invested.

I would talk about it , prepare him then pick a day and don't back down. Yes it will be awful for a few weeks but it will settle.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/10/2023 07:43

Reduce the number slowly. When down to one, pin prick a hole in it. You need to make it ‘unpleasant’ for him to have in his mouth.
My DD had a dummy until over 2, she loved it, but listening to her trying to talk with it in her mouth was painful, it was my very sensible MIL that gently pointed this out, she was right. We used the Dummy Fairy. The first week was awful but it got better. Took about a month before she had pretty much forgotten about it altogether. She’s 18 now and has no memory of having a dummy.

Hummingbird233 · 07/10/2023 07:51

I know this isn't what you're asking but why didn't you address this before? Why are you waiting for a 4 year old to do your work? You're the grown up. You should be setting the boundaries to keep him safe and healthy.

There are so many parents who seem so scared to mentally damage their kids that their common sense goes out of the window. Of course a 4 year old shouldn't have a dummy. Its recommended to get rid by a year.

Of course he's not going to want a new toy, he's attached to the dummy. My kids don't want to brush their teeth. They don't want vegetables. They don't want to stop watching TV. They don't want to go to school etc. Should I just let them sit around watching TV all day with sweets so they don't get upset?

I would seriously consider how you've gotten to this situation and why you haven't felt able to take it away before. Why are you so concerned that it will damage his mental health? Are you projecting your emotions into him? Are you feeling guilty about something and over compensating?

I agree, now there's a new baby on the scene and he's struggling already, now isn't the time. But you do need to do it asap once he's a bit more settled to avoid him long-term dental issues. You're the parent, you need to do what's in his best interests. A child isn't emotionally scarred for life over dummies being removed.

Original poster

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 07:59

@Hummingbird233 I explained further down the thread why we didn't take the dummy away sooner. I do agree with you that he's too old for it now.

OP posts:

xyz111 · 07/10/2023 08:07

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:26

@Mariposista It's not about my own convenience. It's about me not wanting to emotionally damage my son by taking away something that gives him comfort.

There must be lots of emotionally damaged kids out there who's parents took their dummies away from them 🙄

Abfab63 · 07/10/2023 08:07

If you can find something he likes just a little bit less than dummies then push that as his primary comfort and I think it makes the swap easier.

This was us up until a week ago with our 3 year old. I honestly never thought we'd get rid of it. Was so easy once she decided she liked cuddly rabbits more than her dummy and wanted a new one.

Blessedbethefruitz · 07/10/2023 08:08

My ds had a dummy until over 3 a few months after his dummy refusing baby sister was born, when he suddenly forgot about it one day so I quickly hid them. His teeth are fine. We tried the dummy fairy etc and nothing worked. Is your ds being regularly seen at the dentist?

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 08:08

xyz111 · 07/10/2023 08:07

There must be lots of emotionally damaged kids out there who's parents took their dummies away from them 🙄

Show quote history

Quite. You will have the mother of all tantrums on your hands for several days (which most just cba to go through) but you can guarantee the kid won’t be traumatized when he is applying for his first job!

Blessedbethefruitz · 07/10/2023 08:09

Also have you considered an alternative like a teething toy? There are some that look like dummies.

Original poster

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 08:12

@xyz111 My ds is really struggling with the transition of having a new baby brother. He's being very emotional and is seeking comfort which is why I don't want to take one of his sources of comfort away right now. I'm not sure if it would emotionally damage him long term or not. That's why I posted on this thread looking for advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 08:14

@Blessedbethefruitz Yes, he goes to the dentist for check ups and his teeth are fine so far. I mentioned the dummy at the last visit and she said there was still time but to definitely get rid of it before his baby teeth start falling out.

OP posts:

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