To still let 4.5 year old have dummy

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4.5 year old ds still has his dummies at night. He would have them all day if we let him. He loves them and they bring him great comfort. I know that ideally I should take them off him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

I also have a 3 month old baby and ds is really struggling with the adjustment. He’s lashing out a bit and nursery have even mentioned that he’s seeking a lot of 1-1 attention and comfort.

I just don’t know if this is the right time to take away something that gives him huge comfort when he’s already struggling.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on what you would do in this situation?

My disabled tween has a dummy due to sensory needs.
People are horrid, grown adults point and stare and mutter to each other. You can clearly see the tween is disabled. I can't fathom why adults are so opinionated on situations they have absolutely no knowledge of. I really think some people need classes on how to be a decent human being.
Anyway I just want to add do not worry about teeth and jaw. We quarterly visit hospital for dental/mouth care, they aren't bothered by the dummy at all and say it has no negative impact

I also wonder if all these parents who recommend the dummy fairy etc are the same parents that preach we shouldn't lie to our children and they must be told by age 8 that father christmas isn't real

But you are allowing something that will cause physical damage.

You've chosen the wrong time to get rid of the dummy. He should've been weaned off it years ago, not whilst he's jealous of his baby brother. He wouldn't have remembered it if he'd given up the dummy before he was 2. You'll just have to reward him for being a 'big boy' and have 1 to 1 time with him without his brother.

Lullaby Trust advises getting rid of the dummy before your baby is 12 months old. It can cause issues with their tongue, language development, teeth growing etc. Not sure when he transitioned to only using it night.

My youngest had a dummy until he just turned 3. I felt it was too old but just had a pretty traumatising miscarriage and knew he would be my last baby so couldn't let go. I'm convinced it was starting to affect his oral health, more so encouraging mouth breathing by having his mouth open which was giving him a very dry mouth and morning breath. Plus his speech is hard to make out at times. He was very emotionally attached and is a very determined little boy.

We spoke about it and I said when you are ready we will go to build a bear and you can pick out whatever Teddy you want and the dummy will go inside the Teddy so you know it's with you but it can't go in your mouth anymore. One day a couple weeks later he woke up and decided to do it. He got a special day out just me and him, 100% of my attention and it wasn't as bad as I thought. He was teary a couple of nights but easily redirected with some cuddles and I helped him feel his dummy in the Teddy.

Loving this idea (just hope he doesnt get hold of a pair of scissors one day and trys a C section,😂

@PinkNailpolish He's only had it for sleep since he was around 1. I guess that's why it never seemed like a pressing issue as he's only ever had it while he's asleep so we've never had to deal with him talking with it in his mouth or taking it to nursery etc.

development to the point that nursery are suggesting we defer him from starting school for another year.

I very much doubt you will be able to defer beyond August 24.
He's 4.5 so he'll be 5 by next August needs to be in school. Sept-February children can defer one year but not March-August children. They must be in school after they turn 5.

Re the dummy, can he not leave it on the dummy tree for the "baby reindeer" or the "baby elves" ? I'd do that at the beginning of December, so he's settled again for Christmas.

@Sugarfree23 You can put in a special request with the school board. This is coming from the schools educational psychologist who has been observing ds.

When some people say they had a dummy until 6/8/10 or whenever and have no teeth or jaw damage, doesn't mean no one gets damage. That's like when people say their auntie smoked 50 a day and lived until 95. Does that mean smoking is fine?
I work in dentistry and I have seen horrendous jaw and teeth issues caused by dummy/thumb/finger sucking. It doesn't happen to everyone no. But as with smoking, you won't know if it's going to happen until it does. I've seen children who can barely eat solid food as only a couple of teeth meet together. Fixing an open bite and overjet due to dummy/digit sucking is very hard.
Yes these extreme cases are quite rare. But people just need to be aware so it doesn't get that far. I think it's easy to think a child is still "young" but time goes so fast that they're suddenly not that young anymore.

Sorry you’re getting a hard time on here OP.

Some people are just perfect.

Don’t mention the baby or Santa says the dummy has to go because he’ll always associate them as a negative.

Keep talking to him, telling him the dummies will be going, then just remove them all.

He will be upset for a while but that’s no different to anything else in his life. He would probably prefer to stay to home with you rather than go to school, stay up late than go to bed, stay on holiday rather than leave, but all these things happen anyway.

Good luck.

We’re in the same boat here OP, don’t beat yourself up about it. Perhaps if I could go back in time I might remove it earlier, but I can’t. We have worked on it being for bed only. Problem for us is she uses it to sniff her comforter and says she can’t without the dummy. She then can’t get to sleep without both.xx

This will be hard as he’s far too old and used to it now, But I second the suggestion of pin pricking it them all, so it’s not the same sensation.
start if by telling him he’s too old for dummies now, and there’s no more, choose a nice teddy.
He will likely kick off, but ultimately this is in his best interests, and we need to make decisions in our children’s best interests everyday that they may not like o agree with. If he needs extra comfort then give it to him!

@Mukey I can assure you ds will not have his dummy when he's 8/9/10. It will be gone in the next few months which is why I'm not overly worried about long term effects. I'm getting rid now so that that doesn't happen.

I agree that the pin prick is a good idea so I will try that! I've also thought about taking the dummies from him after he falls asleep at night and seeing how long he can go without them before he wakes up looking for them.

I might try these more gentle approaches for a while and then come dec/jan if he still has them we'll go cold turkey.

I also like the build a bear idea but feel I may end up with a headless bear 😅

Looks like my daughter was another one of the ‘lucky’ ones who had hers til around 5 to sleep and resting (stopped naturally when she started school). Perfect teeth (dentist said) and always had advanced language for her age. Now 27 years old.
I used to suck my thumb until I started high school (found better things to amuse myself in bed after that!). Had a brace, but due to over crowding and had to have 4 teeth out.

Yes, removing at night once she was sleepy was one of my tactics that helped I think.

Open bites can occur much earlier than that. I was just using those ages in response to the people saying they were fine at that age. I've seen huge open bites in 3 year olds. But if you have been going to the dentist regularly and they are happy then that's what matters. I'm just making this point for other people that may think it's fine for their 4 year old to still have a dummy 24/7 and not be going to the dentist. There isn't a definitive cut off where the teeth will be fine. It's unpredictable.

I can’t give you advice about your older son as my children never had dummies (I’m very against them). The advice I can give though is don’t give your new baby a dummy ever. It’s not necessary and they don’t miss what they don’t have. Why anyone gives their baby a dummy at all is beyond me.

Because sometimes when you've had 2 hours sleep in 4 days and you have a baby that absolutely won't settle at all, it helps.

I never gave any of my DC dummies to begin with. They sucked their thumb occasionally but managed just fine without. Millions of babies in less economically developed countries don't have dummies and manage without. By giving a dummy your life might be a bit easier but you just get them addicted to something they don't need. Why not try not giving a dummy to your new baby? You will see they manage just fine without one. Just throw them in the bin read the book about giving up the dummy and don't ask your son if he wants to give it up, as it's all he's ever known of course he'll say he wants to keep it, just tell him it's broken so gone in the bin. Don't get another.

Throw it away.
Just tell him it's gone and that's the end of it.
No arguments. It's gone. That's it. No more.
He's old enough to know better.
He's going to end up with a wonky mouth and chin like Johnny Greenwood out of Radiohead or Freddie Mercury, if you don't stop this now.

It’s bad for his teeth, bad for his speech. But you know that already.

If you haven’t given the new baby a dummy I would certainly suggest you don’t as that may stir up jealousy but also a reminder!!

It should have gone before new baby came but its too late for that now. I would make sure it is gone within the next 3 months. Get him used to using something else for comfort in the meantime and accept that it'll be difficult for a few weeks, especially if baby has a dummy, because he will probably try to take it.