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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still let 4.5 year old have dummy

178 replies

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 03:56

4.5 year old ds still has his dummies at night. He would have them all day if we let him. He loves them and they bring him great comfort. I know that ideally I should take them off him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

I also have a 3 month old baby and ds is really struggling with the adjustment. He’s lashing out a bit and nursery have even mentioned that he’s seeking a lot of 1-1 attention and comfort.

I just don’t know if this is the right time to take away something that gives him huge comfort when he’s already struggling.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on what you would do in this situation?

OP posts:
Thisisashocker · 07/10/2023 12:11

Three year old grandchild gave her dummies to cabin crew on our way back from our holiday. We were absolutely dreading it but it was amazing…she has never asked for a dummy again.
How about getting him to give them to the postman and he can deliver them to babies! Obviously prime post man/ woman first !!

wizzbitt · 07/10/2023 12:13

I was going to jump on and talk about Christmas. I got my DS to give up his beaker by leaving it for the "baby fairies" on Christmas Eve. It totally worked. But if you say it won't then could you get him a new "special toy"? Does he like fidget toys. Lots of crap 😂 alternative fun things to choose from.
Good luck OP

Jk987 · 07/10/2023 12:16

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 04:24

Sadly you will have to ride this one out and think of your son’s future rather than your own convenience.

Wow. It's not exactly child abuse!

Dramatic · 07/10/2023 12:18

captncrunch · 07/10/2023 09:23

I don't want to add to the pile on OP, I know it is hard. My DC never used dummies but my DD sucked her thumb until she was 6. One of my biggest regrets is not tackling it more harshly. Like your son it was only ever at night because she only thumb sucked when she had one particular comfort toy wrapped around the hand with the sucking thumb! The dentist told me when she was 4 she needed to stop and we did all sorts of 'gentle' things which didn't help. He suggested a mouth guard or taping her thumb at night and we felt it was cruel and couldn't face the distress it would cause her. Well, we should have done it. At 6, the dentist was really severe with me and we went cold turkey. We had to paint nasty tasting nail polish on the thumb and she still sucked and I ended up sitting with her for hours on end at night holding the sucking thumb until she fell asleep so she couldn't do it. We eventually broke the habit. She has a high palate and narrow bite and basically even braces won't fix that. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to learn from me! Distress now when he's 4 is better than distress later when it's time for painful orthodontic work.

My step daughter is the same, she is almost 8 now and sucks her two middle fingers all night every night. Her adult teeth are a total mess and the shape of her mouth has been totally affected. There's not a lot we can do as we don't have her full time but I feel terrible for her that she's going to have years of problems because of this

Mummysatthebodyshop · 07/10/2023 12:20

'Emotional damage'

I don't think I've ever heard one person complaining about the emotional damage of no longer having a dummy as a child. It's easier on you to blame it but stop using his NORMAL response as an excuse.

BadBadDecisions · 07/10/2023 12:33

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 04:26

@Mariposista It's not about my own convenience. It's about me not wanting to emotionally damage my son by taking away something that gives him comfort.

Not sure there's an adult alive today who considers themselves emotionally damaged by the removal of a dummy.

Come on.

Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 12:36

Maybe take yourself off mumsnet and trust your gut. Dummy fairy worked great for us but it’s up to you. My friend told me he was at school when he gave his up. 🤣 was upset but not traumatised.

Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 12:37

BadBadDecisions · 07/10/2023 12:33

Not sure there's an adult alive today who considers themselves emotionally damaged by the removal of a dummy.

Come on.

Show quote history

Don’t be harsh. I actually had the same worry. Please trust yourself as there is more to it. But do it well before school.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 12:38

inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 03:56

4.5 year old ds still has his dummies at night. He would have them all day if we let him. He loves them and they bring him great comfort. I know that ideally I should take them off him. I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

I also have a 3 month old baby and ds is really struggling with the adjustment. He’s lashing out a bit and nursery have even mentioned that he’s seeking a lot of 1-1 attention and comfort.

I just don’t know if this is the right time to take away something that gives him huge comfort when he’s already struggling.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on what you would do in this situation?

Read him the Last NooNoo by Jill Murphy

I remember a new child starting school and she came for a visit with a dummy, talking around it.

Awful

momonpurpose · 07/10/2023 12:47

MaryShelley1818 · 07/10/2023 04:14

With no special needs that's honestly so awful you've allowed this to happen. You're affecting your child's teeth and oral development. The whole jaw and mouth shape. It's neglectful.

Just stop talking to him about it, and parent your child and remove them. I know nobody wants to see their child upset but somethings are and should be non negotiable when it comes to your child's health and wellbeing. There are other ways to offer security and comfort.

You have to be cruel to be kind in this case. Will he cry yes. Will it be hard yes. Find other ways to give him comfort. Better he cry a bit now then crying at the dentist...

WhamBamThankU · 07/10/2023 12:51

I have a relative who was a foundation teacher. You could tell which kids still used dummies as they often had marks around their mouth where they naturally drooled a bit in their sleep and the dummy made it sore. Other kids would ask what was wrong with them.

momonpurpose · 07/10/2023 12:51

saythatagaintome · 07/10/2023 05:12

A dummy gives your child reassurance… what are you there for? Take the dummy away and give your child that 1-1 and comfort you’ve offloaded onto a dummy. Seriously.

You think you’re traumatizing your son by taking it away, but wait until he needs jaw surgery to correct the damage you've allowed to occur.

Take the dummy’s away. All of them, including the ones you’ve gotten for your newborn, as your older son will see them and it’ll make it harder. Throw them in the trash, and give your child affection.

Sadly I think being easier so he won't be upset poor boy will still have the dummy after Christmas

Nat6999 · 07/10/2023 13:20

Ds still had his dummy & blankie at that age, he gave them up when he was ready. He has no problems with his teeth. He had a lot going on with his dad being in & out of hospital & needed all the comfort he could get, plus being a poor sleeper due to autism. He had given them up by the time he was 5, but it was his own decision.

saythatagaintome · 07/10/2023 13:38

90yomakeuproom · 07/10/2023 10:14

Interested to know if there are any adult thumb suckers or dummy users on here?
Maybe more thumb suckered than dummies....

😂

Original poster
inkworks273 · 07/10/2023 13:39

@Nat6999 Thank you. That's reassuring.

OP posts:
Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 13:44

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 12:38

Read him the Last NooNoo by Jill Murphy

I remember a new child starting school and she came for a visit with a dummy, talking around it.

Awful

Show quote history

I wouldn’t as I don’t like some of the language and in the end he still gets dummies.

Noshowlomo · 07/10/2023 14:22

We took away my sons just before he was 4.5 before he started in reception, late August. Just cold turkey. I wouldn’t have done it if he needed the comfort though but he was ready.
it had affected his teeth growing but they’ve already gone back into shape. The comments on here are nuts.
Give it some time, keep telling him it’s off to dummy fairy soon to get him used to the idea as well x

neverbeenskiing · 07/10/2023 14:38

I’ve tried talking to him about it and said about the dummy fairy and a new toy but he’s adamant that he doesn’t want any new toys and wants to keep his dummies.

It shouldn't be up to a small child to make that decision. I'm all for giving children choices where appropriate, but sometimes the adults need to take charge and just tell the child what's happening. This is one of those situations.
Yes, he is likely to be distressed initially, because it's been allowed to go on for long and he's very attached to the dummy but he will get over it. Worst case scenario you have a couple of sleepless nights and lots of tears, but if that's the case then its going to happen however long you stall and find excuses why now is not the right time. No point delaying the inevitable.

BadBadDecisions · 07/10/2023 15:34

If he insisted on sleeping in a cot, being pushed in a buggy, wearing nappies etc, you'd probably not be keen on that. He is a school aged child, it's time for baby things to stop!

LemonPeonies · 07/10/2023 16:06

Don't mean to sound rude but my ds had terrible reflux, needed constant breastfeeding and general attention which I gave. Even my parents once said to just give him a dummy, but I never did because I knew it would be a nightmare to give up. Some parents just use them to shut their baby up and I honestly think they're never needed. If your baby needs comfort, cuddle them etc.

Summermeadowflowers · 07/10/2023 17:02

Don’t mean to sound rude yet you did.

BadBadDecisions · 07/10/2023 17:04

Agree @Summermeadowflowers plenty of babies need them and it's a big comforting benefit to them. I just think this particular child isn't a baby any more.

Sugarfree23 · 07/10/2023 17:16

LemonPeonies · 07/10/2023 16:06

Don't mean to sound rude but my ds had terrible reflux, needed constant breastfeeding and general attention which I gave. Even my parents once said to just give him a dummy, but I never did because I knew it would be a nightmare to give up. Some parents just use them to shut their baby up and I honestly think they're never needed. If your baby needs comfort, cuddle them etc.

Some will resort to thumbs or fingers. They are much harder to get rid off.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/10/2023 17:35

I would keep your son's dummy for as long as he needs it. I regret never giving a dummy to my older boy (now 14, doing very well at school). He chewed through so many cardigarns, winter coats, T-shirts etc. He would suck on the collar or even sometimes at the hem. He is a sensitive boy so I never made much issue of it. My son gave this habit up in year 2 or 3. I never forced the issue. Your son's dummy at night seems to be a minor issue to me. He is probably not sucking on it much during sleep so I wound't worry about teeth. I just remebered, my son slept with a baby doll until he was about 11. I was always very quick to hide it if his friends came to visit. My son is a very confident boy now, articulate, with a good circle of friends. Sometimes we just need to be a little understanding. I see no need for you to remove your son's dummy as it's giving him so much comfort and probably a sense of control over his life.

Crazyducklady · 07/10/2023 17:37

The hysteria a dummy post on here always makes me laugh and any child above 10 days old is far too old for a dummy and the parents should ‘step up immediately’ and parent their child.

The reality is that loads of children use them for longer and they do no harm whatsoever provided they’re not jammed in their mouth 24/7.

Occasional comfort use is fine and they’re easier to get rid of than a thumb or fingers. I gradually chucked my boys’ away until there was just one left. Eldest was 3, youngest was 4. Last one just ‘got lost’ one day and they accepted it no bother.

Parent how you like. I can promise you he’ll turn out just fine and over the years you’ll look back and wish all you had to worry about was a dummy 😁