Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't stop crying how are you supposed to live without your mum? Forever?

177 replies

justneedmymum · 06/10/2023 19:36

I think I'm going to vomit or pass out, I just can't stop crying and keep getting waves of nausea and dread.

It has been over 8 months since my mum died and I just can't figure out how this is it now forever? I am in my 30's she was in her 50's and there is too long left without her?

Waiting for genetic testing to come back to see what risk I have for the same cancer that killed her so I suppose there is a reasonable chance I won't live that long myself which is a whole other thing but even the thought of 10 more years without my mum is unfathomable.

Honestly don't think I'm ever going to be okay again, not really.

How did you manage when you had no parents left? How do you cope with feeling cut off and isolated if you don't have much other family? I have 2 other family members left who I'm close enough to ring for a chat every week or so but we live in three different countries now. See them a couple of times a year.

I feel so adrift.

OP posts:
JustAnotherMNUserPassing · 06/10/2023 19:37

I'm so sorry, I just wanted to send condolences Flowers

Rainbow978 · 06/10/2023 19:39

Hey, I lost my mum four years ago this November and i’ll be honest it’s still absolutely destroying me, I was 21 when I lost her she was 52 and I understand the pain of having so much time left to live without them, its so daunting 💔

sending you lots of strength it’ll always hurt but I like to think she’s still around, a love like that doesn’t just disappear? Surely not (that’s what keeps me sane anyway)

Norugratsatall · 06/10/2023 19:39

Sending heartfelt love to you OP. I lost my mum more than 8 years ago and for a long time felt as you do. It does get easier I promise. 8 months is still so recent. Do you have real life support? Xx💐

speakingofart · 06/10/2023 19:39

It doesn’t always feel like this. You do start to move forward - I still wish I had “a grown up” to ask, but you honestly will find the strength. I was 28 when I lost the only parent I had and it’s indescribably awful, but I’m 36 now and I promise it gets better. Hold on, you’ll get there.

Illegally18 · 06/10/2023 19:39

sending you my thoughts. You lost your mum when you were both too young

Neekoh · 06/10/2023 19:41

I'm so sorry you've been left without your mum. I'm sending you warm hugs and condolences.

It's never going to be okay; of course it won't. But I wish you strength to cope with the pain, and, in time, peace.

Would you like to tell us about your lovely mum?

PervyMuskrat · 06/10/2023 19:42

Honestly, I don’t know. My mum died in July and it’s still so fucking raw and I’m so angry with everyone. I’m starting grief counselling next week so I’m hoping that helps. Sending hugs x

starlightcan · 06/10/2023 19:43

So sorry you lost your mum OP. No advice but sending a big hug your way. X

Azaeleasinbloom · 06/10/2023 19:43

So sorry for your loss. Your mum was too young to go. My own mum died at 80 and I felt bereft for a very long time. Constantly forgot and went to phone her, then felt poleaxed when I remembered.
But, eventually it gets easier. And eventually you can smile with nice memories.
💐for you.

Comedycook · 06/10/2023 19:47

Both my parents were dead by my mid twenties. I don't have a huge family but am close to those I do have. It's tough...it will very slowly get easier as time moves on....sorry for your loss

Jennalong · 06/10/2023 19:48

My father died when I was 25 , and my mother 20 + years after that , and was an only child.
I did have an almost orphan now feeling , realising I have no one that is alive to share those important and precious childhood memories ( holidays , Christmas etc ) and Yes that still makes me sad if I dwell on it .
But you carry on , because well you have to , and because we all have a life that means we are a child , an adult and those we love and call family leave our life at some point .
My dad was early 50s and died of the same thing that his father died of , likewise my mother also of a disease that is in hers.
Does it get better as time goes on ? Well no not really , but it does get different , you learn to accept the bad days along with days that are ok.

jacksonspring · 06/10/2023 19:50

Trying to understand the mentality of people who read this post and clicked ‘YABU’.

I am so sorry, OP x

ettieb · 06/10/2023 19:53

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. Its the worst thing ever. I lost my mum 30 years ago at the age of 25. I was an only child and my mum and I were so close. I can only say to you it does get better. I was so upset when I got married and had my son and she wasn't there.. it's awful. However now I think about my mum every other day or so... with love but not awful sadness... it does get better .

RedBarGap · 06/10/2023 19:56

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

I think the only thing I found comforting was that I felt I could technically still talk to her. I knew her well enough as a person to know what she would say back to me, what advice she would give, how her laugh would sound. Although she isn't physically present I can still "hear" her voice. She has been dead for 13 years and I take massive comfort in the memories of when she was alive. We remember her fondly and positively.

I count myself lucky, my friend's Mum died when she was a teen and I have friends whose Mums died before they had children. I always look for the positives, I am glad she was at my wedding and met my lovely husband. I am glad she got to know my children even if they don't really remember her clearly. We have videos of her and photos to look at and we cherish those.

FlatWhiteFriday · 06/10/2023 19:57

Couldn’t read and run.

it’s the worst club in the world to be apart of but I had similar circumstances/ages, once she died I had nobody.

What I will say is lean on those around you, grief is so individual. Seek therapy if you’re open to it and ready. Talk about her, don’t think you can’t. Do things if you feel able that she would like. Don’t feel like celebrating her birthday? Don’t. Want to go and do something she would love? Do that. Do what you feel is right.

I'm really sorry it’s so rubbish. My whole heart goes out to you.

Cackleandcluck · 06/10/2023 19:58

It’s hard and many things always will be. I lost my mum when I was in my 20’s unexpectedly. Having children and them not knowing her is awful. I mourn for the days when I could just pop over for a chat or call her when I got home. I was jealous for a long time of my friends who still had their mum and in many ways I still am. But I found relief in knowing she wasn’t suffering, in my friendships and those friends who stuck around. How we as a family became closer and how I want to be a mum just like my mum was. It’s not something you will ever get over but one day you will start to remember the happy times and smile. There is and never will be a timeline for grief. 8 months is not long, be gentle with yourself.

Ilikeviognier · 06/10/2023 19:59

I lost my mum at 30 and my dad when I was 32 less than 2 years later. Neither of them met off my children. Honestly - you never get over if. You Just learn to live with it. The rawness goes away over time - but I’m not going to lie OP - I’m 14 years on from the loss of my mum and I can’t honestly say it’s easier. I’ve just learned to manage without them. You’ll manage too - so sorry 🌺

Brilliantlydone · 06/10/2023 19:59

I'm so sorry, it is so hard and sad.
I'm also early 30s and my mum died 2 years ago. I think of her every day and feel so, so sad not to have her. It could have been yesterday since I last saw her, and it could also have been forever.

All I can say is it doesn't feel the current raw feeling you have forever. Two years on and it's still so sad but I'm getting more used to the sadness.

StrandedStarfish · 06/10/2023 20:01

I’m so sorry for your loss. It does feel like the end of the world. You go on, because you have to.

If ever I’m not sure about what to do in a situation, I think about what my Mum would do, and just do that. It tends to work.

ColleenDonaghy · 06/10/2023 20:02

When my best friend died I remember breaking down on DH saying exactly this - how on earth am I supposed to go on without her for another 60 years (poor DH Blush )? Nearly 15 years on, the answer is simple - baby steps. It's shit, but you grow used to the loss and live goes on. You don't stop loving them or missing them but it slowly stops being all consuming.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 06/10/2023 20:03

Sorry for your loss OP.

I lost my mum 37 years ago and I still miss her. But it does get easier - you never “get over it” but you learn to live with the loss. I generally remember her now with happiness, although I still get upset at times.

My little boy asked me about her for the first time last week and I was very emotional.

Trusttheprocess1 · 06/10/2023 20:06

Couldn’t just read and run. I’m 54 and the thought of being without her still makes me scared. I’m so sorry for your loss and your obvious pain 💐

Missingmyusername · 06/10/2023 20:06

I haven’t voted because I think it’s a bit raw and you don’t need that right now. Are you being unreasonable, at the moment no of course not. It’s all too much to comprehend.
You take it day by day. The pain will ease, it will always be there to a degree, but you learn to live with it. Your mum would want you to enjoy your life (she probably lost loved ones along the way).
I’m sorry for your loss, compile an album whether digital or material, treasure it, you’ll think of her often and you should, take comfort where you can, time is fleeting, though it may not feel like it now. Take care.

Aria999 · 06/10/2023 20:07

Oh sweetheart. My mum died of breast cancer when I was 30. Sending you massive hugs. She was my best friend. My dad is still alive and I love him dearly but we were never as close. I remember that sick feeling.

I got through it with support from my wonderful DH mostly. Do you have other people in your life who live nearer that you are close to? A partner, friends.

For me it has definitely faded a lot (it was 16 years ago), but sadly at the price of forgetting to some extent what it was like to have her. Life has moved on. I live in another country and have kids she never met.

So sorry for your loss.

Notlaughingalot · 06/10/2023 20:09

RedBarGap · 06/10/2023 19:56

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

I think the only thing I found comforting was that I felt I could technically still talk to her. I knew her well enough as a person to know what she would say back to me, what advice she would give, how her laugh would sound. Although she isn't physically present I can still "hear" her voice. She has been dead for 13 years and I take massive comfort in the memories of when she was alive. We remember her fondly and positively.

I count myself lucky, my friend's Mum died when she was a teen and I have friends whose Mums died before they had children. I always look for the positives, I am glad she was at my wedding and met my lovely husband. I am glad she got to know my children even if they don't really remember her clearly. We have videos of her and photos to look at and we cherish those.

This is a lovely post. Sending love to you OP.