Can't stop crying how are you supposed to live without your mum? Forever?

[justneedmymum]

I think I'm going to vomit or pass out, I just can't stop crying and keep getting waves of nausea and dread.

It has been over 8 months since my mum died and I just can't figure out how this is it now forever? I am in my 30's she was in her 50's and there is too long left without her?

Waiting for genetic testing to come back to see what risk I have for the same cancer that killed her so I suppose there is a reasonable chance I won't live that long myself which is a whole other thing but even the thought of 10 more years without my mum is unfathomable.

Honestly don't think I'm ever going to be okay again, not really.

How did you manage when you had no parents left? How do you cope with feeling cut off and isolated if you don't have much other family? I have 2 other family members left who I'm close enough to ring for a chat every week or so but we live in three different countries now. See them a couple of times a year.

I feel so adrift.

OP my heart truly goes out to you. 8 months is absolutely no time at all and you still probably have many "first's" to get through without your lovely mum. It's been 4 years this December since I lost my mum and honestly, like so many others have written, you don't get completely over it but the days do become easier.
I find the time of year most difficult because she adored Christmas and she really wanted to make it but died on the 21st. I do my best to try and still enjoy the festivities but I don't think my heart will ever heal fully.
Sending you lots of love x

The 6-12 month part was the hardest for me as I was trapped between wanting time to heal and not wanting to put the distance of time between us

@Oioicaptain This really resonated with me, thank you for putting it into words. The ‘distance of time’ was a part of grief I wasn’t really prepared for. Almost wanting to stay still, as painful as it was where I was.

💐 ❤️

My beloved Dad died in April this year, suddenly and a horrid death. He was alone when he died and that kills me, he was so loved and yet he was alone. We all miss him so so much and grief is new to me and yes it is brutal. I went on antidepressants in the end as I was struggling to cope and that has taken the edge off but it is still so very hard. All those firsts - birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Fathers day all just serve to remind us of what we have lost. I don't have any answers but just know you are not alone and I hear you x

I’m so sorry for your loss op. You’re not alone.

This also resonated with me. I called it a grief bubble where I didn't want to go back to work and move on with life as usual as it was very far from usual but we have to. I just think keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking, what else is there to do? I could cry a river and it changes nothing and that is the hardest part, it will never change.

I’m so sorry to everyone who has lost their mums. It’s something I find myself feeling a bit anxious about lately as my parents are starting to seem a little old in their early 70s and I can’t really imagine life without them as part of it. It’s not the same but I was very close to my maternal grandmother who did all our childcare where we were small. 25 years on from her dying quite suddenly in my first year at university I still will suddenly find myself missing her when I see something I know she’d have appreciated. My mum will still have a little cry sometimes over her loss even though she says she feels silly about it as grandma would have been over 100 now if she were still with us. She more often though enjoys sharing her memories of her mum & also her grandma with the grandkids. I feel like while we still can share the stories of the people we love they haven’t entirely gone from our lives and they continue to influence us. When you feel able to maybe share some Of your stories about your mum. It might help a little bit to feel like something of her is still around.

I don't think you ever get over losing your parents but it does get easier. I was 28 and my Mum 56 when I lost her 30 years ago. She never met my DH or my children, or any of her grandchildren (I have three siblings and we all have DCs). I miss her every day and often wish I could ask her things or share memories etc. Sometimes I dream about her and feel so cheated when I wake up and she's not there.

But the initial devastation does ease a bit. I try to remember the happy times and have lots of photos around the house. I'm gutted whenever I think of all the things I wish I could share with her - and typing this now makes me tear up. But although its a cliche - life does go on. It's just shittier than it ought to have been....

DDad obvs had an awful time too. Luckily he eventually met someone and remarried, but there was a terrible decade or so in between.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and happy memories going forwards.

I felt the same about my dad. I did find it eased after a year. The pain of bereavement comes in waves that get gentler over time.

This Reddit quote was the most helpful thing ever for me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1

And I know I'm lucky to have my DDad and siblings - it must be much harder for you.

Like a lot of people here I can fully sympathize with you. I lost my mum 2 years ago, she was very poorly and we knew she was going to die, but when i heard those words "she's gone" i literally howled. Doesn't matter how old you are there is nothing that can prepare you for the loss of your mum. Even two years on i still can't accept that shes really gone. All I can say is, although you wont get over it, you do eventually learn to live with the pain. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I am so sorry that you lost your Mum. It is almost the first anniversary of losing my Mum. She had been ill for 10 years and so I think that I had anticipatory grief and was slightly more prepared but her death although peaceful for her was pretty horrible. She was 80 and I am pleased that she saw and we celebrated her 80th birthday, her Diamond wedding anniversary and got to meet 3 of her great grandchildren. Please do talk to someone a bereavement or general therapist, write her a letter, plant a beautiful shrub in your garden. None of these will bring your Mum back but perhaps will give you some comfort in some small way. The first are always difficult and grief is very individual, there is no time limit and no right or wrong way to grieve but you need to take care of you. Try to eat and sleep regularly, do some breathing exercises and try and get outdoors in the daylight as much as you can. Do what feels right for you and gives you some comfort. Take care of you 💐

I think you will always feel,sad but you will get used to it. I'm not sure that it gets easier exactly but it gets less raw. It's still very early days for you so it's not surprising you are feeling so overwhelmed.

When I am missing my Dad I try and remind myself how lucky I was to have such a great Dad. It would be far sadder to have had a shite Dad that I didn't miss. You only have to look at the millions of Mumsnet threads about people with awful relationships with their parents to realise how lucky those of us with great parents are.

💐💐💐

I’m sorry you are struggling. It can be hard when people say you never get over it. That looks so frightening written down. I think you do get over it- you never forget & never stop wishing it hadn’t happened but a happy, joyful life can grow around it. This is exactly what your mum would have wanted. For you to go on as a happy successful adult.

A wee poem…

She Gave Us Our Hearts

She gave us our hearts, she made them.
And then she filled them.

With love and fairness and kindness and strength and a touch of cynicism.
She taught us how to protect them.

On went these hearts & found other hearts.

They made new hearts.

Each time the love that began with her,
pouring into the next.

And when her heart was no more, the love endured.

Indestructible.

On to the next heart.

On and on.

She gave us our hearts.

Over the years ( from friends and colleagues and sons and daughters of ladies I’ve nursed ), I’ve heard so many people say that the loss of your mum is a loss like no other.

I am so sorry, my deepest condolences. I have no answer. Losing a parent one of the worst things I have gone through.

Like many others, I've suffered a close, personal loss. 8 months is no time at all, although it feels like it is, but give yourself a break. Truth is I don't think you 'get over' loss like this, it does stay with you and you forget who you were before the grief. But the days become bearable, then there's some OK days, some good days and before you know it, you're like your usual self but with the memories of your loved one always in your mind. Try and concentrate on the good times. As a mother, I hate the thought of my son feeling like you do. Don't care if he's 30 or 50, he'll always be my child.
Take care of yourself, please remember the basics, make sure you eat and drink plenty, even if you don't feel like it.
I'm very sorry for your loss ❤

I am so sorry and send you a virtual hug. Both my parents died when I was in my 30's. I had a terribly difficult relationship with my dad who was abusive and cruel, He did and said things that I never told my mum about. My mum already had poor health and after my dad died she became even more unwell so it was almost as if she had gone before she died as she was frail and not like her old self.She was only in her early 60's but seemed so much older and in a sense not like my mum of old. I guess I started grieving before her death but that is not to say that when she did die it didn't hit me like the most agonising blow. 30 years have gone by and I still chat to her in my head, especially about what I am reading as she gave me such a love of books. When I am buying something daft I can hear her either approving or telling me not to waste my cash, when I cook i remember how she disliked it and was proud of the way I had taught myself, I guess what I am trying to say is that the agony does fade and you find a way through the intense grief. I still have my mum's handbag with her glasses and her little pocket diary in it, what is strange is the thought that when I die all the meaning and memory will leave that object and it will just be a bag with a few bits in it, but to me is a time travel device. I look at it, open it and touch the things in it and feel all the memories

I’m so sorry OP 😔❤️

8 months is such a short space of time when grieving. Please don’t feel like you should be okay after 8 months.

I promise you this feeling won’t last forever. You will always miss her. The pain of missing her will never go away. But, it will get easier to live with.

This is one of my favourite quotes about grief, so I hope it gives some comfort.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” - Vicki Harrison

I am nearly 6 years in and it actually still physically hurts me at times.
I dream about her and still sometimes wake up and for a split second, I forget then it hits me again.

But the day to day of it, is manageable now. It's no easier, you just learn to manage it and cope with it better. You do learn how to cope, but allow yourself to grieve however you need to. Be angry, be sad but also remember the good times and laugh about them, allow yourself to be grateful for having a wonderful mum and having good times together. In the days and moments your are happy, don't feel guilty about it.

I’m so sorry. Your post made me cry. My mum was very ill with cancer last year and I live in fear everyday that it is going to come back tomorrow and she won’t be here anymore.

Focus on the wonderful, beautiful times you had with your lovely mum and, as corny as it sounds, please know that she will live on in your heart forever and in everything you do.

Sending lots of love to you xx

I am so sorry for you OP. The first few months in particular are a brutal time. I lost my Mum 16 years ago, and my Dad in 2020. I still miss them and long for them. Even though I'm older than you must be, I felt orphaned in a way, like a little rudderless boat drifting on a huge sea. The terrible rawness of the grief does ease, and slowly you learn to think and speak of them without constant tears. I was so scared of forgetting what their dear familiar voices were like, but I need not have worried - I hear them all the time in the memories I carry around with me. They live on in me.

Oh lovely I'm so sorry. I lost my mam very suddenly just after Christmas and it still just shocks me the pain and the grief.

I'm 36, my mam was 67..she was so fit and healthy and then just died. The last time I saw her was Christmas Day.

It's just rubbish.. I feel like day to day it's ok as I'm just living my normal life but omg I just want to ring her, talk to her, laugh with her, hug her..

I miss her so so so much.

Sending you so much love.

I'm so sorry op. I understand the pain and the feeling of so this is it forever.
I lost my mum 5 weeks ago.
I'm in shock.
I'm sad, I'm everything and nothing.

It's unimaginable.
I hope that you can find some peace with counselling.

It's just not fucking fair. I know

💐💐❤️

I lost my mum when i was 20, she was 48.
8 months is perfectly normal to be struggling like you are, but her not being around will come to feel "normal" eventually.