Can't stop crying how are you supposed to live without your mum? Forever?

[justneedmymum]

I think I'm going to vomit or pass out, I just can't stop crying and keep getting waves of nausea and dread.

It has been over 8 months since my mum died and I just can't figure out how this is it now forever? I am in my 30's she was in her 50's and there is too long left without her?

Waiting for genetic testing to come back to see what risk I have for the same cancer that killed her so I suppose there is a reasonable chance I won't live that long myself which is a whole other thing but even the thought of 10 more years without my mum is unfathomable.

Honestly don't think I'm ever going to be okay again, not really.

How did you manage when you had no parents left? How do you cope with feeling cut off and isolated if you don't have much other family? I have 2 other family members left who I'm close enough to ring for a chat every week or so but we live in three different countries now. See them a couple of times a year.

I feel so adrift.

Grief is just love that has nowhere to go.

I don't recall who said this but just wanted to send something positive. I'm so sorry for your loss

So sorry you have lost your Mum. It is still very early days for you at the moment. You never get used to not having your mum but you do manage to find a way to cope. I was in my early 20s when my mum died and 3 decades later i still think "i must tell my mum " little things that happen or what someone has said and then i realise i can't pick up the phone and call her. When i am ill i still cry for my mum. These things never go away but will learn to forge away through the hurt and the grief.

Oh sweetheart, losing your mum is the most painful, emotional journey you’ll ever go through in my opinion. I lost my lovely mum 7 years ago and it’s still so painful at times, but that constant, overwhelming, unbearable pain has now subsided. I truly believe you never get over a loss so big, but you do learn to live alongside it. You are forever part of each other and that love will live on and never ever die. Sending hugs x

Aw OP I'm 43 now but I was 22 when I lost my mum- she was 53. I promise you the pain does ease but I will always miss my mum.

It will get better eventually. My mum was 31 when she died suddenly from an epilepsy episode I was only 4 and I witnessed her death. But did not have a clue what was happening. She has been gone 26 years next week. I miss her every day and I am jealous of all the people who got to make memories with their mum. My dad walked out on me 6 months after she passed and I lived with my grandparents (mums parents) I had lots of love from them and a brilliant upbringing. I am a mum myself to two gorgeous children and I do find things hard as I miss my mum to talk to as sometimes I don't think my grandma understands as she isn't with the modern times very old fashioned.

I'm so sorry my love. It's an absolute shit show. My dear dad died 18 years ago I was kinda ok. My beauty of a ma died last year. I received a call at work saying you need to get to the hospital now. She had never smoked or drank or ate meat but was diagnosed with lung cancer breast cancer pancreatic cancer bronchiectasis kidney failure. And died within 3 weeks. I had to sit in mtd meetings sign forms arrange a funeral wash and dress her and get the kids to school and go to work. I am utterly broken and will never ever be the same again. Part of me died too. This isn't about me. I am simply sharing my experience with you and only you. Take care my love and go easy on your self. X

She was 66 and got her 1st pension whilst on her death bed. Was looking forward to retirement and travelling. I say, live your life drink eat and do what the hell you want.

Sending strength to you. I lost my mum in my 30s, she was in her 50s, I miss her every single day, especially as I now have a son she never met. A good friend told me: every day it eases a tiny, tiny bit, but sometimes reverses, until eventually you live alongside the grief and it becomes a manageable part of you. I promise this. She will always be there x

@PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic your post has resonated with me. I've lost both parents but have just lost my brother and it's the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

Okay I'm starting to get a little scared. I made a cup of tea and watched some comedy to try to distract myself as my eyes and nose are raw from crying.

Laughing and laughing, almost uncontrollably but okay sometimes that can happen when you find something amusing - and then some switch flicked in my brain as I thought how much my parents would have laughed at this particular sketch too and suddenly crying and crying again.

I've stopped now as it seemed so weird, is this a sign of something wrong with me or can grief do something like this?

Is there something wrong with my emotions?

Not at all, grief can make you a little crazy.

Thank you for sharing all your own stories, it is wonderful to hear about the amount of love still there for people we have lost.

It is soothing to feel connected to people who understand.

Thank you, it was very unsettling. I have literally never laughed and sobbed at the same time like that before.

I also find now i am nearer to the age I remember her at, I see glimpses of my mum in myself sometimes and that's lovely. It's wonderful to feel that someone you love and respect is still a part of you and lives in a little in that way.

Sounds like you got a little hysterical OP, which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances. There’s nothing wrong with you 💕
*sorry I think you call it PBA now

@justneedmymum I'm glad you reached out and feel a bit comforted.

It’s terrible that you have lost your mum when you’re in your 30s and her being so young but remember good times, how much you loved each other and that she saw you grow up into the person that you are today.

The first year is the worst, every anniversary. I used to have deliberate planned wallows when I played all her favourite music and had a big massive cry.
After 5 years it is manageable. After 10 it is background news but still think of her every day.

Sending condolences 💐I lost my mum over 30 years ago when I was in my early 20s. It gets bearable and I am lucky that I have my Dad, brother and aunt (mum’s sister). When my mum died, my grandmother ( her mother) was still alive and I was very close to her.
There are times when a thoughtless comment from someone hits me very hard, even now. I opt out of all Mother’s Day emails even though I have my own DC.

I also lost my mum almost seven years ago. Same thing, very little family and she was my only parent. I still grieve actively.

I was told a few helpful things, one is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I ordered a bunch of books and asked questions like how long will it take for me to not feel like this? As an academic I thought somehow I would get the answers that way. It seems silly now. I was incredibly close with my mum and had a lot of guilt because I lived so far away from her (for my career), always expected she'd get old and come and live with me.

Perhaps the most helpful thing I learned is something someone else on this thread has said too -- while your parent is not living, your relationship with them does not end. You know them so well that it continues in your head. You long for them, and long to see them, but you can still talk to them, and, crazy though it may sound, if you’re amenable to that line of thinking, they can talk back in a way, through you, and your relationship continues and will never end. I find this comforting. My relationship with my mum will live as long as I do. I will never be without it.

I remember the feeling of eight months in - like trying to walk through life underwater without being able to move or see properly, bits of seaweed slapping you in the face, heavy limbs. The acute phase of how can I live like this, this will pass, I promise you, because you will live like this. I am so so so sorry for what you are going through now. I don't know if it will help but I bet you most of us who've posted on this thread have or are shedding a tear for you, as well as for their own loss of a parent and maybe you can feel that care for you, coming over the "airwaves."

Hugs.

You'll be okay. I have no living parents after losing my mum a few years ago when I was 30. I'm mostly sad that my DD has no family on my side & like others I feel I have no 'grown ups' to check things with. I think it's unusual 8 months on to still be non-stop crying though - maybe you need some further support? My friend was diagnosed with complicated grief when she lost a relative suddenly & had bereavement counselling which really helped. Have u got back into the swing of life? Work? Days out? The only way forward is through. Sorry for your loss, I truly know how terrible it is but you have to live.

Yes, I love the hello message, funily enough today's song was Herb Albert's "Taste of Honey" transported me right back to the 1960's with a younger version on my mother. 😍

My mother died when I was 17, she never saw my h or my children, it's been over 40 years now and after so long now I sometimes have trouble remembering her face, makes me feel teribly guilty that, I have pictures but her final years in her early 50's is not necessarily the face I see now, sometimes it is her in a younger version, the mind plays these games.

I'm so sorry op, it is hard, losing that unconditional love but time will ease things, but not at the moment, it's so raw for you, I hope you have other support. So many stages for you to go through and then there will be others who just don't understand, you will experience it all but...

She will never leave you, she will live on through you, remember her...

She is you.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mum nearly 16 years ago and I have never ever got over it. There's not a day since that I haven't missed her and even now, I sometimes go to ring her when something has happened. I have just had to learn to live with it but I don't know if it's ever got easier because I wish she was here for so many things, particularly when DC do something for instance. I found comfort in going to see a reputable medium not so long after she'd passed but I appreciate not everyone is a believer, my DH included, and it's very much an individual thing to do.

There are lots of Instagram pages and resources for people like us which helps me feel less alone.

Try Instagram pages like thegriefgang or motherlessdaughters, I really resonated with their posts.

Just to say, I totally understand you. Most days I think of my beloved Mum and miss her dreadfully for a moment, but these days it passes because.... just because it has to.

I loved her and I lost her, but she is always with me in a way - the memories I have of her, the funny things we shared I will never forget, the love and support she always and unconditionally gave to me, the wise things she knew (I didn't always realise they were so wise at the time.)

Lately I have started to carry this loss forward - I am very close to both my daughters, and I simply don't know how they will bear the grief when I die (I am in my 60s)

But... I am not unhappy all day long, and nor will they be, and nor will you be, one day.

There is no easy reply. If we loved and were close to our mothers, as we were lucky to be (not everyone has this luck) then we will find their loss incredibly hard to bear.