Can't stop crying how are you supposed to live without your mum? Forever?

[justneedmymum]

I think I'm going to vomit or pass out, I just can't stop crying and keep getting waves of nausea and dread.

It has been over 8 months since my mum died and I just can't figure out how this is it now forever? I am in my 30's she was in her 50's and there is too long left without her?

Waiting for genetic testing to come back to see what risk I have for the same cancer that killed her so I suppose there is a reasonable chance I won't live that long myself which is a whole other thing but even the thought of 10 more years without my mum is unfathomable.

Honestly don't think I'm ever going to be okay again, not really.

How did you manage when you had no parents left? How do you cope with feeling cut off and isolated if you don't have much other family? I have 2 other family members left who I'm close enough to ring for a chat every week or so but we live in three different countries now. See them a couple of times a year.

I feel so adrift.

My heart goes out to you and just sending you a big hug and it is still very early days for you since your mum passed. I lost my lovely mum 12 years ago and the 1st year or 2 is the hardest. It did not hit me straight away but then really floored me as we were also very close and she was my best friend and could talk to her about anything and I never judged her like other family members did. But remember this there will be a time that you will be able to laugh about memories and probably cry at the same time and it is good to talk about her and write about her and remember her and the good times. Just try to take each day as it comes and do not think that far ahead or you will go mad. The years fly by and just today I was thinking of my mum and my heart felt so heavy and would love to have her here to see my son growing up and to talk to her about the good and bad times as we always supported each other.
If things feel really hard please do talk to your doctor as grieving can be very hard on some people especially if like me you are very sensitive and maybe you may need short term antidepressants just to lift your mood for a bit. Maybe you won't but just keep it in mind. Try to take a short walk daily and do something that makes you happy and meet up with people who make you happy or get a dog if you do not have one as my dog is amazing.
There is no one like your mum and nothing ever prepares you for it in life and it is horrible but the grieving process takes time and unfortunately we have to go through the painful journey but you will smile again and be happy even though you will always have her in your heart and thoughts and she would not want you to be sad. Big hugs xx

I'm so sorry. The pain will get better.

I'm so sorry. The same thing is about to happen to me. My dad is already dead and my mum is terminally ill with not long left. I won't have any family if my own meaning children. My sister and I don't get on.

It's easier for me as we had a difficult relationship. She wasn't especially supportive to me most of my life she was never an adult I could turn to for help. Full of judgment of me. But she's still my mum and its a weird feeling knowing soon I'll never see her again

Oh op,I'm so so sorry.
I lost my mum when I was 23 and that was 27 years ago.
She never met my husband or children or my brother's children.
I don't think we have ever fully come to terms with it but time does make it easier to bare.
Be kind to yourself but it's a bumpy road.

I’m so sorry for your loss. For those of us who were lucky enough to have lovely mums, their loss is a huge one. I was in my mid thirties when my mum died. She was too young and I was too young, but we had longer than some get so I’m grateful for that.

My dad died the same year and it was an horrendous time for a while there. I’m ten years on and I’m not quite the same person now. My life feels divided into the before and after. I feel a desperate longing for them sometimes, especially when I see women in their mid 70s (as my folks would be now) out having lunch with teenage/young adult granddaughters, or I see women ten years older than me out with their mums. It hurts and I sometimes want to shout ‘It’s not fair!’ There are often things I want to tell her; especially stuff about the kids and what they’re doing in their lives. And if you’re ill or low or struggling, sometimes you just want your mum.

But my life has grown around my grief. I still want to get out of bed in the mornings. The world has taken on a different shape, but I still experience joy, albeit more fleetingly and infrequently than I used to. And I do laugh and make plans and look forward to things.

It’s such early days for you still. Cry and wail when you need to. Look after yourself as best you can and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 💐

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Just wanted to send you a big hug 🌸

My mum died of breast cancer and my dad killed himself when I was a young adult. My other mum (stepmum) was no support at all.

Unfortunately, the only way to keep going is to keep putting one foot in front of the other (even if all you can do is take tiny baby steps). It would be nice if there was actual support but my experience was that there wasn't.

I found it helped to get the DNA test to deal with the shadow hanging over my head (I didn't have the faulty BRCA gene, woo hoo). It helped to spend some days completely wallowing in sorrow and letting myself be sad and lament the unfairness of the situation, surrounding myself with people who "got it" and distancing myself from those who didn't. It helped to spend some days just grabbing life and going out and doing ridiculous things at short notice like climbing a mountain (obviously with the correct equipment, fitness level and experience), or writing a book, or doing anything at all to make me feel like life was meaningful.

Some days I just needed to sit with the grey future by drinking lots of tea and watching crap on the TV.

It takes a bloody long time to come to terms with a loss so profound and untimely. There's no set path that you can take to feel less shit about it.

I'm still not completely over it. My grandfather died recently and it's dragged everything back up again. It's hard to think people so full of life and thoughts and feelings and ideas can be gone. It also changed my understanding of the world and drove me to find more meaning and purpose in life.

So sorry for you OP!! I lost my Mum when I was 25 and she was 59. Even now 37 years on - I still wish I could pick up the telephone and have a chat with her.
You will always miss your Mum but it does get easier and you will go through all the emotions attached with losing a loved one and not always just once!! My Mum went with an asthma attack - she was there and I was talking to her on the phone one evening and a few hours later she was gone.
You can self refer yourself to Talking Therapies who will help you process your feelings and emotions around your massive loss (and this service is free). I only wish it had been around when my Mum went.
Believe it or not - I have only just really processed my own feelings recently - as at the time my daughter was a toddler, I was working, supporting a lazy DH, running a home and trying to save (pointlessly) a difficult relationship.
I hadn't realised that I had suppressed my emotions because I had to get on with life.
You will get on and live your life but do get help and support as soon as you can. Cyber-hugs!!

Oh sweetheart, it’s brutal. I lost mine within six months of each other and I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is that the world’s never the same after you lose your mum and you never get over it, you get used to it. It’s nearly eight years since mine died. The waves of grief get weaker and less frequent but they always come. Grief is the price we pay for love. 💐

Hi OP,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. My heart breaks for you. Do you have a partner or children?

I am so sorry for your loss. The thing that helps me is the believe that my mum is all-ways with me. She is forever part of me and around me. She is not gone, gone. I bet you look like your mum, maybe you have her mannerisms, her smile or the way you talk. She is part of you. You ll hear a song, smell something, see sthg or find something that reminds you of her, take it like a message from mum, she is saying hello. The best way to honour her is to live your best live, make her proud.

Hi OP. So sorry to hear this, sending you support and hugs.
My parents are old now and it’s something that runs through my head daily. I’m so close to them and cannot imagine life without them. I do have a step brother but as he’s now estranged I’m alone with it, no other siblings.
I wish you strength and hope you feel supported here on this thread.
Thinking of you 🌹

I lost my dad to cancer as a late teenager. My wonderful stepdad whom I adore, my sister and my lovely friend are all terminally ill. I'm afraid that life is tough. Unfortunately, with my dad it took about 4 years to come to terms with the loss. I have since read that that's fairly standard. The journey is not linear but does gradually get easier over time. The 6-12 month part was the hardest for me as I was trapped between wanting time to heal and not wanting to put the distance of time between us. As for your fears re cancer, I think that you are being overly pessimistic. Firstly many are not hereditary. Secondly cancer treatments are moving at a great pace. Do you have your own family/partner/children? Do you have any pets? We've recently got a puppy and he has really helped inject some much needed relief and joy into my life. Planning holidays and activities can help. Also self refer to the NHS for anxiety or depression help. They do a great online 6 week course which has really great practical tips for managing mood. Also you might benefit from a local bereavement support group.

You ll hear a song, smell something, see sthg or find something that reminds you of her, take it like a message from mum, she is saying hello.

I love this. Thank you. I’ll never forget it.

I’m so sorry 💐

I lost my mum very suddenly when I was 27. It’s just awful. OP is your grandmother still alive? We found a lot of comfort from each other.

My mum was 58, I was 33 with a tiny baby. I completely understand. And we weren’t even as close as i would like but we’d just started to get closer. It’s just not fair, it’s not.

You do find a way to cope. Humans do. Its the human condition. But I found therapy really helpful. I love it, actually. It makes me feel heard, valued, loved actually.

I’m so, so sorry for you, op.

I’m not surprised you feel this way OP. When you have had a loving mum the loss must be immense and I can’t imagine the pain you must be experiencing. The only advice I can offer (and I know it’s easy for me to say) but try to think what your mum would be thinking if she could see you so sad right now? She would have wanted you to be happy and enjoying life because she was a loving mum who loved you which is why you are feeling her loss with such sadness.

Life can be so cruel.

I am so sorry. It's horrible. I lost my Mum 23 years ago,suddenly, from a stroke. She cooked us Sunday lunch and was dead by bedtime. Such a shock. I still 'talk' to her most days. The only way I got through it was to remember that she would have wanted me to live and enjoy my life. Not spend the rest of it in misery.

I sincerely hope things ease for you soon.

I'm so sorry your mum has died. It is never easy and yours was very you g really. You will begin to cope better than this - time makes a difference to how raw it feels. I have not had a day since my mam died 9 years ago when I have not thought about her numerous times.
I am an only child and have some cousins on the other side of the world who are much older than me and a cousin in London. It is very difficult. No one, apart from my cousin in London, remembers my parents well now. DH knew my mam but only as a much older mam, not when I was a child.
I looked after her when she was ill-the consultant told me she had a year left- and it was such a privilege. My dad died a long time ago, 24 years ago, very suddenly and there was no preparation. But I had that time with my mam and we were so close. They were older when I was born so she was older than your mum. She had a heart condition and kidney failure but, although she was frail in that time she was very much herself- cheerful, chirpy, cheeky. We had little routines between us that were very affectionate and there was nothing left unsaid.
The night she died she was very cheerful and it was not expected. She simply fell asleep in hospital. I had a strange feeling about it though and came home from visiting sobbing telling DH I was not going to see her again. She said things to me when I left that suggested she thought so. The phone rang in the middle of the night - it was the sister on the ward to tell me. I was quite calm but cried all day the next day.
Even now, I feel lost without her at times. There are times I get quite weepy even now. I can't bear the thought of never seeing her and my dad ever again. But you have times where you get on and don't think about it in that way, and you remember better times and happy things. I often have a little chuckle when I remember her ways and things she said and did, my dad too.
Your mum won't ever leave you. She's part of you, 50% of your DNA. She made you who you are. She has given you the strength you need to cope and you will. It takes time but I promise you will start to feel more balanced and more able to manage your emotions. You won't forget and it will hurt but it won't be as raw and you'll think about her in happier, more comforting ways.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and personal understandings of grief. It is comforting. I am sorry for everybody else who has experienced profound loss, the pain is so hard to endure.

I'm so sorry.

Your relationship with your Mum isn't gone, it is there in your grief and tears. Every time you miss her she is there in your heart.

My own Mum and I had decades together until I decided I couldn't bear her in my life. She is a loveless woman. Conversely, my own children are loving and wonderful so I am blessed.

I’m sorry. It does get easier. I lost mine when I was 15, and she was 54.

I went through a terrible period of grief with my older sister who died in her 20s. I was completely fked for a long time, honestly. I remember going out drinking then running into the bathroom for a cry every 20 minutes, it was awful. I was so depressed & felt so lonely. So many triggers, all the time. She was my rock. 8 months is nothing, it feels like you'll feel this way forever, you won't. The pain won't go away but it becomes manageable over time. I went from crying every day for a year or so, so once every few days, then a few times a month etc. It does get easier. My heart goes out to you OP, because I know how badly grief can totally shatter your core. You will be ok.

I had a loss that really affected me. I understand how hard it is, honestly it's like waves. Missing them will never go away you just adjust to coping with it. I got comfort form the book Tiny, Beautiful Things by Cheryle Strayed who actually lost her mother at a young age, I still go back to it when I have those moments.