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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't stop crying how are you supposed to live without your mum? Forever?

177 replies

justneedmymum · 06/10/2023 19:36

I think I'm going to vomit or pass out, I just can't stop crying and keep getting waves of nausea and dread.

It has been over 8 months since my mum died and I just can't figure out how this is it now forever? I am in my 30's she was in her 50's and there is too long left without her?

Waiting for genetic testing to come back to see what risk I have for the same cancer that killed her so I suppose there is a reasonable chance I won't live that long myself which is a whole other thing but even the thought of 10 more years without my mum is unfathomable.

Honestly don't think I'm ever going to be okay again, not really.

How did you manage when you had no parents left? How do you cope with feeling cut off and isolated if you don't have much other family? I have 2 other family members left who I'm close enough to ring for a chat every week or so but we live in three different countries now. See them a couple of times a year.

I feel so adrift.

OP posts:
WizardOfAus · 06/10/2023 23:22

I hear you, OP. Sending my condolences. Flowers

Dolly567 · 06/10/2023 23:24

Crying reading these, one for everyone's pain, two for my cousin who passed at 28 to cancer leaving her two young boys and then my mum who lost her mum to covid.
All the headache and pain 💔

LadyPenelope68 · 06/10/2023 23:29

Sending my heartfelt love to you. As @Rainbow978 said, it’s soul destroying ☹️ My Mum passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 23 months ago and I’m still utterly devastated and just don’t know how to carry on some days. My Dad died several years prior to this and I’ve never had much of a relationship with my Sister, but this has deteriorated dramatically whilst dealing with my Mum’s estate.

mauveiscurious · 06/10/2023 23:35

I lost my Mum before Christmas last year. She had dementia, so the Mum who I knew my whole life was only really present late 2019. During Covid and a particularly horrible set of circumstances she lost her mind.

The week she died, she was unrecognisable to who she ever was. My lovely stylish Mum.

A few nights after she passed, I dreamt she came out of a crowd towards me. She was smiling as as she was. I will love her forever. I want to remember her as she was.

It will take time to heal but now and again you will have a powerful memory of her and it will bring you back to her again.

mauveiscurious · 06/10/2023 23:38

ApplesinmyPocket · 06/10/2023 23:18

Just to say, I totally understand you. Most days I think of my beloved Mum and miss her dreadfully for a moment, but these days it passes because.... just because it has to.

I loved her and I lost her, but she is always with me in a way - the memories I have of her, the funny things we shared I will never forget, the love and support she always and unconditionally gave to me, the wise things she knew (I didn't always realise they were so wise at the time.)

Lately I have started to carry this loss forward - I am very close to both my daughters, and I simply don't know how they will bear the grief when I die (I am in my 60s)

But... I am not unhappy all day long, and nor will they be, and nor will you be, one day.

There is no easy reply. If we loved and were close to our mothers, as we were lucky to be (not everyone has this luck) then we will find their loss incredibly hard to bear.

❤️

Happilyobtuse · 06/10/2023 23:40

My heartfelt condolences to you. I lost my father when I was 22 years old and it literally broke my heart. Losing a parent is never easy and it really changes you as a person, you are never the same again. Please surround yourself with friends and family who understand. Talk about the good times and try your best to remember that your mum would only want you to be happy! Big hugs, take care!

Angrymum22 · 06/10/2023 23:45

So sorry to hear you’ve lost your mum OP.
I lost my mum when I was 32 and she was 55. I still tear up at times, mainly moments that I know she would have loved to have been present for. She missed all our weddings and the birth of all her grandchildren. I never feel sad about her loss but always about the experiences she lost.
I had a tough time after her death, I had suffered a miscarriage a couple of months before she died and it had been hard to cope through her terminal illness (cancer). I remember being able to hold it together during the week with work as a distraction but dreaded the weekends when I had to think about everything. Even now when I drive down a certain stretch of road I fill up and often weep, it’s 27 yrs since my DM died.
I haven’t lived a life of grief though. The arrival of children was a gift and both my DM and DF ( who died 8yrs after DM) live on in our children. My niece is like my DM, but my DS is my dad reincarnated.
Life has been different without them but it is our norm.
We talk about them now with joy not tears and the children grew up loving hearing the tales of our childhood and our parents.
Their loss was immense, it doesn’t go away but you learn to live again without them.
Whenever I used to get upset I’d imagine what my mum would have said “you can’t change what has happened but you can change how you go forward”. She would have been very upset if we had stood still, so I know it’s ok to laugh and enjoy life after her death. She would have been so happy that we have all lived our lives to the full and have tried our best not to look back.

46mumof6 · 06/10/2023 23:48

I was 20 when I lost my dad, he was 60. My mum died just over 2 years later when I was 23. I'm now 47. He was horrible being an orphan, I had a husband and children but I still felt alone. In time it will get easier, you will never get over it and there will be something always missing in your heart.💔

I have now been alive longer without parents than with and I always think what would they think of the life I have built for myself? I have 6 children, none of them remember either of my parents which is sad.

Keep talking about her, cry, shout, be silent whatever you need to do to cope. There is no time limit in grief everyone is different.

One day you will be able to smile at the memories you gave of your mum with out crying.

Hugs to you ❤️❤️

Desiredeffect · 06/10/2023 23:49

I lost my mum in 2006 when I was 30 and my dad died in 2012 and I have no other close family. I just get on now and accept the fact its hard and I'll never see them again. But it bloody hurts so much and was the most upsetting time ever. Time is a good healer and does help but times it comes back and I cry my eyes out

BridgetRandomfuck · 06/10/2023 23:56

I’m sorry, OP - I lost my mum when I was 20, I still think loads about her now I’m 44, it’s not something that goes away, but you learn to live with it. There’s obviously the key life events where she’s missing - my mum never met my DH, never knew what career I had. I don’t have children, but I know my sister who has two feels the loss of Grandma acutely. I still have dreams about her which I find comforting - only the other night where I hugged her and she was older like my grandma. Strange, but also reassuring. It’s a primal wound, but also something that everyone goes through eventually, people will catch up to you. Sending you much love x

1Hazel1 · 07/10/2023 00:01

I am 12 years from where you are now and it does get easier, so much easier I promise xx

DreamTheMoors · 07/10/2023 00:26

Losing your mum is the worst and I’m so very sorry, @justneedmymum

She loved you more than life itself. It’d break her heart to know you were this unhappy.

Sit down, take out some writing paper and a pen and begin writing. Start with the very first memory you have of her. Write of the fun times and happy times and scary times and sad times and angry times.

Write about everything. Remember everything and put it to paper.
I promise you that before you get halfway through your tears will stop — and you’ll have a biography of your life with your mum.

And remember that your mum didn’t raise no sissy. You are your mum’s girl: tough, strong, resilient, beautiful, bold.
Never forget the faith she had in you.
❤️

Cosythere · 07/10/2023 00:28

I have no answers. I'm early 30's and 8 weeks in after losing my DF who I was very close with. Absolutely drowning in grief and struggling with time moving forward. What's worse is the anxiety growing inside me out of fear for my mum. I'm living the worst time on my life right now, but I know it's only going to get worse when I lose my beautiful mum who I love more than life itself.

BlueFlint · 07/10/2023 00:44

I am so so sorry for your loss. 8 months ago is still so new, so raw.

My mum died in her 60s when I was early 30s. It was horrendous in every way.

For the first few weeks I was broken, honestly. Seeing things, completely traumatised by anything that reminded me of the end of her life. I'd say for the first year, she was in the forefront of my mind at all times - everything I said or did was coloured by grief and loss. I felt pretty hopeless.

I promise you - it does get better. You learn to live alongside the grief, to hold it a little more gently. The difficult memories become a bit less sharp, it becomes easier to remember the better times before. Life continues. I had my lovely DC, which has brought up lots of bittersweet feelings. It still hits me so hard sometimes (we're approaching the anniversary and I found myself sobbing on the kitchen floor last night, I still miss her so much five years on). But generally I find I can live my life and find some joy in things again. Which is exactly what she'd want, I think.

Therapy helped me, please consider that as an option if you think it could help you too or if you find yourself feeling stuck in grief down the line. And know that you're not alone, there are so many of us in this shitty club - I wish I could give you a hug.

I read this post on another forum after she died, and I think it did help me, so I'll share it here just in case...

"As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

JennyJenny8675309 · 07/10/2023 01:15

I went through a string of deep losses earlier in my life and somehow reached the point where I don’t feel emotional enough to cry much anymore. The stories on this thread reminded me of those sad years and I am sitting here with tissue box. I’m old enough now to have experienced the loss of parents, aunts, uncles, friends and I’m heading toward my own final chapters. When I’m gone I hope my children remember me fondly as they move on, finding joy in their own lives. We are all here on this earth for a very short time.

Bassetlover · 07/10/2023 02:21

Sending love.
My mum died when I was 16 and my dad died when I was 20 so I get it. Two of my siblings also died young so now there's just me and my older sister. My sister and I really appreciate each other and make an effort to show each other we love each other. I also really appreciate my good friends.
You never get over it but you do learn to cope as time goes on. Don't be afraid to cry or be angry. Don't be afraid to talk about her. Definitely look into bereavement counselling. You will definitely find out who your friends are. I hope you get plenty of support. X

Delphinium20 · 07/10/2023 02:55

I'm so sorry. I lost my mom before her time and it is hard. It just is. You are in a very difficult phase right now.

I saw a grief therapist who really helped. She said in her experience that, outside death of a child (which she said no parent really gets over), that losing a mom you are close to is the next most difficult loss. She said it's harder than a spouse. No idea the stats on this but it helped me understand that my pain wasn't abnormal.

But over time, you get to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore. But it takes time. It can take years...and I am glad the counselor told me to have great patience because it's a long road, but you must keep going and it will all be okay, eventually.

Around year two, I felt pure joy in a moment. It's a crystal clear memory of watching my young DN and DD splash in the water and I realized how long it had been since I felt happy and was so relieved I got that back. Around year 3, I no longer had anger about her death, I no longer had to suppress my resentment of my MIL (it was irrational, I knew, and I truly love my MIL but I carried anger for a long time that she got to be a grandmother and my mom missed it).

Around 5 years I could sense a shift where I could have mostly happy thoughts on her and the pain was rarer and rarer. It's been about a decade now and I no longer have any pain or anguish but I still have loads of memories. I share stories of my mom with my DDs, DH and family. It's pleasant now to think on her. She's still with me in my heart and I love that she's never left me. In fact, her presence is almost as strong now as it was when she was alive. She's as real to me as she was before but I'm living a full and healthy life and I know she'd be happy for me.

Knackeredhamster · 07/10/2023 06:54

Op I posted further up about losing my mum 5 weeks ago.
I just wanted to add that what you said about losing it last night.

Don't be scared of that.
Don't wonder or beat yourself up about that.
It's totally normal to have times when you lose it.

I've read so many things trying to make sense of my feelings, reactions my thoughts.

I read one thing tho that helped me not feel like there's something wrong with me.
Your rational brain is struggling to put this new situation into place.

Your brain says your mum is there, is alive, is at the end of the phone. It's trying to reboot that but at the same time your emotional and spiritual self is not computing this and why would it.
So it's a battle for you psychologically. It's obviously more then on top with the loss the sadness the pain.

I'm not trying to upset you I hope somehow it helps.
I keep questioning myself and how I'm thinking or that I'm doing it wrong.

This is the time to absolutely try and not question your sanity. This is a huge thing that has happened to you, me, everyone on this thread.
I'm getting so much love and care feelings from all who have lost their mum's here.

I know my mum would absolutely not want me to suffer any doubts or self questioning.

It's very early and my post might be a bit crappy English wise. But I just wanted to reach out to you.

To everyone here. Thankyou xxxx 🌹

ilikemethewayiam · 07/10/2023 09:25

Oh OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. To lose her at such a young age is unimaginable. My Mum is in her 80’s but very ‘with it’ and still my best friend. I live in a constant state of dread at the thought of losing her. My dad passed nearly 20 years ago. I would be in a similar position to you as I’m not not close to aunts or cousins and I live 4 hours drive from my bother and sister. I have no words of comfort as I don’t know how it feels to lose a mother at this point. How you describe your feelings right now I would say is normal overwhelming feelings of grief. This is how I imagine I will feel when that dreaded day comes. You will never not miss her but I’m told that you learn to adapt to life without them with time. I can now look at photos of my dad and smile at fond memories even if I still shed some tears. The overwhelming grief does subside in time. Sending a huge hug💐

BIossomtoes · 07/10/2023 09:34

You can’t do grief wrong @Knackeredhamster. Grief does you and it takes us all differently. I remember sobbing in my best friend’s arms on Christmas Day four weeks after I lost my mum. Total meltdown. It’s no exaggeration to say the world changed forever. My only advice to anyone would be to go with the grief and let it take you where it will. Ultimately it’s healing. And it takes much longer than you think it will.

moretimemorelove · 07/10/2023 10:09

justneedmymum · 06/10/2023 22:49

Okay I'm starting to get a little scared. I made a cup of tea and watched some comedy to try to distract myself as my eyes and nose are raw from crying.

Laughing and laughing, almost uncontrollably but okay sometimes that can happen when you find something amusing - and then some switch flicked in my brain as I thought how much my parents would have laughed at this particular sketch too and suddenly crying and crying again.

I've stopped now as it seemed so weird, is this a sign of something wrong with me or can grief do something like this?

Is there something wrong with my emotions?

This sounds totally normal to me OP! I tend to think that every emotion is your mind's way of processing this unfathomable loss.
Toward the end of the first year of losing my mum, I thought I was doing better. I was crying but with bigger intervals (think about once a month instead of every day) and then all of the sudden despite not being a particularly angry person, I just started getting the RAGE over everything. A counsellor helped me to see that was part of grieving too.
So it makes sense to me that crying/laughter are also connected.

For me (although everyone is different) three big things helped me!

  1. Asking myself 'what would mum want me to do? She was always so selfless and pragmatic and because she lost her mum when she was a teenager, she would sometimes say to me, 'when I'm gone, I want you to live a full and happy life'. So sometimes I 'hear' that in my head.
  2. Getting a project and keeping myself busy. I was fortunate because I was just about to start a massive new project (that I was excited about) when my mum died very suddenly. Everything got put on hold for the first couple of months but then little chips of light began shining through and I felt like I could maybe tackle a bit. It really was a massive help to me.

As everyone has said, everyone's different. What works for me might not for you and you shouldn't ever feel like there's a 'right' way to do this. I remember having a big meltdown 18 months after my mum died and beating myself up as I 'should be over this by now'. Dur! A wise friend reminded me that it was very early days and to stop giving myself this weird timeline for recovery.

The main thing is, it sounds like you're processing things plus you're reaching out for help. In time it absolutely will become a lighter load to carry.

Claysta · 07/10/2023 11:54

I lost my mum 4 years ago and could not imagine life without her. It was a sudden death and totally unexpected. Slowly I found a new normal and whilst the grief and disbelief she’s gone is still there, I can now function and know she would want me to carry on. I think of her every day still though and very occasionally dream about her. Life does get easier and you will find a way through it. Sending love xx

ffsrainagain · 07/10/2023 20:01

So sorry for your loss OP. Time helps but it never goes away. My mum died nearly five years ago now. I've had a stressful week and all I did yesterday was sit and cry that I wanted my mum. It comes and goes the level of grief but time does help

Moomieboo · 07/10/2023 20:29

My mum has been gone 8 years now! I promise you it does get easier. I had 3 very young children when she passed away.
I had some counselling too. My mum was diagnosed and died within 8 weeks.

Fir the first 18monthhs, I just pretended she was on holiday.

We keep her memories alive for the children too and she's spoken about most days.

Sending you lots of love x

cptartapp · 07/10/2023 20:42

I lost my DM in a car accident at 69. My DF at 54. I was 44 and both gone.
One brother I never see.
It's hard.