Can't stop crying how are you supposed to live without your mum? Forever?

[justneedmymum]

I think I'm going to vomit or pass out, I just can't stop crying and keep getting waves of nausea and dread.

It has been over 8 months since my mum died and I just can't figure out how this is it now forever? I am in my 30's she was in her 50's and there is too long left without her?

Waiting for genetic testing to come back to see what risk I have for the same cancer that killed her so I suppose there is a reasonable chance I won't live that long myself which is a whole other thing but even the thought of 10 more years without my mum is unfathomable.

Honestly don't think I'm ever going to be okay again, not really.

How did you manage when you had no parents left? How do you cope with feeling cut off and isolated if you don't have much other family? I have 2 other family members left who I'm close enough to ring for a chat every week or so but we live in three different countries now. See them a couple of times a year.

I feel so adrift.

I lost my Mum when she was 36 and I was 8.
I lost my Dad a week after I gave both to DD1. I have no siblings. It is hard.

I don’t know. I wish I had the answers, I lost my dad 18 months ago in my early 30s and I remember distinctly thinking ‘I’m not ready to lose my dad’ but I don’t think you ever really are and I think it’s always sudden even when it’s not.

In many ways I’ve found the second year of grief harder than the first. First year is about survival and I don’t think the totality of death really hit me til the second year. People forget too, they forget, society puts a time stamp on grief ive found, people forget that some horrendous and earth shattering happened to you in the second year and think you’re back to normal.

a few small things I’ve found that help me are finding a way to be close to that person again, for me it’s been reliving childhood memories with my own children, taking them the same place etc and writing, every so often when i have all this emotion and longing to speak to him again, I write him a letter In the back of my note book. I can’t explain why but it’s really helped me

I was abandoned by my mother when I was born. Then I was abused by my adoptive parents as they had a biological child just after adopting me, so didn't care about me much. They gave their biological daughter everything when they died, including two houses and left me nothing.
When my adoptive father used to hit me, I would go to bed crying and dreaming of finding my real mother, thinking she was like the stories of poor women who were forced to give up their children and always hope their children would find them.
Then when I found her she wasn't nice, and I found out she had 5 children adopted, one after the other, with different men.
Then after I found my biological father and was happy he was nicer to me than she was, she demanded I give her all his information, and as I had always wanted to find her I did what she told me. Then she ruined things with my father, saying she told him that he wasn't really my father.

That's to put it short. I've just had to get on with things and try to survive.
I think it would have just been nice to have somebody to care about me when I was born, or have some family who care about me.

I'm so sorry OP. Sending you a huge hug. Take it in little steps, how you are feeling is normal and valid. Maybe you could think about strengthening the relationships you have with the other family members that you mentioned? Relationships can evolve over time and you can shape them how you want to. Also, your lovely mum will be watching over you still xxx

To Knackeredhamster I am so sorry for your loss. You must still be in shock and everything feels surreal, just going through the emotions. Sending you a big hug and be kind to yourself as grieving really hits you like no other pain and no one really understands until you go through it. It is so hard.

Sending love & heartfelt condolences 💗 Would grief Counselling be something you’d consider. Grief never goes away but in time your life grows bigger around it. Look after yourself xxx

It's awful, OP, it really is, but it does get easier. The first year is rough. The second is better. If you are short of other close relatives, it's just desperately lonely because you have lost the only person you could rely on.

It does get better though. It's okay to cry and grieve. Big life events like marriage and babies always have a space where your mum should be, a big gaping hole, but you learn to live without falling through it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 20 years ago when I was 23. It ruined my 20s and has almost divided my life into before and after. It has fundamentally changed me. It does become less awful as time goes on. You will always feel it of course. I remember my mum and think about her every day and carry her around in my head and heart and a lot of the time am able to focus on what a wonderful mum she was, more than anything else. Sending love xxx

So sorry.
I have lost both parents.
I am a mother and I know I would want my kids to be very happy and live their lives to the FULLEST when I am gone!
Praying for you!

So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was 26 and he was 58 I can remember the same feelings. My dad died suddenly no long term illness or anything. It’s been 14 years and I still miss him. It was about 5 years before I stopped having those thoughts when I would see something and think ‘I should ring dad’ and then remember and would feel like losing him all over again.

I talk about him even though it makes me sad he’s gone because I want to remember him and I want my kids to know about him.

it doesn’t really get easier but I think you just get better at coping with it, but it takes time.

OP, I really feel for you. Death of someone you love is really hard. I haven’t lost my mum yet but lost my dad nearly 13 years ago, really suddenly.

After losing him it felt like I had lost the person that kept me stable and grounded (he was really good at listening to my rubbish). I've had to learn a lot about myself and basically redefine who I am. I'm in a much better place now but it takes time.

I try to remember what my dad loved and valued. I've kept it as my life goal to be the person he would be proud of.

So sorry you are going trough this. Not what you want to hear but perhaps need to. I and so many other people (migrants) live some 2000+ km from parents, our relationship is "okay" (not estranged) but obviously is not "real". And I am doing fine. My DH is estranged from his mother since very young age and he is also doing fine. Parents sadly die, children are meant leave - there is no other way. Thats just life.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
In bereavement there’s something called the 6 month dip, I experienced it at 8 months. Like falling into a pit you thought you’d never climb out of.
A few things I found that helped. Some days are for crying, it’s best to cry, get it out. Not every day will be for crying, gradually you’ll have more good days than bad.
You’ll realise you’ve come up from this low before. You can do it again, it will happen.
Writing down how I felt helped.
Joining a bereavement group, in my case a widows group, saved my sanity.
I also read a few books on loss — this isn’t for everyone, I couldn’t read every book I bought but some did help.
Talk about your mum, talk to people who knew her.
Sometimes small rituals help. Your mum’s favourite flowers in the house, or lighting a candle each evening.
It will get easier, I promise. 💐

It’s been 22 years for me. You just kind of carry your mum within you. You try to be to your children what she was to you. I still ask her advice and I thank her and everyone else who I know is looking after me. I feel she’s with me every day 💔 xx

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. It's very tough.
My mum died at 66 when I was 32, and my dad followed 4 yrs later. That was 31 years ago.
I am very lucky that my sister and I are close.
My biggest sadness is that she never knew my DC - she would have been a brilliant cuddly grandma.
OP - you will always miss her, and in time you will think of her with a smile on your face. Please find someone IRL that you can talk to because it really helps.

OP I am so deeply sorry.

My mum died Christmas Day 2020, of covid, alone in hospital and we weren’t allowed to be with her. I have raged and screamed and often considered him I’m supposed to go through the rest of my life (I was in my 30’s when she died) knowing that she was terrified and alone and I couldn’t go to her. If it wasn’t for my children … it all felt so bleak. Sometimes it still does. This 3rd year has felt more gentle on me. I can think of her with fondness and remember happy times and my thoughts of her aren’t always mixed up with her death and my grief now. I always miss her. Always. I’ll never stop and I’ll never be ok with how she died. I tried counselling but I was too angry. It sounds like a cliche but for me, time was what I needed and still need.

I like to think I take her with me - I have items of hers that come with me on holidays and weekends away - she’d often come with us in life so it brings comfort to think she is still with us.

So sorry for your loss. 8 months is not far along at all in the grieving process, be kind to yourself x

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I'm 4 months on having lost my dad suddenly in a car accident. I always thought I'd be pragmatic and practical when the time came, but honestly I'm still shaken with a grief that physically hurts. A long police investigation and not knowing what exactly happened doesn't help either. My dad was my 2 year old's favourite person and it makes me so sad that they are missing out on each other.

Reading other posts has helped me to normalise this feeling, as it seems once the funeral is over everyone goes back to normality and you're expected to be back to yourself, even if it doesn't feel like you'll ever be yourself again. So thank you to everyone for sharing ❤️

I'm in my 40s and my mum was in early sixties lost her last summer.

I'd like to sit here and tell you it gets better , well it sort of does , but it also doesn't I miss my mum everyday and struggle without her and miss her every single day.

Condolences to you.

My Mum passed away suddenly on September 20th.. it's very hard. I really miss her now & just want her back. In my late teens/ 20s we weren't too close but grew closer after that so we usually phoned each other every day... so now I think of things I must tell her but I can't tell her.
I miss her calling in to see me. At first I couldn't sleep at all but now I can't stop wanting to sleep and block it all out.

You're so so kind to post to me thankyou with all my heart.

💐

I was 30. She was 55. I still feel rudderless, and it's been a long time now.

I'm so sorry, OP. 🌷

When my sister died I didn’t know how I could carry on. My mum and dad had already passed away but for some reason this was harder to take. To be brutal I had to just get on with it. I visualised a nice wooden box opened it up put her in it and closed the lid. I haven’t forgotten her but the pain is in that box.

I know that she wouldn’t want my life to be ruined by her death, so I try and live a good and happy life.

It gets easier. At first I thought I would always have to live alongside my sadness but now the pain has gone. Losing your mum when she was young makes it harder but she would want you to be happy.

Sorry about the huge gif..I'm not good with technology