To ask if you’d work or stay home?

[StiffUpperNip]

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

I chose to stay at home because I enjoyed it far more than my job. Others not so much.

When did you start enjoying it, if you don’t mind me asking? As that’s another factor. DD is only tiny (20 weeks) and while she’s obviously delightful, quite a lot of the day is pretty boring.

The advice is always to get ‘out and about’, but I’m not an ‘out and about’ person. I’m a sit and quietly think sort of person. I’ll do the out and about stuff, as it’s good for her. But, I’m a bit worried I’m not enjoying this all as much as I ought to be.

I chose to stay at home and loved that precious time. I wouldnt change a thing. It was fulfilling to me and we made the most of it. Its not fulfilling to everyone though and thats ok too.

You could have all your DC close together to minimise these pre school years, if you want to.

Is there an option to work part time … it gives you the option to then return without a break f/t in the future .

it gives you a bit of independence and some adulting ..gives your baby time to socialise and will make you feel less stressed

In a somewhat similar situation, and I chose to work and have zero regrets. I like my job, and it’s part of what makes me me. I still spend a lot of quality time with my DC.

I was a SAHM for a long time (over 10 yrs) partly choice and partly exH job meant he was away and worked evenings and weekends etc. I have no regrets ans loved the time with the kids.

I went back to retrain when last one started school and since then have worked part time.

I ended up a lone parent and was glad I had my own income to keep my house and get a mortgage.

I.would say as long as you have a back up plan then stay home if that's your first choice.

I chose to stay at home. I picked up investing skills while I was off so I built a passive income from that, so I still feel financially independent and secure. With your family income you can probably do something similar. We have 2 dc and had a 4 year gap as I wanted to give them individual attention during the early years.

I'm very much an "out and about" person and I love keeping the dc busy and I'm never bored. We're in a part of London which is saturated with baby/toddler activities and I keep us busy by working our way through them all.

I don’t ‘need’ to work financially but I love my career and earning my own money is incredibly important to me. I found maternity leave to be incredibly dull so I went back to work when DC was 3 months and I’m certainly a better mother for it.

I’ve found that the time I spend with DC is more precious because I’m not spending all of my time with DC.

It’s just that guys who earn that sort of money tend to start treating you like staff if you don’t have any independence from them. Maybe a year or so, you might get away with it, if he’s not a total dick, but you just watch that power imbalance kick in.

If you’re bored already then I’d go back.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to be dependent long term, and it sounds like you miss work.. I also don’t think it’s especially good for your marriage to have very divided roles.

Can you do it PT? If so then I’d say that is a no brainer

Having been a SAHM for 8 years for financial reasons rather than actual desire I'd say that it's something you need to actively want. It's something that's a privilege if its actually what you want to do. If you enjoy working and do not want to stop then don't. It's hard work being a SAHM to a pre school aged child. And it's lonely and isolating and often frustrating and boring. Of course there's parts that are wonderful too. But you'd have those parts anyway it's not like you'll never see your child if you work! Honestly it's something your heart has to be in to get the wonderful rewards from it some mums get. And good childcare will not harm your child and may even benefit them in some ways.

It depends on your child but staying in and quietly thinking is not possible with a toddler! Babies sleep a lot (well, some do!) and are fairly easy to entertain. Toddlers are a different kettle of fish! I’ve had mine doing the ‘Mummy? … Yes? … Mummy? … Yes? … Mummy? … Yes?’

That isn’t to say you shouldn’t stay home or that it isn’t the best choice for your family but I do think it’s worth bearing in mind that you do get to the point where it’s hard not to get out if only because you’ll go to the toilet to find toddler has scribbled on the walls or gone to the other toilet and thrown an entire loo roll down it or something (waits for the ‘well MY child would NEVER dared do that … responses …)

I've loved being off from the start - baby now 8 months old. But I definitely agree the older they get the more you need to go 'out and about'. I was ill Tuesday so stayed home all day and found it awful, me and baby going stir crazy. I think if you're a sit and think type of person a bit of work might be good for you. A lot of people have recommended 3 days a week of work is a nice amount.

I wouldn’t say I hated maternity leave and I was home for 13 months because we moved abroad and it took me a while to find a job. I love my job, I want to work. I am pretty type A and goal oriented, if I stayed home our house would absolutely immaculate and I’d be a mum who went nuts making 1000 perfect cupcakes for the school bake sale. I think DH and my home split would become very unequal too and that would make me angry.

BUT, I am lucky because I have a “full time” job, earning around £100k that actually only takes me 20 hours/ week most of the year. I also love it, and am good at it and take a lot of pride in that. So I am able to work full time without ACTUALLY working full time. DH also isn’t a prick about earning a lot more than me, finances are fully shared. I also WFH and that definitely allows us to have a good balance. DC dropped off at school about 8:45, picked up at 3:45. If anything she asks to stay longer, so we get a lot of time with her.

I'd work three days a week. For me it's not so much about money, it's about doing something I enjoy, the intellectual challenge, and being able to focus on something else. I'm a much better parent when I'm working.

This Emily Oster quote sums it up for me:

I work because I like to. I love my kids! They are amazing. But I wouldn’t be happy staying home with them. I’ve figured out that my happiness-maximizing allocation is something like eight hours of work and three hours of kids a day. It isn’t that I like my job more than my kids overall—if I had to pick, the kids would win every time. But the “marginal value” of time with my kids declines fast. In part, this is because kids are exhausting. The first hour with them is amazing, the second less good, and by hour four I’m ready for a glass of wine or, even better, some time with my research. My job doesn’t have this feature. Yes, the eighth hour is less fun than the seventh, but the highs are not as high and the lows are not as low. The physical and emotional challenges of work pale in comparison to the physical and emotional challenges of being an on-scene parent. The eighth hour at my job is better than the fifth hour with the kids on a typical day. And that is why I have a job. Because I like it. It should be okay to say this. Just like it should be okay to say that you stay home with your kids because that is what you want to do. I’m well aware that many people don’t want to be an economist for eight hours a day. We shouldn’t have to say we’re staying home for children’s optimal development, or at least, that shouldn’t be the only factor in the decision. “This is the lifestyle I prefer” or “This is what works for my family” are both okay reasons to make choices! So before you even get into reading what the evidence says is “best” for your child or thinking about the family budget, you—and your partner, or any other caregiving adults in the house—should think about what you would really like to do.

I’ve done both and I know that I am happier, more fulfilled, and a better parent when I’m doing something that plays to my strengths. I am a rubbish SAHM.
Now I’m parent to a teen, I have a lot of friends who gave up high-flying careers when their children were born and are now struggling to find something to do that will give them a focus once the nest empties.
On the other hand, you don’t need to work for money so you can afford to take some risks - experiment and explore what you love. It will all add to your experience, skill set, and self knowledge.

Really? That’s a very baseless generalisation .

Can you look at picking up one or two days if you are self employed? Best of both finding a balance :)

I have no regrets from being a SAHM. I like working just fine but I got to share so much with the children. I was never bored because I wouldn't let myself be. I kept busy with outings and projects and made the most of it. Not that some days aren't just plain hard work or don't go well (isn't working like that as well?) but looking back, I think it was best for the family overall. I didn't find it hard to get back into work, though I was then forced to quit to care for a sick older child anyway.

I'd work if I were you. You can earn good money and have what sounds like a decent career. It'll give you security. You can't put a price on that. You never know whats down the road.

i think there is a lot to be said for working part time if you can and keeping your career, if not progressing, at least ticking over.

It can be the best of both world as you can be fulfilled at work and have time with your children, and your children get the benefits of nursery.

however, most importantly, you don’t know whet the futures holds for your relationship or husband’s health and stopping your career makes you very vulnerable should you have to go back to supporting yourself (plus children as well).

My mum thought she would be a sahm /housewife for ever and stopped her career when she had children. My dad suddenly left her after 15 years (mid life crisis) and quite frankly she was screwed as she never got her career back to the level it was. Seeing her go through that made me really try to keep myself as capable of being being financially independent because you never know what happen.

Looking back, it's all about balance, so part time would have been the ideal. Sounds like you have a good thing going on career wise with flexibility which is key with children.

Work, I personally don’t think being a stay at home parent (why aren’t we able to call it what it is, unemployed) sets a good example to children. There are of course exceptions, sometimes a childs additional needs means there is little choice.