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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’d work or stay home?

240 replies

StiffUpperNip · 06/10/2023 00:32

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 06/10/2023 08:26

Your appetite to be a SAHM will depend in large part on your temperament. Some women adore it, others find it very difficult. I personally would have hated it. Horses for courses. But do what you want. A happy mother is infinitely more likely to be a good mother than one who is doing something against the grain. Martyring yourself to someone else's idea of what you should do will not make anyone happy.

You don't have any financial concerns here, which puts you in a great position. As others have said, though, it's extremely risky to be entirely dependent on one partner's income and it can put a lot of strain on a relationship. For that reason alone, irrespective of your feelings about work, I would make sure you don't stop work altogether.

You're in a very enviable position in that you can basically do as much or as little work as you like.

travellingwithatoddler · 06/10/2023 08:28

I'd stay at home. Different circumstances but I'm not planning on working until my son is 16/18+.

IncompleteSenten · 06/10/2023 08:29

I'd work. I've been a sahm and I've been self employed at different points and I definitely prefer to have employment than to be a sahm.

Bankholidayboredom23 · 06/10/2023 08:29

HeddaGarbled · 06/10/2023 01:26

It’s just that guys who earn that sort of money tend to start treating you like staff if you don’t have any independence from them. Maybe a year or so, you might get away with it, if he’s not a total dick, but you just watch that power imbalance kick in.

This

Pokinganose · 06/10/2023 08:30

Work part time. You never get that time back and before you know it, they are at school. If you don't work at all then you are at risk of not being able to get back on the jobs ladder where you want to be at a later date.
Babies are boring but become more interesting as they become toddlers. Imo its not about setting a good example for your dc by working. If you've decided you're not really cut out to be a sahm thats different as not everyone is and you don't know until you're in the situation. Depends on why you had a dc.
Seriously consider whether you want another one though. Its just harder with 2.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 06/10/2023 08:31

I am a sit quietly and think kind of person too.

I had a decent, fulfilling job.

I chose to stay at home and not work with three close together.

Wonderful and bonding as the time was, I very much struggled to feel happy. It took years off me.

I still wouldn't have changed thing if I had my time again.

But it comes at a cost, and not just career related ones.

Can you do part time? Have the best of both worlds?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 06/10/2023 08:41

What career does your DH have where he earns 200k and can work from home and isn’t totally stressed? And how do I do something similar?!

<Misses point of thread>

DuvetsAndDreams · 06/10/2023 08:51

SAHMs and part-time work for mums being lauded as the ideal. So the gender pay gap continues.

fuckssaaaaake · 06/10/2023 08:55

Damn girl, you rich

MammaTo · 06/10/2023 08:55

StiffUpperNip · 06/10/2023 08:12

Oh, thanks everyone! This is really helpful. To address a few points raised:

  • DH does his share of parenting. He took 12 weeks of paternity leave, during which the only thing he didn’t do was breastfeed. He currently wfh two days a week, during which he takes lots of breaks to help me out. When he’s not working, he generally takes the baby and lets me veg. He’s an excellent and keen parent.
  • All our money is joint. Savings, investments, everything. There is no ‘his money’ or ‘my money’. We will be paying into my pension even if I stay home.
  • I’m not massively domestic. Currently, I cook (as I like it), DH does the day to day bits of housework (dishwasher, taking out bins, sorting out kitchen after dinner) and we’ve a weekly cleaner/housekeeper for everything else. This won’t be changing. Being a SAHM, for me, would be about being there for DC, not chores.

I think the suggestions around part time work make a lot of sense. I could start with two days a week and see how I feel?

I think this sounds like bliss.

Im into my 10th month of maternity leave now and the baby is a lot more fun to interact with. I just take him about on my day to day tasks like the shops, visiting family etc and he’s a delight and makes everything fun.

See how you feel after Christmas and new year.

Coffeaddict · 06/10/2023 09:09

DuvetsAndDreams · 06/10/2023 08:51

SAHMs and part-time work for mums being lauded as the ideal. So the gender pay gap continues.

The OP said she wants to stay at home and the family unit has the means to do this.

I'm all for lowering the pay gap but saying a woman ( or man) has to return even if they don't want to is not the way to do it.

DuvetsAndDreams · 06/10/2023 09:30

Coffeaddict · 06/10/2023 09:09

The OP said she wants to stay at home and the family unit has the means to do this.

I'm all for lowering the pay gap but saying a woman ( or man) has to return even if they don't want to is not the way to do it.

Show quote history

It’s almost almost never the man going back part-time though. Always the woman. It’s a no-brainer, he earns more, his employer won’t let him go part-time etc etc. And so it continues.

arintingly · 06/10/2023 09:31

Coffeaddict · 06/10/2023 09:09

The OP said she wants to stay at home and the family unit has the means to do this.

I'm all for lowering the pay gap but saying a woman ( or man) has to return even if they don't want to is not the way to do it.

Show quote history

That isn't the way I read the OP at all!

She sounds to me like she feels she ought to be a SAHM but doesn't want to. Part time sounds ideal.

Doggymummar · 06/10/2023 09:36

I would work now whilst baby is immobile. When they are a toddler that's the time to give up work in my opinion. I used to be a nanny for newborns and didn't really understand why I was needed. Apart from feeding and nappy changes all little babies do is sleep and you can get plenty done around there waking moments. Once they can crawl it's a whole other matter.

Abfab63 · 06/10/2023 09:42

Been a sahm for nearly 3 years. Personally I think working part time 2 days would give you the best of both worlds. You get to spend quality time with your dc for some of the week and then you get the reward of working the rest of the time, whilst your dc also gets to experience nursery which my dc loves.

I hated my job hence quitting. If I enjoyed my career and had put a lot into it id definitely keep something part time.

Being a sahm is nice but it can be a bit mind-numbing and extremely repetitive. I have to get out every day or I'd loose my mind.

5foot5 · 06/10/2023 09:45

travellingwithatoddler · 06/10/2023 08:28

I'd stay at home. Different circumstances but I'm not planning on working until my son is 16/18+.

Wow that's an extreme position. Are there special circumstances which make you think that is for the best?

clarebear111 · 06/10/2023 09:49

HeddaGarbled · 06/10/2023 01:26

It’s just that guys who earn that sort of money tend to start treating you like staff if you don’t have any independence from them. Maybe a year or so, you might get away with it, if he’s not a total dick, but you just watch that power imbalance kick in.

Agree that this is a big risk. Unless you have independent wealth of your own, I would keep your hand in with working where possible.

Anything could happen - your DH could suffer with his health (I sincerely hope that doesn't happen of course!) etc and you would be in what may be quite a vulnerable position.

Do what is best for you and DC.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2023 09:53

If you can do it part time, that would be the best of both worlds.

I’ve never really had the choice as there wasn’t enough money for me to be a SAHM, so I haven’t been in your shoes.

However, I later decided to divorce my exh and then was glad I’d kept my own income and independence.

MrsBobo · 06/10/2023 09:58

@travellingwithatoddler @5foot5

Why is this extreme? She said it was different circumstances, and you don't know them!

Like the PP I am a SAHM, looking after a 3 year old and have a 6 year old in school. I have no plans to return to work when they are both at school. I have some 'side hustles' which are fully tax declared, but I don't get taxed on them. We save so much money with me being at home, cooking and looking for bargains for Christmas etc.

For context I'm a fully certified accountant, very good with money management and after enrolling on a refresher course would be able to jump back into the work force with ease. My eldest also has additional needs, so I need to be around for the foreseeable future.

Until you know an individuals circumstances, you cannot comment. Some women enjoy being SAHM or even Housewifes. And some, like my sister, need a break from the house and kids, and need to return to work.

Whatever floats your boat. Its your own life, you choose.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/10/2023 10:08

@Coffeaddict

The OP said she wants to stay at home and the family unit has the means to do this.

I'm all for lowering the pay gap but saying a woman ( or man) has to return even if they don't want to is not the way to do it.

That's not how I read the OP at all. I got from it that the OP feels that she ought to want to stay at home because its a "privilege" but actually is quite ambivalent about it.

I don't think anyone is suggesting she has to return: a lot of people are suggesting a hybrid approach which gives her the best of both worlds.

wildwestpioneer · 06/10/2023 10:13

I thought I'd want to stay at home, but in reality I couldn't stand it. I initially went back 3 days a week which was perfect when my dd was young, but once she was about 6 I went back full time. I'm so glad I did as my marriage broke down and this meant I was financially independent and could support myself and my dd. Plus it kept my mind busy and active. My dd is a very social lie girl (teenager now) and nursery and child minders didn't do her any harm

Do what's best for you, but also with one eye on the future and protecting you and your dc

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/10/2023 10:18

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/10/2023 10:08

@Coffeaddict

The OP said she wants to stay at home and the family unit has the means to do this.

I'm all for lowering the pay gap but saying a woman ( or man) has to return even if they don't want to is not the way to do it.

That's not how I read the OP at all. I got from it that the OP feels that she ought to want to stay at home because its a "privilege" but actually is quite ambivalent about it.

I don't think anyone is suggesting she has to return: a lot of people are suggesting a hybrid approach which gives her the best of both worlds.

That's how I read it too. Like because her husband is a high earner, she should want to stay at home because she doesn't ''need'' to work.

Earning my own money is great and is a reason why I work but it's also because I enjoy it and it's a shame that it often isn't a positive thing for a woman to enjoy her career because it is always thrown out there that staying home is a 'privilege'.

Earning my own money enjoying the career I worked incredibly hard for is the privilege in my eyes.

Siameasy · 06/10/2023 10:23

I’d stay at home or work part time. I think it would be best for the kids and for you.

Bature · 06/10/2023 10:24

£450 a day is £117,036 a year. It seems like most posters aren’t doing the maths. It’s hardly insignificant. Half of that isn’t insignificant.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/10/2023 10:28

Siameasy · 06/10/2023 10:23

I’d stay at home or work part time. I think it would be best for the kids and for you.

How can you know what's best for the OP better than she does? Or for her kids, for that matter.

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