To ask if you’d work or stay home?

[StiffUpperNip]

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

Can you go part time?
it’s a worry at 5 months you’re already saying baby is boring as a lot of people do the whole 12 maternity leave and don’t want to go back.
I’m very very part time. DS nearly 2 and we are trying for another. Sometimes I get lonely for adult company, but I take DS out somewhere even if the park once a day. I miss adult company, someone to talk back as DS is just starting to talk, I’ve never found it boring being with him and I think myself truly blessed I can earn some money (not loads) and spend day times at home watching him grow up.

Part time was definitely the best option for me. And if dh is a high earner you can afford hello fresh, gardener, cleaner etc to keep things ticking over.

We’re just behind you and I’m definitely not feeling like I’m enjoying it much but I’m assured it does get better/easier/more fun the bigger they get!!

Also contemplating whether I should go back to work or not….. as our circumstances have changed so I could not go back if I wished….. I’ve opted to take the year off so I have a while yet but I’m thinking the same as you!!

Just came to say, whatever decision you make it's not set in stone! You can take an extra year off and see how it goes. Or you can plan to take 5 and get sick of it and go back after 3.
I work part time and enjoy it, but would probably quit if we had a comfortable income without my contribution. I did get to take an extra year at home when DS1 was 6 and DS2 was 2 and loved it.

I think the very crux of being a good feminist is being able/feeling free to be able to make that decision based on your feelings alone. Zero judgement.
In the real world I know not as easy but that’s what we’re all striving for, right?!
If you can work on a consultancy basis, being self employed, I’d stop working and give yourself 6-12m to see how you feel.

It isn't a worry because people are different, including mothers. Some enjoy a long maternity leave, some don't because they simply dislike the baby stage and enjoy it more once their babies are older.

Many people saying they enjoy it doesn't always make it true either since mothers are far more likely to be judged if they say they aren't enjoying it for whatever reason.

A long maternity leave isn't for everyone and that's fine.

i would work part time. Realistically, if is hard to keep two high flying careers going.
But I wouldn’t give up work - I enjoy it, it gives me space, something else to talk about other than kids, financial independence, a pension.
should anything happen to shake up the status quo it is often the women who struggle financially

Could you do part time? If you're already no loving it 100% maybe you won't be into being a sahm. When I had mine I wanted nothing more than to stay with dd, but I had to work (I was pretty senior, also have 2 post grads), then I had my second and was able to stay at home and absolutely loved every second. Now I'm starting to work again as they're both at school but wish I could do less hours. If you're not 100% into being sahm try to keep some work going maybe?

I have two post grad degrees too, and became a stay at home mum for 7 years whilst both my children were young and husband worked, went back to work part time (new position on career break returner scheme with Daphne Jackson Trust) when youngest went to pre-school.
Best decisions I ever made! Now back in fulfilling career , still part time even though youngest is now at high school. More career break returner schemes are starting (if thats what you decide) , a school mum I know is helping to run one in the arts.
Whatever you decide, good luck, you'll know what's right for you and your family 💐

Hmm I’ve either worded it badly or what I’ve meant has been misinterpreted.
I mean a worry for the OPs mental health. As in, something needs to change. The fact I asked could OP work part time I thought showed the fact I was understanding not everyone can stay at home all day….

Congratulations on your baby! I remember feeling similarly to you, a bit same-samey at around 6 months with my first baby. Then really enjoyed 6-12 months. I felt quite torn at first being back at work but then I loved the freedom. If I were in your position, I’d be tempted to work 3 days per week. It gives you a mental break from the baby stuff, lets you experience some tangible freedom and breathing space. Plus, you still spend the majority of your time with your little one. Everyone’s different but I know a lot of mums who appreciate the time with their baby so much more once they’re back at work.
Hope you manage to find the right balance for you. Please don’t pressure yourself too much either way.

Hmm I’ve either worded it badly or what I’ve meant has been misinterpreted.
I mean a worry for the OPs mental health. As in, something needs to change. The fact I asked could OP work part time I thought showed the fact I was understanding not everyone can stay at home all day….

I’ve gone back to work 4 days a month ago when she was 11 months. This is because I had to.
If we could afford it I would stay at home. I hate leaving her, especially now she has her own personality and is doing more. I do enjoy being me again and just mummy though so it’s tough.

Would it be possible you just work 2 days a week? Or just every now and then, so you get some “old normal” as well as being at home more?
Don’t feel guilty it’s whether ever you decide, And remember that you can always change your mind either way.

Absolutely loved staying at home with my children and investing in their early years and development…wasn’t the slightest bit interested in laundry or cleaning 😆

now they are at uni/alevels I’m so glad that as a family we had the slow paced time together and I really believe it gave them strong confident foundations

I’m shot of my ex and am delighted I’ve got my own career. He has contributed nothing and left us to our own devices.

Working also helps you keep a sense of self which you can easily lose as a parent.

I think because most "unemployed" mothers/fathers can see the benefits of not being palmed off full time on uninterested nursery workers/ nannies during one of the periods that their brain is most plastic (ie malleable).

If I was you, OP, I’d be working just enough to keep myself employable in future and keep up my pension contributions to same level as if you were working full time. So, say, 3 days a month.

If you do that then you’ve covered yourself financially for the future. It sounds like you’re in the ideal position to do this.

Choose what works best for you and your family. Don’t feel guilty about working very low hours. But, equally, don’t feel guilty if you’d prefer to work more. There’s no right or wrong answer.

Always pay into a pension though - because no one knows what the future holds!

Extended maternity leave then working part time is the answer.

It's not about mat leave being boring, it's about losing the sense of what makes you who you are.

I understand what you mean now. Apologies for the misunderstanding.

Every single nursery worker and nanny is uninterested? 😂Of course they are.

You don't need to go 'out and about', your baby just needs you. I really detest this social expectation of mums having to go out to baby groups all the time. I never did them, hate that sort of thing and my children are two very sociable little children, polite, well-mannered, have no qualms having conversations with both children of all ages and adults.

If you're a homebody, that's perfectly ok. Don't cave to societal pressure. There's lots you can do at home, have you any hobbies?

In terms of working, I loved being a SAHM. If your career is so important to you, is it something you can do part-time? So that you have the best of both worlds?

It would seem a shame to miss out on the precious time with your young child(ren) when you don't need the money. You never get that time back and your heart would break missing any 'firsts'.

"Divided roles" ?? I'm really not sure what you mean by this. There's a child, and 2 people who want to work.

So I’m in a similar situation as OP in that the hubby earns over £200k a year and I’m on a decent wage too. I studied for nearly 10 years to get to where I am today and Im at a level that I feel happy with. I can afford to not work but I choose to as I enjoy working and the alternative of looking after a 3 and 5 year old fills me with dread. I love my kids but in small doses. I find it really stressful and I prefer my work but we are all different and some people prefer staying at home with their kids. It’s 100% personal preference.

Your baby is so young at this stage and you won’t know what you’ll want to do until your baby is older. Sounds like you like the calm. When they are toddlers it gets way more hectic and the calm you get when newborn disappears. I found the newborn stage except for the lack of sleep far easier to deal with than toddler stage. I found this esp after having my 2nd and seeing how my 2 year old at the time was far more challenging than my newborn. You won’t be able to make a decision on what’s best for you yet as things change all the time.

While I haven’t read the full thread, I’d say the only answer is what do you want to do? That’s the only thing that matters here xxx

It's not all or nothing, you can do both. Working part-time is a thing, and if you're self-employed you can literally create your own hours. Put your baby in nursery/childcare a day or two for a day or two, or a few half days, and do some work during that time.