Page 10 | To ask if you’d work or stay home?

StiffUpperNip · 2023-10-05T23:32:20+00:00

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future. DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry. We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t *need* my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum. Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time. On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t. DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced. What would you do?

mayorofcasterbridge · 08/10/2023 01:27

Uurrjb · 06/10/2023 22:55

Absolutely loved staying at home with my children and investing in their early years and development…wasn’t the slightest bit interested in laundry or cleaning 😆

now they are at uni/alevels I’m so glad that as a family we had the slow paced time together and I really believe it gave them strong confident foundations

Mine are in their 20s, two graduates, one in uni, forging ahead in making themselves careers in their chosen areas, having benefitted from the "strong confident foundations" my husband and I managed to provide for them, despite my working full-time...

I am so glad I went back full-time, now that retirement is looming. I never, ever wanted to be dependent on DH. It was far from easy!! There were years of activities straight after work 5 nights a week, and it meant that I got 'stuck' in a job that afforded considerable flexibility, but I am more than sure it was right for us.

mayorofcasterbridge · 08/10/2023 01:35

underneaththeash · 06/10/2023 23:04

I think because most "unemployed" mothers/fathers can see the benefits of not being palmed off full time on uninterested nursery workers/ nannies during one of the periods that their brain is most plastic (ie malleable).

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This post is just staggering in its ignorance!

I am not sure there is a benefit for the DC in being a SAHM with such narrow views.

mayorofcasterbridge · 08/10/2023 01:38

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/10/2023 23:16

You don't need to go 'out and about', your baby just needs you. I really detest this social expectation of mums having to go out to baby groups all the time. I never did them, hate that sort of thing and my children are two very sociable little children, polite, well-mannered, have no qualms having conversations with both children of all ages and adults.

If you're a homebody, that's perfectly ok. Don't cave to societal pressure. There's lots you can do at home, have you any hobbies?

In terms of working, I loved being a SAHM. If your career is so important to you, is it something you can do part-time? So that you have the best of both worlds?

It would seem a shame to miss out on the precious time with your young child(ren) when you don't need the money. You never get that time back and your heart would break missing any 'firsts'.

Listen, my three are in their 20s. I don't even remember half the 'firsts' or which was which!! I can just about recall the ages each of them started walking - 13 months, 15 months and 13 months!!

I can't remember their GCSE or A level grades clearly either!!

crew2022 · 08/10/2023 01:47

I had a couple of years off because of logistics really with DH working away. Then for years I worked part time which I felt was a
Good compromise. However now I realise the impact on my pension and my earning potential was significant.
I'm not saying it wasn't worth it but if I'd really thought about it I might have made some different choices (like not completely stopping work for a couple of years).

mayorofcasterbridge · 08/10/2023 01:56

crew2022 · 08/10/2023 01:47

I had a couple of years off because of logistics really with DH working away. Then for years I worked part time which I felt was a
Good compromise. However now I realise the impact on my pension and my earning potential was significant.
I'm not saying it wasn't worth it but if I'd really thought about it I might have made some different choices (like not completely stopping work for a couple of years).

The thing is, at the baby stages, pension sounds like something that other people need to think about - but it comes around far more quickly than you can ever imagine!

Happilyobtuse · 08/10/2023 07:40

dentirose · 06/10/2023 01:16

I chose to stay at home. I picked up investing skills while I was off so I built a passive income from that, so I still feel financially independent and secure. With your family income you can probably do something similar. We have 2 dc and had a 4 year gap as I wanted to give them individual attention during the early years.

I'm very much an "out and about" person and I love keeping the dc busy and I'm never bored. We're in a part of London which is saturated with baby/toddler activities and I keep us busy by working our way through them all.

@dentirose - Please can you elaborate on how you picked up investing skills. It is something I am really interested and have been meaning to do. Any pointers on how to get started. Thanks!

LisaD1 · 08/10/2023 11:01

When my eldest was born I went back to work when she was 6months old, f/t in the then family business.

I ended up a single mum and had to move jobs too. I don’t regret going back but I do regret it was to the family business.

when my 2nd was born I tried part time when she was 6 months old but found I felt like I failed at both work and life so I trained as a childminder and did that until she was 3. I then worked full time until eldest was doing gcse and needed me around more so I went to part time.

I’ve been back in full time work for the past 8 years. Youngest is now doing GCSE’s and managing really well, although I’ve worked from home for the last 5 years which does help.

I guess the short version is do what makes you happy and works for you at the time, it doesn’t need to be a forever decision, I’ve changed my mind multiple times over the years and I’m still at the top of my profession, it’s been a slower road but I’m here now and the turns along the way were what we needed at that time.

ToadOnTheHill · 08/10/2023 11:55

I'd work to

Keep your business going
Establish a nursery routine and give her some kids to play with regularly
Take days off for myself and keep her routine going

G5000 · 08/10/2023 13:35

You never get that time back and your heart would break missing any 'firsts'.

Mine did not. It would break now, if I could not give them what they need - whether it's a hobby they want to do, private school if local is not good enough, travel to see their grandparents and so on. If I had decided to be a SAHM, we simply would not have the money for all this.

SabihaN · 08/10/2023 15:45

As a SAHM of a 15yr old and 10yr old I wouldn't advise giving up work. Learn from my mistake! I gave up work as short term it made sense. DH made 3 times my income. What I've learned is that his career has gone strength to strength, partly because I was there to take the slack on the childcare side of things. Whereas I stopped working 11 years ago (wasn't allowed to go part time sadly) and have minimal pension, no recent work experience and have not been able to keep up with my profession. I'm looking at going back 10 year on having to start from practically zero, possibly back to uni.

Whilst I loved being able to go to all the school parents activities, the financial hit now looking at uni for kids plus myself and the worry of pensions isn't worth it.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2023 16:07

Sled employed as a consultant seems to be a perfect balance op. 20 weeks is still early-ish so I wouldn't worry about whether it's fun enough, but I'd give yourself the nine months minimum and then start to look at opportunities.

Can you work part time or weeks here and there? The former would be easier for childcare so could you say only work 3 days max, and if it's a quiet week, altho you'll still need to pay, you can just not send her in?

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/10/2023 16:39

G5000 · 08/10/2023 13:35

You never get that time back and your heart would break missing any 'firsts'.

Mine did not. It would break now, if I could not give them what they need - whether it's a hobby they want to do, private school if local is not good enough, travel to see their grandparents and so on. If I had decided to be a SAHM, we simply would not have the money for all this.

My heart doesn't break either but I'm not sentimental about firsts. It's fun seeing DC do and learn new things but I'm absolutely fine with the fact that it might actually be the 2nd or 3rd time I see him do it, it is still my first time and that's all that matters to me.

MysteryBelle · 08/10/2023 16:40

LisaD1 · 08/10/2023 11:01

When my eldest was born I went back to work when she was 6months old, f/t in the then family business.

I ended up a single mum and had to move jobs too. I don’t regret going back but I do regret it was to the family business.

when my 2nd was born I tried part time when she was 6 months old but found I felt like I failed at both work and life so I trained as a childminder and did that until she was 3. I then worked full time until eldest was doing gcse and needed me around more so I went to part time.

I’ve been back in full time work for the past 8 years. Youngest is now doing GCSE’s and managing really well, although I’ve worked from home for the last 5 years which does help.

I guess the short version is do what makes you happy and works for you at the time, it doesn’t need to be a forever decision, I’ve changed my mind multiple times over the years and I’m still at the top of my profession, it’s been a slower road but I’m here now and the turns along the way were what we needed at that time.

Great post.

crew2022 · 09/10/2023 08:04

@mayorofcasterbridge yes exactly! The benefits of hindsight

Shutthefrontdoor99 · 09/10/2023 15:53

I have worked in childcare for around 15 years. I've always wanted kids, since I was like 10. My DH and I have 1 DS. I love him dearly. I actually had a very traumatic birth. Lots of painkillers that did not work, very long labour (bubba and i are both fine). I breastfed and enjoyed it, i stopped at 4.5 months when i stopped enjoying it and started to stress about it and found it very hard (my supply wasnt great in the end).

We regulary went to several baby groups each week during my mat leave - around 2 to 4. Plus saw my parents and his parents once a week. Because of my job, I find time on my own really hard. To the point of stress and anxiety that i wasnt completely unsure of what choices i was making were good or bad, how bad of a mum i felt doing certain things, making certain choices. Too many busy days? Not enough? Should I have breast fed longer? My industry is childcare...why don't I know these answers? I loved that time with my son, but I was itching for work, routine, normalcy, plus he has become a little social butterfly and loves being around people too. Sometimes just me wasn't enough everyday. So DS goes to nursery with me. We are both full time. And I don't regret it. I savour our evenings and weekends together as a family, as does DH. DS thrives at nursery. As do I. And little positive bonus, DS is finally sleeping through the night (he's 16 months and has never done that. EVER). I'd like to think because we have found our little routine, our little niche, things are good.

So. My advice (if you choose it). You do you. Figure out your niche. The 4th trimester is crazy. No one seems to know what they are doing at the beginning. Even for the ones who work in childcare industry. But give baby groups a go, for your little ones sake of being social and exploratory. Yoh could always go back part time? With bubba in nursery or with a childminder or nanny for part of the week? Best of both worlds then. You get your time building your career, plus you cherish the time with little one more.

Good luck with it all xx