To ask if you’d work or stay home?

[StiffUpperNip]

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

Go back to work, it sounds like that's what you want. Also make sure your DH picks up some childcare responsibilities despite his big job

The advice that I give every new parent (if asked, obviously!) is to figure out what is your tipping point for when time with your children becomes draining and unhappy. Like the Emily Oster quote describes.

Some women don't seem to have a tipping point and genuinely enjoy every minute - but I think most do.

My happy place is working 4 days a week - it leaves me looking forward to time with the kids at the end of the week and happy to go back to work at the start.

I also echo the points about toddlers made by PP. One of the hardest things about toddlers is that there is just no let up - best way to keep them happy is to be out and about and they talk totally non stop, no chance to be alone with your thoughts.

I would definitely continue to do contract work on a part time basis (if possible) to keep your foot in the door. Doesn’t have to be excessive hours - 10/15 per week? Is that an option? And definitely pay into your own pension. Speaking as someone currently going through divorce with little pension as gave up work to be a SAHM…. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Equally, I loved being a SAHM when the kids were little and it’s definitely more of a balancing act working even if part-time. Working also allows you to continue being “you” and not get lost in the child care side of things, sounds like you worked hard. Could you do some hours at weekend when Dad home to allow him to takeover the childcare? That’s super important to

I stayed home for 2.5 years after DS was born. By that point, I needed something more so went back to work full time in a job that I really enjoy. I had worked hard for my qualifications so didn't want to lose the 'flow' of working forever. It worked out well for us. I work from home full time and DS is now in school literally round the corner.

While absolute/relative earning potential and industry culture probably are factors, I'm inclined to think the person's nature is the primary defining factor, not salary level.

A shitty, superficial person is still going to take their SAHP spouse for granted whether they work on the Tesco shopfloor or is earning at c-suite level.

Meanwhile, any human being who doesn't generally treat anyone like staff likely isn't going to start doing so. Speaking from experience, btw.

I always feel genuinely sorry for people whose worldviews are defined by arbitrary superficial factors which they genuinely believe to be a primary determinant (rather than merely symptomatic) of everyone's human nature.

I suppose they might think this viewpoint sophisticated but I genuinely view it as a form of naivety, child-like in its one-dimensionality.

Perhaps try not to think of it as a "forever" decision; rather what do you want to do now, and what will keep options open for later.

I think in your position I'd do part time (or more) while DC is small. Nursery hours can be more flexible than school, so it can actually be simpler to drop them off and get a full day of work in, than when they're at school.

Also think towards how responsibilities for running the house will happen if you stay at home FT. I know we as a society use the term SAHM but the reality is that women often become a Housewife with sole responsibility for running the household. This can be very hard to change to a more equal split if you want to go back to work later.

I wouldn't be putting a fledgling consultancy on hold for any length of time though. 🙃

If it were me I’d stay home while the baby was so small, simply because I found managing baby and work hard and that time goes so quickly. However as the baby got older I’d find a half way house, maybe 2-3 days per week working or 4 short days working.

A lot depends of the wonder context -
*Do you love being at home
*Do you have independent money a pension etc if you don’t work?
*Do you need a challenge outside or motherhood to keep you stimulated
*Do have good childcare options?

I stayed at home and had all my kids very close together. I went back 4 days when they started school.

You are in a good position because you are wealthy enough as a family to choose whichever option you want.

The starting point is that the feminist option is whichever you choose so long as you are able to choose freely - and being wealthy is a big part of being free to choose.

It is just a matter of what you would like to prioritise at this particular time. You're not making a forever decision, you're making a 'for the time being' decision. You are wealthy enough to change your mind.

It is really tough for parents who would like to go back to work but can't afford or find suitable childcare. It is also hard for parents who would wish to be SAHP but can't afford not to work full time.

It is great you have so much freedom to choose.

At 4 months, I also found maternity leave boring. It gets a bit more interesting as they become more interactive but it’s also harder. I was desperate to go back to work at 9 months and it made a huge difference to me, not least because it actually gave me the chance to miss DC. I’m a much better mother for working.

As you’d gone self employed, you’ve got the best of both worlds really. You can go back 3 days a week and if you find your non-working day too much, you can go up the days at nursery to 4 or 5. Your day rate more than covers a day at nursery. You could also start with 5 and dial back to 3 if you find you aren’t coping. In your situation, I would put DC in nursery for 4 days a week and you work 3. This will give you a day to yourself to get on top off things or just have a bit of time but also a day to make up work when DC has picked up a big from nursery.

The other thing is - how much does your take home pay differ? Given that you're self employed so likely pay a lot less tax overall (obviously depending on your business expenses etc)

I did it for 2yrs with my second as I my eldest hated nursery when she was under 2.

pros: undoubtedly better for the kids (if you are a half decent parent). Much less stress for the whole family on all fronts. Great for seeing your own family midweek without having to factor in DH or other weekend plans.

cons: everyone from the plumber to your dh, to you and to your ex colleagues respects paid work more. The person with money has the power. They get to choose how easy going, generous, fine with it they are. being dependent on someone else is not easy when you are not used to it.

Like you, my partner earns enough for us to get by. I have a good salary £50k, he earns £150k (no bonuses in his industry).

I have a 18 month old and work full time. He is in nursery full time. We have no family nearby. My husband is very pro working and thinks it's unfair that I should have to 'give up' my career as this affects my career opportunities and pension. He is right and I'm glad I work, but I wish I didn't work full time. Nursery is more than 1/2 my monthly salary (although husband says it's from OUR salaries), we split everything by income so I pay 1/4 he pays 3/4 of all bills. He is very hands on with our son.

We are expecting another baby and I think I will drop down to 30 hours a week and have the children with me for 2 days and work 3 days (while they're at nursery). I think this is a good compromise

Whilst there are many successful marriages. There are So many that aren't, the number of affairs rockets.
Most if the SAHM end up finding themselves in financial strife when their husband holds all the cards (and the OW)
Please dont allow this scenario.
It sounds like you are finding yourself ready to go back to work. So get a nanny & work part time

What do you WANT to do? You are in the enviable position of having the choice, your DH's salary is enough to ensure you have a pension etc. I chose to work because I wanted to work, I could have stayed home, but I felt I was a better mum not being a SAHM because I wasn't a very good one, and I am career orientated. I genuinely believe the best situation for baby is whatever best suits the household.

Because being a carer* isn’t unemployed. If you did want someone else to do that role you would have to pay a lot of money for a housekeeper and a nanny.

*doesn’t matter is that caring is for a young child or an ill relative or a relative with disabilities or an elderly parent.

Being a consultant gives you the ideal opportunity to do a couple of days a week on clients you pick and choose. Ones you enjoy.

That's what I'd do.

I was self employed for ten years prior to DD. Loved every minute. DH is similar to you Mrs earning wise. I have just started a three day a week employed job (dd is 18mo) due to wanting to get back to working, rather than financial and my industry being hit with painful cuts.

It's HARD being employed after being S/E. I don't like it 😂 if the consultancy was an option, I'd be all over it!

Honestly I'd choose this option too. You're in a very good position to do a bit of both worlds because you're self employed. You also don't want to lose the consultancy you've worked hard to establish and make it harder to return later. So just be pickier about contracts and take on less for a while. Work it around a bit of nursery provision. Maybe work three afternoons or a full day and 2 afternoons so your clients feel you're around across more days but you aren't working as many hours and have lots of time with the kids. Be strict with yourself and don't let work leak into kids time.

Oh, thanks everyone! This is really helpful. To address a few points raised:

• DH does his share of parenting. He took 12 weeks of paternity leave, during which the only thing he didn’t do was breastfeed. He currently wfh two days a week, during which he takes lots of breaks to help me out. When he’s not working, he generally takes the baby and lets me veg. He’s an excellent and keen parent.
• All our money is joint. Savings, investments, everything. There is no ‘his money’ or ‘my money’. We will be paying into my pension even if I stay home.
• I’m not massively domestic. Currently, I cook (as I like it), DH does the day to day bits of housework (dishwasher, taking out bins, sorting out kitchen after dinner) and we’ve a weekly cleaner/housekeeper for everything else. This won’t be changing. Being a SAHM, for me, would be about being there for DC, not chores.

I think the suggestions around part time work make a lot of sense. I could start with two days a week and see how I feel?

That sounds great - good to hear you have a good one!

I think 2 days a week makes sense but I would consider having childcare arranged for 3 - basically to give you a bit of a buffer to do the various bits of admin associated with being self employed/pitching for clients etc and also if DC is ill one day, you have another day of childcare booked in. Also I think children settle better in childcare with 3 days.

I'd work. Bluntly you never know what the future holds and that 200k pa or the DH earning it may not be around forever.

Always have the ability to stand on your own two feet financially.

I choose to work as I found looking after a small baby exhausting and deeply unfulfilling. DH worked away so it was relentless.

I have zero regrets, I’ve now retired at 57, have two wonderful adult DC and a great relationship with both and am free to help out with GC when they come, but a day or two a week.

DH and I have always shared everything financially and still do, he still works and earns well but I’m very conscious me working FT most of my life has always meant financial independence and will do now until the day I die.

I suppose it depends on your industry. Would your clients expect you to be around more?

I’m salaried but I found the 2.5 days I was doing wasn’t quite enough to get things done, so I went up to 3.

I couldn’t have stayed home. I’d have gone off my head. Also, I’m a big fan of nursery for socialising them. I put DC2 into nursery as a young toddler, whereas DC1 had been at home with a family member. There was a big difference in their relationships as preschoolers, despite DC1 being the more naturally outgoing one.

It sounds like you’ve build something brilliant that is flexible and you call the shots on when you work and you don’t?

so I would work a few days a month? I think nursery is essential so even at home I’d use nursery a couple of short days a week.

I’m not one of those people who gave up on their career or aspirations to spend All my days at playgroups etc so I’d never be on the stay home camp! It seems like you have all the tools for a brilliant balance. Good luck!

Depends on your views and feelings about different risks and challenges.

i would not want to lose my personal earning ability nor for me and my DC to be solely financially dependent on DH for my current income and pension. Eg we could divorce, DH could become ill.

So I worked after mat leave, PT for a while (damaged my earning ability and pension but not as much risk as a total break). Got the best childcare possible. dealt with the downsides and challenges of both working, eg conflict over who takes time off / covers weekday parenting and domestics as best I could.