To ask if you’d work or stay home?

[StiffUpperNip]

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

You aren't enjoying it now. And you say you love your job. £450 is a huge amount of money. Go back to work. Part time maybe. You don't enjoy being a Sahm. You have to like being with other mums a lot at groups. And you don't.

Seems like a no-brainer. You are bored. You enjoy your job. Staying home in this situation does not sound like a reaonable choice.

I think that part time is the best option when the kids are little. Best of both worlds for you and the kids IMO. I went back when kids were 9months and kept my career going in this way and went back full time when they were all at secondary school. I have an excellent career. My kids are very sociable and I think early years at nursery helped this. It also took the financial load off DH and we both have a pension. I am now mid fifties and considering a drop to part time working again.

Another vote for part time if possible. It means you keep your foot in the door. Also like you I have a job that required quite alot of training and I love it. As much as I love my kids I would go crazy being a SAHP.

I would go part time if we could afford it but unfortunatly not on the cards for me

If would've loved to stay at home when my kids were that small, it's such a privilege! And with all your qualifications etc it shouldn't be too hard to get back into a career.

Never found a minute boring with any of my 4 always something to do. 3 are under 3 and adored every minute of there growing. Gave up career till they go to school and and was always the plan I was never going to miss the years I can't get back regardless of wether rich or poor. Careers come and go children's years can't be got again

@EachPeachPearNectarine
Love Emily Oster!

I work because I want to. I like the comfort of being financially self sufficient and I need the routine in my day. I think my children have benefitted from nursery. Oldest has just started reception and she slotted in nicely with minimal fuss, she is used to the routine and confident socialising with a group of children.

If the option was open to me I would definitely reduce my hours/days a little. I find 8-5 working really full on with 2 DC under 5 that need to be fed and in bed by 7pm. But unfortunately the nature of my job means I can't do that. OP if you are self employed and want to continue working would you be able to find a balance that suits you?

In your shoes, I’ll work part time so maybe 3 days a week. That way, your business is not dead as you can still keep your clients so it’s easier when you want to go full time in future as you’re not starting all over.
You make a good daily wage to allow you buy lots of help if needed and spend 4 days with my child.

@StiffUpperNip I always liked friends' children and enjoyed playing with them. So I enjoyed it from the beginning.

I was also definitely an out and about person. I went to a number of groups ; NCT, mother and baby, playgroups etc and got a group of friends. I also had my mum round the corner and my grandmother nearby that I spent a day a week with.

That was while I was on Mat leave. I did go back to work briefly but everyone was miserable. My job involved long days and several weeks a year at various meetings. I really resented it.

However I had never really enjoyed my job. It was well paid but that is it. Many of my colleagues were mums and chose to return to work because they loved it.

Honestly, in your situation, I'd make the most of mat leave, then go back to work. You enjoy it. And if you find that you don't, you can give up at any time.

You sound bored, so being a SAHM clearly isn’t for you.
I’m another’s part-timer (3 days a week). It works well for our family.

I have 3 DC (all at secondary school now) and I’ve worked part time (2 days / week, HCP) since the first was born.

I love my DC and I love my job. I wouldn’t want to either be a SAHM or work FT so I consider myself to be very lucky with the best of both worlds although the early years could be a bit of a juggling act. Now that they’re a bit older I’m doing more in my job and I get a lot of satisfaction from that.

No kids yet, but my plan has always been to do contract work when they do come along. It strikes me as a way to tick all the boxes you named but with more flex (presumably with some wfh?) and minus the drudgery of a permanent role. I know it's not a bed of roses either, but the contractors I know tend to maintain a better emotional distance and boundaries (although this might be tough when you're just starting your business).

We currently have similar income/educational backgrounds as you but clearly a few years behind, so I'm watching with interest rather than giving advice!

I find contract work great with an unpredictable family situation at present. I can take short term contracts and say no for a time if it doesn't work in. It keeps your foot in the door too.

Work but as flexibly as you can. Pt. You can’t depend on a man and it’s best to pay NI’s etc

Definitely work

@Happyhappyday please tell me what you do for 100k and PT hours, I need a job like that! And OP what does your partner do?

Works not just about money it’s who u are and what you have achieved

whilst 200k sounds an enormous amount you’ll practically kissed goodbye to half of that in tax and NI you won’t get anything free

can DH go part time too?

Id continue with 3 days either way. My DC are older and you need to bear in mind that when they are older it’s you they want. Pre-school any competent adult can attend to their needs but when they are older it’s you who they want at the school assembly etc. So I would continue to work and have both you and DH aim to get the flexibility to be able to go to all the school and other events they will want you at.

I did it the other way around. Worked when they were pre-schoolers but have just had a few years off- more circumstance than planned ( planned study break but then prolonged covid school closures and home schooling, international move etc,). I have just started picking up some freelance for a former employer and will go back next year when dc are in years 9&8. I know some people don’t see the benefit of being a SAHM to secondary age kids but i kind of subscribe to the “little kids, little problems….” adage. Although we couldn’t have predicted covid etc it’s probably benefited the family to have one person not working now rather than earlier on. So if you’re not sure I’d consider keeping your powder dry in case you need time off later.

Deffo do some part time work.

I would have been a rubbish SAHP. It just didn't let me use my busy brain enough.

I'm far out the other end now it's kids in their 20s. Tried to early retire last year but was craving a bit of work after a few months. I'm now back pt and my DD commented that I'm a much nicer human for it.

My kids always say that they saw me as a good role model too and it helped me to have a better relationship with them I think.

Everyone is different though and I'd say to be honest with yourself and follow your heart. Feminism is about having choices, not doing it all or fitting into an expected norm. It's about freedom to do what makes you tick, and to be respected for that choice. And to be enabled to make the choice that works for you. So you are not letting the sisterhood down if you choose not to work for a while. Equally if you do work, then that's OK too.

All that aside, go with your heart and you probably won't go far wrong. can always change your mind later on.

A lot of the very bright women I met at ante natal gave up work as they had high earning husbands. I used to be jealous of them sometimes, but then realised that a lot of,them were on anti depressants and bored shitless. Their kids became a chore and a project. I think somewhere between is probably the answer for many.

Work, of course. It’s weird you think your husband’s salary is relevant.

It’s very individual but my advice would likely be - can you work part time..?

I was a SAHM for 7 years (left a very stressful job I hated after having DS). I did enjoy it, especially when he was small, but I did find by the end I felt like I was missing some sort of purpose. I’m someone who goes out and sees friends and I have loads of creative hobbies too, so it’s not that I’m not capable of entertaining myself, but I’ve gone back to work part time now and I’m so glad I have. It’s good having something where I’m out, being me, not defining by my role in the home. And having my own income feels good again. DH was never funny about money and always appreciated my role at home, so I was lucky in that respects but it feels good to have some independence again.

Being a SAHM was great a lot of the time so if it’s something you want to do, then take the time and enjoy it, but id say, if you can keep your foot in the door with sOme sort of work, that could be win win

My dh earns similar. I have always worked full time. I have invested a lot in my education and want to actually apply that for a good few years. If I came out of my line of work for more than the 10 month mat leave there is no way I'd be able to get back in so I kept going. Now DC are mid primary, happy to do their own thing after school, I think I'd be quite bored if I hadn't stayed at work!

Can you balance work to balance home life. Is your contracting deliverables based or can you choose a programme?

It sounds like 100% stay at home might not be the solution but if you can reduce your work a bit maybe both together is the next step see how that feels then go from there.

I found babies incredibly dull, and that didn't change even when at my 5th! Toddlers are more rewarding but hard work and personally I think ifs good for the parent and child to have a break from each other at that stage and nurseries are so positive for them - in my experience.

Then they hit 3.5 where you can sit and talk and boom amazing for the rest of their lives in my opinion.

You might find similar, so I would balance a but now and review as you go.

I’ve never needed to work for the family finances. But while I loved my maternity leave, I am so glad I kept up a part time role in a job I love. My business has thrived and now I have older kids I’m really glad I kept going. It’s harder (and you’ll spend much of your £450 on a nanny/ cleaner etc.) but if you are career-minded, it’s really worth it for you mental well-being and independence. You day rate is good, even 2 days a week would make a decent contribution to family finances, and certainly worth working for.

Many of my friends gave up work when their children were young. And used all the lines about ‘previous time’, ‘easy to get back’ etc. So many of them have never returned to their professional role because ‘it’s not worth it’ with a CEO partner, Truro partners have become used to a stay at home partner and can’t cope with now sharing the load, because their profession has moved on without then, and because they’ve lost so much confidence. I know this is a source of sadness and regret for several of them. It’s fine with primary aged kids, but after that they’ve started to feel aimless. It’s easy to assume you can just hit the ground running in five years time, but I know many women in a similar position and none that have.