To ask if you’d work or stay home?

[StiffUpperNip]

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

I'd work but not full time. If you contract can you do a few days a week? You'll keep your hand in, you can keep paying into a pension for yourself. i think it sets a good example to kids to have both parents working, and you keep financially independence as honestly, the worst can and does happen.

In your situation it is nice that it boils down to your choice. It's not "unfeminist" or a waste of anything to choose to stay at home with your DC, but equally it is absolutely fine to go back to work.
Also there is no right way to feel, everyone feels different and that's ok.

For me, I knew as soon as we had him, I wanted to stay at home with him, I also had the choice of either and have a wonderful husband who pulls his weight and it was never going to be about staying in and doing chores. But I did become an outdoorsy person and I found it wonderful, but if that's not you, I can see how staying in with a baby/toddler could be harder work.

My job never defined who I was, so it made no difference to me in that respect, I never "lost myself" or struggled to "find things to talk about" as we never really speak about work anyway, but you sound like you love your job and enjoy doing it, so if it's possible, I think in your shoes I would look at going part time and go from there.

The thing is, no decision is final. You could start off by going back and if you feel to rushed or stressed ,miss your DC, you can go part time, or you could start off with staying at home and then see how you feel and slowly return to work with a balance that suits you.

Motherhood choices feel morally loaded.

There is so much to be said for a mother who is content and regulated. When your own needs are met, it’s easier to meet other’s needs.

Some women are drawn to stay home, some to careers, some to a bit of both. Some need intellectual stimulation. Some need social stimulation. Some thrive on solitude.

And lots and lots of women get no choice. And social, economic and legal reasons can make some choices precarious. But my point is that there’s no morally superior version of womanhood or motherhood.

It very much sounds like you’re strongly drawn to your work. If it matters to you don’t give it up easily, so think carefully about which thoughts have a “should” attached.

I’d stay at home or work part time. I think it would be best for the kids and for you.

Because...? OP has already said she is bored at home, so what makes you deduct it would be best?

There honestly isn't a right or wrong answer, everyone is different. Personally I enjoyed going back to work after maternity leave as enjoyed the balance, it's also meant I've been able to keep my career going and if me and DH ever split I'd be financially secure rather than having just facilitated him moving up the ranks in his job. I know it sounds doom and gloom but I always promised myself after seeing my mum stuck with my dad as she couldn't afford to go it alone that I'd always want to be financially independent. Its early days for you really, I'd see how you feel in the coming months and explore whether you can find a balance of hours etc. Often when they start school you actually need more flexibility, I would work towards building this flexibility now.

I agree with PP that part-time can often be the best of both worlds, especially since you can command such a high hourly rate. But ultimately, this decision is highly personal and no one can tell you what is the 'right' or 'wrong' decision to make.

Just an observation: It seems that what our own mothers/parents did affects the decision that we make. In my case, my mother always put her career first, worked long hours (7am-8pm) and I barely saw her throughout my teenage years. It really affected me and my sister, and so I'm definitely working towards staying home with my DC as much as possible. It will probably look like working part-time in my case.

I see other posters who have shared about their SAHMs who got trapped in a financially dependant relationship and were unable to leave, so they really value financial independence.

Just an interesting observation.

I chose to work part time. I was originally going to go back full time but I was too unwell to do so.
My career was a big driving force. It took 11 years and two degrees to qualify and being out of the lab for 5 years would have had a very detrimental impact on my career.

Me and my partner earn about the same depending on my bonus. Our household finances are built around being able to survive on one salary so we wouldn't necessarily need my salary but my job is a positive contribution to my wellbeing and returning to work helped to improve my wellbeing

I do have Wednesdays off and these days are just for me and my daughter, minimal chores and no to do lists. I love these days. We often see my mothers who missed out on seeing her during my mat leave as she was the full time carer to 3 85+ year olds.

What every you decide to do, do book at least a day a week that is just driven by your toddler!

@5foot5 yes, my child is disabled so this is what works best for our family

I’d stay at home because that times when they’re little passes so quickly and is so precious. But then I don’t have a big career anyway and I spent years working as a nanny, so being home for my own children is what’s most important to me. I know it’s very different for others.

If PT work is an option that definitely seems the best one to keep momentum with working and have plenty of time with your child also.

Statistically, the opposite is actually true so a SAHM is more likely to have a daughter who grows up to be a SAHM and a working mother is more likely to have a daughter who grows up to be a working mother.

Exceptions happen of course like yourself and I grew up with a SAHM but work FT.

Absolutely. What's optimal for a family is usually what's optimal for the mother and that's a combination of financial circumstances, family shape, temperament, background, interest in work, type of work and all sorts of other factors.

What may be an obvious choice for one woman would be a nightmare for another.

There is no "should" about any choice that a woman makes in relation to working vs not working, as long as she is financially secure and happy and her children are properly cared for.

But generally speaking avoiding extremes (ie not working at all ever after the children are born and being entirely reliant on her husband OR working at full pelt in an office 10 hours a day six days a week) are a good idea. Not because either will inherently damage the children but because neither are great for the mother's health, wealth or wellbeing.

@SouthLondonMum22

Statistically, the opposite is actually true so a SAHM is more likely to have a daughter who grows up to be a SAHM and a working mother is more likely to have a daughter who grows up to be a working mother.

This is really interesting. You would expect, as you say, that the daughter of a working mother is more likely to work and vice versa. I'm more like the PP in that my mum basically never worked after my sister and I were born.

We were comfortably off financially and my parents marriage was (for the most part) functional but my mum was desperately unhappy as a SAHM; she was bored, trapped and unfulfilled. The general sense I had that her life was a disappointment to her left a very strong impression on me and I was absolutely determined not to become dependent on another person financially for my family's security. It's still my worst fear.

It's funny how much this colours our approach: I see posts on here quite often from women who say they feel they "ought" to work but clearly don't want to. I find this very alien but I can see how what was expected of you can become a burden, in either direction.

Ultimately I don't think it very much matters whether you work or stay at home as long as as a) your kids are provided for and happy b) you're not desperately unhappy yourself and c) you aren't wholly reliant upon the good will of another person for your financial security for the rest of your life.

The "shoulds" and "ought tos" are mainly just a combination of guilt, ideology and projection.

I on the other hand find part time the worst of both worlds. Often you are still expected to do all the work, just for less money. Your company thinks you're not interested in career, so promotions unlikely. At the same time, as you have all the 'free' time, you will become default parent and household manager.

I found similar when employed. But running your own business or working freelance, as OP, is completely different. You make your own terms of ‘employment’ and I earn so much more working freelance so can pay for lots of household help. I’ve luckily never fallen into ‘default parent ‘ role, we both pull our weight on that front.

personally I’d prefer to do 2-3 days at work a week

I have done 3 days and 4 days since my children have been born. 3 days was lovely at home, hard at work and 4 days has worked well. My youngest is now in school and I’m having an internal debate about what the best pattern is as in many ways I’m finding the juggle harder at 4 and 7 due to activities and homework than I did when they were smaller and evenings were nursery collection, bath, story bed.

Financially I could have given up work but chose not to on the basis of:

1. high income jobs are often high stress jobs and precarious. There is often less job security but you go for higher outgoings like mortgage,etc. Maintaining my job reduces risk of it all tumbling down due to redundancy, Ill health, stress etc. I think it is naive to assume one person will always be able to earn at that level with no bumps along the way.

2. I’ve seen some sahms be really proactive doing loads of interesting stuff and others who become much more insular where they only talk about the kids or jobs like washing. I would want to be the former but could see me slipping into the latter which I think could be hard for our relationship. I do get purpose and social connection from work even if it moan about it.

3. I want to have the option of private secondary school and nice holidays/activities. Your husband’s salary is obviously really high but by the time he’s taxed, paid pension (And for tax reasons he should be maxing it out) etc you’re not necessarily going to be able to afford private school if you want to without you working. That might not be important to you so may be irrelevant in your decision-making.

4. pension! I am becoming increasingly aware how hard it is to build a decent pot and what that will get you in the future. You'll have a better idea of how easy it would be to return to your industry later on but your earning potential sounds really significant.

5. my children absolutely adored nursery and did so many amazing things there that I wouldn’t have done at home. Even if I wasn’t working I’d have wanted to send both of mine for some of the week from 2.

I would never give up financial independence or earning potential. Even if you are solid as a rock in your relationship now, things can change. There is also the risk of his industry changing, or him getting ill. Would you realistically be able to walk into an equal role in 3+ years time of that happened? Part time seems the best option to me, as you can scale up if needed.

It is very employer dependent. At my company I think all employees with kids, men and women, have at some point reduced their hours and many of the senior team are now dropping down to 4 days a week for their lifestyle and starting to build things into their life that isn't work related as retirement draws near.

I went back full-time with my first then part time with my second.
Is there any reason you can't freelance still and pick up projects you want?

I am a SAHP and have been for around 5 years. My youngest is 3.5 and currently in nursery 3 hours a day. DH works away and it's just easier for me to be at home atm. I'll get something part time when she goes to school. I have absolutely no regrets though, I've loved being at home with them.

@coronafiona i don’t live in the UK which helps so salaries are much higher! I work in buying for a big outdoor retailer and my job is just not very hard 🤷‍♀️. It’s pretty full on for 4 months of the year, but I also have a personal no overtime policy. It’s even worse because I buy snow sports equipment so part of my job involves going skiing 🫣

My situation is very similar though my day rate is a shade less. I have 2 DC, 7 and 3. I stayed home for the first 5 years.

I've been unable to find a proper job with enough flexibility (in America you don't get much annual leave) but I'm now picking up some freelance contracts, which I like. I probably work a little under half the time on average and that's a mixture of very full on work and time spent catching up with all the other stuff.

My main fear is that if something happened to DH I don't want to suddenly face having to return to the job market to support the kids with a massive gap in my CV and no idea if I'm employable any more.

You could stay home for a short while and see if you like it?

I think in your position you went to university and worked hard to get into your current job situation. Your on maternity leave at the moment. Your thinking do I go back to work or spend some time as a sham. I know people will say you won't get this time back again with your baby but if your board and unhappy it not good for you or the baby/child.
In your case I would put your baby into a nursery for 3 or 4 days a week. Take one of those days to get contracts or do house admin and the other days for work. Your earning an income, putting money in to your pension and keeping your skills up to date.
Down the line you could arrange your contracts that you could take the summer holiday off with your child.

If you or your husbands circumstances change at any time you leaving yourself in a better position by working. Also if he is earning a good income you probably have a high mortgage or other borrowings.
I have seen woman husbands get sick, having mental health issues or dying at a young age. Then their wives are left worrying about money and trying to get back into the work force.
Also if your husband was to be made redundant you still have income coming into your home to pay the mortgage and bill's.

Not wanting to stay at home 24/7 with a baby or small child does not make you a bad mother. You realised that for you own sake that you like to stay in the work force even PT to use your brain and the skills you have. As well as that your working towards your own future and if something unexpected happens you in a better financial position.

I wanted to return to work and did so when DC were six months, and I really enjoyed walking out of the door, being by myself (until I got to work!) It also turned out to be essential as DH lost his well paid job in an economic downturn. Like others I loved my small DC but was neither maternal nor a great mother. I found they needed me much more when they were older, when I marginally cut down my hours to be there more for them.

I did freelance for a year at one stage but found scheduling work, time off and childcare very difficult - it was not a job you could do more than 1pc of working from home and there was a lot of travel and irregular hours so I was dependent on husband and mother to fill in gaps. And the paper work for VAT was a nightmare ..........

Part time sounds best for you :)