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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret being older mum

506 replies

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:27

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

OP posts:
Gowlett · 05/10/2023 18:30

I’m an older mum (older dad here too). I don’t regret it.
I feel like I’ve experienced both child-free & mum life.

But that’s how you feel. Is in relation to life being “sorted”?
We’re older, but no more richer, secure etc than we were.

ghostyslovesheets · 05/10/2023 18:31

Why regret what you can't change?

I could have got pregnant in my 20's to some feckless twatty ons but I'm glad I didn't!

I had mine at 32, 36 and 38 - sadly my ex husband was still a feckless twat but at least he was a well off one and I had a well paying job so I could buy a house and support them with the help of my divorce settlement and his maintenance payments.

They are 21,19 and 15 now and I don't feel I lost anything having them when I was older

Original poster
Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:32

We have stable jobs and decent Household incomes and some houses. But, I regret we kept chasing these things and feeling financially stable before we started family. We should have prioritised having a family over these things.

OP posts:
Sparehair · 05/10/2023 18:33

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:32

We have stable jobs and decent Household incomes and some houses. But, I regret we kept chasing these things and feeling financially stable before we started family. We should have prioritised having a family over these things.

Why?

Fleabane · 05/10/2023 18:33

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:32

We have stable jobs and decent Household incomes and some houses. But, I regret we kept chasing these things and feeling financially stable before we started family. We should have prioritised having a family over these things.

Why?

MariaVT65 · 05/10/2023 18:33

What’s the reason for your regret?

I’m having my 2 at the same age as you - 32 with my first and now 35 with my second. We’re not planning a third but in an ideal world I would be younger, but we don’t regret it as we only met when I was 27. And we did want to buy a house first, just because we’d both had terrible experiences with private landlords and upkeep of properties. 35 has always been my absolute personal cut off for kids though.

Luxell934 · 05/10/2023 18:33

I wouldn’t really class 31 as an older mum.

Freetodowhatiwant · 05/10/2023 18:34

To many people 32 isn't an 'older' mother at all! Especially in cities like London where people focus on their careers and also active child-free social lives. I know many people who didn't have their first until 35. Many of them think it's a great way round to do it - plenty of time to travel and have child-free fun but still young enough to be energetic and focus when they have the kids.

Littlepopsicle · 05/10/2023 18:34

I wouldn't consider you to be an older mum at all! I had all 3 of mine in my 40s....not planned that way but just how life works out as DH and I didn't meet until our late 30s. No regrets at all.

Flockameanie · 05/10/2023 18:35

You’re really not that old! When I had DC2 I was nearly 40 and DH was 45.

Torganer · 05/10/2023 18:35

I’d say 32 is quite young these days. Most of my friends started late 30 to early 40s, most have 2 if not 3 (in one case 4!) children. Do you feel old? Maybe increase your exercise, eat healthily etc. I feel so much better than I did in my early 30s (used to smoke and drink a lot!). I definitely don’t regret waiting until late 30s to start a family. I had so much fun, did loads I wouldn’t be able to do now with children. But, I guess I’ve been lucky and been pretty happy will all stages of my life.

Is there something else in your life that you are unhappy with that’s making you feel like this?

Bluesclues1 · 05/10/2023 18:36

I’m 31 and haven’t even thought about when I might like kids (if ever!) - very few of my friends have.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/10/2023 18:36

I had my first at 35 and will be 37 with this one. No regrets at all.

I don’t see what advantages we would’ve had starting earlier but can see several disadvantages.

Nevermind31 · 05/10/2023 18:36

Lol - where I live you would not be considered an older mum, lots of women have children at 35 plus. You can’t change it anyway - think of the stability you are giving your kids

JustAMinutePleass · 05/10/2023 18:36

You’re not an older mum. 31/34 are perfectly normal ages to ttc when you spend your 20s working up graduate jobs. I had my first just before 40. I’m 43 will be ttc my 2nd soon. I do things with DS my friends (who had kids younger) never did even with an autoimmune disease. I don’t think I’m any less of a parent just because I’m older. As for age - the women in my family tend to live active lives and then drop dead die in their mid 80s. I think if I look after myself I’ll reach 85 as a minimum.

Justletpeopleenjoythings · 05/10/2023 18:37

I was 41 when mine was born. We had been trying for twenty years
So no I don't regret it.

Notimeforaname · 05/10/2023 18:37

I have never wanted kids. And I hope one day that I dont suddenly get the feeling because I'm 36 now and I just always felt that if I was going to have kids, I would have wanted it to be in my early to mid 20s!

I know lots of people have children much later and its perfect for them but I guess my feelings stem from my own upbringing from younger parents.

What is your worry op? Being more tired etc ?

wannabetraveler · 05/10/2023 18:38

I had my three at 31, 34 and 37. I don't consider myself an older mother (and nor do my peers!) Think of the positives of establishing your careers and becoming financially stable. That's incredibly important!

Comedycook · 05/10/2023 18:38

You're not an older mum. That is an average age to have children.

LemonLight · 05/10/2023 18:39

Don't worry just for the sake of worrying, you'll only stress yourself out.

Thinkbiglittleone · 05/10/2023 18:39

But did it pay off so to speak, did it help secure your career?
Have you paid your house off and feel more financially secure.

At what age do you think would have been better ?

I do agree people can always put off having kids for any reason, but I think that tends to happen when deep down they are maybe not ready. I am so glad we waited, i just wouldn't be the mum I am now, I was still prioritising other things, it was the best time for us and we are a tad older than you.

Original poster
Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:39

One of the reasons for us to wait and build our lives first was that both me and DH came from families who didn't had much financial security and stability while growing up and that was an absolute priority for us to give to our children.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 05/10/2023 18:39

Comedycook · 05/10/2023 18:38

You're not an older mum. That is an average age to have children.

This. I can't understand your post at all OP

EarringsandLipstick · 05/10/2023 18:40

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:39

One of the reasons for us to wait and build our lives first was that both me and DH came from families who didn't had much financial security and stability while growing up and that was an absolute priority for us to give to our children.

That seems perfectly sensible 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shmithecat2 · 05/10/2023 18:41

The average age of a first time mum in the UK in 2021 was 30.9 years.... calm down.