Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

I wish that women could know how different they might feel during the perimenopause years and factor THAT in when planning children, never mind anything else. But no-one does think of that. At 36 you may not feel lacking in energy as a parent. But fast forward 12 years and you might find (unexpectedly) that you feel VERY different physically and mentally. I am 50 now and really struggling with menopause (I always thought people exaggerated for effect but no, it's real. It's not pleasant).

But thankfully I had my firsst at 30 and my second 2 years later. Now one child is nearly 20 and away at university and the other is 17 and hopefully this time next year will be going off too and starting his own independent life. I am exhausted, moods all over the place, I feel so done with the responsibilities and busyness of parenting, and I would not want to wish that on anybody who has children who are only just entering the teenage years. That's going to be a pretty crap combination of hormones flying around! Combine that with elderly parents to possibly care for, or plan the funeral of, and I hope that everyone can steel themselves for what may well be difficult years ahead. I had no idea I would feel like this at this age, and while I know that things will get better it's a rocky time.

YAB massively U

32 is not an "older mum".

Late 30s to mid 40s is going towards "older mum", the majority where I am.

I can't imagine having children so young you didn't get a chance to have a life, enjoy freedom and make the most of your child-free years. You'll never get them back, even when children move out as adults, they are still your kids, you are still helping financially. It's great, but what a pity not to have a few years for fun before the kids happen.

Why on earth do you think you are an "older mum" at 32? What can you possibly think you missed?

No one in my friend/social group even started having kids until early-mid 30's. Not one. I had my first at 37 and now have a small bunch of them, the most recent at 42. DH was in his 40's when the first one came along. It's all good, as they say.

In the most compassionate way possible, OP, none of you actually say in your OP should be an issue. Having a first baby at 31 would be pretty swift in my book!

I thought when you said "older mum" that you were like 45 or something. Most of my friends were having their first children around 37 are still adding to their families now at around 42-43.

Wow, I had my first at 38 and didn't think it was that old. I do get what you mean; I wish I'd started earlier but honestly wouldn't class you as an older mum at all. I'm trying for my second and will prob be 40 but don't feel it and I don't think my parenting is any less fun or adventurous than a 20 year old.

I wouldn’t have said you were an older mum tbh. I had my eldest at just turned 20 and I wish I’d waited longer, I don’t regret it but I do recognise we would have both benefited me being a few years older. I can’t change it though so it is what it is, there’s no point dwelling on it and have to make the best of your situation.

You are not an older mum.

You are an average mum.

At the average school gate today You may well be on the younger side.

My mom had me at 39. She is a wonderful mum

Nothing wrong with your age OP don’t worry but I understand being worried about it. Lots of your DC classmates will have same age parents so definitely don’t worry!

I do however think women and men aged 40+ are too old. Maybe 40 fine for a second child but definitely not a first. Just my opinion.

I had my two at 39 and 41. It's been fine, no regrets. DH is a year older than I am.

I had my first at 32, 2nd at 36 and 3rd at 38. I am so glad I am an older mum. It's pretty normal were I am from. I got my partying days out of the way and am happy to stay at home with my kids. I am confident, self assured and don't feel I missed anything by having kids younger.

Focus on what you do have not what you don't. I am 43 now and to old for more kids (DH is 51)but don't want more anyway. We are both within health weight ranges, work out, eat healthy and don't drink much alcohol. We paddle board, hill walk, golf, rock climb, play football, board games, do crafts with the kids, read every night to them, take the kids to lots of activities and lessons every week. Some of the dcs friends parents are far younger and don't do these things with there kids. Age is just a number.

I understand you OP. I had my first at 32, wanted another one at about 35, but had 2 miscarriages, so ended up being 38. I then got breast cancer when I was 46, so my youngest was only 8 at the time, and my husband now has bowel cancer (age 58), and she's now still only 13. I so wish both my children were older. The thought of both of us dying before they're independent of us terrifies me.

I don't actually care about dying as such, but I do care about leaving my youngest DD with no parents before they reach adulthood.

Now that I'm in my 50s, I realise that actually quite a lot of people die in their 50s, a lot more than I thought when I was younger, and I do think this trend to have children later and later is not good. I would now say have your youngest by the time you're 32, because then when you get to 50, they will be turning 18.

You don't need to slag off younger mums to make op feel better.

If children is 'not having a chance at life' it's interesting that so many other women even bother.

I don’t see you as an older mother at all . Very few of my friends had children in their early 30s most of them had not met their partners by then. I was much older than you when I had my children and I think it’s helped me - especially when having to put up with teenage tantrums ! I don’t see myself as an older mother and neither do they

There is never a right time. Back in the day at 23 I was registered as an older person, when there was enough room my 2nd at 33 and the last, after we had moved to a larger home 39. I had to feel stable, I don’t regret neither should you.

I'm 35 and DH is 40 and we are trying for our first. I did have a niggle of doubt if we have left it too late but my Mum had me no problem at 35 and we've had tests and everything is ok for both of us. Everyone says we just need to relax and let it happen.

But do I regret it no. I am ready for motherhood in a way I cannot explain and I wasn't before.

That sounds very logical and well thought out!

I think your perception of being an 'older Mum' at just 34 might have been formed from coming from a poorer background as in general people living in deprived areas tend to think that starting a family after 30 makes you an older Mum, whereas educated/middle class/privileged people tend to have their kids after 30.

Isn't the average age of first time mothers over 30 now?
I had mine at 41 and 43, simply because I didn't meet my husband until I was 39. Sure it would have been nice to have met him ten years earlier, but I'm not sure I'd have wanted kids that much earlier.

I thought you were going to say you were a decade older. IMHO, an older mum would be 38-40 when having their first child... and nobody bats an eyelid about that. I was 31 when I had my second, and seemed to be much younger than the majority of the parents of her classmates. It partly depends where you live. 32, 35 and 37 are COMPLETELY normal ages to have children. Almost average, really. Please don't give it any more thought. You can't change it anyway!

Starting at 32 is average. According to ONS the average age of a first time mother in 2021 was 30.9. Do you live somewhere with a parent population that skews very young?

OP if you had your kids earlier you may have had more youthful energy but also a lot of financial stress, worry, insecurity that you won't particularly have liked either.
30 -40 is still young, the idea you won't have energy is ridiculous.
You cannot have a perfect life and you picked what you did. It's the sensible choice.

I don't see.why you should have to justify the regret you feel, op. Asking if there are others who feel the same is fine. Starting younger does afford some advantages, like having the number of children you want if you want a larger family or increasing the gaps between pregnancies.

Is 32 an 'older' mother? 31 here and children, was not aware that I was old

OK, try and reframe that.

You grew up without financial security. If you'd had your children younger, you wouldn't have had the financial security you and DP needed. That would also have drained your energy - living hand to mouth in fear is extremely draining.

So actually your decision to wait is neutral - it was neither a good or a bad thing, it was just a decision you made that really can't be undone, so best to stop letting it intrude into your life.

I didn’t realise I was an older mum until now 😑