Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

@Gmary20 I would guess that they don't understand what feminism is. Many women see the campaigns for girls and women to be able to have equal access education and paid employment and take this to mean that feminism isnt for them if they havent engaged with higher ed or paid employment.

Are you suggesting 'feminism' stopped you having kids in your 20s? How so? Are you sure it's not that housing and life in general in much more expensive now and requires a joint income? Or that there are very few men who want to have kids in their early 20s? And why would having one at 37 be a 'different matter' - a whopping 4 years after you?

I went to a private girls school in the 1990s. It was drummed into us endlessly that getting pregnant was the absolute worst thing we could ever do. That it would destroy our lives and our careers. We were all terrified of it...so much so I knew girls from that school who got pregnant in their thirties in secure relationships and were absolutely petrified to tell their parents!

I was 24,27 & 35, I am a better mother in my 30’s than in my 20’s. Maybe that’s experience but I’m more patient now than I ever was

you may as well stop now, nothing is going to change, regret does nothing aside from make today sad.
Instead, can you achieve what you want quicker? Can you have the next kids closer together? Can you adopt?

stop regrets and guilt, achieves nothing. move on

You're not an older mum. In fact 32 for first DC is pretty standard... in my circles actually quite young! Most of us had our first at 35-ish.

And objectively it makes a whole lot of good sense to be financially stable before having a family.

So I don't understand your regret.

I wouldn't necessarily say you're an "older mum" in your 30s?!

That said, I do know what you mean. I had my first (and currently only though we hope to habe a 2nd) at 33 and I didn't know how much I would love it. So I do sometimes think in another life I'd loved to have started earlier so more would have been an option. More than 2 isn't realistic for us now, my partner is older than me and financially it would be tough.

This post makes no sense. compared to the national average you are not an older mother and you’re telling us you own several houses and are financially secure and yet you’re feeling bad about that? Sounds like something else is going on for you as this doesn’t add up….

if you hadn’t had your kids when you did then it wouldn’t have been your kids that you ended up with.

People in your position would be feeling extremely grateful. Shame you have it all and can’t now enjoy it. Worth finding a therapist to explore what this negative feeling is really about?

Why do you regret it? You wouldn’t have the children you do now if you’d had had them when you did. Sounds like you’ve done the sensible thing to provide for them and make sure they have a nice, stable life.
I became a Mum at 35, we are planning our second when I’ll be 37. I don’t regret anything, it was the right timeline for me. Everything happens for a reason.

Older mum here, first child at 34, second at 37. What I lack in energy and youth as a mum I more than make up for with experience and patience!

Have never regretted having a life before having children, in fact if anything I'm grateful because feel it's prepared me better.

Sounds like this is a matter of perspective. All I'll say is that if you aren't able to adjust yours soon, then later down the line you're going to end up regretting this wasted time that you've spent being regretful! Try living in the moment for your children, they deserve it ❤️

i wouldn’t class you as older. I assume your children are healthy - what’s to say a different child could have miscarried? Life’s all ifs and buts and you don’t know if by delaying you avoided heartbreak

Same here. They banged on about careers but not once was being a wife or having kids ever mentioned. The omission of any discussion about the family lead me to think it was “undesirable”. If I could have my time again I’d look for a decent husband in my early 20s, have kids and then if I wanted to, pursue an interesting career later.

Ignore all of the books and TV shows and (typically older and more judgmental) older health care professionals who have labelled you as "old". I'm 33 and went for my a 6 week scan and got called an older mum and it has really stuck with me. Made a throwaway comment about it to my midwife and she was genuinely annoyed that someone had made such a stupid comment to me and said that age doesn't even flag on their system until 38 - and even then most of the time, it gets ignored. She also told me one of her other mums is a 53 year old first time mum who is doing brilliantly. I'd like to have a 2nd at 37/38ish and not ruling out a 3rd in my 40s (though I should probably see how I get on with 1 first!)
My dad was an older dad in his 40s when I was born. I have great memories of him being a hands on dad and active throughout my childhood; I'm only just starting to notice him slowing down in his 70s.

Didn't go to private school but also had this! Had some unplanned pregnancies in my 20s (all ended in mc) and had so much anxiety telling anyone because it was so drummed into me that it's the worst thing ever.

Between the ages of like 10-27, I felt like I was constantly told "don't get pregnant, it'll ruin your life" (also "you'll have unprotected sex one time and get pregnant") and then at 27, it was like a light switch and suddenly everyone was telling me to hurry up and have babies and now I'm in my 30s, I've got people telling me I'm too old and that if I hadn't left it so long, it might not have taken more than a year to conceive 🙈🤷‍♀️

On the other hand I unexpectedly had a baby at 20. I'm 36. Struggling financially I wish I'd waited to be able to give my children more

Sorry but I find this quite bizarre, firstly your age isn’t classed in the category as being an older mum, it’s very common for people to have their first babies in their 30s? 40s plus I would categorise as older mums. Also, you said you regret waiting but your reasons were because you both didn’t have much growing up so you both wanted everything in place before children which is what you’ve done. Where’s the regret? You’re young? You’ve purchased a home? You have a career? Everything you’ve done is a tick and is everything you wanted for your babies ..

All I would say is never regret, its absolutely futile. I get that you feel how you feel but you can't change the past so there really isn't any point in dwelling on the 'what ifs'. I had my first child at 17, and then 2 more at 33 and 34. Im 50 now. I have spent my entire adult life bringing up kids mostly as a single parent. Somehow in the meantime I managed to qualify as a primary teacher and live abroad. Do I have savings, pensions, investments? No. Am I a homowner or ever going to be? No. Have I been able to give my kids the best financial start? Again no. You have done that, its a good thing. Don't waste your life on regret, just live it xx

You can't live with the what ifs and regrets. I regret not having kids later. We were young. Had no money. Always worried if we will be able to afford what we need and we always struggled. We also missed us times as we didn't have much of alone time. So in all scenarios you can feel regret. Just enjoy your family and good moments. Be happy with what you have and don't look back! :)

Hey I wanted to write to let you know you’re not alone in how you feel.
Growing up I always wanted to be a young mum. My mum was older and I was always so embarrassed (and still am)
I knew a few people whose mums were in their late teens/early 20s when their kids were born and to me it always seemed amazing. These same mums then became grandmothers in their 30s or early 40s.
That was the life I dreamt of for myself but unfortunately things didn’t work out that way. I had my first baby at 27, I’m now 29 and won’t have another for at least a few years. It’s hard when life didn’t work out how you wanted it to. I’m sure you’re a great mum and your kids are lucky to have you.

@Oldermumhum
I had some very similar circumstances to you, down to having my eldest at 31. I didn't particularly feel like an older mum, but I had been having "When are you going to have kids?" queries for a while because OH and I had been together since we were teenagers. I wanted 3 as well.

We'd been waiting for me to finish a Master's degree and my OH hadn't been very well, but his health was doing better and we finally went for it. I had a second at 33 (which was a bit of a short gap: 2 under 2 was exhausting! But I was worried it would take a long time to conceive. It didn't.)

Unfortunately OH's health, which turns out to be a chronic condition, took a downturn when 2 was still a baby and has never entirely recovered. He was pretty poorly for about five years, and meanwhile I had mild PND and a few health problems as well. So the right time for number 3 just never came.

I felt quite regretful (even resentful!) for several years. It feels a bit like pointless wallowing now, but at the time I didn't seem to be able to help it. But a little bit short of my self-imposed deadline for having number 3, I suddenly realised we were done and I was OK with it. We have a lovely couple of kids who are good pals and good company, things were going better on the health front, and our life was starting to be less like hard work.

Would I like circumstances to have aligned? Yes, and I know number 2 would have liked a sister (not that you can guarantee that!) but I am happy with where we are now and wouldn't launch back into nappies and broken sleep and tantrums.

Whether it happens for you or not, I hope there will come a time when you see your family as yours, however that looks in the end, and don't feel regrets. Anything could happen! You might have twins on this go-round. You may feel much happier and raring to go for another at 40. You don't know yet.

I don't think 31 is an older mum tbh.

It's good you sorted a house and income. What breaks up most partnerships? Money.

I had my first at 36 and 2nd at 42. Still probably going to go for a third DC next year, I'll be 45 by the time he or she is born!

I wanted to get pregnant at 30 but i was too stressed at work and probably a bit too thin (have had on-off eating disorder since i was 5years old). It didn't happen.

When i was 34 i feel pregnant, husband is 43.

Baby 2 i was 38 and husband 47.

Husband does struggle with less sleep and being older.

I’m still hoping for a 3rd if I can and if hubby gets used to the idea.

You cannot waste energy with regrets. But I do understand where you are coming from. Life is perfectly imperfect.

Jaysus wept, 32 is hardly "an older mother" neither is 34. Pretty average these day - I'm a midwife so see women of this age all the time.
37 isn't old either!
I had my first at 38 and second at 40
Lived lots first, had my kids, still lots of living left to do. I've just turned 50 - age is just a number, I felt like a very young mum when I had my kids and still feel like a 28 year old!

Older mum?? Don't be so ridiculous.

I was 43 when I had our child and don't regret the decision one bit. DH was 55. He's a very hands on on dad and DS is flying.

Similar ages here, my special 40th gift and 50th for DH! (Not his first but my first)
after a long wait so so happy 😀