Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

If you're low on energy in your early 30s, go see a Dr. You might be lacking some vitamin or other.

It's actually insane that someone considers conceiving at 31 'quite late' 😳

You know from your childhood experiences that you did the right thing. Wanting your child to have had a crapper childhood for the sake of some hypothetical siblings is silly. Concentrate on what you actually have and devote your limited energy to your actual child.

Apologies to people who think this post is insulting to some people as it's just my genuine feeling not intended to hurt anyone.

Exactly! I think it’s probably the ideal age ( if such a thing exists) to have a child… have had twenties without too much responsibility, but still young and energetic!

Perhaps you could acknowledge you are not an “older mum” then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Older mum 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

As your children grow up you'll learn the true meaning of "the best laid plans of mice and humans of unspecified gender..." They have a way of taking all the ideas we had about planning the perfect family life around them, throwing them all down the toilet and coming up with something random, unforeseen, delightful and/or exasperating instead, which you're then forced to work around and work your thinking around with no preparation whatsoever.

Trust me, when they're 18 the fact that you weren't the "right" age when they were born will be the least of the shattered preconceptions you look back and either laugh or cry about.

I think it would be foolish to have done the opposite. I'm an older mum, 2nd child when I was 40! Almost everyone in my dc class seem to be around the same age too. Why would being financially stable, secure jobs and housing be anything but the best situation to bring children into.

Technically 31 is the average age to have a first child so you are literally the perfect average.

Yes Op if you have low energy it may be worth asking for a blood test. Could it also be because you have a young child, not getting enough sleep? Having a child at 32 has certainly knackered me!

I for one am not offended but just a bit baffled why you would think you've had your kids old when you've had them at an average age. Who/what is making you feel this way...? Don't you have colleagues, friends etc who have had kids to give you a benchmark for how old mums are...?

I don't think people really get your post. I do, so I hope I can help. I had ds at 33. Difficult birth and hated newborn stage. Decided against no. 2 because I felt old and broken - my body has never felt the same since and I do wonder if I would have 'bounced back' better in my 20s and been able to regain the fitness that I can't seem to now as always have niggles / injuries. If I might have had a second dc etc etc.

There are a couple of things that helped me. Firstly, I remembered that in my 20s I didn't want dc and at the time I wouldn't have been happy, I was more interested in travel, partying, work, hobbies. Maybe you felt differently, but you made your decision for good reasons. You might have had more energy in your 20s but you may have been stressed out for financial reasons. You might have decided against more kids because you couldn't afford it or you wanted to progress your career. Maybe your relationship wouldn't be as strong now.

I think it is very easy to look at the road not travelled and think if I'd done x,y,z my life would be better, but the reality could have been quite different. Mindfulness helps, as does focusing on the good things about the path you did choose. E.g. for me, I have much more patience and empathy than I did in my 20s, that I think makes me a better parent. Dc is very suited to being an only in terms of personality. For you, it could be financial security and the extra opportunities you can give your kids - Maybe the holidays and days out you enjoy wouldn't have been possible if you'd had them earlier.

And this too. Older is me being 41. At 31 I wasn't even ready to have a child. In fact don't know anyone who had a child that 'young'.

i had mine at 32,33 and 37. Never considered myself an older parent to any of them! I am in London though. Youngest is now 3.5 and I’m 41. I’ve got plenty of energy, a nice flexible professional job that I do part time and financial security. No regrets at all.

I assumed from the title you'd be saying you'd had first child in your 40s and saying you're exhausted and older than all the other mums.

You're not a 'older' mum at all. What you've prioritised re: money is entirely normal and most people don't think twice about it. It sounds like you come from backgrounds where most people have kids younger but honestly what you've done is totally normal and responsibile.

As others have said there's no point feeling regret, you can't change it and honestly it's not something to be regretting in the first place.

That doesn't even register as an 'older mum' to me!

We don't regret it at all! I was 36 and 39 when our two were born (husband older) and we've been able to retire early so have been around for all the 11+ work, school events etc. A decade earlier and we'd have both been so busy with work etc that it would have been really stressful. The only thing is that I'd have liked to be a younger grandparent when the time comes - I'll probably be in my 60s or even 70s.

For example I'm one of the youngest mums at the birthday parties for dd's class. So many data points to tell me I'm a youngish mum having had her at 31.

First born at 40 after thinking I’d never conceive. No regrets :)

I was the second youngest in my NCT class at 31

An Older mum, are you taking the piss?

I was 43 when I had DS (DH in his 50’s) and my friend was 46 when she had her DS.

I have zero regrets because we’re all healthy and very happy.

I wouldn’t call that ‘older’, not nowadays. My dd had hers at 38,,39, and nearly 43. Several of her friends have been similar.

It was different a few decades ago of course. I was down in my notes as an ‘elderly primigravida’ at 28 - and to be fair, the other new mums on the ward were 19-23 ish.

No matter what option you had taken, there will always be some misgivings about some life choices. Its just human to have a bit of 'buyers regret'! You are not old by any means.

Dude... Just... get a grip.
People are having kids in their 40s.
If you feel low on energy, talk to your doctor. That is NOT an age thing!

I am 14 weeks pregnant at 40, my first pregnancy, and I dont feel low on energy, so maybe what you need is a medical check up!
SMH