Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

Some houses? We have no houses. And it’s fine.

Which is a good thing.

Your age seems about average for motherhood these days!
Not older at all.

Older Mum is having your first at 40, in my book.

And no one in my ante natal class was younger than about 37.

YABU to describe 31-35 as an older mum. Up to 35 is pretty normal IMO and you're only an older mum if you're 36+.

However, if your partner is already 40, I think he's getting too old, because sperm quality declines as well, so if you both want a third, I wouldn't hang around, and would get on with conceiving DC2 now.

FWIW, I was 31 & 34 (and DH 33 & 36) when our children were born, but I only ever wanted 2 and definitely don't want any more.

That sounds sensible

Obviously no one can tell you how to feel, but I do find your reasoning a little odd or insubstantial. It’s extremely important to be very stable before having children as it’s difficult (it can be impossible) to gain that stability afterwards due to so many factors - less time, lower energy, higher outgoings.

The age you had your first is also completely average and unremarkable. Thirdly, I wouldn’t hedge your bets on wanting a third before you’ve even conceived your second - having a second can often be a game changer.

Why?

It sounds like the sensible thing, and you are still pretty young.

I feel the same. We were together from when I was 21 and he was 24 but we didn't start trying till I was 30. I had my third at 37 and would love a 4th but I feel too old. I wish we had them when I was 25.
I had no idea I would love being a mum though, thought I'd be content with one or two.

What makes it so much worse is I had a termination age 19, and often think about what it would be like to have a 19 year old now. I regret it intensely.
I wish I had the answer to getting over regrets.

Try to focus on how lucky you are to be able to conceive, a lot of people can't and have to start trying even later because they haven't met a partner etc. Most people's lives don't pan out exactly how they want them to.

You are not an older parent, that’s actually quite insulting to those of us that actually are!
I had my DD at 41, what does that make me then- a dinosaur?!

What a bizarre thing to regret.

That's average age!

And these days you can't buy a house in your 20s or live off one salary, if you have kids young it can be hard to ever get to a decent standard of living.

I had mine at 34 and 37, didn't feel particularly old.

Right, so it really was the sensible choice then.

I don’t see the problem? You aren’t old.

I’m not belittling your anxieties and regrets because of course they are bothering you but I’m going to be honest you’re not an “older mum”. 32 and 35 are average ages to become a mum. If you take a look at government website most first time mums are 31 and a half years old. So firstly would try and stop labelling yourself as an old mum because you’re not and it’s not going to help your mindset! Also, even if you was an older mum it really wouldn’t matter at all.

You can’t go back and change anything now and I’m sure you’re a great mum. You may of had them in your 20’s and may of regretted having them younger for other reasons too. You’ll never know.

If it helps in our antenatal group with 10 couples we was the youngest (28 and 31) all other couples between 32-43 first time babies x

No regret

Wanted to be a mum at 32/33 but Mother Nature didn't play ball

Took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf

Finally became a mum and gave birth just before I was 44

Just forever grateful that I'm now a mummy

Being older I'm more financially secure - have a house and did all the night clubs and pubs when I was teens/20/30

I wouldn't think of that as old, I was 31 & 33, xh 40 & 42, and loads of my friends had theirs late 30s/early 40s. Regret is a waste of time as you can't change it!

Where do you live that 32 is an old mum?!

I feel the same as you OP.
I had my first at 30, second at 35, and wish I had had them younger.
My parents were early 20s when I was born, my Nan was 40 when I was born, and it is so great having young grandparents, and my kids still having great grandparents around.
I do sometimes feel a bit sad that my children won't have that.

I didn't meet DH until I was nearly 30, married and then had DS at 33. For various reasons we delayed TTC no2 and the twins were born when I was a few weeks shy of 38.
I don't get the MN thing where I'm supposed to despair so being so very old and having my kids at home into my decrepitude. I'm old for where we live but not in the context of my friend from high school and Uni.
I'm a different Mom than I would have been in my 20s, and that doesn't mean better just because I was young

I was older when I had mine too, 31 and 32. If we were to have a third I'd be 36 or 37, which feels late (to me) to be starting the newborn stage again and paying for nursery into my 40s. DP is a few years younger so no issues there.
I go between wanting a third and not for various reasons, but age is definitely a big factor.

37 is "older" but I don't see why you wouldn't have a 3rd child then if you wanted one. My mum had me at 42.

Your ages sound about average tbh . Ds1 was born when I was 27 and I'm definitely one of the youngest mums at the school gates. I was quite immature when I was in my 20s and I'm a single mum now so sometimes I wish that I hadn't settled so young and found a more suitable man to father my dc but then I wouldn't have the dc I have now.

Yeah same here! At 31 I was in no position to even consider it. Pushed from one rented place after another, we couldn't start thinking about it until we were late 30s. After 2 miscarriages I had my one and only at 40. So that's old! Consider yourself lucky you have been able to have your kids when you did.

God this post is depressing. I clicked expecting to be able to sympathise with an actual older mum but no 🤦‍♂️ I had mine at 41, I feel ancient 😆 you're not old OP, enjoy your kids!

I was 37 when my son was born. I don't regret it. I made the right choice and was in the right place mentally and emotionally at that time. I do not at all wish I'd had him younger.

Ba ha ha ha.
In your 30’s is not ‘an older mum’.

Its average. You are average. Is being average bad? I don’t think so.

Whats so bad about being an older mum anyway? Is it being more confident? Bringing more to the table life- experience wise? Perhaps being more emotionally mature upsets you?

Why not have your children closer together? You can conceive two in a year - give that a go. Or have twins?

TBH you might need to see a GP about anxiety issues if you think having children in your mid-thirties makes you feel old.

I have 3 kids and started at 34!

I was going to say, move to London! I had my first at 29 and was the youngest of our NCT group. Your ages are pretty average for my circles.

Whilst I can understand your regret, on the other hand once you are a parent you can never stop being one. You presumably are more financially stable etc too which will help.