DD doesn’t want play date

LavendersBlueeee · 2023-10-05T08:18:38+00:00

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses! The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go. I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them. any advice?

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

Dessertinthedesert · 05/10/2023 09:33

I wouldn’t be making child go to any play date she doesn’t want to go to. You need to think carefully about what your telling your daughter about staying in uncomfortable situations and the right to say no.

I would be saying to the other parent that DD needs down time to chill at home.

JemOfAWoman · 05/10/2023 09:33

Respect that she doesn't want to go and just tell the other mum, "really sorry but for some reason DD just doesn't want to play"
Forcing her to do something to 'be kind' is absolutely not the way to go. Girls are constantly expected to ignore their feelings and wants to 'be kind' - how about we respect her on this one?

Malificent1 · 05/10/2023 09:34

Don’t break down her boundaries. She doesn’t want to go to this girl’s house and has asked you not to make her go. Support her in that.

Not wanting to go to someone’s house is very different to excluding them from games at school etc. She shouldn’t be forced to go.

Tiswa · 05/10/2023 09:34

Just say that your DD doesn’t like doing play dates after school

and look at the fact you would rather force your daughter to do something she clearly doesn’t want to do rather than upset other people. You do not have to people please at the expense of your own or your DD feelings.

it is an invitation it can be declined. You can say no to things. Mumsnet is full of posts of women who due to not being able to say no are taken advantage of

MatildaTheCat · 05/10/2023 09:35

Just tell the mother really nicely that your DD is going through a phase of not wanting play dates at the moment. Obviously if she’s doing lots with other children that won’t work.

But no, don’t send her somewhere she doesn’t want to go, it’s supposed to be fun for her not an act of kindness to another child.

AutumnFroglets · 05/10/2023 09:36

Your child doesn't want to be friends with her. Why are you forcing your child into situations she doesn't want to be in. Why are other peoples opinions worth more than your child?

Who continually broke down your boundaries whenyou were a child for you to think your behaviour is acceptable?

KindLynx · 05/10/2023 09:39

I've had this many times with my dd now 11. It happened with a few play dates in primary but more so with one particular dd, whose parents were rather thick skinned and kept asking even after it should have become obvious I was politely saying please stop asking! In the end I was open with the mum (who is lovely!) and told her I wasn't sure what was going on but dd just isn't inclined to play dates these days and what we should do instead is I'd let her know when that changes. She was fine. Her husband a bit less so cos he continued to ask and then I did get quite blunt.

As a side note, dd is autistic. We didn't know that then and in any case I would have done the same either way.

Keroppi · 05/10/2023 09:40

Has she already agreed and now doesn't want to go?

CaineRaine · 05/10/2023 09:41

Malificent1 · 05/10/2023 09:34

Don’t break down her boundaries. She doesn’t want to go to this girl’s house and has asked you not to make her go. Support her in that.

Not wanting to go to someone’s house is very different to excluding them from games at school etc. She shouldn’t be forced to go.

Totally this, I’d say something like “Thanks for asking her, she’s not keen on a playdate at the moment, I’ll let you know if that changes”. Don’t over explain or apologise, you need to model to your DD that she is in control of who she spends time with.

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:43

Thanks for the replies so far.
Other girls is nice enough, she’s just not my DDs cup of tea. DD tolerates her at school and is perfectly nice to her, but just doesn’t want it to extend out of school. I think she struggles enough with her at school so doesn’t want to make any extra effort with her when quite frankly for whatever reason she just doesn’t really like her. As I say, just not get cup of tea. She even declined this girls party invite as to not have to spend any extra time with her.

Absolutely want to respect her boundaries and don’t want her to think I’ll make her do something she doesn’t want to. I’ve made excuses so many times, the mum is now asking my outright So when is good for you?

Mum knows DD goes to other peoples houses so that’s the predicament

OP posts:

LorraineBainMcFly · 05/10/2023 09:45

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

So don't be 'kind' to her own daughter and make her do something she said she doesn't want to?

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:47

AutumnFroglets · 05/10/2023 09:36

Your child doesn't want to be friends with her. Why are you forcing your child into situations she doesn't want to be in. Why are other peoples opinions worth more than your child?

Who continually broke down your boundaries whenyou were a child for you to think your behaviour is acceptable?

Edited

Errr.. I’m not forcing her to be friends. I’ve never sent her for a play date there any time she’s been asked. But the mum has invited again so I’m on here asking for advice on what to say next as I’m out of all the excuses.
Maybe I didn’t explain myself well in my OP, maybe you didn’t read it properly. Seems like a weirdly triggering post for you.

OP posts:

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/10/2023 09:48

Totally this, I’d say something like “Thanks for asking her, she’s not keen on a playdate at the moment, I’ll let you know if that changes”. Don’t over explain or apologise, you need to model to your DD that she is in control of who she spends time with.

This with knobs on. Even if you want everyone with a vagina to "be kind", it doesn't extend to giving up hours of your time to hang out with a child you don't like.

arintingly · 05/10/2023 09:49

I tend to just say something like "DS is saying he doesn't want to do xxx - you know how kids can be sometimes!"

Chestnutz · 05/10/2023 09:49

Do not force your DD to go. Just thank her for the invite and say that you’re not sure they are getting on as well as they used to. You’re not sure whether it will blow over or not but maybe let’s see in a few months.

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:50

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:47

Errr.. I’m not forcing her to be friends. I’ve never sent her for a play date there any time she’s been asked. But the mum has invited again so I’m on here asking for advice on what to say next as I’m out of all the excuses.
Maybe I didn’t explain myself well in my OP, maybe you didn’t read it properly. Seems like a weirdly triggering post for you.

Edited

Show quote history

The LTB brigade are out in force.🙄

Sicario · 05/10/2023 09:52

You don't need an "excuse". It sounds like you are uncomfortable with saying no and setting boundaries, which is your problem rather than your DD's. This is typical of female conditioning where we are taught from an early age to be people pleasers. Lots of us fall into this trap and we need to practice saying NO.

You're going to have to take a deep breath and just tell the mother that your daughter doesn't want to do a play date. Otherwise she will keep asking and pressing you.

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:52

Keroppi · 05/10/2023 09:40

Has she already agreed and now doesn't want to go?

no she’s said the girl at school keeps asking and she’s told her Maybe because she didn’t want to just say no she doesn’t want to as this girl would start crying. The mum has now asked me again if DD can go over and asked me when is good. I know they are free every day.

OP posts:

Namerequired · 05/10/2023 09:52

Is it not really strange for a 7yr old to turn down a party invitation just because that person isn’t their cup of tea? Sure all her friends would be there. Yanbu for whatever reason to tell the parent your dd doesn’t want to do the play date, and you should do so. I would have concerns there’s more to this though.

Justaredherring · 05/10/2023 09:54

OP, I don’t understand why you can’t just say to the mum that DD just doesn’t want to go?

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:56

Sicario · 05/10/2023 09:52

You don't need an "excuse". It sounds like you are uncomfortable with saying no and setting boundaries, which is your problem rather than your DD's. This is typical of female conditioning where we are taught from an early age to be people pleasers. Lots of us fall into this trap and we need to practice saying NO.

You're going to have to take a deep breath and just tell the mother that your daughter doesn't want to do a play date. Otherwise she will keep asking and pressing you.

Yes totally your right it’s a me thing. I just cringe at the idea of saying No sorry my DD thinks your DD is a bit of dick and barely tolerates her at school, so doesn’t want a play date -lol-
the mum thinks they are the best of friends as this other girl doesn’t have many (cos she’s a pain as far as I can see) and thinks me and her are friends too, so it’s awkward

OP posts:

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/10/2023 09:56

I think you have had some great responses here OP, I agree that its not good to make her go if she doesn't want to. I do agree with PP that it seems really odd to decline the birthday party invite, unless it was only her going. Maybe have a word and see if friend is actually being ok to her or if something else is up?

regularmumnotacoolmum · 05/10/2023 09:57

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:43

Thanks for the replies so far.
Other girls is nice enough, she’s just not my DDs cup of tea. DD tolerates her at school and is perfectly nice to her, but just doesn’t want it to extend out of school. I think she struggles enough with her at school so doesn’t want to make any extra effort with her when quite frankly for whatever reason she just doesn’t really like her. As I say, just not get cup of tea. She even declined this girls party invite as to not have to spend any extra time with her.

Absolutely want to respect her boundaries and don’t want her to think I’ll make her do something she doesn’t want to. I’ve made excuses so many times, the mum is now asking my outright So when is good for you?

Mum knows DD goes to other peoples houses so that’s the predicament

I would go in the play date and take DD with me. That way it's not something you're forcing her to do but instead something you are doing and she is coming along. You're going to have a catch up with the girl's mum and DD is going along. Keep to a short play date or an organised activity that has an end time like those ceramic pottery places.

JustMarriedBecca · 05/10/2023 09:58

I wouldn't tell the other parent DD didn't want to go. As a parent, I'd be offended.
I also don't think you can make her go.

I'd just say "I'll let you know when we have a free evening, you know what it's like with clubs and homework and the juggle. DD gets so worn out at this time of year" shrug apologetically and ignore text messages.