Page 4 | DD doesn’t want play date

LavendersBlueeee · 2023-10-05T08:18:38+00:00

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses! The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go. I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them. any advice?

Helena91 · 05/10/2023 11:01

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Helena91 · 05/10/2023 11:03

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It's not a stranger, it's someone her daughter has to deal with at school, so yes, it's a sensitive issue that needs to be handled in a sensitive way. And as for people who don't give a s about the feelings of others, we could do with less of those in the world. Also, saying no to s* has literally nothing to do with this, so stop with the hysterics. Most normal, rational people understand that you can be considerate of someone else's feelings without sleeping with them.....You seem to lack compassion and empathy. Do better.

OneOfThoseOldFashionedWomen · 05/10/2023 11:04

ohdamnitjanet · 05/10/2023 10:57

Yes they really are! Some people are so rude, your post was perfectly clear that you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

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She is willing to hurt her daughters. This is why children stop talking to parents- because they don't listen.

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 11:05

Helena91 · 05/10/2023 11:03

It's not a stranger, it's someone her daughter has to deal with at school, so yes, it's a sensitive issue that needs to be handled in a sensitive way. And as for people who don't give a s about the feelings of others, we could do with less of those in the world. Also, saying no to s* has literally nothing to do with this, so stop with the hysterics. Most normal, rational people understand that you can be considerate of someone else's feelings without sleeping with them.....You seem to lack compassion and empathy. Do better.

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Saying "no thank you, no playdate for now" politely IS being considerate of people's feeling.

Saying "hell no, your daughter is such an annoying brat my child would rather stay and clean the loo than having to spend 1 hour with her, why can't you take no for an answer", now that would be very mean, unkind and uncalled for.

If people are so over-sensitive they can't handle normal relationships, they need to work on themselves!

Beamur · 05/10/2023 11:09

Saying "no thank you, no playdate for now" politely IS being considerate of people's feeling

And then they ask why...

Moveoverdarlin · 05/10/2023 11:10

It is really awkward, all these posters saying ‘just say she doesn’t want to go!’ Are just deluded, it’s rude.

I would keep doing what you’re doing and waffle on, and just keep swerving it. When she asks again say ‘well the next few weeks are a nightmare for us as my husband is working away certain days and I’ve got to drop my Mum to see her sister in hospital on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I’ve had an email about swimming moving to a Wednesday. I’ll let you know, my head is spinning with dates, and my work have just asked me to do more days. Blah blah blah... And I would just distance yourself a bit. Just a smile and a wave in the mornings instead of chatting.

FarmGirl78 · 05/10/2023 11:11

"Just know I’ll be hurting hers and her DDs feelings and they have done nothing wrong"

Why the hell are you more bothered about this Mothers feelings over the feelings over your own child? Your Daughter needs you to put HER first in this situation. All you're doing is showing her she matters less to you than this random grown up. Get your priorities sorted!

"I said I’ll speak to DD and she when we are free."
But you know already your Daughter doesn't want to go! By saying this you're giving the Mother and other child false hope. And then you're going back to your Daughter to try and persuade her, and making her feel all squirmy and nervous and aggitated all over again that yet again she's being pushed into a situation she dreads being in. This must be like low level never ending tortune for your poor Daughter.

She is asking for your help and needs to know she can rely on you for something very easy and straightforward - she just doesn't want to spend time with this girl. Be the Mother your Daughter needs and tell this mother "She just isn't up for it, sorry". And it ends there. If she asks another time, repeat the same.

WandaWonder · 05/10/2023 11:12

Beamur · 05/10/2023 11:09

Saying "no thank you, no playdate for now" politely IS being considerate of people's feeling

And then they ask why...

If we invited people for a play date and they say they can't make it, I don't need to ask why

If we were asked for a play date and we can't make it don't feel the need to answer why we just can't make it

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:12

@MNetcurtains
God forbid you should be "kind" or consider other's feelings. Clearly a violation of your DC's human rights which will, of course, turn her into a doormat for the rest of her life!!! 🙄

Nah, don't give it another thought and just go ahead and help raise the next generation of mean girls.

It is a really awkward situation and it's a credit to you that you're concerned about others feelings.God forbid you should be "kind" or consider other's feelings. Clearly a violation of your DC's human rights which will, of course, turn her into a doormat for the rest of her life!!! 🙄

Yes to this exactly! 👏
”Be kind” … expect when MNers tell you not to be.

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Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:12

The mum is actually really nice and not pushy at all. Her DD is OTT and she knows this is the reason she doesn’t have many friends. She’s not a mean child, she’s just a lot to deal with. I think this is why the mum is trying really hard to forge friendships for her DD cos she’s clearly struggling to make them herself.

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Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:12

Some of the replies on here have made me think of other threads on MN from the other point of view. I’ve often seen parents posting saying their DC is always asking for play dates and inviting to parties and gets knock backs and how shit they feel for their child. The replies are nearly always that the child and the parent constantly saying should be more thoughtful and kind. I rarely see replies saying They said no, get over it, there kids not wanting to play with yours are more important than yours or your DCs feelings.
So as much as I want to respect my DDs boundaries and right to say no, I am also mindful of others feelings because I’m not a total asshole and know that the other mum and DD haven’t done anything wrong, they just want the DD to have a friend. Unfortunately it seems that my DD is not that person. But this girl doesn’t have many friends so they are trying to take the opportunities to have play dates. How shit is that for them if everyone just keeps saying no?

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FarmGirl78 · 05/10/2023 11:13

Beamur · 05/10/2023 11:09

Saying "no thank you, no playdate for now" politely IS being considerate of people's feeling

And then they ask why...

Well that's when you say "Because I've asked her and she just doesn't want to".

HelpMeGetThrough · 05/10/2023 11:13

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

How to raise a people pleaser 101.

henrysugar12 · 05/10/2023 11:15

Why can't you just say no?

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:15

GingerIsBest · 05/10/2023 10:32

I completely understand that it's awkward, but I do think you also need to stick up for your DD here.

I had a similar situation a couple of years ago and eventually I had to say to the other mum, "I'm really sorry, but for whatever reason DD just doesn't seem to want to do a playdate with "Martha". I don't really know why and I'm encouraging her but I'm afraid I don't want to force her."

I tried to acknowledge that it was hard for the other mum and her DD, and that I understood that might be upsetting, but without forcing my DD to attend a playdate she didn't want to. I still feel bad about it - this little girl is lovely and she clearly wanted to be DD's friend - but what can you do!?

Yes I like that, thank you @GingerIsBest

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SafferUpNorth · 05/10/2023 11:15

I would keep doing what you’re doing and waffle on, and just keep swerving it. When she asks again say ‘well the next few weeks are a nightmare for us as my husband is working away certain days and I’ve got to drop my Mum to see her sister in hospital on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I’ve had an email about swimming moving to a Wednesday. I’ll let you know, my head is spinning with dates, and my work have just asked me to do more days. Blah blah blah... And I would just distance yourself a bit. Just a smile and a wave in the mornings instead of chatting.

Sounds like the OP has tried this - zquillions of practical excuses - but the mum is not backing down. Actually accosted her in the playground.

Time to be open and honest. Not rude. Just honest. "Sorry DD seems to want to keep this as as an at-school friendship, and is not keen on playdates with your daughter after school."

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:16

@Graciebobcat Sorry to hear that, that’s a really pleasant situation for you to have been in. The difference here though is that the DD is all needy and pushy, but the mum isn’t at all, she is just trying to make her obviously difficult daughter make friends.

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WandaWonder · 05/10/2023 11:17

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:12

Some of the replies on here have made me think of other threads on MN from the other point of view. I’ve often seen parents posting saying their DC is always asking for play dates and inviting to parties and gets knock backs and how shit they feel for their child. The replies are nearly always that the child and the parent constantly saying should be more thoughtful and kind. I rarely see replies saying They said no, get over it, there kids not wanting to play with yours are more important than yours or your DCs feelings.
So as much as I want to respect my DDs boundaries and right to say no, I am also mindful of others feelings because I’m not a total asshole and know that the other mum and DD haven’t done anything wrong, they just want the DD to have a friend. Unfortunately it seems that my DD is not that person. But this girl doesn’t have many friends so they are trying to take the opportunities to have play dates. How shit is that for them if everyone just keeps saying no?

I can't speak for any other posters but play dates were not the bee all and end all of my life, I did not have deep and meaningful conferences to discuss the ins and outs of what is going on or do

'Do you want to come round at 10 for a play day'

Answer yes pleade or no thanks

I moved on, people really do have issues if they can't accept that as a invitees or inviter

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:17

*unpleasant

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AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 05/10/2023 11:17

I 100% understand the awkwardness, but I think you might have to be a bit more honest from now that she doesn't want to go. You can't be "busy" every week forever.

On a side note though, most posters on Mumsnet really don't subscribe to "be kind" and it gets shot down a lot. It's used to shut women (and girls) up when they raise points that make others uncomfortable.

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 11:19

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:12

Some of the replies on here have made me think of other threads on MN from the other point of view. I’ve often seen parents posting saying their DC is always asking for play dates and inviting to parties and gets knock backs and how shit they feel for their child. The replies are nearly always that the child and the parent constantly saying should be more thoughtful and kind. I rarely see replies saying They said no, get over it, there kids not wanting to play with yours are more important than yours or your DCs feelings.
So as much as I want to respect my DDs boundaries and right to say no, I am also mindful of others feelings because I’m not a total asshole and know that the other mum and DD haven’t done anything wrong, they just want the DD to have a friend. Unfortunately it seems that my DD is not that person. But this girl doesn’t have many friends so they are trying to take the opportunities to have play dates. How shit is that for them if everyone just keeps saying no?

This! 100% this.

Teacup80 · 05/10/2023 11:20

we’ve been on the other side of this - one of my children has autistic traits not diagnosed yet and wanted a friend to come over and the mum after a couple of times saying they couldn’t or not answering just said they weren’t feeling that sociable at the moment for whatever reason and would get back to me. It did sting, but we were getting similar responses from other parents. My kid was just quite high need at that time so hard to be around. I did speak to my kid and explain that friendships are give and take and they could either have friends or have everything their own way all the time and we just took a break from trying for playdates. My kid has relaxed and found friendships easier and is having enthusiastic lovely playdates again. I guess what I am getting at is you’re probably not the only family turning her down, which may soften the blow a bit. I think it’s lovely your wanting to do it in a kind way though

EaudeJavel · 05/10/2023 11:20

Beamur · 05/10/2023 11:09

Saying "no thank you, no playdate for now" politely IS being considerate of people's feeling

And then they ask why...

then they are being very rude!

If they are asking for frank answer, they can have one, but then they can't moan it was unkind when they are the pushy ones.

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:20

WandaWonder · 05/10/2023 10:50

Play dates are not mandatory why on earth does she have to go?

Sure a one off she agrees to go then decides no it not fair but this is not the first time So why repeat the situation?

No she’s never been, this would be the first time.
And no of course she doesn’t have to go, which is why I have never sent her to their house on previous invites.

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WandaWonder · 05/10/2023 11:22

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 11:20

No she’s never been, this would be the first time.
And no of course she doesn’t have to go, which is why I have never sent her to their house on previous invites.

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Then just keep on saying no, it does not have be a drama