DD doesn’t want play date

[LavendersBlueeee]

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

You don't have to say anything mean about the other girl. Just "oh DD doesn't want to at the moment, you know how kids are" if pushed "oh you know 7 year olds, they go through phases". Just keep it light and vague

So the Mum is persistent, thick skinned, pushy...

You find her difficult to deal with.

I wonder what her daughter's like? Is it any wonder your daughter doesn't want to spend extra time with her?

It’s also ok to say no to parties if they didn’t want to go - nothing unusual about that.

Remember you're not responsible for the feelings of others, I think you have to say no clearly to avoid being asked again without being unkind. My little one hero worshiped a boy 2 years above and invited him to his birthday. The mum said 'I have spoken to him, they get on in X club but he said he doesn't want play outside school, sorry!' and I said no problem! And that was that :)

I hear you OP! DD was very selective who she would play with outside of school as she didn't really like all the kids she was at school with and it is rude to be that blunt.
It's really hard because everything sounds like an excuse (which it is). So, you might have to go with a version of the truth. Say you're only doing a few playdates at the moment because it's tiring and DD is preferring to play with X and Y - so you won't firm up any arrangements at the moment. Friendship dynamics change - say maybe we'll leave it this term and see how the girls are again after half term/Christmas.

I think you’re being rather naive OP, the mother is not taking the hint because she ALREADY KNOWS exactly what is going on; she knows full well your daughter doesn’t want to go on a playdate. Your daughter declined the birthday invitation, you’ve already made several excuses over and over again, plus your daughter has obviously said no in the past to know her daughter would cry.

I’m guessing this girl doesn’t have a lot of friends / is struggling with friendships and her mother sees you and your daughter as a soft touch (precisely because you’re both trying to be kind and pussyfooting around). My guess is she’s playing dumb and hoping you’ll cave in if she puts enough pressure on you hence why she’s gone from ‘can we organise a playdate’ to ‘when are you free’ etc. I honestly think the mother knows and is deliberately trying to force the issue by taking advantage of your good nature.

God forbid you should be "kind" or consider other's feelings. Clearly a violation of your DC's human rights which will, of course, turn her into a doormat for the rest of her life!!! 🙄

Nah, don't give it another thought and just go ahead and help raise the next generation of mean girls.

It is a really awkward situation and it's a credit to you that you're concerned about others feelings.

If the parent gets offended and can't accept the no, or even take the hint, she's likely the reason why the child is so annoying!

Exactly.

There was one girl at school, M, I used to have a love hate relationship with, eventually she left me alone. I'd be friendly but then she would be all intense and needy and always have to sit next to me, and she copied my work, which made me really worried I'd get into trouble- if we both handed in the same incorrect answers!

Her mum was a bloody nightmare, just really jealous, competitive and weird. Accused me of bullying her daughter, shouted at me in the playground in the morning (when I was about 7 years old), badmouthed me to other parents- we both went to the same dance lessons too (and I was further on than her daughter which mum couldn't stand) and she confronted my very mild-mannered dad, who really lost his temper with her. I had been for one playdate round there (before it all came to a head) and felt really uncomfortable. Her mum was just firing questions at me about all sorts. I think she thought she ought to be queen bee or something as her husband was a local councillor.

Looking back (40 years ago now!) I feel a bit sorry for M. Her mum was terribly insecure and nasty, goodness knows what went on at home when I wasn't there.

In short - don't make her go.

Your job as a parent is to protect and advocate for your daughter. Your job as a parent isn’t protect other children’s and other parent’s feelings.

Teaching your child how to stand up for themselves and how to do politely decline unwanted invitations are valuable tools. Teaching your child to be a doormat and people pleaser and to put others feelings in front of her own isn’t something you should be teaching.

I completely understand that it's awkward, but I do think you also need to stick up for your DD here.

I had a similar situation a couple of years ago and eventually I had to say to the other mum, "I'm really sorry, but for whatever reason DD just doesn't seem to want to do a playdate with "Martha". I don't really know why and I'm encouraging her but I'm afraid I don't want to force her."

I tried to acknowledge that it was hard for the other mum and her DD, and that I understood that might be upsetting, but without forcing my DD to attend a playdate she didn't want to. I still feel bad about it - this little girl is lovely and she clearly wanted to be DD's friend - but what can you do!?

Sounds like you struggle to say no to people and are a bit of a people pleaser, and that's rubbed off on your DD. As an ex-people pleaser myself I understand how hard this can be, but it's a good learning opportunity for you and your DD.

DD needs to stop saying "maybe" and being vague and wishy washy when asked by this girl if she wants to go over and play. She needs to learn to say "no thank you!" It's not rude, even if it upsets the other girl. Being good at saying no and being assertive with one's boundaries is such an important life skill to learn (arguably particularly for girls)

And you need to do the same. "No thank you, DD just isn't feeling it at the moment I'm afraid. Aren't they fickle at this age?" Don't apologise because you're not doing anything wrong, don't try and make up excuses because you'll run out eventually, don't over-explain - you can be polite, kind and understanding without saying sorry.

Learning to remove "I'm so sorry but [insert excuse here]" from my vocabulary was such a huge step in unlearning my people pleasing ways.

I think this is the perfect response.

It sounds like you are happy to Listen to your daughter.

I would go with thanks so much for the invite but she doesn’t feel comfortable with coming over.

Excuses for things like this are ready made and the possibilities are endless. Obviously, a simple "No sorry we can't" is a complete sentence and sufficient but I know some people just can't lie or they like to people please.

Sorry, we've booked to go to "...." on that day. It could literally be anything from swimming, play centre or cinema.
Sorry, my parents/in laws are coming over that afternoon.
Sorry, it's my siblings/nieces etc birthday so we're out for tea.
Oh, she does X activity then. Sorry!

The secret is not to over complicate though, keep it a bit vague.

Don't make her go. Children of that age have the right to choose their friends and hang out with others they have a connection with, just as adults do. Making her go is not going to change how she feels about the other girl and will just get you stuck in some really awkward cycle of having to reciprocate etc.

Agree with others that the mother sounds particularly thick-skinned in not taking the hint. Perhaps you should just be totally honest with her and tell her what you've told us.

"Thanks for the invite. I've chatted to DD and she is not keen on a playdate. So sorry, it seems that she is just not that keen to spend time with your DD outside school. Maybe their friendship is more of a casual playground friendship than an after-hours one. I hope you understand. After all, not everyone can be best friends with everyone."

That's not being rude, just facts. If the mum gets upset or offended by this, it's not your problem. You need to be honest and put a stop to the constant awkward invites.

No no no no! This is not a mentality that should be instilled in young girls, ever. ‘Put your own feelings aside to accommodate others’ is 101 toxic social ideology of how girls and women should behave.

I agree with others op, just say ‘I’m sorry my daughter doesn’t want to do a play date at the moment but thank you for the offer’. She absolutely shouldn’t be forced into it. It’s unfair to both girls even if it hurts one’s feelings right now.

Don't tell her to go if she doesn't want to. She obviously doesn't enjoy it. Who are you protecting here? A mum you barely know and a child who isn't yours?
It's so lovely and empathetic of you to think of the other girl but if you just give some excuse, the other girl won't think anything of it at that age. My mum used to have the rule of 2 days notice for a play date. If I ever didn't want to go, she would make up an excuse that a family event or appointment had come up etc. It's only a play date, don't worry. I would make sure that your little girl isn't having play dates left right and centre with other children though so it doesn't become too obvious. Do you know of a day in the week where the other girl is definitely not available???? You could suggest that day to rearrange to so it's then on her to say no to you X

Just be blunt. Some people (like me) don't understand hints. Seriously i'd rather someone just say "no thanks" than "ok, maybe, some other time, i'll reply later" it's a waste of everyone's time. It's better when everyone knows where they stand. It takes ages for me to work out what people are really trying to say!

Play dates are not mandatory why on earth does she have to go?

Sure a one off she agrees to go then decides no it not fair but this is not the first time So why repeat the situation?

Yes, start this message young, her needs and boundaries must be pushed aside so she is seen to #bekind

she asked me to my face this morning in the playground so couldn’t ignore. I said I’ll speak to DD

But you already knew that your daughter wouldn't want to!

I think you need to tell her that your daughter is happy to just see her daughter at school tbh.

Yes they really are! Some people are so rude, your post was perfectly clear that you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

You need to advocate for your DD so I would firm up and be nice about it to the other parent, but I wouldn't make her go. Your DD needs to trust that you won't override her and if you ever do, make it for something you believe is really in her best interests, rather than just than to save the feelings of someone else doing something she really doesn't want to do. Being kind is right, but your DD is already being kind by being friendly and normal with this other girl in when in school. She doesn't have to extend that to playdates she doesn't want to go on if she doesn't feel like it.

My mum would make me do this that and the other to please other people when I was younger and I always felt a bit betrayed, like she valued pleasing other people more than me. It also taught me to not have faith in my own opinion, if it could so easily be ignored.

It is delicate, because no matter what you say to the other parent about not wanting to go, the girl might put your DD on the spot in school and your DD might be too polite to say no directly so it comes across that she's keen to this other girl and that's why the mum keeps asking. Perhaps just say to the mum thanks, but not at the moment, and your DD can say something similar if she feels the need to give a reason to the girl if put on the spot. It would be difficult to knock it on the head completely without being very blunt.

Oh my God. This is TERRIBLE advice. No. No. No.
girls are allowed boundaries. Girls need boundaries. It is vital we stop telling girls to 'be kind' AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE.

I might be wrong, but is it worth having a chat with the teacher, so they can encourage the other girl to develop other friendships.

Bottom line, you've got to say 'no thank you' to the mother. As PP said she might or might 'get' when you keep putting her off.