DD doesn’t want play date

[LavendersBlueeee]

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

Yes it totally is, i was surprised she didn’t want to go. There weren’t many of them going but still other friends of DD

other girl is just quite OTT and my DD has to deal with this at school so didn’t want any extra time with her out of school

OP I think other posters are being a bit hard on you/obtuse not to acknowledge the awkardness here- it is an awkward situation, I think you are being mindful of the other mum's feelings and her dd's feelings, as of course they will feel rejected (as you said your dd said the girl will cry if told an outright no, also they know your dd goes to other playdates). Its a delicate situation so you are kind to think through how to approach it delicately. I think pp had it right with the advice to give a breezy "she doesn't want go, you know what kids are like!" It sounds like this girl is really annoying and draining your dd.

Maybe I didn’t explain myself well in my OP, maybe you didn’t read it properly. Seems like a weirdly triggering post for you.
No it's not triggering. What a weird interpretation.

There are many ways to say no thank you.
Sorry she can't.
Sorry she has other things to do.
I'll ask DD and let you know (then don't).

You could also ask other mum why her DD wants yours to play considering they don't play together at school. Maybe other mum has your DD confused with another child?

Neither do I -lol-
Just know I’ll be hurting hers and her DDs feelings and they have done nothing wrong

DD would probably be pissed with me as well if I just said that outright and the mum told her DD that mine doesn’t want a play date cos then other girl would be upset which my DD would hate to be the cause of and it would probably cause dramas between them at school which my DD would hate

This is where you have to put yourself in the shoes of the other parent.

Every parent loves their child, but even with the best of parenting, some kids are just a pain. But despite coming across as a pain, they will have a nice side to them too, and as a parent you just want others to be able to see that side.

Imagine if it was your child that never got invited for a play date, and when you invited other kids round, they always declined or made an excuse. It's pretty crap.

So why not speak to your daughter and point out that although she thinks this girl is a pain in the arse, perhaps on her own she will have some really nice traits, and some cool toys to play with. And if she doesn't have a good time then she doesn't have to go again.

You don't seem to have any issue on being rude here, just politely decline, no need to make up ridiculous reasons. You are the adult, you should manage.
Why would you care more about what a random person think over your own child's feeling?

If they become best friends again in a few months, then you invite the other girl and go from there. No need for playground drama.

done This countless times and shes waited a while then asked again. That’s where we are now. She’s not taking the hint.
she asked me to my face this morning in the playground so couldn’t ignore. I said I’ll speak to DD and she when we are free.

I think you need to be straight as someone said earlier and just say your dd isn't wanting a play date at the minute but you will let her know if that changes. It's not nice for the little girl but equally your dd would be worse off for encouraging it as that would set an expectation. I'd perhaps mention it to the teacher as it's not fair if your dd is struggling with her at school

Thanks for your reply. You’ve got it in one there and describes the situation perfectly. So yes your suggestion sounds like a good one. Thank you.

"no thank you, we're not doing playdates at the moment", how hard can it be.

Don't raise your girl to be a pushover, who needs to be "kind" and put her own feelings aside. She doesn't have to be friend with someone she does not like. She has to behave appropriately at school, she doesn't have to go to playdates.

You adult have to be civil and semi friendly with everyone at work. You don't have to go to their house at the weekend when you can't stand them.

@towriteyoumustlive
This is where you have to put yourself in the shoes of the other parent.

Every parent loves their child, but even with the best of parenting, some kids are just a pain. But despite coming across as a pain, they will have a nice side to them too, and as a parent you just want others to be able to see that side.

Imagine if it was your child that never got invited for a play date, and when you invited other kids round, they always declined or made an excuse. It's pretty crap.

So why not speak to your daughter and point out that although she thinks this girl is a pain in the arse, perhaps on her own she will have some really nice traits, and some cool toys to play with. And if she doesn't have a good time then she doesn't have to go again.

yes this is what I’m doing and putting myself in the position of the other parent and I know I would be hurt and offended which is why I don’t want to just say no.
her dd is nice enough just very OTT which doesn’t align with my DD, hence her not being her cup of tea.
I’ve tried all that and she’s just insisting she doesn’t want to go so I don’t want to make her.

Please don't make her go!

You don't need an excuse - just say your daughter isn't interested in play dates at the moment.

Oh my god, she's just trying to figure out how to say something without being an arsehole.

Sone good advice already, OP, and some...hot takes.

But that’s the problem, that we are with others and she knows it.
yes that’s what I’m doing by not making her go, but I’m just on here asking advice as it’s got awkward saying no so many times and the mum not taking the hint. And DD and I aren’t mean so don’t want to just say no, other girl is a pain in the ass and DD doesn’t really like her.

I'd tell them she has separation anxiety (which is likely what it is) and doesn't feel comfortable to go.

Then if she happily goes to playdates at other's houses...ah well, kids eh? 🤷‍♀️

I can't believe the posters saying to either go with her to the play date or have a short play date or (even worse) talk about kindness over her own feelings. No! The child has clearly stated that she does not want to go. What fucked up nonsense is that? She doesn't have to go.
'Sorry, DD isn't up for play dates at the moment. Your daughter keeps asking her at school and she's finding it difficult to keep saying no to her without hurting her feelings.' Maybe the mother will take a hint. Yes it must be difficult if nobody wants to play with her but her mother should be perhaps investigating why that is.

i don’t! Hence why I’ve never made her go! But likewise I do care about the other parent and child’s feelings, they are not strangers.

You could say
'DD is not really into the playdates at the minute whatever is going on'
but thanks a million I'll let you know.

God, some of you are on one this morning aren’t you!

thanks though for those who have offered helpful words of advice, I appreciate it.

The only feelings you need to be worrying about here are your DD. She is telling you over and over again very clearly she does not want to go.
if you force her and label it as ‘kind’ she will continue to do things she doesn’t want to do because people ask her too.
listen to her. Tell her she doesn’t have to go anywhere she doesn’t want to, ever. She is only 7 so it falls to you at the moment. Make any excuse to save their feelings if you wish to but really you need to find something that stops the invites coming.

One of my children gets invited less to play dates and when I send messages it’s often a no from the other parent. Also some of the bday invites don’t get reciprocated, although they are all happy to come 🤣 At the same time I am really sociable and have loads of mum friends at school, so we meet kids a lot, just not necessarily who my child wants to meet with. Some of the kids she wants to invite the parents are really busy or have major issues (addictions, DV, housing issues) and/or maybe the kids themselves are not keen on my child.
do you like the mum? If you do, then I would arrange a coffee, park walk with mum or an activity like trampoline park and maybe invite other mums with kids ( the ones your girl likes), so the girls could still do something together with no pressure to be at her home or be just 1-1.
if I didn’t like the mum though and my child didn’t like the child, then I’d make an excuse and just say we are just insanely busy atm. What’s the point otherwise?
i would listen to my child’s concerns carefully and at the same time would explore that it’s nice to be invited and there is benefit in learning to get on with a wide range of people. We often get invited as whole family and there are situations that we all have to go, whether they like the kids or not as I’m a single parent and that’s just how it is! We have a wide range of kids in our social circles and sometimes meet as I am friends with the parents, sometimes it’s the other kids friends etc. Sometimes we have trips and holidays with random parents as they offer and it works. It’s all good learning.
I am trying to work with my child to try and make better judgments who to make friendships with as it is really heartbreaking when there is rejection or unreliability. My child is very friendly, it’s just being a bit young and day dreaming all the time, whereas other children seem to be more outwardly focused and socially confident, that’s why manage to make friends easier.
So I don’t think it would be just a straight no from me, but a careful conversation, exploring options, but ultimately I wouldn’t be forcing anything. We don’t have much free time, so there is no point of spending the time being miserable.

If the parent gets offended and can't accept the no, or even take the hint, she's likely the reason why the child is so annoying!

that we are with others and she knows it.
so what? I absolutely agree there's no need to be rude or mean, but no need to try to hide friendships or playdates with others. It's happening, that's life.

You are free to organise a gathering with several girls in a park or softplay so the other girl is not always left out if you feel strongly about being inclusive, but at some point, you are making it worst by not being kindly firm.