Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD doesn’t want play date

325 replies

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:18

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:24

And if I ask if she’d like to invite her round as an alternative, I think that’s fine because DD can say no and guess what? I’ll say that’s fine!

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:29

Hickry · 06/10/2023 18:18

OP you've had a real mix of replies here haven't you! I can see why it's a bit of a divisive topic among parents but I agree you shouldn't force your child and it's tricky to not make it awkward.

I'd send a message about dd and you both being quite busy and to put a pin in the play dates for a while.

It sounds like the other child doesn't have any out of school activities going on if they're free every night? I'd be tempted to mention in passing to mum one drop off about brownies/rainbows/type of clubs near you (that your child does not attend!) and mention you've heard they're great little friendly groups. (They also tend to not be too expensive). It may be a chance for her to make some out of school friends too with guidance from supervising adults.

Reading your posts this child sounds VERY focused on your child at school. 😳 that would be overwhelming for anyone. Is this on the teachers radar?

Thanks. Yes I’ve suggests a few groups from pointing out things her DD seems to be interested in, but I stopped after she always used to ask where my DD went and wanted me to pass on details.
yes teacher is aware and has had words, but other girl really doesn’t seem to be coming from a bad place, she just really wants a friend and is a bit full on. Teacher has separated them in class, but it’s breaktimes and lunch etc

OP posts:
Noodles1234 · 06/10/2023 21:32

I would suggest say DD is tired after school for play dates, if she knows she goes to other houses maybe just say she has a bit on at the moment and maybe you could sort something out in the holidays…. Really rubbish answer I know.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/10/2023 21:32

@Shumpalumpa - this is what @LavendersBlueeee wrote but I guess it makes for a more sensational comment if you leave the very last bit out:
“We have done that already a while back. Can see TBH why my daughter is bothered by her and I did tell myself I wouldn’t have her round again as DD seemed really uncomfortable having her there. I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead, but I think I know what her answer will be“

Interesting to see how you took only a small part of the OPs comment to be highlighted.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:32

Ellie56 · 05/10/2023 19:01

@LavendersBlueeee

From this post it is clear that this girl is causing issues for your poor daughter at school.
She’s suffocating in that she wants to be with her all the time to the point where it’s too much for my DD
doesnt want DD to play with anyone as she wants her all to herself, wants to sit next to her at lunch and cries if someone else is sat next to her. Wants to be partnered up with her whenever the opportunity comes up.

This sounds unbearable. Day in, day out, week after week. Your poor child. No wonder she doesn't want it at home as well!

PP have already given you some excellent suggestions as to what to say to the mum, but if you have not done so already, I would be speaking to the school. Ask them to put support in place to steer this child away from your DD and take the pressure off her a bit. Explain that the problem is so bad your DD didn't even want to go with other friends to this child's party.

She really shouldn't have to put up with this.

Thanks, yes this has been done and they have been separated in the classroom, teacher has spoken to other girl about consent etc after she used to be constantly physically all over DD
tried to steer her towards other friendship groups, but by all accounts they all find her annoying and so she ends up alone again and back to pestering DD
I can’t help but feel sorry for her. DD feels the same I think, but I know it’s not her 7 year old responsibility to take care of this girl.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 06/10/2023 21:34

If the teacher has separated them in class, does the other child’s mother know that? It’s a pretty big clue that your daughter wants this kid to leave her alone, I’d have thought.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:34

LookItsMeAgain · 06/10/2023 21:32

@Shumpalumpa - this is what @LavendersBlueeee wrote but I guess it makes for a more sensational comment if you leave the very last bit out:
“We have done that already a while back. Can see TBH why my daughter is bothered by her and I did tell myself I wouldn’t have her round again as DD seemed really uncomfortable having her there. I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead, but I think I know what her answer will be“

Interesting to see how you took only a small part of the OPs comment to be highlighted.

Thanks @LookItsMeAgain i didn’t think I recognised that as something I had said as like you have kindly pointed out @Shumpalumpa (probably purposely) took it completely out of context

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 06/10/2023 21:36

I find it odd that many people expect children to be more selfless and self effacing than they are. I very rarely spend time 1 to one as an adult with anyone I don't want to. Children need to be taught that friendship is a 2 way thing and that a friend is someone whose company you enjoy and someone who enhances your life. Children need to be taught how to spot dysfunctional abusive relationships before they are adults.
As a child I was too keen to be liked and ended up in a couple of abusive friend relationships I should have walked away from before I did. My mum tried to make me invite the girl who had bullied me round after I'd managed to exit the "friendship" and I felt too pathetic to explain what had actually gone on in the relationship and my mum just thought I was being mean.
This girl may not be abusive but she isn't enhancing the OP's daughter's life and is very demanding.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:37

Catsmere · 06/10/2023 21:34

If the teacher has separated them in class, does the other child’s mother know that? It’s a pretty big clue that your daughter wants this kid to leave her alone, I’d have thought.

Yes i think she does. She knows her DD is full on but also just seems to take every opportunity for her DD to make a friend as she is maybe too young to read social cues currently despite being told.

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:40

rantinglunatic · 05/10/2023 17:05

Just read your post again -didn't take on board the mother has already been turned down three times and is still asking. Dear God! All you can do is carry on declining till the penny finally drops.

Three? And the rest -lol-

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:44

MrsDoylesCake · 05/10/2023 17:33

I think diplomatic but honest is the way to go. If you think the other mum can cope with hearing it I might say your daughter finds her a little overwhelming at school. If not you have some excellent kind but firm ways of saying no up thread.

I have an intense child. Luckily so far he hasn’t focused that on other children but when that happens I hope someone will be blunt about the situation so I can work on it.

Intense! Yes, that’s the perfect word to describe her.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 06/10/2023 21:45

Is she trying this with other children, though? Her child seems obsessed with your daughter. “Any opportunity” reads to me as if she’s casting her net wider, but it doesn’t sound like she is. If anything it sounds like your poor daughter needs to be able to tell this girl to just go away!

ThisMamaNeedsSleep · 06/10/2023 21:46

If she is saying no, listen to her.
She has repeatedly said no to this and you are prioritising the feelings of other people. That’s crazy.
This could be her first lesson in consent, for whatever reason she is feeling that this is a no and you are pushing that someone else’s desire is more important than her own comfort.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:52

Mumof3children · 05/10/2023 15:16

actually, reading your further comments, it sounds like the mum is very pushy and not getting the message (or doesn’t want to get the message) that your and her daughter are simply not friends.
How is she behaving towards others? Is the mum trying to force play dates with other kids aswell?
She seems to be trying to force a friendship.
I’d tell her outright that the girls arn’t friends and it’s making you uncomfortable that she keeps asking when it’s clear that they’re not friends. But I appreciate honesty in others do don’t mind directness.

I wouldn’t say the mum is pushy, is more that she taking any opportunity to help her DD make a friend. So when her DD is going home and talking about my DD all the time, she wants to make plans for them to play together. I guess she is kind of trying to force a friendship, but just cos her DD doesn’t have many friends. So many kids at school run away from her and don’t want to play but my DD feels sorry for her - she quite often plays with her even if she doesn’t want to or the other girl cries.

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:55

Catsmere · 06/10/2023 21:45

Is she trying this with other children, though? Her child seems obsessed with your daughter. “Any opportunity” reads to me as if she’s casting her net wider, but it doesn’t sound like she is. If anything it sounds like your poor daughter needs to be able to tell this girl to just go away!

well I think she’s tried but the others all do just tell her to go away. That must just be so shit for the poor girl who just wants to make friends and play. My DD plays with her so she’s not alone as she feels bad for her but also because she knows the girl will cry if she doesn’t play with her. She is also worried about getting told off for leaving someone out.

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:56

ThisMamaNeedsSleep · 06/10/2023 21:46

If she is saying no, listen to her.
She has repeatedly said no to this and you are prioritising the feelings of other people. That’s crazy.
This could be her first lesson in consent, for whatever reason she is feeling that this is a no and you are pushing that someone else’s desire is more important than her own comfort.

I think you may have misunderstood as that’s not what’s happening. I realise there are a lot of posts on here though so wouldn’t expect you to read them all.

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 22:00

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:34

Thanks @LookItsMeAgain i didn’t think I recognised that as something I had said as like you have kindly pointed out @Shumpalumpa (probably purposely) took it completely out of context

Show quote history

I quoted that sentence you wrote because after 35+ posts in which you said you understood why it would be wrong to send dd there, and you explained that the girl is possessive, clingy and needy, you then say you’re going to ask dd if she can come over.

It just shows you haven’t take much on board.

Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 22:01

LookItsMeAgain · 06/10/2023 21:32

@Shumpalumpa - this is what @LavendersBlueeee wrote but I guess it makes for a more sensational comment if you leave the very last bit out:
“We have done that already a while back. Can see TBH why my daughter is bothered by her and I did tell myself I wouldn’t have her round again as DD seemed really uncomfortable having her there. I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead, but I think I know what her answer will be“

Interesting to see how you took only a small part of the OPs comment to be highlighted.

The end is irrelevant. OP shouldn’t be asking her daughter YET AGAIN to spend time with someone possessive, needy and clingy.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 22:07

Ok thanks @Shumpalumpa
ill just explain it one more time as you don’t seem to understand -
DD has been invited to another girls house. She doesn’t want to go, she never does. I will ask my DD if she would like other girl to come to ours instead. I suspect she will say no, but I can but ask. If she does say no then other girl won’t be coming. Easy!
Do you understand now? Sounds like it might be time for you to go to bed. Goodnight.

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 22:14

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 22:07

Ok thanks @Shumpalumpa
ill just explain it one more time as you don’t seem to understand -
DD has been invited to another girls house. She doesn’t want to go, she never does. I will ask my DD if she would like other girl to come to ours instead. I suspect she will say no, but I can but ask. If she does say no then other girl won’t be coming. Easy!
Do you understand now? Sounds like it might be time for you to go to bed. Goodnight.

You’re the one pushing your dd yet again to spend time with someone who is possessive, needy and clinging because you’re scared to tell someone no.

You don’t need to keep repeating it, you just look more and more unreasonable each time you do.

billy1966 · 06/10/2023 22:14

I think both you and your daughter sound very kind and it is good that you have spoken to the teacher so that she can help both little girls navigate this.

Small children have such little control over their day to day lives and your daughter already struggles with her to such an extent that she has refused a party invitation.

I think it is very important that we listen to their little worries and show them we really hear them.

She has stated clearly that she doesn't want to socialise outside of school hours with this child at the moment, which I think should be respected.

Friendships can definitely change over the years with children as they grow, how they interact at age 7 may differ hugely to age 11 etc.

I think acknowledging things may be a little "intense" in school and for the time being it is best if they don't see each othet outside of it.

I would be irritated if the mother pursues it beyond this.

rantinglunatic · 06/10/2023 22:21

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:40

Three? And the rest -lol-

Show quote history

Haha! Sorry have only dipped in and out of this post and keep confusing it with other ones but it sounds like your poor daughter is being stalked. I think you're going to have to be a blunt with mother. You are being extremely kind, presumably some people would be very angry that this kid is hassling theirs.
Anyway probably somebody (possibly me) has already said all this. Good Luck!

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 22:22

Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 22:14

You’re the one pushing your dd yet again to spend time with someone who is possessive, needy and clinging because you’re scared to tell someone no.

You don’t need to keep repeating it, you just look more and more unreasonable each time you do.

Show quote history

Am I? Ok.

OP posts:
ThisMamaNeedsSleep · 06/10/2023 22:37

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:56

I think you may have misunderstood as that’s not what’s happening. I realise there are a lot of posts on here though so wouldn’t expect you to read them all.

Show quote history

I have read all of your posts.
Your tone seems to change as the thread goes on but your initial post makes it sound like you are looking for tips on convincing your daughter to go on the play date for fear of insulting the other lady and her child.
I suspect you started to change your tone when you saw the replies coming in saying the obvious - don’t make her go.

”I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.”

Catsmere · 06/10/2023 22:42

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:55

well I think she’s tried but the others all do just tell her to go away. That must just be so shit for the poor girl who just wants to make friends and play. My DD plays with her so she’s not alone as she feels bad for her but also because she knows the girl will cry if she doesn’t play with her. She is also worried about getting told off for leaving someone out.

Show quote history

Shudder being afraid of being told off reminds me of when I was her age and scared to tell a boy at school to leave me alone. His father was a teacher there.

It's unfortunate for this child but my sympathies are all with your daughter, particularly as this girl seems jealous/insecure (I suppose unsurprising if the other kids make it clear they don't like her) and sounds like she's cutting her off from others. This is an early version of where the Be Kind rhetoric lands girls and women ...